Just a Little Crush (Crush #1) (14 page)

My stomach twisted. I knew it was the alcohol talking, though I always suspected they were her true feelings. The things she barely managed to keep hidden sober. The hurtful, hateful truth.

We pulled into Grandma’s driveway. The home I’d grown up in, and the one Mom still lived in. I stepped out of the car feeling emotionally drained. Between her drunken rant and my grandma’s condition, my insides felt battered and bruised.

I helped Mom from the passenger side as Ryder pulled in behind me. I wanted to get her in as quick as possible, embarrassed for him to see how fucked-up my family life was. When he approached, I handed him the house key. “Can you unlock the door?”

“Sure.”

He held it open as Mom stumbled through.

“Let go,” she hissed, wriggling free of me. “I don’t need you. I don’t want your help. You’re not better than me,” she yelled.

I stepped back with my hands raised. “I’m just trying to help. I’m sorry.”

Ryder glanced at me, his face twisted into some unreadable expression.

Mom banged her hip into a small table and screamed jumbled profanities. A vase teetered then settled back on its base.

“Let’s go.” Ryder reached for my hand.

“I have to make sure she gets to bed.”

“No, you don’t.” He kept his voice low. “She’s an adult and you don’t have to help her. She doesn’t want it and she sure as hell doesn’t deserve it.”

Mom made her way down the hall toward her room. She threw open the bedroom door; it slammed into the wall and bounced back, barely missing her as she staggered past. Something crashed onto the ground. Hopefully not her.

“It will just take a minute to get her into bed. You can leave if you want. I have her car to get back to the hospital in the morning.”

“I’m not leaving you here.” He crossed his arms. “Just help her and then we’ll go. You don’t need to stay here with her like this.”

I shook my head but before I could go after her, she reappeared wearing only her T-shirt and panties.

“Mom,” I blurted. “Go back to your room.”

Ryder scrubbed his hand over his eyes and turned away.

“Where is he?” she asked.

“Let’s get you to bed.” I attempted to keep my tone level and calm in order to avoid an argument.

“You’re sneaking around with him.” Mom slurred and stumbled into the wall. “That’s why you want me in bed. You think you can hide it? Where is he? Huh? Where’s Mike?”

My shoulders sank. We were going down this road again. “Mike’s not here, Mom. He hasn’t been in a long time.”

“You lying whore,” she screamed.

Ryder’s entire body went rigid. “Brinley, we are leaving. Now.” He grabbed my hand and led me to the door.

I yanked free. “I can’t just go.”

“I get that she’s your mom, and you love her, but I can’t stand around and listen to her talk to you like this.”

“Then don’t. You can leave.”

Mom fell to the floor in a heap. “Brinley!” She buried her head in her hands and sobbed. “Why? Why did you do it? Huh? He loved me.
Loved
me. Until you. You seduced him. He’d never hurt me like that.”

My lower lip quivered. “I didn’t do anything. That’s not what happened, Mom. You know that’s not what happened.”

“You’re a lying whore,” she screamed again.

“Fuck.” Ryder slammed his hand against the door. “This is bullshit. I’m throwing her ass in bed and we are out of here. End of discussion.”

He stormed to where Mom had collapsed and scooped her up with ease.

I snapped out of my state of shock and rushed into her room. I yanked the blanket back and stepped out of his way. He set her down more gently than I’d expected.

He turned her onto her side then grabbed my hand, marched into the kitchen, dropped the car keys into the first drawer he opened and pulled me through the front door. He locked it from the inside then slammed it shut.

“Get in.” He held the passenger door open and I slid inside.

Once in the driver’s seat he turned on the car, pulled onto the street and took off away from the craziness that was my life.

My eyes clouded with tears of embarrassment but I forced them away and refused to blink. I could bury Mom’s hateful words along with the countless others, but I couldn’t undo what Ryder had witnessed.

Fifteen minutes later, we pulled into the driveway of a large house.

“This is my house,” he said. “My mom and stepdad are out of town for the weekend. So we’ll have the place to ourselves.”

“Oh.”

