Journey of the Heart (25 page)

“But he will be here in two weeks! How can ye not go back?” exclaimed Michael.

“Are you
sure
you just don’t want to get rid of me, Da?” teased Cait.

“Dia,
how could you think that! I hate the idea of you going, but you can’t let our troubles stand in your way.”

“They are my troubles too, Da,” Cait told him quietly. “This is my home and I want to be with you and Ma and help you fight for it.”

“I’m hopin’ it won’t come to that, Cait. It probably won’t,” said Michael reassuringly. “What if ye let Henry go and there is no fighting needed?”

“Then I could always follow him on another train, couldn’t I, Da?”

They had all finished their dinner and were just drinking their coffee. “Come, Sadie,” said Gabe, “it’s a nice evening. Why don’t we sit outside to finish our coffee?”

Sadie excused herself and Elizabeth said gratefully, “Thank you, Sadie.” She turned back to her daughter as the door closed.

“What are you going to tell Henry, Caitlin?” she asked, placing her hand over her daughter’s.

“I’m not sure, Ma. Oh, I will certainly tell him my main reason: that I can’t leave you and Da with things so unsettled and dangerous.”

“He’ll think that all the more reason for you to go, Cait,” Elizabeth replied.

“And if this is Mackie’s worst, and he gives up when he sees we won’t budge, will ye be telling Henry ye’ll be on the next train?” asked Michael.

“I don’t know, Da,” she confessed.

“Ye can’t lead the man on, daughter.”

“I don’t think I can marry him, Ma,” she said with a little choke in her voice. “I don’t think I love him enough to leave you behind. This is my
home
….”

“When you love someone, then he becomes your home, Cait,” Elizabeth said softly.

“You said that about you and Da, Ma, whenever you told me the story of how you left the army to come here. That wherever you went, you had a home in each other.”

“ ‘Tis true, Cait. That’s what lovin’ someone means,” said her father.

“Then maybe I don’t love Henry. I
thought
I did,” she said, her voice breaking.

“Of course, you did, my dear,” said Elizabeth, putting her arm around her.

“I don’t want to hurt him….”

“ ‘Twould hurt a man far more to find out later that ye didn’t really love him,” Michael told her gently.

“You are sure you are not doing this for us, Cait?”

“I am sure, Ma. This is where I belong, not back east.”

“Oh, I am so happy not to lose you,” whispered Elizabeth.

“And I am so proud of you, Cait,” said her father. “I know this was a hard decision to make. This is a woman’s decision,” he added, reaching over and stroking her hair.

* * * *

“Well, that was a surprise,” said Sadie as she and Gabe walked down toward the pasture. “I feel sorry for this poor Henry.”

Gabe only grunted his agreement and Sadie pulled him by the arm. “You don’t sound that surprised, Gabe. Or that sorry for Henry,” she added with a quick smile.

“She told me about it last night, Sadie.”

“She? Caitlin?”

“She couldn’t sleep and was out telling Sky all her troubles. I heard the horses stirring and came out to see what it was, is all. So you can stop thinking what you’re thinking, Sarah Ellen.”

“How do you know what I am thinking, Gabe Hart?”

“She doesn’t know I’m alive. And I’m just her daddy’s horse wrangler.”

“A lot more than a wrangler, Gabe. I’d say that Mr. Burke trusts you like he would a partner. Do you
want
her to know you’re alive?” she asked lightly.

Gabe stopped and gave his sister a humorously despairing look. “Wal, Sadie,” he drawled, “when I first met Miss Caitlin Burke I didn’t like her and she didn’t like me. Though I couldn’t help noticing what a pretty girl she was, that’s all she seemed: a girl, maybe a little spoiled and engaged to someone. Not to mention she was the boss’s daughter. But I began to notice that she has some, uh, womanly qualities….”

“Gabriel Hart!”

“Only a blind saint wouldn’t notice, Sadie. And I’m neither.” Gabe’s voice became more serious. “I was really angry about Sky, of course. But she surprised me. She apologized and has gone out of her way to help me work with him. And last night, when she told me she was staying, wal, Sadie, she just about took my breath away. I thought she’d be gone and I’d forget her. Now I know I won’t be able to forget her,” he said ruefully.

