Journey into Darkness (27 page)

Depending on their age and sophistication, children can often be as reliable witnesses as adults, sometimes more so since they seldom have a particular axe to grind. But many times, they’re confused by what has happened and may not know how to express it. As in interviewing adult rape victims, it takes someone with the right experience and sensitivity to interview the child victim, to find out what happened from his or her point of view, without undue intimidation or improper influence.

While a major theme here is the need for parents to spend time with their kids, the fact is that we can’t be with them twenty-four hours a day. And kids with the best emotional support system in the world can still be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sometimes, unfortunately, as with Dannelle Lietz, there’s really nothing anyone can do to prevent the situation. But other times, self-confident and armed with the personal safety skills you’ve taught them, kids can minimize the risk that circumstances will be right for a victimizer to choose them.

It’s the same thing I used to try to get across back when I worked a bank robbery detail in the Detroit Field Office: We may not be able to prevent bad guys from robbing banks. But we can harden targets so that they’re less likely to hit your particular bank. It’s common sense that we do this in our home. If you have a burglar alarm, or dead bolt locks, or a barking dog, or a well-lit perimeter, or all of these things, the thief is much less likely to target your house; there are just too many obstacles to justify the risk. Likewise, we want to harden our children as targets, create too many obstacles to justify the risk. And if we all do that, then maybe we can actually begin to cut down on the overall number of crimes against children.

The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children has developed guidelines for parents to follow as they try to keep their children out of potentially dangerous and/or exploitive situations, as well as age-specific “safety strategies” for children. They emphasize that these strategies are designed to help kids react in different situations and make the right decisions to stay safe—not to be afraid or antisocial. They also emphasize that when teaching children anything, it’s vital to make sure you’re approaching them on their own age-appropriate level. If you give little kids too much information, too many rules at once, they zone out and tend not to remember any of it. If you oversimplify for an older kid, though, you get the same reaction.

With all age groups, the NCMEC stresses protecting children by empowering, rather than frightening them. It doesn’t do any good to frighten them with the bad things “strangers” can do. In fact, that not only scares them but gives them a false sense of security with people who aren’t strangers.

The NCMEC safety strategies are helpful because they combine skills children should have at various ages (for example, knowing their home phone number and address) with behaviors they should learn at each age. Through the Adam Walsh Children’s Fund, the Center put together a program called “Kids & Company: Together for Safety,” which features a range of educational materials, including exercises and games for kids in kindergarten through sixth grade. As parents, you can instill the ideas yourself at home, but if
you’d like to get more information or to talk to someone about having the curriculum implemented at your children’s school, contact the NCMEC directly at 1-800-THE-LOST. A summary of this information, prepared by the Center, can be found at the end of this chapter.

One of the skills which can be presented in a nonthreatening way is the Buddy System, which simply teaches children not to go places by themselves. As adults, we know that kids who are alone are easier targets and so are at greater risk. We don’t have to tell them the bogeyman waits for kids walking home from school alone. They just need to learn, in a positive way, to stay with their buddies. And it’s easy for kids to remember that they need to stick together—with their parents, sisters and brothers, friends, or classmates. In the NCMEC program, for example, young children learn about the Buddy System through a song.

Another behavior you can teach your children that may help eliminate some situational opportunities for victimization is Check First. Check First is central to the Kids & Company program. The message is simple and nonthreatening for children: just check with me before you go somewhere or do something. Even at a very young age, kids can understand that they have to ask a parent or baby-sitter before they do something. And if you give them positive reinforcement every time they check with you, they’ll feel good about themselves.

As Peter Banks states it: “The number one weapon against the child molester is the self-esteem of the child.” This can’t be repeated often enough.

They’ll also learn from you how to make good decisions over time. Child predators often confuse kids by putting them in situations in which they’re not prepared to make the right judgment call and then take advantage of their confusion. We know that an adult should not be asking a small child for help unloading groceries, for example, but a child may not immediately recognize that as inappropriate. Their eagerness to help may make them vulnerable. If they know to check with you first, though, you can make the choice and set an example of what’s okay and what’s not.

You can talk to your kids about when touching is okay and when it’s not. Like adults, kids have an inner warning
buzzer that goes off when they’re in a situation they don’t like, but they may need help to become aware of those feelings, and in understanding that they are right to follow their feelings. They know that a hug from grandma feels good and secure, for example, and they’ll instinctively feel differently about the wrong kinds of touches.

You can reinforce their feelings by talking to them about the kinds of touches that feel good. As Peter Banks points out, it would be a terrible shame for all concerned if the fear over child molestation prevented all hugging and touching and appropriate signs of affection between adults and children. With a teacher, a coach, or any other adult, it’s not difficult to distinguish between hugs, pats, or other touching that seems appropriate and those which do not once the child understands that both kinds exist.

Most kids are taught to be respectful of adults, which is appropriate, but they should know that there are circumstances where they can say “No” to an adult. And when an adult is trying to touch them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable, confused, angry (or “yucky,” depending on the age of the child), it’s a good time to say “NO.”

I remember my kids each went through a period around age two or three where it seemed like all they could say was “No!” But as they grow older, many kids get more timid, so it’s not a bad idea to practice saying “No.” You can roleplay, describing situations (not too frightening, but clearly times when the right answer is “No”) so your child can practice looking you right in the eye, with a serious expression, saying loudly, confidently, and clearly, “No,” or “Don’t do that!” It sounds like a small thing, but if a potential molester realizes this kid’s going to give him a lot of resistance, even simply verbal resistance, he’ll most likely move on. It’s like having a miniature poodle in your house. The dog is obviously not big enough or strong enough to overpower an intruder, but all that yapping could make a less determined offender pick another, quieter target where he’ll be less likely to draw attention to himself.