“I don’t mean like that. Noah’s at my place and your roommate is at yours. I just want you with me tonight, but if you want to go back to the dorms, I can take you.”

“No, this is fine.”

He glanced at me, a mixture of sympathy and pity crossing his face.

My stomach dropped like I’d been kicked in the gut. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I wish you hadn’t seen that.”

He slammed his hand on the steering wheel. “No. You don’t apologize. You are not the one who should be sorry. I had no idea, Brinley. No idea how bad it was. You—you are so fucking perfect and how you managed to be the person you are with that…that person as your mother. You’re fucking amazing.” He reached over and cupped my cheek. “You should never be sorry for who she is. What I saw tonight doesn’t change who you are. It only makes me…” He looked away and his words trailed off. “Just don’t be sorry. Don’t ever apologize for her.”

He turned back to me, and I shook my head as he stared into my eyes.

He brushed his thumb over my cheek. “Let’s go inside.”

He unlocked the front door and reached for my hand. “My room’s upstairs. Stay close. I don’t want to turn a bunch of lights on. The neighbors are nosy.” He walked me to the second floor and into his room. He flipped on a small lamp. “This is my old room.”

His full-size bed was covered with a navy blue comforter. A desk was pushed against one wall, a dresser on the opposite.

“Bathroom’s in there.” He pointed at a door to my right. “Not to be confused with the closet.” He pointed to the door on my left and grinned. “You’d be surprised how easy that is when you’ve been drinking.”

I smiled. “Bathroom. Closet. Got it.”

“You hungry?”

“Not really.” My stomach was still upset over the day’s events. I wandered over to the desk and glanced at the pictures. Most were from high school and I recognized the people in them. They were all a grade older than me and had been the “cool” kids. Seeing those photos served as a reminder. When it came to Ryder, I was out of my league.

“I hated high school,” he said.

I spun to him. “What? Why would you hate it?”

He shrugged. “My parents divorced at the beginning of sophomore year. I was expected to be this outgoing guy who always wanted to party and hang out with friends when all I really wanted to do was be alone. Nobody understood. Life was perfect for me, right? I had nothing to complain about.” He shook his head. “I was happy to finally go to college and stop pretending to be the person everyone thought I was.”

“Is that when you got your tattoos and pierced your lip?”

Just the mention of his lip caused him to grin. He sucked it into his mouth and I tried hard not to stare.

“Yeah, didn’t fit my perfect image. But you and I both know, I’m far from perfect.”

He looked pretty freaking perfect to me. Tattoos and all.

He cocked his head to the side and studied me. “What are you thinking?” he asked.

“Nothing.” I looked away.

He grinned then plopped onto the bed, grabbed the remote and aimed it at the TV mounted to the wall. “Come watch a movie with me.” He patted a spot on the bed, near the wall.

I kicked off my shoes and climbed over him, but he captured my hips and stopped me. He brushed my hair back and said, “I’m not going to lie. That was an excuse to get you into my bed.” He flipped the TV off.

“You didn’t need one.” I smiled, leaned forward and kissed him, my tongue finding its favorite spot—the cool metal against his warm mouth.

He pushed his fingers into my hair and tilted his head, better matching our mouths. He licked my top lip, then slipped his tongue over mine. Our tongues twirled as his hands slid down my back and along my thighs. He flipped to his side and laid me on the bed.

Angled over me, he ran kisses down my jaw and across my neck. “I’m sorry I flipped out earlier,” he said. “I shouldn’t have dragged you away from your mom like that.”

“Don’t worry about it.” I ran my thumb over his bottom lip as he stared into my eyes.

“I couldn’t stand the way she talked to you, but still, that doesn’t make it okay. I should have let you choose to leave on your own. If you want me to take you back, I will.”

“I don’t want to go back.” My eyes welled with tears and I looked away. Dammit. Now wasn’t the time to cry, but the embarrassment combined with Grandma’s condition was a lot to bear. “I just really wish you hadn’t heard that.”

“I already told you it doesn’t matter.”

I kept my gaze on the wall.

“Hey, look at me.” With his finger, he guided my face toward his. “Honestly, Brinley.” He studied me a second. “Does she always say those kinds of things to you?”

