Judas (21 page)

“The things I do are the result of anger and frustration that little by little builds within me. When I can no longer contain it, a single wrong word can trigger me, turning me into a living, breathing monster. The man who hurt you was not me.”

              She stopped him. “Judas. I know that. There were many times you were not the husband I recognized. But I thought that even the man I knew would enjoy bringing me pain. I was selfish in that.”

He shook his head, “I don't enjoy any of the things I do but when I'm triggered, there is no control. No stopping. No safe words. No escape. It consumes me until each emotion is ripped from my soul in a violent rage. When it's over, the sight and smell of the blood disgusts me, makes me ill. I hate myself for the things I do and the words that come out are shocking, even to me. I don't mean them.” Her breath caught as she remembered his words that night. He was so cruel and so demanding. He had abused and humiliated her.

              He paused to take a long, deep breath, as trembling hands fumbled to light a cigarette. He took a slow draw and began again, half rambling as he spoke more to himself than to her. “I don't want any of it. I'm not a violent man, and I'm not a sadist, as I have led women to believe.  There were tears in his eyes as he looked at her brokenly, “I'm sorry for that, but I didn't know how else to explain without telling you all of this.”

             
She understood. He was deeply troubled but she had no idea what to say or how to help him. “Do you know what caused you to become this way?” she asked, softly, stroking her fingers over his in an attempt to calm him.

He shook his head. “Dad took me to a psychiatrist when I was a kid. When anger management failed, they blamed it on self
- harm, and bi-polar disorder, and no matter what label they gave me, none of them ever fit.”

She nodded, “So you gave up?”

              “I didn't give up. I accepted what I am. And we made a plan,” he said without regret. “My father was the only one who knew. He kept my secret all these years. From, everyone. He helped me to find women who would allow me to be rough with them and to do the things I needed to do to find peace,” he told her. “I was twelve, yet I knew I wanted to cause pain, and I enjoyed the release it brought.”

She was shocked. “Your father sent you hookers when you were a kid?”

He nodded. “By the time I was fourteen, yes. We had given up hope that anyone would help me. But those releases helped keep me from triggering. It became a way to keep the beast within under control.”

“What happened when you were unable to find someone? Or
, before then? How did you release it?

He simply rolled up his sleeve and showed her the pattern of scars that lined his arm. They were so faint by now, that she hadn't thought much of them when she saw them there before. Some were thin lines, but two were larger, and circular. “Cigarettes
, and knives. There are more,” he told her, removing his boots.

He showed her the soles of his feet that were marred with the same marks, and she winced visibly, imagining the pain when he walked. Why had she never noticed those before? And
, why there?

“Why on your feet?”

“Because it was the only place no one would look. Mother called me a freak and refused to be seen in public with me because of my scars. So I learned to hide them.”

             
She leaned her head against his chest, sighing softly as she beside him as he told her about the women at work, and the reason behind his using the cocaine. It certainly explained a lot and she was sad for him. For the boy he was and for the man he had become.

She was also proud. He had found a way to overcome something that most kids wouldn't have even understood.  There was only one remaining piece missing from the puzzle. “The night you came back, and you made love to me.... “ she began, but he cut her off.

              “Yes, that was part of it,” he told her. “See, it's a cycle. The things that happen inside of me and the pain and hurt that it causes is vivid. Even when it's finished, it's not. There is only one way for me to move past it, and that is to complete the cycle through giving as much affection as the misery I have caused. It can't be given to the same person because I can't allow myself to have any emotion toward the one I will destroy. If I were to develop feelings, or begin to see her as a person, I can't use her in that way. She would be useless to me. So I needed you to accept everything good in me, to cleanse me of all that was dirty and to redeem me.”

             
She was bawling now, sobbing openly as the tears poured down both of their faces. It only intensified her need to help him. “What about now? Do you think you would want to try again to get help?”

“Yes. I know now that there is no other option. This has destroyed all that I have ever cared about in my life. It is time to try again.” He threw the cigarette that had burned up into the container and lit a new one.

“I want to help you,” she said. “What can I do?”

“Stay,” he said.

She smiled through her tears, “Done.”

