Just Breathe Trilogy Box Set (114 page)

I chuckle thinking the exact opposite.

“I think we need to explore the option of building a faster jet,” he admonishes. “I think David and Daniel would be up for designing their own line.”

“That sounds great,” I praise.

“You sure everything is okay, beautiful?” Joe checks.

“Yeah,” I lie. “They just really relaxed me. I should be able to sleep tonight.”

“Did you have trouble sleeping?”

“Just the past few nights,” I admit.

“I sleep better with you next to me too,” he comments sweetly. “What made you choose the spa you’re at tonight?”

“I haven’t been for a while,” I say truthfully. “I didn’t think about it being a women only week before I booked it. I’m sorry.”

Another lie to add to the list.

“It would have been nice to join you, but I’m glad you went somewhere you really wanted to go,” he returns.

“Me too,” I say with half truth.

Part of me needs him, wants him here — the other part is completely terrified. He would know something is definitely up by looking at me. I need to get a handle on myself before I can face him. I’m so confused and scared right now, it’s not even funny. Part of me wishes I had the courage to call Maggie — she would understand — but, I can’t. Jared could calm me too, but I can’t talk to him about this — he wouldn’t understand. The person I need the most right now is Joe, but I feel like he’s also the one person I need to distance myself from the most.

“Emma?” Joe calls.

“Yeah, sorry,” I answer.

“It’s okay, beautiful,” Joe says. “Sadie’s missing you.”

His statement gets me to smile.

“Tell Anna
thank you
for me,” I request. “And, thank you for having her too.”

“Of course, baby,” Joe affirms.

I stop breathing for a moment at his use of calling me
baby
. He usually only calls me
beautiful
, but of late, he’s been mixing it up on occasion since he coerced me into using pet names for him.

“So, tell me how your meetings went,” I request.

“I already told you everything,” he laughs. “I don’t want to bore you with it a second time.”

“I wouldn’t mind hearing about them all in a row,” I admit truthfully, wanting to keep my attention on a completely different topic. “Maybe hearing it again will spark an idea or suggestions.”

“You sure?” Joe checks.

“Yeah,” I confirm. “I miss you and just want to keep hearing your voice.” I choke back tears at the thought that we’re so close, but yet so far away.

“Okay,” he confirms.

I intently listen to each and every word he says. Only on a few occasions do I ask a question to make sure I understand or to find out more details. Other than that, I let him speak freely. There are two different times where I make suggestions. My heart settles as he speaks, getting more excited about certain aspects of the conversation. He’s so passionate and his confidence has grown considerably.

We continue talking well past my food arrives and end up watching a movie together, streaming it at the same time on our computers.

“Emma?” Joe asks.

“Hmm,” my voice hums.

“I’ll let you go, beautiful,” he suggests. “Get some sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Okay,” I reply with a yawn.

“I love you,” he says.

My heart breaks, wondering if he will still feel the same way when I eventually tell him about — our predicament.

“I miss you,” he adds.

“I miss you,” I say softly, not wanting to reveal that I’m getting emotional.

“Goodnight, beautiful,” he bids.

“Goodnight, babe,” I mumble.

The next morning, I text Joe when I wake, knowing that texts are much easier for me to hide behind. I inform him of the last treatment I have to finish up and that I’ll be stopping by Jared’s and Nathan’s before heading back to Pasadena.

When I leave the spa just after an early lunch, I text Maggie to check in on her. She calls back and we chat for a bit. She’s surprised that I didn’t call her to tag along to the spa, but when I explained about being tired and Kim suggesting I get some quiet and relaxation time in, she understands. She’s happy to hear that I’m stopping by to visit Jared, Nathan and Pop-Pop and asks for a report on how the new designs are looking as well as give them some love.

About an hour after getting to Santa Monica, I change into some workout clothes and put on Nathan’s sparring gloves, setting my sights on the punching bag on his balcony. I put my phone into my armband, stuff my earphones in and blare some aggressive rock music — mostly Nico Vega, Muse, Marilyn Manson, Blonde, Queen and anything else with a bit of angst and rage.