“Only when she’s really drunk.”

“But she’s an alcoholic. Isn’t she always drunk?”

“Yeah.” Tears flowed down my cheeks and I really wanted to change the subject.

“I’m so, so sorry.” He brushed the tears away with his thumb. “It’s the alcohol talking. You know she doesn’t really mean that stuff.”

“I think she does.” I sniffled.

“Did that man ever touch you? Truthfully.”

“No. He made some lewd remarks and…and one time he cornered me in the kitchen, but Grandma walked in. He didn’t know she was home. That was the last day he was allowed in our house.”

Ryder clenched his jaw.

“Nothing ever happened though. Honest.” I despised the way Ryder looked at me. I didn’t want to be some charity case. I’d gone out of my way to keep my family life private.

“I hate the thought of someone hurting you.”

“Then don’t think about it.” I pulled him to me in a kiss. He pressed his lips to mine and I tried hard to concentrate on him and not the horrible things my mother had said, or my grandma so frail and sick in the hospital bed, or Mike towering over me, his hand snaking toward my thighs. I wanted the thoughts forced out of my mind. I needed to forget.

“Ryder.” My throat was thick with anguish, and my words were strained as I summoned the courage to finally ask, “Have sex with me?”

Ryder froze. “We can’t—”

“You promised. You can’t say no.”

He looked pained as he stared down at me. “Not like this, Brinley.”

I shook my head. “You said you wouldn’t say no. You said I just had to ask. Well, I’m asking.”

“This isn’t what I…”

I blinked slow and hard. Rejected. Again.

I shook my head. “Just admit it. You don’t want me like that. It’s always been an excuse.” With my hands on his shoulders, I shoved him off, jumped out of bed and turned away. “Take me home.”

“Look at me.”

I stared at the wall.

“Please,” he whispered.

Tears streamed down my face. If I’d thought I couldn’t be more embarrassed tonight, I’d been wrong.

His arms encircled me and he turned me around. “This isn’t what you really want tonight.”

I crossed my arms. “Well, there won’t be another night. I won’t ask again.”

He smiled and tilted my head up. “You don’t have to. I said ask me sober. You just did.”

“Yeah, well, you also said you wouldn’t say no.”

“And I’m not saying no. I’m saying not tonight. But I can assure you, I fully intend to take you up on that. Just not now, not when you’re crying. Not when you’re sad. Because when we are finally together, it won’t be like this. Understand?”

I plopped back onto his bed. “You really know how to make a girl feel desirable,” I grumbled.

“I—That’s not—” He shifted his weight. “Goddammit.” With his finger he tilted my chin up and covered my mouth with his. He thrust his tongue between my lips and tangled it with mine.

The bed bounced as he gripped my waist and tossed me back. His knee pressed into the mattress as he scooted over me. His mouth continued its onslaught as he devoured me with kisses.

“I’ve never wanted a girl like I’ve wanted you,” he whispered, then moved his lips down my neck. “But you don’t understand what that means.”

“Then tell me.” I cupped his cheek and forced him to make eye contact.

“I want
you.
In my life. All the time.”

My heart stuttered as I stared into his eyes.

“I’ve never tried to do things right.” His brushed his lips over mine. “You know, it’s a hell of a lot easier to not screw up when you aren’t trying.” He tucked my hair behind my ear. “But I’m scared to make a mistake with you. I think I’m doing the right thing but then you get upset. Just tell me, Brinley. Tell me what to do, and I will.”

“You know what I want.”

He shifted his gaze and sucked his lip ring into his mouth. When he turned back, a fine line formed between his brows. “Have you really thought about this? Once we do this…you’ll never get that moment back. I—I’m not sure it should be me.”

It wasn’t until then that it occurred to me that taking someone’s virginity might be more a burden than a blessing. Which ultimately made me feel shitty to push it on him.

“Shit.” I shook my head. “I’m sorry. Please don’t feel like you have to do this. Honestly. I’m not offended. I feel like such an idiot to make it all about me. You shouldn’t have to bear the burden of being my first.”

“Wait. No. That’s not what I mean. I meant it shouldn’t be me because I don’t deserve this. There’s nothing that makes me special. You should never look back and think you should have waited for the right person.”

