Journey to the Centre of Myself (3 page)

BOOK: Journey to the Centre of Myself
12.54Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

Shoulders back and with a satisfied smile, I decide it’s a clothes store next. I'll dress in yellow and orange and be free.

 

 

Chapter 3

 

Amber

 

I woke up this morning with the image of tapioca in my mind. Do you remember it? That awful gloopy stuff resembling tadpoles that they served you for school dinners. It was like glue in a bowl, but they believed adding a blob of jam to the middle would make a child forget that. I hated bloody tapioca. The dinner lady wouldn’t let me leave the table until I’d eaten the lot. Evil cow, I bet her husband made her swallow.

      Now I’m picturing sperm. That’s what Will wants, little tapioca swimming up my cervix and meeting my egg. It’s not going to happen. I reach for my mobile and order a new prescription of contraceptive pills. As I return my phone to my bag, I take out four days worth of tablets and make a show of walking to the bathroom bin and depositing the rest inside. Will, brushing his teeth, smiles at me. Toothpaste foams and drops from the side of his mouth like he’s rabid. He rinses his mouth. He hasn’t brushed for his usual two minutes, but he can’t wait to speak.

‘Amber, that’s fantastic. We’re really going to try for a baby.’ His eyes gleam. As he speaks, spittle hits my face.

 ‘It might not happen straight away, you know?’

 ‘Oh, that’s okay. As long as we’re trying, I’m sure it won’t be long.’

He leaves the bathroom and I sit on the toilet to wee. As I wipe myself, I see a familiar smudge of blood on the toilet paper. I once again picture the jam in the centre of the tapioca.

 

As I race into the office at three minutes past nine, the other two secretaries are already sitting at their desks, conversing while their newly made drinks billow steam.

‘Coffee on your desk, Amber,’ says the twenty-two-year-old Support Secretary, Mirelle, so named as it meant
worthy of admiration
. Her parents couldn’t have chosen any better. She has long, golden blonde hair and a lightly tanned face that glows with vitality. A sprinkling of freckles across her nose and cheeks would suggest the fairies themselves christened her with their dust.

‘Thanks. It’s needed this morning,’ I reply as I hang my coat on the back of the door. I then slump into my chair, throw my bag to the floor at the side of me and switch on my computer.

We all work for a car hire company. It doesn’t sound very grand, but it’s well known and has its own repair division. Unfortunately, the economic crisis meant the recent downsizing was unavoidable. I’ve been here three months. At first I figured I had the tasks no-one else wanted to do, complicated but boring stuff like spreadsheets. Then people were given redundancy notices, and it became clear I had some of the workload the redundancies would leave behind. People's eyes would narrow in my direction. As time’s gone on, I sense Mirelle and Jo have accepted I’m around, and hopefully I can settle in a bit more. It’s not the best job in the world, but it’s not the worst either. I’ve had some of those being a temp.

Mirelle and Jo shoot each other a look.

‘What?’ I ask as I search my face with my fingers for unknown horrors.

Jo brushes her light brown curled hair behind her ear. ‘We want to know what happened Friday night.’

I feel the heat rise in my cheeks. ‘What do you mean?’

Mirelle smirks. ‘We mean… that as we were standing outside ready to move on to the next bar, wondering where you’d got to, we caught sight of you with a hunky individual. We saw him hand you a drink.’

‘Oh, is that all? He was just helping me get served.’

‘You walked away with a
very
triumphant grin.’

‘Yes, alone. Abandoned by you lot. I just fancied letting my hair down.’

‘I told you there was nothing to it,’ says Jo, going back to her work.

‘Boring.’ Mirelle sighs, leaning back in her chair, ‘for a second there I suspected we might have something in common.’

I’m intrigued. What the hell could I have in common with the magnificent Mirelle? She walks into a bar and it’s like the Pied Piper has appeared, though to be fair, she does seem to get rats following her.

‘Stop winding her up, Mirelle.’

I take a sip of my tea and appraise my desk, deciding what to do first.