Time passes and my body becomes drenched in sweat. I suddenly feel a tap on my shoulder and my knee-jerk reaction is to swing. Thankfully, Jared is trained and prepared, ducking with plenty of time to miss my jab.

“Sorry,” I shout over the music.

“Everything okay,
Kitten
?” Jared asks once I get my headphones out. His eyes follow the earbuds, clearly hearing a fragment of the music streaming from them.

“Yeah. Why?” I ask, taking a huge swig of water from the glass he brought me.

“You’re grunting,” Jared mentions.

I don’t respond.

“You only grunt when you’re really getting into it which means that something’s bothering you,” he adds.

“I’m fine,” I say, taking another gulp of water.

“Did you and Joe have a fight?” he poses.

“What? No,” I confirm. “Why?”

“I know you haven’t seen him since he’s been back,” Jared presents, just laying it on the table.

“I saw Kim the other day,” I comment.

“Is everything okay?” Jared asks with worry.

“Yeah,” I confirm. “She said that I just need to let myself relax, so I did.”

“And, beating the shit out of this bag is relaxing?” Jared questions with speculation in his voice.

“Actually, yes,” I affirm.

“Okay,
Kitten
,” Jared replies. “Dinner will be ready in an hour.”

“Okay,” I answer.

“I’ll let you be and give you a fifteen-minute warning,” Jared says. “Do you need anything?”

“Maybe some fruit or something,” I mention.

Jared kisses the side of my head and goes back into the condo. I resume my mission to beat all of the tension out of my body, hoping that I can cope with what lies ahead.

Sometime later, a wet object on my calf snaps me from my pursuit. Looking down, I find Sadie. As I rip off the boxing gloves and pet her, I peer through the sliding glass doors to see how she got here. Two seconds later, Joe is a few feet away from the door and headed right for me. I turn off the music and grab the hand towel I have to wipe off some of my sweat.

“Hey, beautiful,” Joe greets with a slightly concerned look on his face.

I do my best to be nothing but happy to see him. “Hi, ba - honey. What are you doing here?”

Joe plants his lips on mine. “I’ve missed you and couldn’t wait to see you any longer.”

I return the kiss tentatively.

“I thought you were supposed to relax,” he comments looking at the punching bag and then back to me.

“It is relaxing,” I admit.

“Are you done?” Joe asks.

My stomach grumbles. “Yeah,” I sigh. I should stop.”

We move inside and I notice that Pop-Pop and Joanna are present as well. I say hello and then excuse myself to rinse off. As I start to wade in the water of the shower, finally feeling fatigued, good fatigued, I feel two arms wrap around me.

“What are you doing?” I ask, turning to look at Joe.

Joe doesn’t say anything. He pulls me to him, holding my hip and the back of my neck and leans to kiss me. I return the kiss, happy to feel him — I’ve been missing this, missing him. He shifts us, positioning me between him and the tile wall.

“Joe,” I say, pulling away from him. “They’re out there.”

“Relax,” he coaxes, kissing me again. “We’re not having sex. I just missed you and need to hold you.”

I suck in some air, bracing myself for the onslaught of tears that are forcing their way past my eyes. My head turns, wanting to hide my emotions.

“What’s wrong, beautiful?”

“Nothing,” I lie. My eyes shut to stop the water from leaking. “I just . . . missed you, that’s all.”

At least that wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the whole truth either.

Joe leans his forehead against mine as his fingers brush my cheeks. “I missed you too, beautiful.”

My heart aches, wanting to tell him, but I can’t. Fear of the truth being known — fear of him wanting nothing to do with me or the baby. I just can’t take that chance right now.

As if he knows how desperately I need his affections, Joe guides me back under the water. He washes my entire body from head to toe, not letting me do a thing. Joe kisses me sweetly on my cheeks, shoulder or lips as his hands continue with their task until I’m spotless.