“Why do you have to, Gabe? Do you love her?”

“I don’t know, Sadie. I can’t let myself love her. I can’t go through that again, loving some woman who doesn’t love me.”

“Caroline loved you, Gabe. She just didn’t have the courage to go against everything she had been taught.”

“I wasn’t asking her to, Sadie. I was only asking her to understand, to love me for who I was, not who she wanted me to be.” Gabe hesitated. “I’ve done some killing, Sadie. None of which I am ashamed of, but all of it I regret. And I’m likely going to have to do some more if Mackie doesn’t give up.”

“Do you think he’s accepted that Mr. Burke won’t give in?”

“I don’t think he’ll be satisfied till he’s got this piece of land, Sadie. I believe it will come to some sort of fight sooner or later.”

They sat there, lost in their own thoughts until Sadie broke the silence. “Do you think it is possible to care for a bad man, Gabe?”

“What do you mean?”

“Oh, I don’t know…. I guess I was thinking of Mackie and his wife. She must love him.”

“Maybe she does, but I can’t see how any woman can overlook what he is and what he’s done.”

“There may be something in him that only she sees, Gabe.”

“If there is, then she’s got damned better eyesight than me,” scoffed Gabe.

After Sadie returned to the house, Gabe sat on the corral fence for a while, thinking about their conversation. Although he wasn’t that much older in years than Caitlin Burke, she felt young to him in experience. And while he might not be a Mackie or Chavez, the life he had lived was not as simple or uncomplicated as someone like Henry Beecham. In New Mexico, a man was asked questions to which there were no simple answers. If you considered yourself law-abiding, did you stay within the law even if it was corrupt? When you joined a legally constituted posse that was then stripped of its legality, did you continue to ride with them? Henry Beecham would never be faced with questions like that, though every man would have to decide between good and evil sometime in his life, Gabe had to admit to himself. But back east, violent answers to such questions were a damn sight less likely.

Any woman who loved him would have to love him for the choices he’d made in his life and not in spite of them. He just wasn’t sure if Caitlin Burke could come to love him enough to do that.

Now that she had made her decision, Caitlin felt strangely at peace. It was a great relief not to be filled with confusion about her feelings for Henry. All of a sudden, what had seemed so muddy now seemed so clear. She still had great affection and admiration for him, but she could finally see that those together did not add up to a love that could sustain them for the rest of their lives.

She got up in the mornings and welcomed the dawn. She drank in the smell of sagebrush after a thunderstorm and wondered how she had even thought she could leave. She knew it would be painful to tell Henry. She would need to hurt him dreadfully and she could only hope that someday he would understand.

* * * *

It was harder than she thought. He came in on an afternoon train and Jake picked him up. They only got back to the ranch just before bedtime and there was no possibility to do more than give him a hello and good-night hug in one.

In the morning, Henry gave Cait a questioning look when Gabe came in for breakfast. She was a little surprised because she hadn’t thought Henry a snob and on some ranches and farms, hired hands regularly ate with the family, Not back east, of course, she thought, remembering the formality of the Beecham household and how it had intimidated and impressed her at the same time.

When Sadie came down and was introduced, Henry was politely friendly, but later, when he and Cait were out for a morning ride, he commented on it.

“It was very kind of your parents to let Hart’s sister stay with you, Cait.”

The words were complimentary enough, but the underlying sentiment seemed critical to Cait.

“What do you mean, Henry?”

“Just that she is the sister of your father’s wrangler. It would be more usual for her to board in town, wouldn’t it?”

“Maybe in Philadelphia, Henry. Out here we care less about such distinctions,” Cait replied coolly.

“Now don’t prickle up like a cactus, Cait,” said Henry. “It is just that I was taught that it is better to maintain some distance between employer and employee.”

“Mr. Hart hasn’t seen his sister in ten years and Ma thought he would get to spend more time with her if she stayed with us. And he has become more than just Da’s hired hand,” she added, wondering why she felt so defensive.

They were near one of their favorite spots to picnic and Henry pulled up.

“Shall we stop and rest, Cait?”

