Jacob Two-Two-'s First Spy Case (12 page)

“How would you like to have a lesson on my two-wheel mountain bike?” asked Marfa.

“But I thought I wasn't allowed to touch it,” said Jacob Two-Two twice.

Emma offered to set the dining-room table for dinner even though it was Jacob Two-Two who was supposed to be on duty. “You just go and watch some
TV
, you poor thing.”

Noah insisted on writing Jacob Two-Two's lines for him. “Miss Sour Pickle will never know the difference,” he said.

“Hey,” said Daniel, “why don't we take in a movie together this Saturday afternoon?”

Then Daniel, Noah, Emma, and Marfa appealed to their father at the dinner table. “Do something,” they said.

“I have already written a letter of protest,” said Jacob Two-Two's father, “to Senator Slimy ‘Free-Loader' Greedyguts, who is chairman of the Privilege House board.”

“A lot of good that will do,” said Jacob Two-Two's mother. “The Senator just happens to be I.M. Greedyguts' uncle.”

“Look here, we can't yank Jacob out of Privilege House in mid-term. He'd lose a year before I could get him into another school,” said Jacob Two-Two's father. “If my letter doesn't get us anywhere, I will meet with the fathers of Chris, Robby, and Mickey, whose boys are also unhappy, and take things up from there.”

Mr. Dinglebat had told Jacob Two-Two that he would require several helpers if his planned operation, whatever it was, had a chance to succeed, so Jacob decided to take a risk. He asked Noah and Emma to meet him in his room after dinner. “I need your help,” Jacob Two-Two said. “I want you both to be watchers.”

“What's a watcher?” asked Emma.

“It's a spy,” explained Jacob Two-Two, “who follows and reports on the enemy, being very, very careful not to be seen.” And then he went on to explain that Mr. Dinglebat, the master spy, had come up with an idea for an operation that was risky, but that he hoped would catch both Mr. I.M. Greedyguts and Perfectly Loathsome Leo Louse in the same net.

“What's the idea?” asked Noah.

“Tell us,” said Emma.

“
I can't tell you yet
,” said Jacob Two-Two impatiently. “Now are you willing to help us or not?”

They hesitated.

“But I can tell you this,” said Jacob Two-Two, and then he told how, disguised as the World's Best Midget Photographer, he had accompanied Mr. Dinglebat to Mr. I.M. Greedyguts' office.

“Wow,” said Emma, impressed.

“You did that?” said Noah.

“Honestly, I did.”

“In that case,” said Noah, “the intrepid Shapiro is at your service.”

“And so is the fearless O'Toole,” said Emma.

“Okay,” said Jacob Two-Two, delighted to have
CHILD POWER
on his side, “then you are to report to Mr. Dinglebat's house at five-thirty sharp tomorrow afternoon.”

“Count on me,” said Emma.

“And me,” said Noah.

“But it is my duty to warn you in advance,” said Jacob Two-Two, “that on this mission it's ‘Moscow rules.'”

“What's that?” asked Noah.

“If the operation fails, and we are caught,” said Jacob Two-Two, “Mr. Dinglebat will deny we were working for him. In fact, he will say he never laid eyes on any of us.”

“Gosh,” said Emma.

CHAPTER 22

fter his mother drove him home from school the next afternoon, Jacob Two-Two hurried over to Mr. Dinglebat's house and informed him that he had, as requested by Mr. Dinglebat, recruited several reliable watchers, namely the intrepid Shapiro and the fearless O'Toole, as well as Mickey, Chris, and Robby, all of whom would be ready to report for duty when called.

“Bravo,” said Mr. Dinglebat. “Well done. And now, while we are waiting, let us look at the evidence we have gathered so far.”

First of all, Mr. Dinglebat removed the tape recorder, the size of a small bar of soap, from the hollow heel in his shoe, and played back the interview wherein they had been offered a bribe by the dreaded Mr. I.M. Greedyguts. Then he led Jacob Two-Two into another room, where enormous enlargements of the photographs Jacob had taken of Mr. I.M. Greedyguts' desk hung from a clothesline. “Take a gander at this,
amigo
,” said Mr. Dinglebat.

It was an enlargement of a cheque for $1,500 made out to Perfectly Loathsome Leo Louse! “Don't you think that's a bit much for one week's nourishment,” asked Mr. Dinglebat, “considering the kind of slop you kids have been eating?”

“I don't understand,” said Jacob Two-Two. “I don't understand.”

“Let me explain, then. It is my suspicion that once a week Perfectly Loathsome Leo meets with Greedyguts and returns five hundred dollars of that money in cash to your crooked headmaster.”

“But why would he do that?”

“It's what's called a bribe,
mon vieux
. It's the price Perfectly Loathsome Leo Louse has to pay for having been awarded the Privilege House food contract in the
first place. However, my suspicions are one thing. We require proof. Lots of proof. For starters, we have to catch those two villains in the act. We have to see the money change hands. And then, in good time, we will make them tremble and shake. Meanwhile, feast your eyes on this.”