‘So, nothing happened?’ Mirelle is not letting this go.

I pause a second too long.

‘It did. I knew it.’

‘Oh, it was nothing. A drunken flirtation.’

‘That’s not good enough, I want info.’

Jo stops typing. ‘You're married, aren't you?’

Mirelle steeples her fingers. ‘She is. That’s why we have something in common.’

‘You’re married?’ I’m shocked as she doesn’t seem the sort to marry so young.

‘No stupid, I date married men. I cheat, like you.’

‘I’m not cheating.’

‘Hmm, very strenuous denial. I want deets, then I’ll decide.’

The door opens and our Manager, Andi, walks in. ‘Everything okay out here, ladies?’

‘Yes,’ we echo.

‘Great, I’ll leave you to it then. As you can imagine things are a little hectic with the newly reduced workforce.’ The door bangs again on her way out.

I type. Mirelle looks over her screen at me. ‘Don’t assume this conversation is over.’

‘There’s nothing to tell.’

She sighs and picks up a folder.

 

The next hour plods on. We have our heads down, busy with our work. I hear Mirelle’s phone beep and watch as she checks it and smiles.‘Do you guys mind if I take an early lunch today and have an hour?’

I know she wants me to ask what she’s doing and I’m so keen to get her talking again I can’t help myself. ‘Go on then, where are you going?’

‘Tell you what. I’ll answer your question if you answer one of mine first.’

‘Fine.’ I sigh and put my pen down.

‘Did you get your leg over Friday?’

‘No.’

‘Damn.’

‘That’s your question done, now answer mine.’

‘She’s off to meet her lover,’ says Jo. ‘I don’t approve.’

‘Oh just because
you’re
loved up.’ Mirelle flicks her fringe.

‘Hardly, but still, I made my vows and I believe in sticking to them.’

‘Well I haven’t made any, so I’m not doing anything wrong.’

Jo points at me. ‘No, but she has.’

‘I haven’t done anything.’ I hold up my hands.

‘Right, I’m sticking the kettle on and when I get back, I want to ask you both something.’ Jo walks out of the office and we look at each other.

Mirelle raises an eyebrow. ‘Well, we’ve rattled her cage. Do you suppose she’s been cheated on?’

I shrug my shoulders.

Jo returns and sits on the edge of her desk. I don’t like it as I have to crane my neck to look at her.

‘Okay, so what do you agree is cheating?’

‘Bonking a married person?’ says Mirelle.

I snort.

‘What about you, Amber?’

‘Erm, I accept a snog’s okay but anything more is a grey area.’

‘But only when you’re married right?’ says Mirelle.

‘Erm, no, if you’re in a relationship in general,’ I reply.

‘You’re shitting me,’ says Mirelle. ‘So if you’re not married and someone grabs your boob you’re committing adultery?’

‘Err…’

‘I believe penetration has to occur—whether it’s mouth, vag or bum,’ adds Mirelle.

‘Eww.’ I screw up my face.

‘Oh God, I’ll save
that
subject for another time. Anyway, Jo, what’s this about?’

‘Well, I believe that whenever you stop thinking about your other half and your thoughts are on someone else, you’ve crossed a line.’

‘What?’ Mirelle jumps up and grabs her coat. ‘You’re crazier than she is. I’m going to lunch.’

‘What makes you say that?’ I ask Jo.

‘Because that’s what I did in my first marriage.’

Mirelle sits back in her seat. ‘Tell all.’

Jo picks up her mug and runs her finger around the rim. ‘Well, there’s not a lot to tell. I met Charlie at work when I was still married to Rob. I spent so much time flirting and going for drinks with colleagues—including him—that my marriage fell apart. The irony is that I never actually did anything with Charlie, apart from being flirtatious, but I wasn’t present in my marriage and it floundered.’

‘But you didn’t cheat,’ says Mirelle.

‘Physically no, but I lost interest in anything Rob said. I didn’t realise I was Charlie this, Charlie that until Rob demanded to know what was going on. I told him we’d only been out for drinks after work, but it was enough for him. In his mind, I’d been unfaithful.’

