Jake Undone (29 page)

times in the middle of the night, I was sure as hell going to make sure she wasn’t getting involved with

someone shady. When you didn’t come home Monday night, that was it. I looked your information up in

the database at work the next day and guess what came up? Your fucking marriage license! Everything

made sense all of a sudden…your Boston trips, your secrecy—”

Ryan’s head slammed against the wall after I grabbed him in a choke hold. My breathing was erratic.

“You don’t know
anything
about me. You think you figured it all out, but you don’t know shit about my

life! Now, tell me where Nina is or my hands stay where they are.”

He didn’t have the strength to break free or speak, so he spit in my face.

“Tell…me…where…Nina…is,” I repeated through my teeth, tightening the hold with each word.

His head bounced back and hit the wall as I released him.

He coughed. “She’s staying with a friend, but she doesn’t want to see you.”

That stung.

I stood there glaring at Ryan. When I calmed down, I decided that considering he knew nothing about

my situation, I couldn’t blame him for thinking he was protecting her. I needed to calm down and play nice

to find out where she was.

“Listen, I am not going to explain everything to you until I’ve had a chance to talk to her. It’s not what

you think. I am
legally
married, yes, but it hasn’t been a marriage in the real sense for years. It’s

complicated, okay? Ivy…she’s mentally ill. She lives in a home. I rushed back to Boston because they

thought she tried to kill herself.” I rubbed my temples in frustration.

Ryan just stood there speechless.

What do you have to say now, asshole?

“If this is true, I really don’t even know what to say. You should have told Nina you were married and

you certainly shouldn’t have slept with her.”

I wasn’t going to waste time explaining my actions to him when the only person that deserved an

explanation was Nina.

“Where is she, Ryan?”

“She’s crashing with Mrs. Ballsworthy’s daughter. She came by right after Nina found out about you.

Daria had stopped in to give her a thank you basket and saw her crying. I pulled her aside and told her what

happened. She insisted Nina come stay with her for at least a few days. She lives in Park Slope.”

“What’s the address?”

“I promised her I wouldn’t tell you.”

“Ryan, I like you. I do. So, I’m gonna be up front and tell you that I’m going to beat the snot out of you

if you don’t tell me, and I really don’t want to have do that.”

He huffed and pulled out his phone, texting me the address.

“Thank you,” I said as I ran out the door.

***

I took a deep breath and tried to gather my thoughts before entering the brownstone. The front door

was open, but you had to get buzzed in to enter the second door. I pressed the button for Unit Six.

A woman’s voice blasted through static. “Hello?”

“Hi, this is Jake. I know Nina is staying with you and doesn’t want to see me, but please, I need to talk

to her. Can I come up?”

Silence.

It felt like it went on for an eternity. Then, came more static. “I’m sorry, Jake. She doesn’t want to see

you. Please leave.”

I pressed the buzzer again but no response. This went on for about fifteen minutes with no luck. They

were just ignoring me.

I went back outside and walked around to the back of the building to see if there were any windows. A

fire escape led up to the sixth floor. If I could get up there and knock on a window, maybe they would see

how serious I was and let me in. Shit, I would camp out here all night if I had to.

I began to crawl up the fire escape, unsure of whether the apartment at the top was even the right one.

When I got to the sixth level, I looked in the window at a dark, empty room. Just as I was about to knock

on the window and beg whoever lived there to let me in, a light came on.

The sight of her nearly knocked the wind out of me. Nina closed the door and sat down on the bed. She

didn’t see me. Her beautiful long hair covered her face as she cried into her hands, her shoulders shaking

up and down. Then, she looked up at the ceiling and muttered something to herself. I felt like I was about

to suffocate as I watched her suffering because of me. I hated myself for causing the person I loved more

than anything so much pain. It was tearing me apart. I didn’t want to scare her, but I needed to do

something.

Her body jolted when I knocked on the glass. Her hand over her heart, she turned and noticed me

staring through the window.

“Nina…let me in.”

She sat there just looking at me, her chest rising up and down.

“Let me in,” I repeated. “I’m not going away. You have to let me explain.”

She stayed frozen, her beautiful eyes, dark again for the first time since I met her.

“Please…I love you,” I said.

It pained me to think that she probably thought I was a horrible person who was using her.

I decided to attempt to carefully break through the window, but low and behold, it opened right up. I

crawled through and closed it behind me.

It sickened me when she backed away and leaned against the wall on the opposite side of the room. I

didn’t want to upset her, so I kept my distance.

“Nina…it’s not what you think.”

A tear fell from her cheek.

I decided to get right to it. This story needed to be told from the beginning, and I only had one chance

to do it right. I sat down on the bed and took a deep breath, looking away from her sad face.

“I was eighteen when I met Ivy. She was like no one I had ever encountered before…so full of life and

vibrant. The first time I saw her, she was dancing in the middle of a torrential rainstorm. I walked up to her

and made small talk. We made plans for later that night. She was a guitarist, played some small gigs and I

went to see her perform in a coffee house. I just thought she was really cool. I guess it was infatuation. We

became inseparable and started dating. About six months later, we got a little drunk one night, and she

decided that it would be a brilliant idea to hop the next flight to Vegas and get married. What did I know? I

was an impulsive teenager with a hot girlfriend and figured it would make a really cool story someday to

say I got married by Elvis. I thought I knew what love was then. I thought I loved her enough to spend the

rest of my life with her.”

I looked over at Nina to gauge her reaction, and she was looking down at the ground.