My chest tightened around my swelling heart. “As far as I’m concerned, you’ve just confirmed how very right you are.” I pushed my fingers into his hair and pulled his mouth to mine. My other hand slid under his shirt as I ran my fingers over the ridges of his abs, making my way to the tattoo on his chest. His lips moved along mine with a gentleness that didn’t fit the image Ryder broadcast. But the more time I spent with him, the more I realized somewhere inside him remained that sixteen-year-old boy who, in seven minutes, managed to etch a lifelong memory onto my heart.

Ryder pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it aside. “It’s never too late to change your mind, okay?”

I nodded. “Same goes for you.”

The corner of his mouth quirked up. “Mine’s been made.” He kissed my forehead, my cheek, then my lips.

Grabbing the hem of my shirt, I pulled it off. “Mine too.”

He gazed down my body then placed a kiss between my breasts. His eyes flicked up and he grinned. “Your heart is racing.”

I smiled back. “It kind of always does that around you.”

He placed my hand on his chest; his heart beat rapidly against it. He raised my hand and pressed his lips into the center of my palm, then slid his fingers between mine and rested our joined hands on the mattress.

He shifted his body, aligning it next to mine, and unbuttoned my jeans. He paused and glanced into my eyes. When I made no move, he glided the zipper down and tugged my pants over my hips. I raised up slightly and kicked them off. With his fingertip he traced a line along the top of my panties before kissing my belly button, which triggered a giggle.

He smiled at me then ran his fingers up my stomach to the front closure of my bra. He pressed his finger against the clasp and paused. “You’re like a present too perfect to unwrap.”

Lying there practically naked, while he studied me, made me self-conscious. I needed to level the playing field. I reached down and unbuttoned his pants, my fingers trailing over his abdomen. His breath hitched and muscles flexed as he flinched. I flipped onto my side and tugged the zipper of his jeans then worked them down.

“You really aren’t making this easy,” I said.

He chuckled, stood next to the bed and let them drop. My gaze followed them to the ground then slowly came back up, settling on his black boxer-briefs and tracing the muscular V, which opened up to washboard abs.

Holy hell, he was perfect.

“Come here.” He motioned me over with a tilt of his chin.

I scooted to the edge of the bed and, propped on my knees, was almost at eye level with him. He cupped my face and kissed me. “Changed your mind yet?”

I shook my head.

“Good, because after the way you just looked at me, I really wasn’t sure I’d be able to stop.”

He slipped his hand around my ponytail holder and freed my hair. It tumbled over my shoulders and he ran his fingers through it. The strands tickled my bare skin, causing it to prickle. He brushed his thumbs along my collarbone, then circled one hand inward, dipping between my breasts.

I steadied my breathing, embarrassed by how erratic it had become. A mixture of nerves and excitement.

With his thumb and forefinger, he unclasped my bra. As if I really were the perfect present, he seemed to savor the moment. His hands moved in opposite directions as he slid it over my shoulders. It dropped to my wrists, then slipped onto the bed. Ryder’s all-consuming gaze heated my skin.

My face warmed and I fought the urge to cover myself.

“I definitely don’t deserve this.” He lowered his mouth to the curve of my breast.

My body turned into putty. My back arched as his hand cupped my other breast. He ran his tongue in a slow circle, mimicking the movement of his fingers. I draped my arms over his shoulders, wanting to remain pressed against him, but fighting the urge to collapse under his heated kisses.

His other hand slipped into my panties. Anticipation trapped the air in my lungs, but as his finger slipped inside me, I released my breath with a moan, followed by a whimper as he pulled it back out.

“So fucking hot.” His hands glided down my thighs and hooked behind my knees as he pulled my legs from under me.

I fell from my kneeling position onto my butt as he repositioned me on the very edge of his bed. With his fingers looped around each side of my panties, he yanked them off, sank to his knees and pressed his mouth between my thighs.

I clenched the blanket in my hands. “Oh my God.”