‘Aren’t you married to Charlie now? Is it the same one?’ Mirelle is bouncing in her seat with the gossip.

‘Yes, we got together after.’

‘Well, it must have been fate then.’

‘No. I think I settled as I didn’t want to have messed up my marriage for nothing, but I actually miss Rob, I always have.’

We’re all quiet for a time.

‘Wow,’ I say.

‘So all I’m saying is consider what you’re doing.’ She turns to us both. ‘I’m no innocent, but I have the scars to show for it.’

‘It’s too late for me,’ says Mirelle and heads out of the door.

Jo shakes her head and turns to me. ‘What about you?’ she says.

‘I've done nothing wrong. There’s nothing for me to consider.’

Jo nods and turns back to her screen.

My eyes drift toward my handbag. My phone says otherwise.

 

When Mirelle returns from lunch, Jo is out of the office taking minutes. ‘Okay, fess up then, what went off Friday?’

‘You’re not going to leave this are you?’

‘Nope.’

‘I had a drunken snog.’

‘And?’

‘And nothing.’

‘Really? Nothing else?’

‘Well…’

‘Amber.’

I reach down for my bag. ‘I got a text Saturday. Trouble is… I was so drunk Friday night I’m not entirely sure what I did.’

Mirelle laughs and claps her hands. ‘Oh I love it, I knew you would be fun the moment I saw you.’

Fun? Me?
I feel like I lost that a while ago. I smile. It feels good that someone a few years younger than me thinks I might be fun.

‘So what does the text say? Show me.’

I put it on screen and pass it to her. ‘There’s no clue what I got up to, is there?’

She reads the screen aloud. ‘
Had fun, but next time Amber it’s green for go

.

‘See I don’t know what he’s talking about. All I remember is a drunken snog and getting a cab home.’

      Distracted by an incoming email message, I don’t realise what Mirelle’s been up to until she hands my phone back and I see a message beneath the one I received:

I prefer red for danger myself.

I glare at her. ‘Mirelle, what have you done? I had no intention of replying.’

‘Why did you keep the message then? Why not delete it?’

‘I don’t know.’ Elbow resting on the desk, I put my hand to my head.

‘What’s happening at home then, to make you tempted?’

My shoulders slump. I tell her how bored I’ve become with routine and Will’s plans to start a family.

‘Oh dear. Well until you get preggers you must come out with me and have some last minute fun.’

She sees my face.

‘Christ, sorry. You really don’t want a kid, do you?’

‘I do one day. Maybe even more than one. Just not now.’

‘Well, you need to tell him.’

‘I told him I’d try. He was so happy.’

‘So what are you going to do then?’

I decide to confide in her. ‘I’m still taking the pill, just not telling Will.’

‘That’s my girl. Gives you time to think.’

I nod.

‘Plus you’re well covered if you fancy a bit of traffic lighting.’

‘Ha ha ha.’

Mirelle looks at the clock. ‘Listen, Jo’ll be back soon. I’ll not tell her anything we’ve talked about if you want to keep it quiet.’

‘Appreciated, thank you.’

‘I’ve got a proposition for you, though.’

I sigh. ‘Go on, what?’

‘You know what Jo was saying about what
is
cheating?’

‘Yeah, what about it?’

‘I want to do an experiment. I dare you to work through a list of agreed topics with whatever he’s called.’

‘Adrian.’

‘And you can stop when it feels like you’re cheating.’

‘Are you insane? I’m married.’

‘That didn’t stop you Friday night. Come on, it’ll be fun. What’s the problem? If you stop before cheating then you aren’t doing anything wrong, are you? Think of it as a last bit of fun before you’re up to your waist in shitty nappies.’

BOOK: Journey to the Centre of Myself
12.54Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

Other books

Claws of the Dragon by Craig Halloran
Noah's Rainy Day by Sandra Brannan
Jed's Sweet Revenge by Deborah Smith
When Danger Follows by Maggi Andersen
Fear the Night by John Lutz