Junk Miles (39 page)

But I felt it. My entire body went shaky.

Jake noticed, grabbed my hand in his, and led me outside where there was a quaint garden, some fountains, koi-filled manmade ponds, and the requisite twinkle-light-lit gazebo.

“
Are you alright?” He smoothed his hands over my arms.

I nodded and blinked back tears.

“
Really?” He cupped my chin and looked into my eyes.

“
It’s just skanky to think that you…had sex with her.” I said it, even though I knew it was going to tear through some of the night’s romance.

“
I wish I hadn’t,” he said adamantly. He took his hands off of my face and stuck them in his pockets. “I wish you hadn’t broken up with me.”

Maybe he wasn’t blaming me, but maybe he was. I wasn’t sure, and it didn’t really matter after all.

“
But it was different.” I felt like I should just stop talking about it, but I couldn’t.

“
I know.” His mouth was hard. “You didn’t have sex with Saxon.”

“
No.” I shook my head. “It’s different because I cared about Saxon. I wouldn’t have risked anything between you and me with someone I didn’t care about.”

“
You say that like what you did is better than what I did.” His eyes were a little angry.

“
I guess I think it is. I wouldn’t have done anything with Saxon unless I cared about him. I wouldn’t just jump into bed with someone I didn’t even have feelings for.”

Jake shook his head. “Do you hear what you’re saying, Bren? You cared about him. Probably care about him. Trust me, it’s easiest if I just don’t think about it too much. Sure, I had sex. And I regret it, I really do. But I can’t care about anyone else. Sex with someone you don’t care about is nothing. Literally less than nothing. But just having feelings for someone else, even if you never hold their hand, that’s something.”

It was what Saxon had told me. That even if we never acted on it, just feeling what we did was an act of cheating because I wasn’t being honest about my feelings with Jake.

Jake grabbed my hand and yanked me along the little stone path, over the bridge, up into the gazebo, away from the crowds and sat me down on one of the little benches. “What you did, it really broke my heart.” His voice was scratchy. “And I understand why you did it. And at that time, I wanted you to understand how bad you hurt me, so I hurt you the only way I could.” He ran a hand through his hair in a gesture of frustration. “I couldn’t connect with someone like you and Saxon connected. I slept with Nikki because I couldn’t open up to any other girl. I couldn’t force myself to feel anything about another girl like I feel about you. There’s only you, Brenna. I’ve been with so many girls and have never felt even a little bit of what I feel for you. So I’m sorry, but that’s the only way I had to show what I felt. I don’t expect you to completely understand.”

I did understand, as well as any virgin could. Because I had felt that lack of anything real when I had been physical with Saxon, but we hadn’t pushed it that far. We hadn’t actually had sex. Jake had. Again.

But he had been honest, and he had explained it to me the best way he knew how. So I tried to explain to him what I had done, the best way I could.

“
What I felt for Saxon,” I said, then stopped. “What I
feel
for Saxon is a kind of attraction, but it isn’t love, Jake. I love you. And I do care about him. He is someone who I feel connected to. But I couldn’t love him. Not even when I tried. It was always you. I never loved anyone the way I love you.”

He kissed me, and I could feel the relief like a sigh from his mouth. “I love you, Brenna.” He kissed me again. “And I’m glad we talked. But this is prom. It’s supposed to be fun. So, let’s go dance, alright?”

I followed him in because I wanted to repair the night and because he was excited and because I wanted to apologize and be apologized to. Those thoughts were all swirling around in my head, so I wasn’t thinking too much about Jake being excited to dance.

But he did dance, and I was shocked at how good he was at it. I always had a feeling he might be a little bit of a natural, but he’d said he was too nervous to try. Something in him was completely, adorably unleashed, and he danced really well.

I hadn’t danced like this since that night in Paris, and I thought for a minute about how odd it was that I was wearing the same silver heels again, this time to dance with Jake. But I didn’t think about it too much. We danced to the fast songs, Jake drawing a cheering crowd around us. He had to take off his coat and cuff up his shirtsleeves. I could feel the pins loosening from my hair and knew my professional makeup was probably a little runny, but we both kept dancing through the set, right until the first slow song. Jake didn’t miss a beat.

