Jumper Cable (28 page)

“I know how these things work,” Eve said. She turned to Button.

“Such as marrying a mortal princess?”

Yes.

“What are you saying?” Jumper demanded.

Eve smiled grimly. “Not me. I’m thinking of my sister. She could bring brightness into anyone’s life.”

“But she’s not here to defend herself!”

“Precisely.”

He gazed at her, appalled. She met his look for a moment and an instant, then laughed. “There are other princesses, you know. I’m sure one would be interested. We’ll have to meet the Demon and discuss it.”

“Meet him? But look at all the trouble Pluto has made. We don’t want to make things even worse.”

“Not even if we manage to enlist a Demon on our side?”

Jumper looked at the others. Maybe this was feasible. Maybe this was the way they could complete their mission. “See if he can take us to that Demon.”

“Can you, Button?” Eve asked.

Yes.

“Made it with one to spare,” Eve said.

Jumper addressed the ghost. There was still a lot more he would have preferred to know, but this was definitely progress. “Then lead on, Button.”

Button floated across the white landscape. They followed. Until they came to a goblin hill. Jumper recognized it, because he had seen one in his original life. It looked like a pockmarked blister on the ground. Button skirted it, but the green goblins poured out like vengeful ants. “Oh, I wish Dawn were along,” Eve said. “She would be able to identify them.”

Then Button zipped back to them. Phanta turned ghost and signaled to him. He made a violently negative gesture. Phanta turned mortal. “Don’t let them touch you, any of you. Those are hemo-goblins. They will give you a rare blood disease.”

“But they’re already surrounding us!”

In was unfortunately true. The goblins had formed a three-quarter circle, so that only an ugly white patch of plants remained unblocked. Worse, Button was leading their way right through it.

“Deter gent!” Wenda exclaimed. “Plants that clean men so thoroughly they can knot stand it! That’s what we want.”

“It is?” Jumper asked uncertainly.

She considered. “Maybee the others had better carry yew across the patch, so yewr posterior does knot get cleaned.” She considered, smiling. “That wood knot bee fun for yew. I understand men dew knot like getting their rears reamed.”

“We can do that,” Maeve said.

“Ream my rear?” Jumper asked, alarmed.

“Carry you across,” Maeve clarified. She seemed to find the matter humorous.

So while Wenda went to make a rearguard, holding an armful of deters, Maeve, Olive, Phanta and Eve hauled Jumper up by his arms and legs and carried him through the patch. The plants tried to reach him, but only managed to brush his skin, leaving itchingly clean streaks. This was certainly a deterrence. He was glad that none of them got near his rear. Meanwhile Wenda stood before the goblins, threatening them with the plants. The hemo-goblins clearly understood the danger, and stayed carefully out of reach. Their rears were probably almost as filthy as their mouths, both of which would get reamed. But the moment Wenda left, they would surely find a way to use tools to push aside the plants so they could charge through and catch the travelers. The patch extended to the walls of a steep canyon, so there was no way around it.

“Yew go on!” Wenda called. “I will knot let these gents pass!”

“We can’t do that!” Jumper said.

The girls set him down beyond the patch. “We have no choice,” Eve said. “The mission demands it. We’ll pick her up on the return trip.”

“But—”

“Dew it!” Wenda called. “But dew knot bee too long about it!”

Jumper realized they were right. It was best to do what they had to do quickly, so they could return to rescue Wenda from the siege of the goblins. They would surely not treat her kindly, once they overwhelmed her.

Button resumed floating. The path wended onward. Now their party was down to six, having lost two members. Jumper hoped there would not be further problems.

That hope was in vain. The canyon walls drew together to make a narrow path, and in that path was a pile of sticks blocking the way. Jumper went to clear them out, but had a problem. The first one stretched rather than separated from the ground; he couldn’t pull it free. Eve touched it. “No wonder. That’s a pla stick. It’s so supple you can’t clear it out.” She looked at the others. “And that’s an ela stick, even worse; it will stretch farther than you can haul it. And that one’s a spa. Don’t touch it!”

“But we need to get through, and they are in the way.”

“Not by hauling on them,” she said firmly.

“I could jump over them, in my natural form,” he said. “I could carry you across one by one.”