Neither of them needed a rest and she knew it, but she nodded, thinking that this was as good a time and place as any to tell Henry about her change of heart.

He spread out the old poncho that was tied to his saddle and they sat down.

“From what you told us at breakfast, you enjoyed your visit to California, Henry.”

“I did, Cait, and I am happy to have seen more of the West, but I tell you, I’ll be even happier when I am back east. When
we
are back east,” he added, turning to her and brushing her cheek with his finger. He leaned down and brushed her lips with his. “I’ve missed you, Cait.”

The look in his eyes almost undid her. Whatever she felt about Henry, there was no question in her mind about him. He loved her. He was a good man and she was about to hurt him deeply. “I have missed you too, Henry,” she whispered. It was true, as far as it went.

He put his arm around her, as though to draw her in for another kiss, but she pulled away. “Henry, I must tell you something.”

“You can tell me anything, Cait,” he replied with a sweet smile.

“You know all the trouble we’ve been having with Nelson Mackie?”

“Yes.”

“It has gotten far worse since you’ve been away. Last week, Eduardo, our sheepherder, was murdered.”

Henry’s arm went around her again and this time she didn’t have the courage to pull away.

“Thank God I can take you away from all this, Cait. It must be terrifying for you.”

“Henry….”

“Yes, darling?”

“I can’t go back east with you.”

“What do you mean, Cait? We are leaving in two days.”

“I can’t bear to leave my parents to face all this alone. I can’t go, not knowing my family and home are being threatened.”

Henry, who had stiffened at her first words, relaxed and taking her gently by the shoulders, turned her to face him. “Of course you feel this way, Cait. Anyone would. But if there is so much danger and if Mackie is the sort who would kill to get his way, then the sooner you are out of here the better. I’m sure your parents feel the same way, for they love you too.”

There was an easy way to do this, Cait realized. She only had to keep repeating her concerns, promise him that she’d be on the train east in a month’s time if Mackie appeared to have given up. It would be hard, but he’d eventually understand and give in. Then all she would have to do is write him a letter explaining the rest. But that was a coward’s way. Henry deserved to hear the full reason for her decision now, not later in some version of a ‘Dear John’ letter.

She looked up at his concerned face. Was she
sure
about this? She could join him later, in a month or more if it took that. He wouldn’t like it, but he would understand. She did care about him.

“I thought about your family’s predicament a lot, Cait,” Henry was saying. “I am sure that your father is going about this the wrong way. If the local sheriff is corrupt, then he must seek legal redress elsewhere, especially if he has proof that Mackie killed Eduardo.”

“There is no proof, Henry, although we know he did it. Not Mackie himself, of course. He’s careful to keep out of it. Chavez, his hired gun, was seen up by the sheep just before Eduardo was killed. But even if there was proof, Mackie has political influence right up to the governor. You don’t really understand what it’s like out here.”

“I understand that it is a territory of the United States with a governor who is responsible to Washington,” he replied hotly.

“Let me tell you, Henry, that didn’t matter a damn in Lincoln County,” said Cait, surprised by the surge of anger that took hold of her. She never swore, not out loud anyway.

Henry gave her a frustrated look. “You are convinced that East is East and West is West, eh, Cait?”

“For now, it is, Henry. New Mexico may be a territory of the United States, but it may as well be a different country.”

Henry sighed. “You are right, I don’t understand it. But I do understand why you feel you can’t leave.”

He was giving her the perfect opening for the coward’s way out. She couldn’t take it.

“Henry, perhaps if all this trouble weren’t happening, I would have gone back east with you and we would have lived quite happily together….”

“Of course we would. We still will.”

“Let me finish, Henry,” she said, pulling out of his arms at last. “I care for you very much.”

“You love me, Cait…or so you said.” Henry started to reach out for her again.

“No, Henry, don’t. I thought that my great affection and admiration for you was love, Henry. But I have begun to realize that the way I love you—and I do love you—is not the kind of love you deserve.”

“I deserve
you,
Cait. I’ve loved you since I met you.”

“I know, Henry, I know. But you deserve a woman who can give you her whole heart. Can make you her home, forsaking all others. I can’t do that, Henry. This is my home and I can’t leave it.”