JOINED (The Joined Series) (4 page)

Sarah
accepted her second glass of champagne. “Part of me feels like I don’t deserve to even think about having a sex life right now when Larissa isn’t here and didn’t have the care of a lover during her last days. It just seems selfish that I should have these—these desires when she’ll never have them again,” I
admitted
and paused at the thought. I instantly became more grateful that Brayden invited me to live with him in his apartment. It just felt too odd to go back home—to the memories that Larissa brought
Brayden
and I. She kept the house vibrant and lively.

“I am trying to downplay the fact that Mateja is on my mind and
I can’t. I just met the guy
. We don’t even know anything substantial about each other”—In response
to her
arch
ing one
of her eyebrow
s
, I continued—“Yeah, it appears that he can buy whatever he wants. That’s not much to go on.”

S
eated next to each other as the beauticians
st
arted on our manicures, I felt good about
admit
ting my conflict
to her.

She snapped her fingers at me. “
That’s a lot to go on,” she said. “
At some point, you won’t be able to ignore your desires.
Maybe you can’t now.
It’s only natural; you have other
needs
too.
Fighting it is just as anxiety provoking as being reckless with your sexuality
.
”

Sarah majored in Business at
a public college
, surprisi
ng everyone by not attending one
of the
many
private institutions that accepted her. The only child, her parents, Nancy and Oliver Davidson, met when
they
completed their doctorate degrees. After many failed romances, they didn’t think they’d ever fall in love
again—
until they met each other. Nancy called Sarah her “miracle baby” because she had her at thirty-seven years of age
and Sarah was born healthy
. Being doted on
by her parents
, she develo
ped a great sense of herself
. They supported all of her interests, knew
most of her friends, and they approved of her dating my brother
.

She
was like a second sister to me. W
e
enjoyed spending time together
. As soon as she and Brayden dated, she fit into the fam
ily very well—that is, until my mom
became aware that their relationship would last longer than a week.

             
             
             
             
***

Brayden’s apartment in
upper Manhattan
was cozy. The air smelled
like buttered popcorn. There was a long hall stretched from my left to my right. The kitchen was located directly across from the door. To the left of the kitchen, t
here was a square shaped glass
table.
T
wo chairs
were
on each side of it. Warm colored paintings hung on the walls, two small paintings on each side, one of a summer country house, one showed the back of a child with his hand on the back of a dog, and two pictures of a sunset in different settings. Definitely, Sarah’s touch.

Thick and bulky arms engulfed me. My face was pressed onto muscular pectorals. Releasing himself from me,
Brayden
held me at an arms length and looked
happy to see me
.

He wore a blue short-sleeved button down shirt, black
slacks and black swede
loafers with his blazer
draped
over his arm.
If I didn’t know better, I would’ve sworn that he came from an important meeting. My older brother had grown up so m
uch, no longer scrawny and lanky at
six feet two
. It would be difficult not to notice his light blue eyes or
his
well-shaped
dark blond that hair framed
his
angular jawline so perfectly. His voice had a deep baritone edge to it. I couldn’t believe it.
I
used to tower over him and have
more muscle mass than him.

“My baby sister is home!”

I laughed a little at the dramatic way he
greeted
me. “It’s good to see you...too.” I never thought I’d feel sentimental towards Brayden.
But I did.
             

“This is it.
” I turned to meet his small smile and t
ook
another look at his apartment.

We went through the other open space of the kitchen. There were three doors, all painted pitch black. Brayden led me to the biggest room, the living room. It was nice. It had a 42-inch flat screen TV mounted on the wall, a black painted counter right underneath it and
four b
lack
leather sofas,
a green futon, and a foosball table in the corner.

“Becca,
do
you like it?”

“It’s
perfect.”

Brayden took me to the room to the left of the living room; surprisingly, it was a little
bigger than the
closet
in my dorm room
. The walls were white and there was a
twin-sized
bed
, with a dark peach colored plastic bed board. The sheets and the pillowcases were a
zigzag
pattern with blue, orange, and various green colors. Next to the bed, there was an antique looking desk, the one I had since pre-school, to place no more than a small item on.
I loved that desk.

“The sheets and pillow
s
are brand ne
w. Sarah
told me you’d like this pattern.
”
He sighed and his face softened as he looked down at me
. “I thought it was…interesting.”

I went to touch the bed
.
“It’s great, Bray. I’ll be sure to thank Sarah for her help when I get the chance.”