When we join our friends, my mood changes as the fatigue sets in. Joe keeps me close, holding me, rocking me, soothing me. We eat and about an hour after dinner, Joe, Sadie and I go back to Pasadena. We elect to stay at his home and sleep over takes me before we arrive.

As Joe and I finish up breakfast in his kitchen, Anna reminds Joe that she’ll be gone for a few hours to run some errands.

“Do you mind if I tag along for a little?” I ask.

Joe and Anna look at me oddly.

“I need to get somethings, so we might as well both go,” I say.

“That’s fine, Ms. Emma,” Anna confirms with a smile. “It’d be nice to have company.”

“Great, thanks,” I return.

Joe looks at me funny.

“What?” I ask.

“Since when do you want to go shopping with Anna,” Joe questions.

“None of your business,” I reply. “Besides, I’m always up for shopping.”

This is an opportunity for me to get Joe to think one thing and for me to avoid telling him anything without appearing too obvious. I know I’m avoiding, but I’m afraid to tell him. I know that Kim told me that I’m pregnant, and it’s not that I don’t believe her. It’s just that I need to see it for myself.

“Emma?” Joe calls.

Since Joe takes the bait with my playful side, this makes it much easier for me to lie while making him think that I’m planning something for him.

“What?” I feign, waving my hand in the air. I look to Anna who smirks in response — she knows she’ll find out when I go with her.

“Beautiful?” Joe searches.

“It’s nothing,” I challenge. “Maybe I want to plan something.”

“Plan something?” Joe chuckles.

“We are going away in a few days,” I remind.

“With all of our friends and my brother,” Joe states.

“What about me?” Jimmy asks, walking into the kitchen with Allen.

“Don’t know,” Joe answers. “Emma’s up to something.”

“So, let her,” Jimmy suggests. “And, don’t ask questions.”

“Yeah,” Allen supports. “Maybe she’s planning something romantic for you.”

“Or, kinky,” Jimmy adds.

Anna laughs under her breath.

Joe grins, takes my hand and kisses the back of it. “Plan away, beautiful.”

“Thanks,” I say, trying to be bashful and hide my trepidation.

Twenty minutes later, Anna and I are in the car with Taylor, Dylan and Sadie. I find out where she needs to go and tag along, waiting until I get the gumption to do what I need to do.

Two hours into our excursion, Anna inquires as we get back into the car, “What’s the plan, Ms. Emma?”

“Huh?” I reply, caught off guard by her question.

“The thing you were planning for Mr. Joseph. I figured you needed my help, but I can’t help unless you tell me,” she informs.

“Where to, Emma?” Dylan poses, getting behind the driver seat.

I take a deep breath. “Dylan? Caesar?”

“Yes, Emma?” they reply in unison.

“Can you give us a minute?” I inquire.

“I’m sorry?” Dylan returns.

“Can you give us a minute? Just step out from the car and let me talk to Anna, please,” I instruct.

“Sure,” Dylan graciously confirms. He and Caesar exit the car, taking a few steps away to give us privacy.

It takes me a moment or two to figure out what I want to say to Anna. I know that I can trust her — she’s kept the secret of Joe and me from everyone until we were willing to come forward about our relationship.

“I need your help with something,” I begin. “And, I’m not sure how to ask. Especially . . . .” I sigh. “Especially, since . . . I need you not to tell anyone anything.”

“Of course, Ms. Emma,” she answers earnestly.

“You can’t say anything to Joe either,” I add.

“Of course,” she replies smiling.

“I know you’ll keep a secret,” I praise. “You did about Joe and me and I’m grateful for that. You have my utmost trust and respect because of it.”

“What do you need, Ms. Emma?” she encourages.

My eyes lower, not sure if I can look at her while I ask. “I need . . . .” I breathe in deeply, releasing it on a forced sigh. “I need you to . . .” my voice falters as tears threaten.

Anna places her hand on top of mine. “It’s okay, Ms. Emma.”

“I . . . need you to get me a test,” I begin.

“A test?” Anna repeats, looking confused.

