Just a Little Crush (Crush #1) (19 page)

He curled himself around me, and my resolve faltered. It felt good to disappear into him. Just dissolve into his arms.

“And Brinley, nothing I said tonight was a lie. I know hearing those words made you angry, so I won’t say them again, but I meant what I said. My biggest regret is I didn’t say them sooner. I came so close that night at my mom’s house, but I was worried what you’d think, so instead I tried to show you, make you feel it, but that was chickenshit on my part. I should have just said it before all this happened. So you’d know. So you’d believe me now.” He tucked his face into my hair and took a deep breath. “I’d do anything to protect you, including walk away. So tonight we sleep, and tomorrow you can pretend you never met me.”

That was the right thing to do, so why did the thought make me feel like I’d been gutted? My lip quivered and I held my breath, terrified an ugly cry loomed. It’d be a nasty, snotty one too. I sniffled but held it together.

Ryder stiffened and forced me to roll toward him. “Don’t cry, Brinley.”

“I’m not.”

He rubbed his thumb on the corner of my eyelid, smearing dampness across my temple.

Dammit.

“Tell me what to do. Please. I can sleep on the couch. Or do you want your friends to come get you? I’ll call them. Just tell me what you need right now. Please don’t cry though.”

Tell him what I need? Where to start? I wanted to rewind time. “Dammit, Ryder, I want you to be the person I thought you were. I want my life fixed.” I shoved his chest. “I want to love you back.”

He winced as I sat up. He’d also flinched at the bar when someone touched his chest.

“Why did you do that?”

“Do what?”

I leaned forward and tugged the hem of his cotton T-shirt. He grabbed my wrist and halted me. With my gaze locked on his, I broke free and pushed his shirt to his shoulder. He looked away.

On his chest was a bandage.

“What’s this?”

He shrugged with an almost overdone level of casualness. “Got some new ink.”

“Can I see it?”

When he didn’t answer, I carefully peeled up the tape on one corner and exposed his tattoo. It looked fresh and slightly reddened around the outline, probably only a couple hours old.

He brushed my hand away while mumbling something about how he was supposed to have taken the bandage off, but had been too drunk to remember.

“You added another bird?” I asked.

He yanked his shirt back down. “Yeah.”

“Why?”

“I like pain, remember?” He smirked

I kept my gaze fixed on him in a silent plea for answers.

“It hurts less out here.”

The birds represented his pain? Oh my God. Pain escaping out of the rip in his chest. From his heart?

“Why the new bird?”

“You know why.”

“Because of this mess? Because it hurts to be involved in the whole website scandal?”

“No, Brinley, I don’t care about what could have happened with the paper. It hurts because I lost you.” He shook his head. “You want to know why I didn’t do the girlfriend thing? It’s simple. My heart was broken the day my dad walked out on my mom. I thought happiness didn’t exist. There was no such thing as forever. Then Mom met Jeff. For a brief moment, we were happy. He could never replace my dad but he put a smile on her face. He treated me like his own son. He brought our family back together. Then I caught him cheating, and every shred of hope I’d had disappeared. My heart broke for my mom. For the life she’d never have with him. That day, I gave up on relationships. Until you.

“I thought nothing could go wrong as long as I did things right. I’d never cheat on you. I’d never walk out on you either. I tried to not make mistakes, yet I still fucked it up.” He pressed his finger to his chest. “Pain I’ll wear forever here.”

He pulled me back down. “I’m beyond drunk right now. I seriously can’t keep my eyes open. Please lie with me.”

He curled around me again and I lay perfectly still, unable to accept the fact I was now nothing more than a painful memory tattooed onto Ryder’s chest.

Early the next morning, I slipped free of Ryder’s arms. He’d held me all night, never letting go, while I slept restlessly. The bed groaned as I sat on the edge and slipped my shoes on. I tiptoed to the door and glanced back. Ryder’s arm lay across the empty spot where I’d been. My gaze traced his hand splayed across the sheet, the lines of his forearm, the perfect contours of his biceps and finally his jaw, lips and eyes. They were open and he watched me in return.

The urge to launch myself into his bed, wrap his arms around me and be buried in all that was Ryder almost overtook me.

But I was a memory and he was my past.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and placed my hand on the knob. Ryder tore his gaze away and turned toward the wall. And like that we were no more.