“That Vegas trip was just about my last good memory…until I met you. Anyway, we moved in together

after that. My family was pissed at me for eloping. My sister didn’t talk to me for weeks. They didn’t like

her and thought she was a bad influence. But I was still in the honeymoon phase and didn’t care what

anyone thought. About six months later, our relationship began to change. She started calling in sick a lot to

work and stopped going to her classes. We were fighting all the time about her behavior. I started to realize

that getting married was a really big mistake. I’d get home from work, and she’d accuse me of having

affairs all day. Then, the next day, she would tell me she was hearing voices and that they were telling her I

was trying to kill her and that she’d better kill herself before I got to her. At first, I thought it was just stress, because she had recently lost her mother to a heart attack. She had no other family, except me. Every day,

though, it was something different. The erratic behavior went on for months. One day, she showed up at

my job and in front of my co-workers, screamed about how I was trying to poison her. That was when I

took her to the hospital for the first time. By the time we left, she had been diagnosed with schizophrenia.”

I turned to look at Nina, who was now looking back at me.

“A lot of people can live very normal lives with it, because it can be managed with medication. We tried

every medication out there, Nina. Nothing worked. They call her condition ‘treatment-resistant’ now. She

was in and out of hospitals, and I just couldn’t take care of her anymore. I was worried she’d kill herself

while I was at work. So, about a year after she got the diagnosis, I reached my breaking point and put her in

a group home. Shortly after that, I got a job offer I couldn’t refuse in New York with the kind of benefits I

needed to help take care of her. She made me promise I would visit her every weekend. That was four

years ago, and I’ve kept that promise.”

Nina let out a deep breath. I stopped talking for a few seconds to let her process what I had told her so

far. She finally whispered, “Jake…I—”

“Please…don’t say anything yet. I need to finish this.”

She nodded.

“I was scared shitless those first couple of years, but over time, it just became my normal. The way I

saw it, I had made my bed, and I had to lie in it. I convinced myself that I could handle it. I was just a 20-

year-old. Twenty fucking years old and I was taking care of my mentally ill wife. After those first two years,

our relationship changed. It became less like husband and wife and more like brother and sister. We haven’t

been intimate since she moved to the group home over four years ago. Even in the months before that, it

was almost non-existent, and when it happened, it didn’t even feel right anymore. I was celibate for a long

time. Then, a couple of years ago, I started seeking out women I knew I could use as an escape with no

strings. I had needs, and I was so fucking lonely.”

“Women like Desiree,” she whispered.

I nodded.

“I had accepted that fate. My life was all planned out, and that was it. I’d stay legally married to Ivy so

she could have my benefits and so I could look out for her, and the rest of my life would be separate. I was

basically dead inside…until you.”

She turned to me. “What happened the other night…when you had to go to Boston?”

“They thought she tried to kill herself. They found her on the roof. No one knows what really

happened.”

Nina closed her eyes as if my words hurt. “So, you were going to tell me all of this the night we—”

“Yes. Yes, Nina. I was going to tell you everything and hope that by some miracle, you’d still want to be

with me.”

She walked over and sat next to me on the bed. I inhaled her vanilla scent. I wanted to hold her so

badly and bury my nose in her hair but held back, unsure of where things stood. She reached for my hand

and squeezed it and my body relaxed. We just sat like that for minutes. My heart was breaking with each

second that passed. The silence was killing me. “Nina, talk to me,” I finally said, my voice hoarse.

“I don’t know what to say, Jake. I am so confused right now. I spent the past few hours filled with hate

toward you. I thought you were sneaking around on your wife with me. I never wanted to see you again.

And now…I don’t know what to feel. This was a lot to take in.”

I shook my head in understanding, but inside, I was shitting a brick. I don’t know what other kind of

reaction I expected.

What I wanted to say was, “
you said you’d never leave me.”
What I actually said was, “I know this is a

shock and can only imagine how you feel. You need to know how much I love you and how you’ve

changed my life.”

Her eyes were watering again. “Are you going to stay married to her?”

“I never planned to divorce her because I never planned to fall in love with someone. I don’t know

what would happen to her if we weren’t legally married, what rights I’d have when it came to her care. I

still have to do a lot of research before I cut those ties legally. I would never be able to abandon her, Nina.

She’s always going to be a part of my life. But if divorcing her is a condition of being with you, then I am

telling you right here and now that I will do it.”

“I would never expect you to abandon her, Jake. That’s horrible. I hope you didn’t think that’s what I

meant when I asked if you were going to stay married.”

Thank God.

“I didn’t think that. I am glad you understand.”

She continued. “But I just can’t
be with you
if you are married. I can’t sleep with a married man.”

Fuck. Where was this going?

“I don’t consider myself committed to her in that way anymore. There would be no marriage if it

weren’t for my wanting to be able to make sure she is cared for. I can understand your point, though. I am

still legally married to someone else.”

Just be with me, Nina.

She let out a deep sigh. “Daria asked me to move in with her. This is an extra room, and she had been

looking for a roommate anyway. I think it’s best if we live apart while we try to figure things out.”

No. I can’t fucking live without you.

“Okay. If that’s what you need.”

It felt like I was losing her.

“I am still in shock, okay? I need some time to let this set in.”

You said you’d never leave me.

I put my hand on her knee as my chest tightened in agony. “Anything you need.”

CHAPTER 24

I fell into a deep depression over the next couple of weeks. Nina moved the rest of her stuff out, and

the new semester had just started, so I hadn’t seen her much.

We met in a park to talk one afternoon. She seemed disconnected and wasn’t making much eye contact

when I answered some questions she had. She asked me again exactly how long it had been since I had