“Yes,” I confirm. “A very special kind of test.” I wait to see if she understands, but she doesn’t. “One that I can’t go in and get because if someone sees me getting it . . .” I pause for a moment. “. . . a test that can . . . could change things.”

Anna’s eyes light up. “Do you think you’re . . . .”

“Shhhhh,” I say, cutting her off. I look over my shoulder and notice that my bodyguards didn’t hear us.

“That would be wonderful news,” Anna says, beaming. “Mr. Joseph would be so happy.”

A few of the tears I fought to control slowly make their way down my cheeks.

“Ms. Emma, don’t cry,” Anna soothes.

“Kim said that I am when I saw her while Joe was gone,” I reveal. “But, I have to see it for myself.”

“I understand,” Anna confirms. “I’ll get it.”

“Thank you, Anna,” I reply, hugging her. “Thank you.”

Once I get myself under control, we call Dylan and Caesar back to the car. At our next destination, Anna instructs my bodyguards to stay with me and that she’s just running in for a few things. Twenty minutes later, Anna comes out of the store with several bags causing me to panic.

“We’re heading to Ms. Emma’s,” Anna instructs Dylan.

Dylan looks to me in the rearview mirror and I nod confirmation.

Anna follows me up to my apartment, bringing the two bags with us while Dylan waits for her to return.

“Please tell me you didn’t buy every single one in the store?” I inquire nervously.

“No,” Anna laughs. “I bought a few extra things to hide them in here so it wouldn’t look so obvious.” Anna takes out three different tests. “I wasn’t sure which one you preferred, then I figured it wouldn’t hurt to take all three.”

“What are you doing, Anna?” I ask as Anna adds the rest of the contents from the bag into my fridge and cupboard.

“I got you a few things . . . you know, just in case the test is positive,” she admits. “Tea. Ice cream. Tissues. Fruit. And, your favorite pastries.”

“You are too good to me, Anna,” I praise.

“Even if you weren’t with Mr. Joseph,” Anna states. “I would do whatever you need, Ms. Emma.” She rips off the lid to the ice cream and plops it in front of me with a large spoon. “Eat. I’ll make some lunch. If you are pregnant, that baby needs food.”

With sincere appreciation in my heart, I walk over to Anna and wrap my arms around her, sighing out some of my apprehension. “Thank you.”

Anna taps my back. “You’re welcome, Ms. Emma.”

I sit down on the far right bar stool and take a heaping scoop of the salted caramel goodness and stuff it into my mouth.

“Are you afraid to tell him?” Anna inquires.

“A little,” I admit after swallowing a large mouthful.

“Mr. Joseph is a good man,” she shares. “I think he’d be very happy. He loves you.”

A timid smile spreads across my face.

“The question is,” Anna says. “Do you believe that he does?” She doesn’t say anything else, letting me ponder while she fixes me more food. She places a salad and a large glass of water in front of me. “Eat.” The tone of Anna’s voice is a stern but loving one and I don’t question it.

Neither of us say anything as I eat the delicious meal. She putters in my kitchen, tidying up to keep herself busy, giving me time to relax and process everything. When I finish the glass of water, Anna sweetly pours another one. I sip it slowly as she takes my dirty dishes and washes them.

After about five minutes of silence, Anna asks, “Are you going to take the test?”

“Yeah,” I sigh.

She looks at me expectantly.

“I don’t need to pee yet,” I laugh.

“Drink,” she says, gesturing to the glass in front of me.

“Okay, bossy,” I tease, wanting to lessen the tension.

Anna smiles sweetly and then begins making tea.

“I have your favorite,” I inform.

“This is for you,” she mentions. “I’ll make some for myself once I’m done.”

Another five minutes pass by extremely slowly. The urge to pee has yet to arrive. I continue to sip on the tea and water sitting in front of me while I contemplate a variety of ways to tell Joe about — our situation.