The next week of school was the longest on record. Each day dragged. Nights brought no relief since I’d spent more time torturing myself with mental rehashing than actually sleeping.

I missed Ryder.

Mason arranged our spring break plans, which to my surprise involved Fallon’s friends Leena and Mel. He tried to get me excited about it and I was glad that I’d know someone other than him there. But it was hard enough to motivate myself out of bed every morning. Packing for a week at the beach held little appeal. Once I got there it’d be a nice break. I’d have fun. Or at least I’d try.

Friday, Fallon and I went bikini shopping. She’d convinced me shopping for my trip would somehow change my life. She seemed to think skimpy clothes were the answer to all the world’s problems.

Fallon craned her neck to get a good look in the dressing room mirror at the black bikini with tiny pink polka dots. “I kind of love this one. What do you think?” she asked.

“You look hot,” I offered then sipped my iced coffee.

“Wow. So enthusiastic.”

I had to get over my mood. I was awful company. Fallon was an awesome friend to put up with me. “I’m sorry. You really do look good. It’s flattering and the style suits you.”

“Thanks.” She sucked in her already flat stomach, exhaled and poked at her hip. Frowned, then glanced at me. “Look, you’ve had a week to mourn. Next week it ends. Understand? You’re going to have fun.”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Now go find yourself a super-sexy bikini while I try on the rest of these.” She made a shooing motion as she stepped back into her fitting room.

I wandered out and flipped through the rack. I found a navy bikini with white stitching that was pretty cute and searched for my size.

“Brinley, right?”

I looked up and found myself staring at Paige, who was even prettier up close. I was seriously glad she was Ryder’s sister because otherwise I’d be all sorts of jealous. I nodded and glanced around. Every time I’d seen her, she’d been with him. I couldn’t decide if I was relieved or saddened to find her alone this time.

“Hi, I’m Paige. Ryder’s sister.” She swapped the bikini she held into her left hand and stuck out her right.

I shook it then tucked my hair behind my ear. “Nice to meet you.”

Her top lip, which was slightly fuller than her bottom one, covered her teeth when she smiled. “I’ve been dying to meet the girl who has my brother all worked up.”

I frowned. Wasn’t that kind of the other way around? “I didn’t mean to get him worked up.” My cheeks heated and I stared at the ground. “Things got crazy. He screwed me. I mean, fucked me. Shit.” I rubbed my head and mumbled, “I swear he makes me crazy. I used to be able to have normal conversations with people. Now I ramble sexual innuendos to practical strangers.” I snapped my mouth shut to end my idiotic rant.

She laughed. “You’re a nice change from the girls who fawn all over him. I like you. And I can see why he does too. Which is why I want to tell you something. He’ll kill me if he knew I was telling you this, but come on, I ran into you here. How can that be a coincidence? It’s divine intervention.” She grinned, glanced around, then leaned forward. “Don’t get me wrong, the website was bullshit. Misogynistic crap, as far as I’m concerned, so I’m not defending his involvement, but I will say he went to some great extremes when it came to you. He went to our stepdad.”

“For what?”

“Legal help. He didn’t care about the article outing him. He cared about the implications on you. He wanted a way to force the paper not to run anything that might involve you. In the end, Jeff had me draft up papers and meet with the editors. Really, it was just a scare tactic, since my stepdad refused to take it further. He told me what to do and handed the case over, which was pretty scary since this was my first time flying solo but, hey, it worked. And thankfully the paper didn’t even call my bluff on that whole false-light claim.”

There was that term again. “What exactly is that?”

“It’s like defamation or libel, but instead of protecting your reputation from damage, it protects you from emotional or mental harm. And the statements don’t necessarily have to be false, just misleading. Of course it’s such a gray area with all this digital media.” She waved her hand as if dismissing the whole thing. “Between you and me, it’s not even recognized in Texas courts now. But we managed to get confidentiality agreements signed and threatened to sue if they ran anything that could harm you emotionally or mentally. Basically, I went in there not as Ryder’s attorney but yours.”

“Ryder did that? For me? But he can’t stand Jeff.”

“Exactly. He came to me first and told me the truth about Jeff and Mom. That asshole needed to pay, so I helped Ryder out. And I did a little snooping of my own. Turns out Mom’s prenup is void if he cheats.”

