Joe Bruzzese (4 page)

The new middle schooler should start learning early on to avoid the heartache of clique exclusion and instead to develop healthy peer relationships. For a child eager to connect with a new group of friends, it can be difficult to differentiate between potential friends and foes. You may need to coach your child in how to steer clear of bullying situations and cliques. It's crucial that kids learn how to identify cliques, particularly those groups of children who like to exclude or bully based on appearance, interest, or race. Although the short-term benefits of belonging to a clique may seem inviting to the child who is looking for higher social status, the ultimate consequences are often exclusion and hurt feelings. Encourage your child to stick with friends who offer positive support, and remind her that it may take time to find the right niche.

Although clique encounters can initially lead to hurt feelings, these often become easier to ignore once your child finds her own group of good friends. Bullying, however, takes exclusion beyond hurt feelings to serious abuse. The classic stereotype of the bully is an older, more physically imposing boy threatening and beating up a smaller boy. Yet today's forms of abuse extend beyond this style of aggression. Although physical abuse still occurs among adolescents, the incidence of emotional bullying through electronic means—cyberbullying—is on the rise among both boys and girls, thanks to the anonymity of the Internet and cell phones. These virtual media have given bullies new avenues to inflict fear without having to cause physical harm. For example, a seemingly innocent picture from the weekend slumber party can be easily distorted and sent on to hundreds of people.

Whether bullying happens in person or online, parents need to step up and advocate for their child. The following six warning signs can serve as clear indicators of bullying behavior. Separately, each sign could raise concern. Observing more than one of these behaviors in your child is definite cause for action.

Reluctance to leave home
. If your normally social child chooses to stay home rather than go out with friends, it may be because of a bully. Bullying can occur at school as well as at off-campus social events. In the crowded corridors typical of many middle school campuses, bullies often lurk where traffic is heaviest—leaving their victims little room to escape. With limited school personnel to monitor student movement between classes, passing periods can become a game of cat and mouse for some students. The school cafeteria presents another challenge for students. Lunch lines are easy targets for bullies in search of a few extra dollars. Leaving school might seem to offer relief from bullies, but abuse that begins on campus usually continues off campus. Social environments such as parties or the movie theater have great potential
for bullying incidents. Without the supervision of an adult chaperone, kids are free to interact in any way they like, often to the detriment of a few unfortunate souls.

Missing activities
. If your child declines to attend sports practices, games, and other extracurricular activities, this may be a sign that your child is being bullied. The attention of coaches and supervisors is occasionally diverted away from the team or group to talk with referees and parents for a moment or two. In those moments, kids can quickly find ways of singling out an individual, engaging in verbal taunting and subtle physical abuse (pushing and tripping) that can go undetected.

“Drive me, please!”
A child who pleads with you to drive him to school rather than taking his normal bus route may be trying to avoid confrontations on the bus. With a load of twenty-plus middle schoolers on the bus, bullying can easily go unseen.

Unexplained cuts or bruises
. If your child can't offer a reasonable explanation for the appearance of any unusual marks on her body, it's time to investigate.

Increased sadness or anxiety
. Adolescents tend to be moody; however, a sudden increase in crying outbursts and anxiety levels could be your child's reaction to being bullied.

Steadily decreasing academic performance
. A dip from 95 percent on one test to 85 percent on the next doesn't warrant a full-scale investigation. But repeated low scores, missed assignments, or comments
from your child's teachers about declining performance are signals that may mean there are bullying issues at play.

Even if you suspect your child is being bullied, the question of what to do about it can be difficult—especially if your child hesitates to communicate with you. Here are three things you can do to unearth a problem without requiring a flood of details directly from your child:

It may take time to end bullying at your child's middle school. While you investigate and share your concerns with the school's administrators, your child will need a plan for confronting bullies should the challenge arise. Sharing these three methods with your
child at the start of the school year will help to prevent potential bullying later.

Cyberbullying—using electronics like cell phones and computers to harass and intimidate—has become the preferred method for many bullies in middle school (and even in high school). Hiding behind the cover of a friend's cell phone or an anonymous internet connection, bullies can threaten their victims with less fear of getting caught.

So how do you help your child deal with a cyberbully? During your next family meeting or weekly check-in (see
chapter 6
for more information), bring the topic of internet safety to the table. You may be surprised by the wealth of information and suggestions your child has when it comes to staying safe online. Before sharing your own thoughts, ask your child for a few of his. Among the ideas you list on your family's plan for online safety, consider the following. MySpace and Facebook have become common additions to many middle schoolers' social lives. If your child uses websites like MySpace or Facebook, consider keeping his profile of personal information private.
Chapter 5
takes a detailed look at both services and specific actions you can take to limit the sharing of personal information. Email is becoming less common among teen and tweens, but if your child still uses it, a shared family email address can dramatically reduce the possibility of bullying messages reaching your child. Sharing access to this
account allows parents to monitor for any potentially threatening messages.

As email becomes less popular with today's generation of kids, their use of cell phones seems to increase. Cell phone use and abuse can be more difficult to monitor than the family email account; however, limiting incoming and outgoing calls to a pre-selected set of phone numbers can effectively reduce the chance of bullying while simultaneously keeping the monthly bill to a minimum. Your cell phone provider can help you filter and block numbers from your child's phone. Calls and text messages are likely to form the bulk of bullying threats. The now common addition of a camera on most phones has created a new medium for bullying behavior. An innocent shot snapped quickly between classes can eventually find its way into a bully's hands, becoming a weapon for teasing. Encourage your child to stay clear of impromptu camera shots; this will help minimize this threat.

As with all other bullying incidents, the moment you become aware of a threatening email or phone call, or see anything online referencing your child in a negative way, report it to school administrators. Contacting the school is the first step to pulling the plug on cyberbullying.

Check the backpack of just about any middle schooler, and you're bound to find a cell phone. These phones have become a fact of life for almost everyone from middle schoolers on up to adults. Middle school students should know that having a cell phone is a big responsibility, and they need to use it wisely.

Your child can avoid the unpleasantness of having a teacher confiscate his cell phone if, before the school year starts, you take the time to review with him a few basic expectations. In general, schoolrooms and cell phones don't mix. The school cell phone policy should be spelled out in the student handbook. Reading
this policy with your child can prevent his phone being confiscated later.

Many teachers have their own rules about students bringing phones into their classroom. Review each class syllabus for specific cell phone rules. Teachers may have a separate set of expectations governing cell phone use in the classroom. The first time a phone accidentally rings, most teachers will issue a warning. The second time, your child may not be so lucky. Repeated “accidental” ringing usually results in the loss of a phone—or worse. Some teachers have even been known to give detention to students who won't keep their ringers off during class. Stashing a phone out of sight, preferably in a backpack, is the best way to keep it from being taken by a teacher (or anyone else). The same rules apply to talking and texting. Teachers have become wise to the evolution of text messaging. Using a phone to text friends during class risks the same undesirable consequences as making a phone call.