“No good; they’ll move to get in our way again. They don’t like getting passed over.”

“Maybe I can help,” Maeve said. “I’ve had some experience with balky things.” She stripped away her false wax teeth, stepped out of her clothing, and faced the sticks. “I am a ferocious stick-thirsty maenad. I am going to chomp anything that gets in my way,” she announced. Button’s eyes bulged, but he didn’t freak out. He was, after all, a child, who must have seen bare girls in Castle Roogna. So he was naughtily amazed, but as a ghost he didn’t count as being in violation of the Adult Conspiracy. Technically.

A pla got in Maeve’s way. She chomped it, biting a ragged chunk out of it. The stick retreated, hurt. The others kept their distance.

“You folk go on,” Maeve said, spitting out the chunk. “I will anchor them here. I’ll chomp any that try to move.”

Again, they had to accede. They moved on, following Button, while Maeve glowered at the sticks, cowing them. Jumper even thought he heard a faint moo.

The walls closed in until there was hardly any path left. Then it plunged into a deep pool.

“Well, we can swim,” Eve said, stepping out of her clothing. Olive and Phanta did the same. Button’s eyes bulged again as he floated over the water, but they ignored that. So Jumper had to strip also, though he felt awkward.

“It isn’t as if we’re showing anything we haven’t all seen before,” Eve said, and jumped into the pool. The others followed, except for Haughty, who flew above the surface.

The water flowed out the other side, through a small round hole. Button floated there, indicating it as their route. But there was a creature in the water. It was sleek and fat, with broad flippers.

“That’s a seal,” Haughty said. “It seals things off.”

“What if it seals the exit?” Jumper asked. “How will we return?”

“I’ll stop it,” Haughty said. “If it comes near the hole, I’ll kiss it on the snoot and stun it for a time.”

Jumper remembered how she had kissed the smoker dragon on the snoot and caused it to backfire. Kisses seemed to be remarkably effective against monsters. “Don’t overdo it,” he said. “We don’t want to get that poor seal unstuck.”

Olive, Eve, and Phanta laughed. They remembered too. They swam for the exit. The seal zoomed in to seal it off. Haughty swooped down to intercept it. She metamorphosed to Hottie and planted a smoldering kiss on the seal’s nose. Sure enough, it froze in the water, stunned.

“Keep your distance,” Hottie screeched as she hovered between the seal and the exit. “There’s more where that came from.”

The remaining four of them followed Button through the hole. Jumper found himself sliding along a watery channel slanting down through a cavern. The water came to a metallic mesh and sank through it, leaving the four of them sitting on the mesh. Three lovely bare girls and Jumper, all being ogled by the ghost.

Jumper found this quite awkward, because every movement the girls made jiggled their flesh in assorted places. He couldn’t help reacting as they got to their feet and shook themselves dry.

“Oddest thing,” Eve remarked with a third of a smile. “I seem to have tuned out every detail of my companions below their faces. Does anyone have a problem with that?”

“No,” Olive said with another third of the smile. “In fact, I seem to have the same condition.”

“So do I,” Phanta said with the final third, completing the smile. Jumper realized that they were sparing him some of his embarrassment. “Thank you.” He got up, his concern fading. They really were nice girls. Of course he could have changed to spider form, but he hadn’t thought of it in time.

They followed the ghost on along the passage. But now metal hands reached out from the walls to take things. When there were no objects to take, the hands took liberties instead.

“Hey!” Olive protested as one groped for her bottom. She might have tuned out some detail visually, but this was actually touching. They drew back to consider. Button floated on through the passage, but he was not physical so the hands did not grab his parts. However, the rest of them had a problem.

Eve touched a hand. “This is steel,” she said. “It will try to steel anything that passes through this avenue. It won’t let anyone pass unless there’s something to steel.”

Jumper realized that this was similar to the way Wenda talked. The metal spelled it metal’s way.

“What about our dignity?” Phanta asked. “I can turn ghost and pass through, but I resent the need to.”

“And once that’s taken,” Olive said, “what about our return trip? We won’t even have our dignity for it to steal. Will we be able to pass?”

“I doubt it,” Eve said. “But I may have a way to balk it, because I understand it. I will steel myself against it.”

“How will that help?” Jumper asked.