“He told your mom the truth, then?”

“No, he chose you.”

“What?”

“He told Jeff to help you or he’d tell Mom everything.”

“But it kills him to carry that secret around. I don’t understand. Why wouldn’t he tell your mom and get it off his chest?”

“I guess the pain of hurting you was harder to bear.” She shrugged.

“Oh God.” I shook my head. “I don’t want him to choose me over your family. This secret is destroying him. He shouldn’t have done that.”

“It was his decision.” She placed her hand on my shoulder. “And I don’t think it was a hard one for him to make.”

“But your mom. You probably hate me. I’m so sorry.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I don’t think she’d leave Jeff either way.” She sighed. “People make crazy choices in the name of love.” She smiled. “But, Brinley, I don’t think Ryder’s choice is crazy. My brother is one of the best guys I know. He maintains a cool exterior but inside he’s the complete opposite. I think he distances people because when he loves someone, he does so without caution. And sadly, the people he’s allowed in in the past have let him down. He swore to never be like them, but now he thinks he’s no better. He let you down and he can’t forgive himself. I’m not saying you have to be his friend again, but if you could forgive him, maybe he’d be able to forgive himself.”

“Can I ask you something, like girl to girl, not as his sister?”

“Sure.”

“Did he use me? Ever? He’s remorseful now, but at any point, when this first started, was I just points to him?”

“To be honest, I don’t know. But my gut says no. I was there the day he found out Noah put your picture on the website. I had to break them apart. Ryder wanted to kill him. If you’d been a conquest to him, why didn’t he post your info on that site himself?” Her phone chimed with a text and she glanced at the screen. “My brother doesn’t lie to me. We’ve always been close. I know he can be an ass with girls, but the way he talks about you is different. Honestly, Brinley, I think he loves you.”

Hearing that from someone other than drunken Ryder pulled at me. Did he really love me? Did I even want him to? It scared me, because when it came down to it, I felt the same way.

Paige’s phone beeped again and she said, “I have to go. My friend’s meeting me next door for lunch.” She grinned and lifted the swimsuit in her hand. “But I couldn’t resist Zoey’s spring break sale.” She pointed to the bikini in my hand. “Nice choice, by the way. That’s Ryder’s favorite color.”

I stared at the suit. Was it? He did wear this color a lot. No wonder I was drawn to it.

“Well, I’m glad we had a chance to talk. Hopefully I’ll see you around,” she said with a smile, then headed toward the counter to pay.

I stood there, trying to absorb everything I’d just discovered, then went to find Fallon, eager to tell her about my encounter with Paige.

If Ryder had done all this for me, I couldn’t really be mad at him anymore. But could we still be friends? Who was I kidding? I could never be Ryder’s friend. I was way too vested for friendship. I freaking loved the guy. Now the question was, should I tell him?

Saturday morning Mason and I packed the car and drove three hours to the beach. By the time we got there, he’d pulled the truth from me. I’d told him everything about Ryder, the legal actions, and I’d admitted my feelings. He’d stayed pretty quiet throughout.
Too quiet,
but he didn’t say anything negative either.

We pulled into the driveway of a beach house. Mason lugged my suitcase out of his trunk then lifted his own.

“We’re up there.” He pointed at the wooden home, which sat on stilts. It had two entrances. One that sat directly in front of us, the other at the top of a stairwell. “It’s two separate rental properties but we’ve rented the whole house. My friend Nate and his girlfriend are staying in one room upstairs. We’ve got the other. Leena and Mel are down here, along with Mel’s brother and one of his friends.”

From what he’d told me on the way here, he’d spent quite a bit of time with Leena since the night at the club. I suspected this trip had a lot to do with her being here and it was only a matter of time until he’d make his way downstairs. Poor Mel. Maybe she could room with me if Leena and Mason got a little too comfortable.

Mason tossed my suitcase onto the queen-size bed, and I plopped down next to it.

Nate leaned into our room, his hands pressed against the frame. “Just in time. Get your suits on. It’s time to party. Beer and barbeque out back.”

“Hope you didn’t plan on getting any rest while we’re here.” Mason laughed.

“My only goal for this trip involves a tan.” I pulled out my new bikini and tore off the tags. “Let me put this on real quick.” I slipped into the bathroom.

