Jacob Two-Two-'s First Spy Case (11 page)

“And me, you, dear boy, because we have more work to do.”

“I'm in such bad trouble,” said Jacob Two-Two, and he told his friend about all the things that had happened to him since they had been to Mr. I.M. Greedyguts' office together.

“Not to worry,
amigo
, because we shall shortly proceed with the second step of our operation. But we will require back-up support. Helpers who are trustworthy.”

CHAPTER 20

hat night poor Jacob Two-Two, his sleep troubled, dreamed that he was appearing in court before Mr. Justice Rough. His lawyer was Louis Loser, who was quite the scruffiest, skinniest, and most untidy man Jacob Two-Two had ever seen. He had tangled gray hair and weepy blue eyes. His shirt collar was frayed, and his tie soup-stained. His suit was rumpled. His shoes were scuffed, the laces broken.

Louis Loser had defended Jacob Two-Two in front of Mr. Justice Rough once before, in an earlier dream,
unsuccessfully, of course, enabling him to keep his alltime trial-losing streak intact.

Mr. Justice Rough glared at Louis Loser. “How does your client plead, Loser, you nerd, you disgrace to your profession?”

“Innocent,” said Loser in a tiny voice, “if you don't mind?”

“Why should I mind? We're here to see justice done,” said Mr. Justice Rough, winking at the jury, “so why don't you make things easy for yourself, you deadbeat, and change his plea to guilty. Think it over. Take your time. I'll give you one second.”

“Don't blame me,” said Louis Loser, “it's not my fault, Your Honor, but the boy insists that he is not guilty.”

“Ha! What do you say to that, members of the jury?” asked Mr. Justice Rough.

“He's wasting our time.”

“Insulting our intelligence.”

“Sentence the little brat right now and let's be done with it.”

Mr. Justice Rough peered down at Jacob Two-Two. “I always knew that you were a hardened criminal
and that you'd turn up here again. Jacob Two-Two, you are now a two-time loser, represented by an alltime loser.”

“Tell it like it is, judge,” called out one member of the jury.

“Right on,” exclaimed another.

“What have you got to say for yourself, Two-Two?” asked Mr. Justice Rough.

“I'm innocent,” said Jacob Two-Two. “I'm innocent.”

“Don't make me laugh,” said Mr. Justice Rough. “Why, in all my years on the bench I've never seen a boy or girl who wasn't guilty of something or other.”

“But –”

“I'll wager that before I live to see a little person appear before me who is innocent, I'll find a whale who can play a Beethoven concerto on the piano, or a poodle who can stand on his hind legs and bat .400 in the American League.”

“Please, Mr. Loser,” said Jacob Two-Two, “say something.”

“I don't feel well,” said Louis Loser.

“Let me guess what your unspeakable crime is this time,” said Mr. Justice Rough. “You were sent down
to get something out of the freezer and left the door open
all through the night
. Or you turned up at school with your shirt-tail hanging out. Or you're so dumb you couldn't even tell your geography teacher the name of the capital city of Fiji. Or you were caught reading in bed with a flashlight. I've seen all kinds here. Nothing sur prises me any more. Why, earlier today I had a little girl in here, no more than three years old, who wakened her mummy and daddy at three a.m. to ask for a glass of water.”

“Shocking,” said a member of the jury.

“Incredible,” said another.

“Look at my hair, you brat,” said Mr. Justice Rough, “and tell me what color it is.”

“Gray,” said Jacob Two-Two.

“And no wonder! Today I had to deal with a boy, caught red-handed in an elevator in the Ritz Hotel,
pressing every single button, right up to the twenty-eighth floor
. I was confronted with a girl who had sneaked into her mother's bathroom to try out her most expensive perfume and spilt all of it on the floor, stinking up the house. I had a boy who phoned a friend, then forgot to replace the receiver, accidently on purpose, if you ask me, while his poor father was
pacing up and down for three hours, waiting for a very important business call.”

“Your Honor,” began Louis Loser, “I –”

“Hey, Loser,” yelled one of the jurors, “tie your shoelaces before you trip over them.”

“Did you get that suit at a fire sale?” asked another.