I was in his arms and he was dancing me around the room with ten times more style than the other awkwardly swaying couples.

“
Jake!” I cried. “Where did you learn to dance like that?”

“
Si tratta di un segreto,
” he said, pulling me in to kiss him.

“
Italian? Dancing? What’s going on? Are you trying to seduce me?” I asked, pulling away.

“
Si, il mio amore.”
He smiled. “I learned to dance from the only person I could ask, other than you.”

I shook my head, unable to fathom who he could have asked.

“
I asked Saxon, Bren.” He looked at me closely.

Jake always managed to shock me, but this was way beyond. I stopped cold on the dance floor, creating a sudden traffic jam, but I didn’t care.

“
What? Saxon? Why Saxon?” I felt nervous, though there was no real reason to feel that way.

“
Do you remember the day I tried on my suit?” He gathered me back into his arms and moved me out of the way of the oncoming dancers.

“
Yes,” I said, my voice soft. The day I wanted to tell him about his father. How could I forget it?

“
And you knew about my dad. I could see it on your face.”

I stopped again, and now the other couples were starting to mutter with annoyance. It was just bad dance-floor etiquette on my part. Jake led me out of the ballroom, to the now-full gardens where our classmates were in various stages of full on grinding and face sucking. Jake led me to a more secluded section.

“
I wanted to tell you,” I rushed. “I really did. But I didn’t think it was my right. It was Saxon who told me the whole thing. I didn’t know what to do about it, Jake. I’m so sorry.”

He took my hands in his and kissed my knuckles. “Don’t be sorry. I get it. I get all of it. The truth is, I’ve known for a long time.”

“
Why didn’t you say anything?” I was blown away. Totally and completely at a loss. He’d known? All along?

He shrugged. “How do you talk about something you’re not even supposed to know? Plus that, who do I talk to it about? Saxon can’t handle it. My real dad bailed, my mom is dead, and my step-dad probably already feels like he got dealt a pretty shitty hand, so why rub it in, you know?”

“
You could have told me,” I said, not really sure if I wanted to hear why he hadn’t told me.

“
I thought about it. But when I thought about your situation, I figured you’d be the last person who I could tell about it. Once I knew about your real dad, it helped me let go.”

“
Of what?” I moved closer to him on the little bench.

“
Of this idea I had that there was someone out there who really loved me. God, that sounds so fucking sappy. But my mom, whatever crap Saxon says, my mom loved me. She was just kind of irresponsible. And my step-dad stepped up, but he can’t love me, and I really don’t blame him. So I had this idea that my real father would give a shit about me. Which makes no sense, since he never even bothered to admit I existed.”

“
So you want to meet him?” I put an arm around his waist. He put his arm around my shoulder, and I leaned my head on his chest.

“
I did. Then I met you. And I realized that everyone gets dealt a hand, and mine has been parentally shitty. But I think that maybe my crappy family luck got balanced out, since I got you.” He kissed my forehead.

I don’t think anything anyone had ever said to me made me feel more loved in my entire life. “You think I’m what you got because your mom died?” I could feel the tears in my throat.

“
No. I mean, I don’t think she had to die for me to get you. That would be insane. I’m saying that being with you helps me see that I don’t need to have perfect parents. No one gets it all.” His fingers trailed up and down my shoulder and arm.

Then I thought about my great parents and Jake. And even Saxon. I felt a jarring sucker punch of guilt.

It was like Jake knew what I was thinking. “Even you, Bren. Your real dad left you high and dry. But he made room for Thorsten, right? And who could be a better dad than he is?”

“
That’s true.” I craned my neck to look at Jake.

“
And I want to tell you, about the other girls, but don’t get pissed, okay?” I nodded wordlessly, and he took a deep breath. “They didn’t mean anything because they were just holding a place until you were there. But I didn’t have much, as far as affection went. So a body to sleep next to and someone to hold for a little bit was a big deal for me.”