Will he want it? Will he want me? Do I want it? Will this make him leave, or will this just complicate things and then we’re left with nothing but hating each other? Will he try to move in with me, or worse, try to get me to move in with him? Will he hate me and never talk to me again? Let’s face it, I’m technically carrying a bastard child. We’re not married. Would he want to marry me? Would I want to marry him? God, I sound like a lunatic. I can’t think about marriage right now, not while I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that I’m — pregnant. Fuck. The looks, the judgments I’ll get from the press when I can no longer hide my belly. Even worse, the looks and judgments of my family — their disapproval would hurt the most.

“Emma?” Anna calls.

“Yeah,” I return with my head snapping up.

“Are you okay?” she searches with kindness in her eyes.

“Mmm hmm,” I lie while drinking more water since I finished my tea.

Too anxious to put it off any longer, especially since I’ve had to pee for the last few minutes but have been ignoring it, I get up, grab the death-sentence boxes in one arm and take the freshly poured tea that Anna offers with my free hand.

“I’ll be right here,” Anna calls as I enter the bedroom.

“Thank you,” I shout in return.

Dumping the boxes on the counter, I line them up, trying to figure out which one I’m going to take first. The directions on each box are pretty self-explanatory, but there’s still apprehension about my ability to perform accurately. Thank God Anna bought more than one. After some pacing, I head back to the kitchen and grab a plastic cup to pee in. The fear that I might not be able to pee on each stick in enough time worries me.

For as bad as I need to pee, sitting over the toilet with the cup jammed between my legs does nothing to relax me. I reach up and turn on the sink, hoping the sound of flowing water will force it out. A few seconds later, it’s streaming out of me and is not stopping. I’m able to fill the cup halfway without getting any on me as I continue to nervously pee. Sadie looks at me funny as she sniffs the air.

“I know,” I say. “Mommy looks a little stupid right now.”

Fuck. What did I just say?

“Don’t look at me like that,” I remark to Sadie. “You don’t know how hard this is. Please, don’t judge me.”

I take a deep breath and double check the instructions for the first test. Then, I dip the one side into the cup and remove it, placing it on the counter. I repeat the same action for the other two and stare blankly at the three of them while I wait. Crap. How long is this supposed to take? Each box says a few minutes. God damn it. I don’t have a few minutes.

A gentle knock is heard on the door as I finish dumping out the remaining contents from the cup. “You okay in there, Ms. Emma?”

“Yeah,” I answer. “Just waiting for the damn results.”

Anna doesn’t say anything.

I rinse the cup out, tossing it in the trash and then sit on top of the toilet impatiently waiting. My palms become sweaty and my breathing becomes uneasy. I see a color mark on the closest test, but I can’t will my body to get up.

Come on, Emma. You can do this. Breathe. Just breathe.

“Ms. Emma?” Anna calls, rapping on the door.

“Yeah?”

“Do you need help?” she searches lovingly.

I hesitate to answer for a moment. “Yeah,” my voice shakes.

Anna steps in and offers a gentle smile. Her gaze bounces between me and the tests. “So?” she pokes.

“So,” I sigh. “I haven’t looked. I’m too scared.”

“Do you mind if I look for you?” she inspects.

“No,” I huff.

Anna delicately picks up the first box, looking like she’s thoroughly checking the instructions and then glances down to the sticks that are side by side. She lifts the second and third box, repeating the same actions as to make sure she’s not misreading the test. Once she’s done, she turns and just looks at me with her hands clasped in front of her.

“So?” I check.

“So,” Anna starts with a large breath. “I think you should look.”

“Why?” I ask nervously.

“I just think you should see for yourself,” she states calmly without a hint in her voice or facial expression to give me any indication.

“Tell me,” I request.

Anna shakes her head.

“What? What do they say?” I press.

Anna remains silent.

My body jolts off the toilet seat and my eyes focus on each of the tests. All of the information I read earlier gets jumbled in my head and I can’t remember which mark means what. I frantically inspect each box and then look at the appropriate test that correlates several times. A giggle erupts and I can’t stop as tears start to flow from my eyes. Sadness and joy fill my heart, forcing my body to slump down onto the floor. Anna lowers herself, wrapping her arms around me as she rocks my body, shushing me as her hand strokes my hair.