Jessie (46 page)

Seth had brought the horse and carriage close to the storeroom door. The girls had just left for school, bundled against the cold, and he was sure Jessie would be missing him soon. He was going to have to move fast. Jeb and Patience would be along any minute.

Nothing had worked. With the cold weather coming, Chas had hired extra help, and the house was finished in excellent time. It was beautiful—warm and snug and everything Seth had dreamed of. They were all moved in, but the girls slept in one bedroom, Jessie in another, and Seth had his own. Jessie's waist was starting to expand, and time was moving on, but she was as unbelieving and as upset with him as she had been when she got the news.

For a long time he had thought it was only about his leaving, but there was something more going on and he was going to find out what it was. He knew what he was doing could be disastrous, but part of him didn't feel he had anything to lose. His wife was already becoming a stranger, and the girls were noticing more every day. For a time she was normal for them, but she could no longer keep it up. The uncertain glances that came her way from them were breaking his heart. For the first time he feared that Jessie would be the one to leave them.

“Hey, Jessie,” Seth called from the storeroom door.

“Just a minute,” she called back. “Jeb and Patience just got here.”

“Can you come anyway?” Seth asked.

Jessie did not look pleased with him when she got there, but he ignored this.

“Come here,” he said and took her arm.

Jessie looked surprised by this but did not protest. Not until they were outside at the back of the store and Seth was lifting her into the carriage did she find her voice.

“Seth, what in the world!”

“Your coat is right there,” Seth cut her off, climbing in over the top of her. He put the rig into motion before she could climb out. “I'll cover you with the blanket as soon as you get it on.”

Seth had the horse moving at a good pace, cutting along the back of the Main Street businesses until he got to the side street. The freezing wind gave Jessie no choice. She was struggling into her coat when she began to speak.

“Where are we going?”

“Away” was all Seth said.

“Out of town?” Jessie asked, her voice incredulous.

“Yes.”

“You can't be serious. The girls?” Jessie said with sudden panic.

“Will be with Rylan and Bri.”

“The store?”

“That's why Jeb and Patience were there.”

Jessie's mouth swung open in shock that swiftly gave way to anger. She didn't speak, but Seth could feel her frustration. They rode in silence until Jessie saw that Seth was indeed taking them out of town. She pulled the blanket a little closer around her and asked where they were going.

“To the Carlisle ranch, the original cabin to be exact.”

“What are we doing there?”

“Getting away for a few days.”

“To do what?”

“Mostly to give us time.”

“To do what?” Jessie would not let it drop.

“For me to find out what's wrong.”

It did not bode well in Seth's mind when Jessie said not a word to him the rest of the drive, which was more than ten miles. He drove onto the Carlisle ranch and saw right away that there was smoke coming from the chimney at the cabin. Lying some distance beyond the main house, the cabin was the house Bart and Marty had started in when they began to ranch.

Seth pulled alongside the old front porch and jumped down. He reached for Jessie and kept her in his arms until he was on the porch, and then he set her down. Jessie was not happy about any of this, but it was cold enough to propel her inside.

Seth followed her inside with one satchel of clothing and a few baskets holding food. He didn't have plans to stay for more than one night, but he wanted to make sure they had plenty to eat. Something told him food would not be the predominant thought in anyone's mind, but those were the plans he'd made.

Seth told Jessie he was going to see to the horse, but she didn't answer him. When he got back to the cabin, he found her sitting before the fire, staring into the flames. He didn't think he would be very welcome at the moment but still took the seat across from her.

And he was right. For the next three hours, Seth tried to start conversation, only to be met with cold silence. Had there not been a fire burning hot in the fireplace, Seth thought he might freeze.

“I had to bring you here, Jessie. I had to find a way to reach you.”

Jessie could not believe this was happening. She had decided to ignore Seth until he gave up and took her home.

“I've actually feared that you would leave me,” Seth admitted finally, bringing Jessie's face to his for the first time.

“
I
would leave?” Jessie asked, sure she was hearing wrong.

Seth only nodded.

“Why would you think such a thing?”

“Because of how much you've changed with this pregnancy. You're clearly sorry you ever set eyes on me, but I didn't think you would ever reject the girls.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You can't even see it, Jessie,” Seth said, realizing just how true it was. “You act like you don't care anymore about anyone or anything. You go through the motions, but your heart is not in it—not in the store and not at the house.”

Jessie had never been so angry. She knew she didn't lose her temper like she used to, but this was too much. She came to her feet, the fire lighting only half of her face in the dim cabin, ready to have her say.

“Do you think I don't know? Do you think I can't see? Hannah told me about her decision for Jesus. My own little daughter believes in God, but I don't! Clancy will be next, and then this baby. What am I to do then?”

The silence that fell between them was painful. This was not what Seth imagined. He had known that the root of Jessie's problem was spiritual, but not that she had worked this out for herself. However, he was not going to ignore her questions.

“You're to stay and be part of our family, that's what you're to do. We love you and need you.”

“That's not true. You won't need me for much longer,” Jessie said with more calm, sitting down, her eyes going back to the fire. “You'll all have God.”

“We'll always need you, but I'm not going to try to persuade you of that. I have some questions for you,” Seth said, starting in even though she wouldn't look at him. “Why don't you believe there is a God?”