I realized how he must have gone virtually untouched. No mother to hug or hold or be near. A step-father who was at best only resigned to his unfair fate as provider. Jake had been completely alone and those girls had offered him some comfort the only way he could get it.

I put both my arms around him, trying to make up for all of his lost opportunities. “I’m here. I’ll be with you.”

“
I’m hoping you will.” He left a trail of kisses along my forehead.

“
When did you figure it all out?” I squeezed him tighter.

He laughed a little. “Saxon tried to tell me a couple of times when we were younger. Once he got out this huge ass hunting knife.” He pulled his hand out and splayed his fingers out wide, pointing to the skin between his thumb and index finger. There was a long silvery scar there. “He sliced our hands up and said we were blood brothers one night when we were just kids. His dad, our dad, I guess, had just left and he was kind of a basket case. Anyway, we fell asleep and I went through his wallet. The picture of the three of them was in there. I knew because my mom had a picture of him, too. She showed me it before she died. So I knew.”

“
Are you mad? Or upset?” I looked at his face, but, as usual, it was serene and happy.

“
No way. I’m lucky.” He pulled me up and kissed me hard.

“
Does Saxon know? That you know?” I whispered.

“
No. But it makes it all easier. For me to get a grasp on. I mean, he’s my brother, right? So I can hate him and love him at the same time.” He rubbed his hand on my back in soothing little circles.

“
I think he’d be happy if he knew you knew,” I said carefully.

Jake shrugged. “I’ll wait for him to tell me. Saxon’s got a lot of hang-ups. And now that you and I are back together, it’s gotta kill him a little.”

“
I don’t want to come between you and Saxon.” I sat up and looked Jake in the eye. “You’re brothers.”

He laughed, that soft, low sound that I loved. “Bren, blood or not, you’ve been the best family I’ve ever had.”

I felt a lump in my throat. “But I screwed up, big time.”

“
Well, I can’t really fault you.” He gave me an unreadable smile. “I mean, you have good taste. And these genes must be irresistible to you.”

I laughed a little. “Does it make it weirder for you? That Saxon’s your brother and he and I…”

“
I don’t love it,” Jake cut in. “But, it makes it easier for me to understand what the hell you saw in his loser ass.” He paused. “I’m guessing it’s whatever you see in my loser ass.”

And we both laughed, and I finally felt good, light, and happy. We went back inside and danced more and ate and when Jake nudged me out way before the last dance, I was happy to follow. He had one of my mixes in the CD player in his truck, and it wasn’t long before he found somewhere to park. I unbuckled my seatbelt and slid over to his side, kissing him excitedly.

“
You look really beautiful tonight,” he said between kisses. “Like Cinderella at the ball. No other girl looked half as pretty as you.”

“
You look very hot yourself.” My fingers pried at his already loosened tie. I pulled it over his head and worked his buttons free. I put my hands on the hot skin of his chest, then right over his beating heart. I laid my hair-sprayed, stiffly curled head over that pounding heart. The heart that I protected.

He kissed my sticky hair, moved lower and kissed my forehead, kissed my cheeks, my mouth, my neck. My big blue dress seemed to fill the entire interior of the cab.

“
I love this dress. I love that you wore something so pretty just to come out and dance with me.” He batted away some of the never-ending length of tulle.

“
I love you.” My voice was thick with the emotion I felt. I loved him so much, my heart bucked in my chest.

Jake laid me down on the long, narrow bench seat and kissed every inch of skin that wasn’t covered with shimmering blue fabric. Since that didn’t include much of the top half, Jake moved down to the bottom section and kissed my ankles, bound in the silver straps of my shoes. He kissed along my calves, smooth from my extra vigilant pre-prom shave. He kissed up to my knees, which were strangely ticklish, then his head moved up farther, and I couldn’t see anything but misty swaths of blue tulle. He pulled his lips off of my inner thigh and said, “Are you okay?”