His tongue was hot as it moved over me, and my body bucked reflexively against his mouth. My toes curled and white light flashed behind my eyelids. If he kept this up there was no way I’d make it long. Maybe that was his plan. Maybe he was still avoiding sex.

He slipped his finger inside and my hips arched. The sensations were so intense I knew exactly where I was headed. And this orgasm would be even more mind-blowing than the first.

“Ryder,” I moaned while gripping the sheet to avoid grabbing his hair. My lungs couldn’t pull air in fast enough to keep up with the pumping of my heart. “You have to stop.”

His mouth and hands drifted away from my body and I took several even breaths, trying to squelch the fire in the pit of my stomach. I didn’t know what to expect from my first time, but at the rate we were going, he could just brush his hand over my body and I’d be screaming his name.

There was rustling and I realized Ryder had reached into his nightstand for something. He stood and tore a condom wrapper open with his teeth.

I propped myself onto my elbows as he lowered his boxers and rolled the condom on.

This was it. No turning back. But looking at him, standing there all perfect—inside and out—I didn’t want to.

He scooted me back and placed a pillow under my head. “Still sure?”

I nodded.

“Thank God.” With one elbow pressed into the mattress by my head, he settled over me. His hips rested between my thighs.

I tried to relax my body as he ran his thumb along my cheek then brushed his lips over mine.

He glanced down between our bodies, aligning himself into position. I held my breath and his gaze flicked back up. He studied my expression.

I exhaled and attempted to calm my nerves, which didn’t stem from my decision but from the enormity of the moment. It was a really big deal, in a good way, but he seemed to think I was having second thoughts. Before he could question me, I nodded.

The corner of his mouth lifted with a small smile. Gaze locked on mine, he shifted back into position and began easing himself in. My eyelids fluttered closed. It burned but not in a bad way. Once partially in he paused. “I’m terrified to hurt you,” he whispered.

“You aren’t hurting me. Far from it,” I assured him. I held my breath, awaiting some kind of inevitable pain that never came. As he filled me, my body conformed to him.

“You okay?”

“Mm-hmm.” I rocked my hips against him. “Please quit stopping though.”

He chuckled, and teased my body by pulling almost completely out then inched his way back in. The burning subsided as he slid deeper into me. My body welcomed the sensation, the stretching more pleasurable than painful. In fact, it didn’t hurt at all. I wasn’t sure why people made it sound so awful.

He rocked in and out again, this time in quicker succession.

With my arms around his back, I elevated my hips.

He groaned. “Shit, Brinley.” His body stiffened and he stilled. He took a deep breath then glided back into me. He rolled onto his back, pulling me with him, never breaking our connection.

With his hands on my hips as I straddled him, he guided my movements, raising and lowering me. But his careful movements prevented me from feeling the fullness I craved.

I leaned forward, finding my own rhythm.

He moved one hand to my breast and his other hand gripped my thigh. He brushed his thumb between my legs and I moaned. He repeated the action, adding a slow circle.

The heightened sensation caused a tingle to burn in the pit of my stomach. I sat upright and lowered myself completely down onto Ryder.

His eyes closed and he groaned. With a deep breath, he pushed into a sitting position, pressing his palms into the bed.

I draped my arms over his shoulders and rocked my hips back and forth. Gazes locked, he gripped my ass and pulled forward in time with my body.

“You feel so fucking good,” he said.

I pressed my mouth to his and gasped at the friction our bodies created. Heat spread from my core into my fingers and toes. My head fell back as I panted. My stomach coiled and my sensations went into overdrive. The feel of his hand on my ass, the fullness of him inside me, my tender flesh rubbing against his abdomen, his lips pressing into my neck. And then every part of me tightened into an unbearable knot and exploded. Pleasure rolled through me. My body clenched around Ryder. He bucked up and gripped my hips, forcing me down onto him. I contracted around him as he pulsed within me. I held my breath, loving the high of the ride.

Ryder collapsed and I fell with him. I lay pressed against his chest and tried to catch my breath.

He brushed my hair back and kissed my forehead. “I was really worried I wouldn’t live up to whatever expectations you had about your first time, but never imagined you would exceed mine. Considering how long I’ve been wanting to do that, they were pretty fucking high to begin with.”