“I’m changing out here,” Mason called from the other side of the door. “We need to find some food. I’m starving.”

“Me too,” I shouted back as I undressed and slipped on my swimsuit. “You dressed?” I asked through the door.

“Yeah, you can come out.”

With my folded clothes in hand, I opened the door. Mason’s back faced me as I walked to my suitcase.

He turned. “Is that bikini new?”

“Yeah.” I pulled my hair into a ponytail.

His gaze lowered over my body. “Looks good.”

“Um, thanks.” I turned away. “Ready to go?”

He cleared his throat. “Yeah.”

I grabbed one of his baseball hats on the way out and pulled it on. “I’m borrowing this.”

He paused in front of me and adjusted the cap. A small smile appeared. He shook his head and sighed. “You’re pretty fucking adorable, you know that?”

“I don’t want to be adorable.”

“Trust me”—his gaze lowered, then he said—“it’s not a bad thing.”

We went downstairs and around to the back. The beach was a few hundred feet from a large cement deck with a table, barbeque pit and several chairs. Nate stood at the grill, with lighter fluid.

“Grab a beer,” he yelled. “And stand back.” He threw a match into the pit and flames shot up.

I glanced at Mason, who laughed. Boys and fire.

Mason reached into a cooler, grabbed two beers and handed me one. I glanced toward the beach. A group of people stood in a few feet of water and I could just make out Leena, thanks to her slim figure and significant height, walking toward us.

“Hi, Mason.” She gave him a quick hug. “I need to talk with Brinley. Be right back.” She grabbed my arm, slid open a glass patio door and dragged me inside the lower level of the beach house.

“What’s up?” I surveyed the living room, which was a slightly smaller version of ours, including the hideous plaid furniture.

“I swear I didn’t know.” She shook her head and shut the door. “I didn’t know until I got here.”

“Didn’t know what?” I tapped my can of beer with my fingernail, popped it open and took a sip.

“Ryder’s here.”

I spit beer all over her and coughed.

She wiped her arm.

“I’m sorry,” I choked. “You mean at the beach?”

“No, I mean here.” She pointed down. “Well, actually, there.” She pointed to the water. “He came with Mel’s brother. We didn’t put it together. Chris just kept saying he was bringing Briggs.”

“That’s Ryder’s last name.”

“God, I’m so sorry. I know you, like, hate him and stuff. Maybe you two can just avoid each other.”

“It’s okay,” I said, as my stomach bubbled with nervousness tinged with a hint of excitement. I didn’t hate him anymore but, of course, he didn’t know that. “Has anyone told him I’m here?”

“I don’t think so. He just knows Nate rented the top floor with some friends. Mel and I haven’t said anything.”

“Well, I guess this will be interesting.” There was no way to avoid him, not that I wanted to, but was I really ready to talk to him? What would I say? What if he was mad at me? This could go only one of two ways. Because if it went bad, how would I manage the rest of the trip? The embarrassment and awkwardness would ruin the week for me. I pressed my hand to my stomach.

“You okay?” Leena’s eyebrows pushed together as she studied me.

I inhaled then released a big cleansing breath, and nodded. “Let’s do this.”

Leena placed her hand on my arm. “If it gets to be too much right now just let me know and we can go hang out upstairs. I’m sure we can avoid him, or at least try,” she offered.

“That would be really hard, and I wouldn’t ask that of you. Seriously, it’s fine. Let’s see how it goes tonight. Maybe it won’t be that bad.” My pep talk helped calm my nerves. “C’mon.” I motioned to the door and Leena followed me out.

“Everything okay?” Mason asked.

I leaned toward him and whispered, “Ryder’s here.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“No.”

With a shake of his head, he rolled his eyes. “Of course he is. Why wouldn’t he be?”

“It’s okay though. I think everything will be fine.”

He sighed. “You sure?”

“Yeah,” Leena offered. “We’ve got her back. Everyone will have fun.”

Mason glanced between us and shrugged. “If you say so.”

“Want to get this over with and go down to the water?” Leena asked.

“Might as well,” I said.

Mason didn’t answer.

“Oh, come on.” Leena tugged his hand. “She’s going to be fine. Get that pouty look off your face.” She shook her hips. “It’s party time.”