“It’s fine if you don’t
like
it.” His voice sounded a bit hoarse
. “Frankly, I hate those sheets,” he admitted. “There are towels in the bathroom and other items that Sarah got. I wasn’t gonna get those girlie things females need.”

I smirked at him. “
Thanks for letting me live with you
.”

“
We live together now,” he said. “
This is our place.” He sighed heavily.

“Okay,” I responded.
“Do mom and dad know that I am back home?”

“I told them
.
And I made it clear that you needed this night to yourself.”

Feeling more relaxed, I tip-toped and patted his arm. He exhaled. “I am hungry.
Are y
ou?” My stomach growled to answer his question and he laughed. “
Let’s
grab a bite to eat. I’ll wait in the living room
until
you’re ready to go.
”

             
             
             
             
***

For months, I waited for the sun to beam on my face like it did during summer. I peered outside of the window and admired the cloudless sky. It was the pale shade of blue that I loved
, matching my mom’s and Brayden’s eyes
. I enjoyed it almost as much the orange and pink tinges that formed in the sky when my day was coming to an end. The weather had been very inconsistent lately, even in Greensburg, PA. Yesterday, it was eighty degrees and the fog lasted the whole day, effectively ruining the effort I
put
into taming my thick curly brown locks. Online I learned that the weather was pretty much the same here too.

As Brayden drove downtown, the roads were
basically
clear and I fell in and out of sleep. I felt refreshed and comfortable in
my new shirt,
black cardigan and low cut jeans. Underneath, I wore the forest green silk set that Mateja liked. Roused from my slumber when
he
parked
, he surveyed me for a brief moment
. A
s I regarded him, I realized how much sleep I didn’t get on the train.

We were in Hell’s kitchen. Unbuckling my seatbelt, I followed his gaze, tapping my moistened fin
gers on my
jeans
.

“What’s up?”

Brayden tried to shrug nonchalantly. “Does this place
look
familiar to you?” He posed the question tentatively.

I looked around, saw the big heart made of grass on the right side of the mom and pop diner door, Jessup & Maim’s spot. My throat tightened. I didn’t think I’d ever feel my stomach knot up again like
that.

“Brayden,” I said breathlessly
, hoping
that my racing heart would calm down. “I don’t t-think I can go in.” A bead of sweat formed on my forehead. My neck and my face felt clammy. I couldn’t wait to get another cold shower.

“I am such a fucktard,” he said with self-recrimination. He began to start his black
Audi
again.

“Don’t.” I ran my tongue across my teeth and smoothed out my damp shirt. I
didn’t want him to feel guilty
. “Don’t worry about it.”

There was no one around and from the outside, the diner looked empty. It reminded me about the times Brayden, Larissa, and I would go to Jessup and Maim’s Spot. Back then it was always packed. Families hurried ther
e to put off the long wait for seating
. “You know,” I took in a breath. “I forgot about our spot. I-I can’t believe
—“

Brayden
scratched his head
. As he let
out a resigned sigh
, he knitted his eyebrows
. “You forgot.
”
He
hugged me
.
“
But now
we can be in a place where we had good times with Larissa
.”

How could I tell my brother that his affection failed in comparison to Larissa’s? That only her hugs and back rubs completely soothed me? No, I reasoned that in this instance, verbalizing these thoughts would do more harm than good. It would be selfish. Before college, Brayden never so much as gave me a pat on the back. But then, he need
ed
the bear hug now.

“You’ve gotten so big, Bray.” He loosened his hold over me and his light blue eyes held so much hope in them. “When did you grow up?” I doubted that he even asked himself that question.

The right side of his lip tipped up and he got of the car. Just as I was about to get out of the car, he opened the door for me.
And w
hen did he become a gentleman? I
realized that I didn’t really know my brother. I probably never did.

We made quick strides to the diner. Without any discussion, we chose the booth that the three of
us
sat at when we went there. Brayden and I went to the same camp in elementary school.
Larissa picked us up every summer for five years and brought us here. Mom and dad would’ve been horrified had they known. They despised fried food or anything that was very heavy on the carbs. Jessup and Maim still owned the place, that very fact elicited happy moisture to my eyes. Life changed, but for now, I could rejoice in something being the same.

Maim
lightly walked
towards us
, and kissed Brayden and me
on the lips
like we were her grandchildren. “My goodness, how you two have grown. So beautiful,” she shook her head in admiration. Turning to Jessup, her husband of over
twenty-five
years, she said, “Ain’t that right Jessup?”