“Now, now,” said Mr. Justice Rough, “careful, guys, or this drip of a lawyer will accuse us of being prejudiced against the public enemy he is misrepresenting to the worst of his inability. Order in the court! Order, please! And now let me call upon the prosecutor, an excellent fellow, to state the case against Jacob Two-Two, which I'm sure will be unanswerable.”

“Why, thank you, Uncle Justice Rough,” said Slugger Meeny, the prosecutor. “Let me begin by saying what an honor it is to appear before you …”

Mr. Justice Rough stood up and bowed, acknowledging the jury's applause.

“… and for openers, just to set the mood,” said Slugger Meeny, “I'd like to introduce some witnesses to Jacob Two-Two's very, very bad character.”

Miss Sour Pickle, summoned to the witness stand, said, “I caught this brat sticking out his tongue at our beloved headmaster, Mr. I.M. Greedyguts.”

“How's that for impertinence, members of the jury?” demanded Mr. Justice Rough.

Members of the jury gasped.

Then the beloved headmaster himself waddled up to the stand, munching on the Biggest Mac anybody had ever seen. “Just the sight of Jacob Two-Two,” he said, “is enough to spoil a man's appetite, and I can think of nothing worse to say about him.” And then he took a big bite out of his hamburger.

Law, Order, and the Officer-in-Charge were heard from next.

“He resisted,” said Law.

“– arrest,” said Order.

“– and threatened us,” said the Officer-in-Charge, “with violence.”

“I think I've heard quite enough,” said Mr. Justice Rough. “What do you say, jury?”

“
GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!
”

Then, just as Mr. Justice Rough was about to sentence him, Jacob Two-Two wakened, calling out, “I'm not guilty! I'm not!” and found that he was safe in his own bedroom.
But where, oh where
, he thought, before sliding into sleep again,
was
CHILD POWER
when I needed them most?

CHAPTER 21

t Privilege House the next morning, Jacob Two-Two was caught daydreaming again during geography class. Sneaking up behind him, Miss Sour Pickle roared, “You are not paying attention!”

“Yes, I am,” said Jacob Two-Two. “Yes, I am.”

“Good. Then you will surely be able to answer the following three easy questions. What is the population of Albania, the principal export of Peru, and how many left-handed people are there in Canada?”

“I don't know.”

“Then you will write the following line for me two hundred times –
I AM A DAYDREAMER, IGNORANT BEYOND COMPARE
– and bring them to me first thing tomorrow morning.”

At lunch, the boys, their stomachs growling, watched as a platter of lobsters was wheeled in for Mr. I.M. Greedyguts, followed by a roast goose, a pail of red cabbage, and a potato pie, with a chocolate cake for dessert. “And how do we express our thanks to Perfectly Loathsome Leo Louse for today's feast?” asked Mr. I.M. Greedyguts, cupping a hand to his ear.

“
YUMMY, YUMMY, SAYS MY TUMMY
!” groaned the boys as they considered their perfectly vile, absolutely yucky lunch: thin potato-peel soup and lukewarm broccoli burgers, followed by a slimy lettuce salad and, for dessert, mouldy bread pudding.

“Oooh,” moaned Chris Lucas.

“I can't take this much longer,” said Mickey Horowitz.

“Neither can I,” said Robby Burton.

“We won't have to take it much longer,” said Jacob Two-Two, and he went on to explain that his friend,
Mr. Dinglebat, the master spy, was on the case. “He has a plan. He has a plan.”

“Good. What is it?” asked Mickey.

“Well, um, I don't know yet.”

“Oh,” said Chris, obviously disappointed.

In the world of spies, Jacob went on to tell them, everything was on a “need to know” basis, and the need-to-know time hadn't come yet. “But we are going to need your help,” said Jacob.

“You can count on us,” said Mickey.

After school Jacob Two-Two was presented with a mop and pail and set to washing his classroom floor. Miss Lapointe stopped by to see him. “I want you to know, Jacob, that I and most of the other teachers believe you are innocent. We dislike Mr. I.M. Greedyguts as much as you and the other boys do, but there's nothing we can do about it. His uncle is so powerful.”

When Jacob Two-Two finally came home, picked up late by his mother, weary from all his chores, an amazing thing happened. His two older brothers and two older sisters didn't tease him. In fact, suddenly, Marfa, Emma, Noah, and Daniel couldn't do enough for him.