Joe Bruzzese (2 page)
Authors: Parents' Guide to the Middle School Years
Chapter 5
:
Today's kids confront a host of new challenges that most parents have little experience with. As the information age evolves at an ever-faster pace, parents struggle to stay in the know about technology's latest trends. The average middle school parent needs terms like
social networking
and
cyberbullying
explained. In contrast, most of today's U.S. middle schoolers emerged from
the womb into a wired world. Like the telephone, the Internet has become a mainstream form of communication for today's youth.
Chapter 5
lays out a safe path through the Internet by identifying common myths about social networking sites like MySpace and Facebook, while providing tips for helping kids steer clear of troubleâlike the hazards of sharing personal information with strangers and viewing inappropriate material.
Chapter 6
:
Finding the time to actively engage in family events keeps kids and parents moving forward in a positive direction. It will take a commitment from everyone in the home to create a vision for your family's continued growth. In the absence of a vision, families may become distant, more like individuals moving in separate directions than a tight-knit group held together by a common set of goals and interests. Each of the preceding chapters alludes to the importance of thinking beyond the moment; the final chapter focuses on uniting the members of your family through a commitment to ongoing communication in the coming years.
Building confidence, maintaining a connection, and overcoming challenge form a complete plan of action for thriving during the middle school years. Having worked with thousands of families as both a teacher and coach, I see each of these themes as critical to whether a family holds together or parents and kids move in separate directions. Your child's taskâmeeting the challenge of a seven-period schedule while trying to combat a case of unrelenting pimplesâmay seem small in scale compared to the challenges we face as parents. However, from your child's perspective, the onset of puberty and a bottomless pile of homework can quickly become cause for alarm and periods of self-doubt, followed by a dip in self-esteem. Developing a connection with the other adults who now will affect your child's life requires faith and confidence in your ability to move from your former role of teacher and manager to the role of supportive coach. Yet this
journeyâstepping back while allowing your child to step up to the challenge of becoming an independent personâis one that all parents hope to take. My hope is that you look back on the middle school years and smile, confident in the knowledge that your child has learned how to thrive in the face of challenge.
Making Friends
and Facing Foes
MIDDLE SCHOOL
kicks relationships between kids up to a whole new level of ambiguity. In addition to the obvious shifts that middle school presentsâlike a new campus, a full complement of teachers, and an increased academic loadâthere are more subtle changes in a child's physical and emotional development that add complexity to the equation. The onset of pubertyâin addition to the increased sense of self-awareness brought on by intense peer scrutinyâleaves many adolescents feeling emotionally insecure. Combined with the stress of an increasingly demanding academic load, these factors can make for some drama-filled friendships. If you had a hard time understanding the rhyme or reason behind these relationships before, it will likely seem even tougher as the kids become bona-fide teenagers.
“My daughter had her friend Julie over to spend the night last weekend. They were like peas in a pod, talking about movies, the kids at school, and the latest fads. Monday after school, I asked if Julie was planning to come over again. My daughter responded, âI'll never speak to her again.'Â ”
â
Lisa, middle school parent, Milwaukee, WI
The jump from a reasonably solid set of friendships in elementary school to a somewhat shaky collection of acquaintances in middle school can be challenging for kids and frustrating for parents. It's hard to be patient as you watch your child careening back and forth between peer groups, trying to find the best fit. Just keep this in mind: adolescence is a time when a child experiments with different personas as she moves closer to identifying her true self-image. Exploring new social groups is a natural part of this process.
Before you decide that your middle schooler is definitely more challenged by friendships than the other kids, review the following three situations common among adolescent friends (as well as a few tips for how you can respond to them).
It's not at all uncommon for friendships and social groups to change from day to day in middle school, often without warning or explanation. Again, with adolescence comes a child's need to discover his real identity, and he often approaches this by trying out different social groups until he finds one that gives him a sense of belonging. The nuts and bolts of middle school can make this task particularly daunting, with the sudden shake-up of groups formed during elementary school and the greater number of students on the middle school campus compared with elementary school.
COACHING TIP
As new peer groups frequently form and dissolve, your child will almost certainly find himself left out at one time or another. Stand by for emotional support, but again, allow these normal adolescent ups and downs to play themselves out, and resist the urge to jump in and save the day. Your child may meet even your well-intended suggestions with a less than grateful reply. Avoid bruising your own relationship with your childâsteer clear of the day-to-day adolescent drama
.