“Cancellation of puns,” she explained. “It can’t steel from me as long as I am steeled. But I will have to remain here to maintain that condition, because the same device won’t work twice. The rest of you will have to go on without me.”

“I hope there’s someone left to deal with the Demon,” Jumper said.

“The Prophecy took us to Button,” she reminded him. “He is bound to take us to the Demon.”

Jumper hoped that was really the case.

Eve steeled herself valiantly, and the steel hands were quiescent. The remaining three of them made it on through the passage unscathed. But soon another obstacle appeared. This was an older man with a handlebar mustache. “Well, hello, people,” he said, evidently noting the bareness of the girls.

“Hello,” Jumper said, surprised. “We did not expect to meet anyone down here.”

“Readily explained,” the man said. “I am S R Shepherd, but just call me Shep. I was given a chance to come to Xanth, but am required to perform a ser vice first. So I am here, performing it. I must admit it has been a lonely vigil, until now.”

“I met a man named Shepherd,” Phanta said, “but I doubt you are related.” She frowned, evidently remembering how she had been fooled.

“I am Jumper,” Jumper said. “And these are Olive Hue and Phanta. We had to swim through a pond, so we left our clothing behind. We are on a mission.”

“Aren’t we all,” Shep agreed. “I was on a mission for many years in Mundania, as a letter carrier. It was a great way to meet people. I like people.”

Jumper found himself liking this man. “We must seem like an odd collection.”

“I love collections,” Shep said. “Coins, stamps, other things— I’m just a natural collector. May I inquire about your mission?”

“We have to see a Demon,” Jumper said.

Shep sighed. “I was afraid of that. You see, my assignment is to stop anyone from reaching that Demon. I don’t know what he’s done to deserve such imprisonment, if he deserves it at all, but if I don’t do my job I won’t be allowed to enter Xanth proper. So I can’t let you pass, much as I would like to let handsome folk like you three do anything you

wanted to.” His eyes passed over the bodies of the girls with a certain merry appreciation.

“But we have to see him,” Jumper said. “It’s important.”

“Please, return the way you came, or stay and chat; I’d love that. I don’t wish you any harm. But I can’t let you pass.”

“How do you propose to stop us from passing?” Olive asked.

“I was given a magic talent for the duration,” Shep said. “It is the ability to conjure a fragment of the Void. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“The Void,” Olive said, clearly awed. “That’s the region of Xanth from which nothing returns.”

“Yes,” Shep agreed. “And a fragment of it is like a small black hole. It sucks anything in, permanently. So please, I beg of you, don’t make me conjure it. Those things are dangerous.”

“Dangerous? Can’t you abolish them as well as conjure them?”

“Yes, but the first one I conjured got away from me and disappeared in the cavern system. I was inexperienced. I don’t want to risk that again.”

Olive shot a glance at Jumper and Phanta. She had something in mind. They both nodded, waiting to see what it was.

“You mentioned coin collecting,” Olive said. “My talent is conjuring imaginary friends. I believe I have one who collects coins. Would you like to meet him?”

“Certainly!”

An old man appeared, carry ing a heavy suitcase. “Hello. I am Coinroy,” he said. “I am rather proud of my collection.” He opened the suitcase, which turned out to be stuffed full of coins. Some fell on the ground.

Shep picked them up to return them to Coinray. But he paused, amazed, as he looked at them. “This is a Lydian gold coin— from the very dawn of the coin age!”

“I have been at it for a while,” Coinroy agreed.

“But this is fabulously rare and valuable! You shouldn’t carry it loose in a suitcase!”

“But sorting them all is so boring, I just never get around to it.”

“Let me help you sort them. If this is typical—”

“Gladly.” Coinroy poured out the suitcase on the floor. Coins of many sizes piled up, copper, silver, and gold.

“Ancient China!” Shep said. “And here’s one from Tuscany, circa 500 BC! I never saw one of those before!”

“I’m sure I have some duplicates,” Coinroy said. “You are welcome to them.”

Jumper and Phanta sidled on by. Shep was completely entranced by the coin collection. Olive had found a really effective distraction. She remained there, in case another friend should be needed. Now they were two: Jumper and Phanta. And Button Ghost, of course. They were following him down a widening passage. “I hope we don’t encounter any more impediments,” Jumper said.