Just Claire (14 page)

Swiping her nose on a sleeve, ClaireLee sat there holding her sister for a long while. When she rose to her feet, she took in a shuddering breath, tucked her Bible under an arm and perched Lolly on a hip. She trudged toward the cabin with her burden, wanting Wendy's life, even Belinda's.
At least her grandma smothers her with attention.

Not this—her own life.

I
n class
, Mrs. Reed discussed plans for the upcoming month. Parent-teacher conferences were scheduled to begin soon. After this, open house night, which would include the Best Report of the Year competition. ClaireLee's ears perked up at the mention of a contest. The contest involved each class in the school, with students choosing a topic in history. Not just about any place in the world either, but of Gallagher Springs, California.

The library buzzed with students. Each grade picked information from books and pamphlets brought in by Mrs. Reed from the city of Redden's large library and museum.

Giddy with excitement, ClaireLee enjoyed anything historical. Especially about what helped America grow into a nation, and she chose her topic on log river drivers. When she saw a picture of a logger balancing on a log in the river, she was hooked. The short hikes to the river behind the cabin meant more to her now. She stared at the water and imagined the men on logs in the swift white rapids of the Rushing. Log jams as high as a two-story house. What challenged her, though, was the competition.
Is it possible I could become a winner
?

O
n the first
day of two-day parent-teacher conferences, Mrs. Reed met with a few moms. After lunch, Kaye's dad came in for his appointment. ClaireLee studied the man who had a stinkin' attitude for his daughter. His soft voice and gentle movements were a surprise. She expected an unkind man in the father of Smart Mouth Kaye Tyner.

When his time came to an end, Mr. Tyner met Kaye at her desk. He kissed her squarely on the head. Kaye closed her eyes and hugged her daddy around the neck.

In awe, ClaireLee puzzled over Kaye's act of affection. When the recess bell interrupted her sorting through her thoughts, ClaireLee stayed in her seat. She hunched over the pamplet and copied information to her notebook about log river driving.

Right then, Belinda and Valerie walked over to ClaireLee. “Are you coming?”

She shook her head. “I want to finish this first.”

“We'll meet you outside,” Belinda said, and they left. ClaireLee bent closer to her lined notebook, and her pencil flew across the page with information.

Amazed at how mules were used to move the logs in the early years of the logging industry, ClaireLee tapped the pencil on her chin. Because mules were this important, someone would be assigned to make sure they were not overworked. The mules had a roof over their heads at night, ate well, and were groomed with a brush.

Mrs. Reed called to her. “Claire?”

“Yeah, uh, yes ma'am?”

“Did you know your parents' time to meet with me came before Mr. Tyner's?”

“Uh, no.” She fidgeted in her seat, staring at her teacher. “Daddy had to help my mother today.”
Again.

“Oh?” Mrs. Reed stood at ClaireLee's desk. “Is everything okay?”

Nothing had been right in ClaireLee's family since Feather's birth. How could she explain this to Mrs. Reed? Should she? ClaireLee settled on telling the newest and safest problem. “The baby caught the cruddy cough, so Mama needs Daddy's help.”

Mrs. Reed motioned for her to follow. “You should have a conference, Claire, like the rest of the students.” ClaireLee blinked at the notion, while Mrs. Reed pointed to a chair next to her desk.

Adjusting her glasses, Mrs. Reed opened the grade book. “You're struggling in arithmetic with a C-.” They worked on a few equations until ClaireLee understood it better, but honestly, she grew bored with numbers.

The stiffness in ClaireLee's shoulders dissolved as Mrs. Reed's earnest expression showed she cared. “You've done well in English.” Mrs. Reed's finger found a letter and tapped. “You can see you have an A. In history you have a B. Big Red gave you an A in physical education, and in music Mrs. Blackwell gave you an A.”

Mrs. Reed stared at her, and ClaireLee nodded to show she understood.

“You're a hardworking student, and see here.” She pointed to notes each teacher wrote. “We commented on how serious you are about learning. Your parents should be proud.”

Did she have to mention
proud
and
parents
in the same sentence?
ClaireLee's eyes blurred.
Mama doesn't care about anything, let alone me and my grades.

In an emotional upheaval, ClaireLee no longer liked this special meeting. She should be able to have her parents come like any other student. In a flush of anger, she blurted tattling words. “Mama has been mean to me.” Clamping hands over her mouth, she was unable to smother her cries.

A groan escaped from Mrs. Reed. “Oh dear.” She wrapped her arm around ClaireLee. “How, Claire?”

Her breath quickened in a stream of hiccupping sobs. Mrs. Reed cupped ClaireLee's head and brought her into a tighter embrace. After the tears dried, ClaireLee told Mrs. Reed what had happened with her new dresses. “And then”—she hung her head—“I was angry and told Mama I didn't know her anymore.”

“Those were harsh words.” Mrs. Reed sighed. “Of course you were upset, Claire.”

With her head still bowed, she said, “I've never back-talked to Mama before.”

“I believe you, Claire.” She patted ClaireLee's arm.

ClaireLee relaxed into Mrs. Reed's shoulder. “After our fight, I ran to the river. By the time I came home, Mama was singing a song to Feather. She even winked at me like she used to.” She shivered from a chill, which scratched along her spine. “Mama acted like she didn't remember our fight.”