What starts out as a five-minute phone call between friends can quickly mushroom into a dramatic conversation that lasts the whole evening. These calls typically involve girls more than boys, as girls sometimes react with stronger emotion to the new gossip that's often spilled in a phone call, whereas boys may be quicker to dismiss the same information and instead wait for an in-person confrontation. There is one big exception: the phone call between boyfriend and girlfriend that ends in a breakup; in this situation, both sexes go through a series of emotional responses ranging from anger and frustration to sadness and depression.
COACHING TIP
If you suspect a phone call is going badly, after the call ends wait for a minimum of ten minutes (sometimes longer; watch for behavior that indicates an opening) before checking in with your child. A simple statement like “Let me know if you want to talk” is sometimes all that is needed to bring your child to a place where he can talk calmly about what happened on the phone. Avoid barging into the bedroom or picking up the phone during a heated call; this is likely to bring a wave of adolescent wrath crashing down on you. Space and time can relieve tension, so allow your child one or both when his emotions run to the extreme
.
In an effort to fit in, adolescents often change their physical appearance to look like other members of a particular group. Adolescents experience an increased urgency to find and be accepted by a peer group. From an adolescent's perspective, belonging to
any
peer group is better than being alone. These groups come together for different reasons, such as a similar interest in a sport, an extracurricular activity, or music. Once the group forms, it's common to see them wearing the same fashion styles and haircuts as a way to further express the group's shared identity.
Occasionally children enter middle school with one or two close friends who subsequently connect with a new groupâleaving a few lost souls clamoring for friendship. Without a defined peer group of their own, these children may come together and create a unique identity. Rather than blending into the social background, these new social groups often make extreme changes in how they look (hair, clothes, piercings, and tattoos) in an effort to attract attention.
Friendships definitely play a crucial role in your middle schooler's ongoing emotional development. Best friends can become arch enemies within the span of a day, before again returning to BFF (best friends forever) status. This cyclical pattern inevitably leaves your child vulnerable to having her feelings hurt. Stand by, offer a supportive shoulder to cry on, but restrain yourself from trying to help solve your child's every friendship dispute. Your life can quickly become a soap opera of adolescent angst if you choose to take on the role of problem solver or peer mediator. No parent welcomes the sight of a teary-eyed child, but flying in to save the day doesn't give your child the opportunity to negotiate a relationship truce. Navigating the path between emotional confidant and supportive parent can be tricky, particularly when you're called on to welcome a new group of friends whom you know nothing about. You can both support your child and give her the freedom to find a peer group for herself by respectfully observing her circle of friends, without hovering too close or assuming the role of friendship manager.
You're probably thinking,
Good idea, but how do I pull it off?
One key is figuring out how to stay informed about your middle schooler without seeming intrusive or overbearing.
When it comes to talking about the details of their friendships (and many other aspects of their lives), most middle schoolers develop and fine-tune their ability to use selective silence when
parents ask questions. Parents try to engage the child in conversation and get one-word answersâor even no response at all. As their frustration grows, many parents settle for conversations that more closely resemble a game of Twenty Questions than a real conversation.
Why do kids seem to clam up at this point in their lives? The answer lies in their growing need to develop a unique sense of self. It's natural for adolescents to want to stake a sole claim to some part of their lives. So they typically view a parent's questions and comments about their lives as intrusive. They'll commonly answer with a short “That's my business” or “Why are you so nosy?” and then retreat behind the bedroom door.
As if it weren't challenging enough having to stake a claim to a particular peer group, many middle schoolers experience the pangs of romance for the first time. We called them crushes, and kids still use the term to describe feelings that range from “I would like to be more than friends” to infatuation. Crushes typically precede a move toward a full-fledged boyfriend or girlfriend relationship, but the awkward nature of expressing one's romantic intentions often brings any potential for a relationship to a halt before it can evolve into anything more lasting than a crush. Occasionally you may overhear your child use the phrase
hooking up
in reference to a recent sexual rendezvous between two classmates. When crushes move beyond the virtual connections of cell phone calls and online messaging to a sexual encounter, then the romance has moved to the hookup phase. Exploring intimate relationships rarely leads to physical contact beyond the occasional kiss, but the media's recent attempts to sensationalize sex during the middle school years may have you believing otherwise.
Although viewing any of the prominent daytime talk shows could leave you worried about the prevalence of sexual behavior among today's middle schoolers, the statistics tell a different story.
Recent research from United States Department of Health and Human Services does confirm the existence of sexual activity during the middle school years, but at nowhere near the epidemic levels that media outlets would have you believe. Although research indicates that some middle schoolers do engage in sexual intercourse and oral sex, the numbers are low in comparison to those in high school. This knowledge won't relieve the anxiety that comes from imagining yourself suddenly a middle-aged grandparent, but it does give you a wonderful opportunity to sit down and revisit the birds and bees conversation with your child.