cHAPTER tWENTY

He slept comfortably with her in his arms. It was different than he remembered and even though her warmth could be felt, her soul could not. He was content, but it wasn't the same. He knew he had a tough road ahead to rebuild the bridges that had been burned but at least for now, she was here and she had accepted the truth. All of it. He was sorry that he ever kept it from her now. He felt as if the heavy weight he had been dragging around was suddenly hoisted from his shoulders.
              He called Jaime to let her know he wouldn't be back that night and she was disappointed but she understood. Judas was already missing her but as always, it was his wife that would take priority and she needed him as much as he needed her tonight. They were on a path toward redemption and he had to see it through. He could no longer live with the demon inside of him, because even now, he still felt it stir in the still of the night, and he knew that it was only a matter of time.
              “I understand now why you had to go to Jaime, and I believe that you don't love her,” she told him as they sat in the dusty living room that had once been warm and inviting. It had changed somehow over the months, and he felt like a stranger in the room.
He decided to go for the full truth. “I can't keep her anymore. Things changed after you left. We became friends. She's a good girl, but it's time for me to let her go.”
She tilted her head to look at him, “Do you love her?”
              He nodded, and then shrugged. “I think so. I don't know. Maybe I was lonely. Love isn't an easy thing for me. You know that.” He knew he was in love with Jaime but in that second, he began to question it. Had it not been for the drugs, he would never have opened up to her, and then there had been Zachary's death. Drugs and mourning had a funny way of making feelings out of nothing. And he was lonely. Maybe everything he felt for her had been a lie. It was just another of his crutches that he had always used to get him through.
              She looked hopeful as she asked, “You won't see her anymore, then?”
He shook his head, “No. I am leaving for Florida on Monday. I was going to tell her this weekend.”
“Why Florida?”
He thought about the answer for a moment before he spoke, “I need the break. A new beginning I suppose. But now, I guess...” There was a question in his voice as he trailed off and she immediately picked up on it.
“Judas, I'll follow you anywhere. If Florida is what you need, then I'll go.”
              He had to tell her now. “I'm going to get some help.”
“That's why you're going?” Her voice was soft but she was questioning.
He nodded, “I want to be close to my father, and I want to heal and to work through this but I have to do it on my terms.”
She smiled warmly at him, continuing her gentle questioning. “What are your terms?”
He was being honest with her. About everything. There was no reason for any secrets now. She was his wife. “Inpatient. However long it takes.”
              She raised a brow, as her face became lined with worry. “Why inpatient?”
He squeezed her hand as he told her, “Because it's going to be painful and difficult and I think it's best if I'm not near any women while I go through it. It's something I've never tried before.”
She sighed, clearly unhappy with his plan. “You know I'll help you in any way I can.”
He wasn't going to back down. She didn't have to like it. This was for him as much as for her and he had already made up his mind. “Then help me by allowing me to do this alone. I want to be whole and I want to be worthy of your love. We are still a family and I still want that for us.”
              “That last part is all that matters,” she said, forcing a smile as she wrapped her arms around his neck, hugging him tight.
He kissed her softly on the lips, “I'm not going to let you down this time.”
“I believe you,” she murmured, closing her eyes.
He had only one request. “Before we go, I would like for the two of us to visit Zachary's grave. To tell him we will see him later.”
She nodded, holding him a little tighter. “I'd like that.”
 

             
He called his dad to let him know that he would be coming. Phillip had listened while Judas explained everything to him, from hurting Adessa to the loss of their child. He even told him that he thought he was in love with Jaime. It had come as a shock, because Judas only admitted to loving one woman in his whole life, and that had been Leanna. He never got over losing her and Phillip believed he never would.
              “Son, you know I'd give you the moon if I could reach the damn thing,” Phillip said gently. Judas smirked at the poetic words. “That's noble of you Dad, but we both know I don't deserve it.”
His father gave a hearty chuckle, “No, but it might impress the ladies.”
“I don't want to impress any ladies. I'm ready to get help, Dad. I need it.” He knew the statement caught the old man off guard. Phillip had waited nearly twenty years to hear those words.
“Well it's about damn time!” he sputtered, in shock. “Tell me what you need. Anything, Judas.”
              “I need a name or some idea of where to go. It's been too many years since I've been back,” he said.  “Discreet. Inpatient facility. Somewhere that won't allow me to tuck and run when the shit hits the fan,” he told him.
Phillip thought for a long moment before clearing his throat, “You can start with Sunnington. It's a nice place for men with sexual addictions. Never been.”
Judas raised a brow, “You think I'm addicted to sex? Look, enjoying it and being addicted are two different beasts.”
              “I know that, but you might be surprised with the things they can do there. Experts on all that sex stuff. Again, never been.”
Judas wasn't even convinced his problem was about sex, but he was willing to give it a try. It surely hadn't began with sex, but what did he know? He had to start somewhere and if this didn't work, he would just find a different place and keep going until he found whatever the cause. He had already come to terms with another label that would surely come.
              He no longer cared if he was a statistic, and if they wanted to slap a label on him, he was fine with that, as long as they could fix it. As long as he never hurt another woman again. “Alright, I'll check them out. You going to let them know I'm coming?”
“Of course! Just be prepared to pay a fortune,” Phillip warned.
Judas smirked. “That's a given. I wouldn't dream of claiming this one on the insurance.”
“Good boy!” his father cheered.
              Judas was nervous and anxious all at once. He had known his father would come through. He always did. “So you know someone at this facility?”
Phillip cleared his throat, “Dr. Wyndham. She's as good as they come. And son, try not to fuck her. I'm pulling strings here.”
“That will depend on how well she does her job. No promises.” His reply was arrogant, but they both knew that Judas was serious about his recovery. He wouldn't screw this up. He couldn't.
              He hung up the phone and was startled by Adessa's presence in the room. He hadn't heard her come in and had no idea how long she had been standing there. He sighed. It didn't matter. There would be no secrets between them, but he had spared no details on anything, so if she caught it all, then she knew without a doubt what his thoughts were on the situation. It was ugly, but he had made it so, and now he would fix it. Every wrong would be made right.
              “How is Dad, anyway?” she asked softly.
Judas gave a weak smile as he reached for her. “He's good. Same as ever.”
“I'm looking forward to the trip. I think it will be good for me as well,” she said leaning against him for support. They were both feeling melancholy and he blamed it on their nerves. They had been through so much. He couldn't wait to get to Florida and begin this new life. He kissed her forehead and rested his cheek against hers as they stood there. “We will be just fine, doll.”
              “I've missed that,” she whispered against his ear.
“I've missed you,” he responded. And he had. He was still missing her, truthfully.
“If my part in this brought you to this moment, then I'm not sorry, and everything I experienced was worth it,” she said, clinging to him.
He nodded, “Thank you.” He had no other words. He was so thankful to have her back, and he knew that eventually, he would be able to love again. To love her.