Another enlargement showed that the cheque for $1,500 was clipped to a piece of stationery on which Mr. I.M. Greedyguts had scrawled,
MEET YOU AT THE USUAL PLACE, AT THE USUAL TIME, FOR THE USUAL REASONS
.

“But where is the usual place?” asked Jacob Two-Two twice.

“I'm glad you asked me that question,” said Mr. Dinglebat. “Look at this.” The next enlargement revealed Mr. I.M. Greedyguts' open diary with the notation:
MCDONALD
'
S
,
CORNER OF ATWATER
, 6.30
P.M., WEDNESDAY. MEET WITH
PLLL. “Which stands for?”

“Perfectly Loathsome Leo Louse,” said Jacob Two-Two.

At that very moment the intrepid Shapiro and the fearless O'Toole arrived.

“Hiya, Noah. Hiya, Emma,” said Jacob Two-Two.

“Those are not our names today,” said Noah.

“Sorry. Forgot,” said Jacob, even as they were joined by Chris, Mickey, and Robby, all of whom had already received permission to play at Jacob Two-Two's house after school.

“Gentlemen,” said Mr. Dinglebat, “before we proceed with our mission, and let me warn you in advance that it is a dangerous one, you must phone Jacob Two-Two's mother to say I'm treating all of you to dinner at McDonald's tonight.”

Jacob Two-Two did as he was asked, adding that they wouldn't be home late.

“Now, Jacob,” said Mr. Dinglebat, “explain to your watchers what the procedure is for spies if any of them falls into enemy hands.”

“You were never here,” said Jacob Two-Two, “and Mr. Dinglebat doesn't know you.”

Then Mr. Dinglebat led the watchers into the room where he stored his many disguises, pulled out a long clothing rack, and quickly outfitted all of them with fedoras, dark glasses, trenchcoats, and cellular phones.

“Your assignment, Shapiro and O'Toole, will be Mr. I.M. Greedyguts,” said Mr. Dinglebat. “You can pick him up as he leaves Privilege House and, whatever
you do, don't lose him.” Then he turned to Chris, Mickey, and Robby. “And your man will be Perfectly Loathsome Leo Louse, who can now be found at the Guaranteed Stale Bread Company, on Grub Street, settling his bill for last week's shipment of rock-hard rolls. Stick to him like glue.”

The watchers left to take up their posts and then Jacob Two-two and Mr. Dinglebat hurried over to McDonald's and sat down to wait. In order not to call attention to themselves at their command table, they were, of course, disguised. Mr. Dinglebat wore a top hat, a swallow-tailed jacket, a purple velvet cape, and carried his gold-tipped sword cane, just in case. Jacob Two-Two, sporting a safari hat, shoulder-length black dreadlocks, and a Van Dyke beard, wore a heavily studded bomber jacket, black leather trousers, and cowboy boots.

The intrepid Shapiro was the first one to phone in a report from the field: “Mr. I.M. Greedyguts has just waddled round the corner of Greene Avenue, chewing on a salami.”

“Roger,” said Jacob Two-Two. “Roger.” And then he heard the wail of a police car, coming closer and closer.

“Don't worry,” said Mr. Dinglebat. “They are probably headed somewhere else.”

But just then the police car pulled up outside, brakes squealing, and out piled Law, Order, and the Officer-in-Charge. Jacob Two-Two froze.

“Act natural,
amigo,”
said Mr. Dinglebat, and he dug out the cigarette lighter that could squirt hot pepper, and set it down within easy reach.

Jacob Two-Two gulped twice as Law, Order, and the Officer-in-Charge sauntered right past their table to the counter.

“We'll have,” said Law.

“– three Big Macs,” said Order.

“– with fries,” said the Officer-in-Charge.

Happily, once they had been served, Law, Order, and the Officer-in-Charge got right back into their car and drove off, and Jacob Two-Two began to breathe easier.

Then Mickey, Chris, and Robby were heard from: “Perfectly Loathsome Leo seems to be
heading your way. Wait. He has just stopped at the corner.” There was a pause. “You're not going to believe this.”

“He's not coming,” said Jacob Two-Two. “He's not coming.”

“Sh,”
said Mr. Dinglebat.

Mickey continued: “There is an old man seated on the pavement, wearing a sign saying
HELP A POOR BLIND MAN
, and there is an upsidedown hat held between his knees, filled with coins. Perfectly Loathsome Leo stopped in front of him — looked right — looked left — and then stooped and dug some coins out of the blind man's hat. He is now heading your way fast.”

Finally an excited O'Toole reported: “I.M. Greedyguts has just stepped out of Ben and Jerry's, licking a triple-scoop cherry ice cream. The suspect is now approaching the target area. Be careful, Jacob.”