“I just don't. I don't know how anyone can.”

Seth stared at her and then stood and went for his Bible. It was in one of the food baskets, and he brought it back and turned to the New Testament.

“I need to read something to you. This is from the book of Romans, chapter one and verses 19 and 20. It says, ‘Because that which may be known of God is manifest in them; for God hath shown it unto them. For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead; so that they are without excuse.' ”

Seth didn't think she'd looked at him at all, but he kept talking.

“These verses say that all that's been made shows that God exists. You're staring at the flames right now, Jessie. Can you imagine trying to make that? Can you imagine anyone you know, the most brilliant or talented person you've ever known, creating fire?”

Jessie didn't look at him or answer, but she did as he said. She tried to think of how fire was made, realizing for the first time that there had to have been a start.

“Everything around us speaks of a creator. Nothing just happens. Every flower, every fire, every person has a designer. Nothing so miraculous as the human body can just happen.”

Seth waited, but Jessie still watched the fire. She didn't look upset, and Seth only hoped she was listening.

“If Hannah can understand that there's a God, why can't you?” Seth asked next.

Jessie looked at him, sure it was some sort of trick. The question seemed unfair to her, and she felt attacked. Her gaze went back to the flames.

“I'll tell you why,” Seth continued, knowing the risk was huge. “Your pride won't allow you to need anyone or anything. If you admit there's a God, then you'll have to admit that you were wrong about something. But worse than that, it would mean you can't handle everything alone.”

He knew she'd heard him this time because her jaw clenched in anger. Seth did not want to do battle with her, so he came to his feet. He began to work on a meal, putting together some of the food he'd brought. He told Jessie what was there and sat down at the small table to eat, leaving it up to her if she wanted something.

“How much food did you bring?” Jessie asked about noon the next day. They had talked off and on for hours, sleeping very little in the night.

“There's enough here for a week,” Seth said, having brought plenty and also seeing that Marty Carlisle had things well stocked. “Why do you ask?”

“Leave me,” Jessie said. “Head back to town and leave me here. Come back for me on Friday night.”

“Why, Jessie? Why would I do that?”

“I need some time. I need to think about what to do.”

“I can't leave you here alone,” Seth said, but Jessie was shaking her head at him.

“Bart and Marty are home. Tell them as you leave that I'll be here for the week and that if I have a need I'll come.”

Seth wrestled with his heart. It was a reasonable request, but he hated leaving her this far from town, even with the Carlisles nearby.

“Please, Seth.”

Seth managed a tortured nod and then reached for her. He held onto Jessie tightly and she hugged him in return. His heart felt broken for what had become of them, but he knew there was nothing more he could do. This was between Jessie and God, and she needed to work it out.

“If you change your mind,” Seth said, “have Bart take you to Brad and Meg's. They'll bring you home.”

Jessie nodded and then Seth kissed her carefully and with great tenderness. He looked into her eyes and begged her with every fiber of his being.

“Find Him, Jessie,” he whispered. “Search in humility with your whole heart and find God.

“Or don't find Him,” Seth added, surprising Jessie's mouth open. “Come Friday, I'll be coming for my wife. I
need
my wife. I need her beside me all my days. I want you to know God and have a relationship with His Son, but the girls and I love and need you. No conditions. We want you back no matter what.”

Seth looked at her for a long time before slipping out the door. Jessie stood very still, his words still sounding in her ear. She looked into the fire and thought about every word Seth had said to her, knowing it was best that she be on her own.

Epilogue

June, 1890

Six Years Later

“W
AS THAT THE TRAIN?”
Seth asked for the fifth time.

“Oh, Papa,” Hannah laughed at him. “That was Milly's dog next door.”

“Oh,” Seth said, sitting back in his chair in the living room, working not to be disappointed.

Eliot was headed their way. Eliot, Cassy, Nate, and Lindy were coming from Texas to Token Creek for a visit. Seth knew what day they should arrive, but not which train. The morning train had come and gone—actually on time for once—but the afternoon train had yet to make an appearance.

“Clancy,” Seth suddenly said, “did you dust your room?”

“Yes,” she said, smiling a little because he'd already asked.

“And the beds are all ready?” Seth asked next.

Both girls assured him all was well, and a moment later, five-year-old Susan made a sound from her bed.

“Go and get her, will you, Hannah?” her father asked.

Hannah did as she was asked, carrying her youngest sister, flushed and sleepy from her nap, down the stairs and into the living room.

“Did you sleep well?” Seth asked her when Hannah placed Susan in his lap.

The little girl lay against him, smiling when their eyes met. Seth began to talk into her precious face and missed the sound of the back door opening. Hannah went that way and met her mother.

“How is he?” Jessie asked.

“He keeps asking us the same questions, and he thought Milly's dog was the train.”

Mother and daughter shared a warm, fond smile before Jessie fell to putting things away. Clancy arrived to help, and it wasn't long before Jessie made it into the living room.

“How are you?” she asked, bending down to kiss Susan's flushed cheek.

Seth said nothing, watching Susan and Jessie absently.

“Seth,” Jessie tried again. “How are you?”

“Oh, you were talking to me? I thought you were asking Sue.”

Jessie bit her lip, but Seth still saw the hidden laughter.

“All right, you can tease me, but your brother isn't visiting for the first time.”