You want your children to understand that their bodies are their own and no one should touch them in a way they don’t like. Make sure your kids know what parts of their body are “private,” that they don’t have to share those parts
with other people, and that they shouldn’t be asked to touch anyone else’s private parts. If you use the real, anatomic terms for things (penis instead of pee-pee, for example), they’ll understand that these are important body parts that deserve respect and they’ll feel comfortable talking about them.

There are some times when other people may need to look at their private parts, such as at the doctor’s office or when a baby-sitter gives a young child a bath, but they still need a good reason. If your child has to be examined by a doctor, make sure you can stay in the room. And for their own protection and self-confidence, children should learn personal hygiene skills as early as they’re ready and should then have responsibility for that themselves. Finally, kids need to know that if someone does try to touch their private parts, it’s not their fault. Just as important, if they tell an adult and that person doesn’t do anything to help them, they should keep telling until they find someone who does.

Of course, it is important to keep context in mind so that children are not unnecessarily traumatized. Virtually all children play doctor with each other at one time or another in their early development. This is a normal part of exploring themselves and their bodies and the explanation we give them when we “catch” them at it is important to their future development and adjustment. When this activity becomes a serious concern, however, is when there is a large age or sophistication gap between one participant and the other. Then it’s not normal childhood development and exploration; then it’s sexual exploitation.

For all elementary-school-age kids, the NCMEC has an easy-to-remember phrase that sums up what kids should do in any situation in which they feel uncomfortable: NO-GOTELL, which stands for saying NO, then GOing and TELLing a parent or another adult the child trusts about what happened. Children need to understand that sometimes, even if someone asks you to keep a secret, you still have to tell somebody. Kids & Company differentiates between “swell” secrets, which are fun to keep and don’t hurt anybody, and “tell” secrets, which really have to be told to someone. Even if he promised not to tell, if a child has a secret that hurts him, he should understand that it’s good to tell a trusted
grown-up about it. You should acknowledge that sometimes it’s hard to talk about something that’s scary or confusing, and that even if they don’t tell right away, they can anytime they want to. It is never too late.

You can practice this even with younger children, giving them scenarios and asking them if the secret in the story is a swell secret or a tell secret. For example, if daddy tells you what he got mommy for a birthday present, but says he wants it to be a surprise so don’t tell her, that’s swell. If the baby-sitter tells you she wants to play a game where you get undressed and touch each other’s private parts, that’s definitely a tell! Ask them to describe some swell and tell secrets, making sure they understand the concept.

Most of this is a way of organizing common sense, and the NCMEC has done a great job of putting it in words and phrases that are easy for kids to remember and for parents to teach and reinforce. The last part of their program, teaching kids safety strategies for different settings like shopping centers, new neighborhoods, or when they’re home alone, deals with something most parents tend to overlook.

We get so caught up trying to keep our kids away from strangers that we forget to identify for them people who are safe to turn to when we’re not around. As a child, my parents and all of my friends’ parents taught us not to talk to strangers. But practically speaking, there are certain strangers we have to be able to talk to. Think about it: if you’re separated from your five-year-old in the mall and you’ve taught her never to talk to strangers, you’ve left her stranded! We need to teach children how to choose people who could help them in an emergency: someone wearing a uniform or a name tag or standing behind a counter; a pregnant mother pushing another child in a stroller; bus drivers; school crossing guards; elderly grandmothers. Not only will this give them a safety net, it will boost their self-esteem and confidence because they know what to do if something happens. Am I willing to swear that no pregnant woman or bus driver has ever harmed a child? Of course not, but the chances are very slim and we’ve got to play the odds. We’ve got to teach our children to be profilers—to profile who are the safest people to go to when they need help.

Realistically, every parent I know (including myself, I
must admit) has misplaced a child at some point or another. I don’t mean that the child’s been snatched away, but maybe you’re shopping with your three kids and one of them wanders off. Or maybe your child has permission to ride his bike with his friends up and down the block and instead they go one block farther, inside another friend’s house to watch TV, and lose track of time. Whatever the reason, you’ll probably have at least one time in your life as a parent—for at least a few minutes—where you won’t know your child’s whereabouts. It’ll scare the hell out of you, but if you’ve prepared your child in advance, you’ll feel that at least they know how to act, what to say, and whom to contact if they need help.

If your child is missing for any extended period of time, you can make life easier for yourself and the authorities by always keeping a recent photo and current description handy. By current description I mean keeping track of your kid’s height and weight as he grows. Be able to describe his eye and hair color, favorite jacket and sneakers. These things, with a photo of your child that actually looks like him, is what will help you get your kid back quickly in most of those rare instances where you do have to get the police or other authorities involved. Photos are especially important with younger children, who can change dramatically over a period of weeks—think of how different a toddler looks as her hair grows in and darkens and you start to dress her in young-kid clothes instead of frilly baby things.

You need photos and descriptions of older kids, and you need to talk to them in advance about how to handle other situations as they’re ready for them. With youngsters who might spend time alone in the house, you need to discuss how they should handle visitors at the door and phone calls. Along with your emergency list of names and phone numbers of people they can call if they need someone, also give them a list of people they’re allowed to open the door for (and if someone’s not on the list but seems to really need to get inside they should Check First by calling you or a neighbor they trust). On the phone, they should act like there’s an adult home even if they’re all alone, maybe pretending to go look for a parent before telling the caller the adult can’t come to the phone.