Her desk drawer already open, Mrs. Reed reached inside. She presented a thin book to ClaireLee. “Here.” She placed it in ClaireLee's outstretched fingers. “I keep a few of these for students who show an interest in writing. As a teenager, I found a diary helped me to sort my feelings.”

“Thank you.” ClaireLee touched the cloth cover. “This is a deep brown, like fall leaves.”

“It has a key for your privacy.” Her teacher flipped it to the backside.

ClaireLee touched the taped key. “My first diary.”

Mrs. Reed moved her hands over her own pleated skirt. “I think your mother needs time to heal because she may be suffering from the baby blues.”

Latching on to those words, ClaireLee pondered them.
Does this have anything to do with Feather being born with purple skin?
“What are
baby blues
?”

“When women give birth, this can happen.” Mrs. Reed's eyes misted. “I know I felt overly sad after my son was born. In time, those emotions left, and I felt like myself once again.”

Hope niggled its way into ClaireLee's heart, but just as fast she doubted. “I wonder if Mama still loves us.”

“Right now,” Mrs. Reed said, “she's trying to get through moment by moment. Believe me, ClaireLee, your mother still loves you.”

Daring to believe, ClaireLee squeezed her eyes.

Mrs. Reed pulled her close, once again, and her mouth moved on ClaireLee's hair. “I know it's hard to imagine, but from this experience you'll grow into a strong woman.”

ClaireLee would have laughed if it weren't so serious. She couldn't picture herself as a grown-up, but she
could
imagine herself under a tree, writing in her new diary about how complicated life had become.

L
ater in the afternoon
, ClaireLee waved good-bye as Belinda flattened her face against the school bus window. This made ClaireLee chuckle. After Big Red drove off with the students, Wendy, Valerie, and Kaye met her on the steps. Valerie's glowing expression said it all. Something huge was about to happen.

“Go on home.” ClaireLee motioned to her brothers. “I'll be there soon.”

Whining, Liam said, “Why do you get to stay here and we don't?”

She nudged him forward. “I said I'll be there soon. Now get.” Liam gave ClaireLee the Ugly Look and stuck out his uglier tongue.

Before she could respond to him, the Lavender Girls formed a circle around ClaireLee. Voices filled with drama, they each spoke. “We've. Decided. You're. A. Lavender. Girl.”

ClaireLee fumbled with her braid. “Me?” She had to flutter her lashes as the tears wouldn't stop.

Wendy shook her head. “There's no crying in the Lavender Girls Club.”

“Welcome to our group, Claire.” Valerie gave her a knowing nod.

Her emotions from the day broke loose, and she sobbed.

“Oh brother.” Kaye moaned. “Are we sure about this?”

“Yes, we are.” Valerie grabbed ClaireLee and hugged. “She's just glad.”

Relieved for the rescue from Valerie, ClaireLee said, “Thank you. I sure am.”

Wendy's eyes softened. “You'll be a nice addition to our club.”

Tapping a foot on the sidewalk, Kaye said, “Are we through with the gushy gabbing?”

“Let's make a pact.” Wendy motioned for everyone to join hands. “To the most fun before we leave this crummy little town.”

“Okay, I'm ready,” ClaireLee said, and she whooped for joy.

“I'm having another party on Saturday,” Wendy said to ClaireLee. “Can you come?”

Now, her lips tipped way up. “Well, sure.” Although, nothing could be for certain until she got permission from Daddy. As a Lavender Girl, however, she had a responsibility to the club. She felt certain Daddy would understand.

Swinging down, Kaye grabbed a pile of library books off the curb. “For this party we'll experiment with makeup and hair.”

Fixing her teeth on her lip, ClaireLee nibbled. “Oh, I don't know if—”
I can't let them know, Daddy doesn't approve of makeup.
Besides, she didn't have to wear it to have fun with the Lavender Girls. “I'll be there. What time?”

“It'll be at seven,” Valerie said, “and last until we're done.”

“Okay.” ClaireLee gazed at the Lavenders. “I've got to get home.” As a group, everyone started for their houses, and ClaireLee fell silent, listening to the discussion of party details.

Soon, they approached Valerie's driveway, and they said their see-you-laters. A short distance more, they came to ClaireLee's road. She waved. “Can't wait for tomorrow.”

Grabbing ClaireLee's arm, Wendy said, “Listen, don't tell Belinda about the party. I think she's bold enough to crash it now since you're one of us.”

The comment jarred ClaireLee. “She wouldn't do it.”

Moving next to ClaireLee, Kaye said, “Believe me, she would.”

“Okay.” She had no intention of telling Belinda, anyhow. She wouldn't hurt her friend's feelings for all the trees in Gallagher Springs. And she still needed to convince Belinda to be nice to Wendy, so she could become a Lavender Girl.

On her way home, ClaireLee hummed a song about loving others.

Guilt plagued her, though, for she was struggling.
Haven't I been trying with Mama? What about Kaye Tyner? I've held my temper lots of times.
In spite of all this, ClaireLee knew things were getting better for her.
I'm a Lavender Girl. Later. I'll get Belinda into the club.

She just knew it.

W
ith Daddy home
, ClaireLee planned to avoid him. She would go to the party one way or another.
What if he wants to know what we'll be doing?
After Daddy went to bed at his regular time, she could leave. At seven thirty, though, it would make her late.

Within sight of Daddy at the woodpile, she started up the porch steps. “Claire Bear?”

Oh, boy, I've got to figure this out right away.
She
tsked
her tongue.

He set down his axe and leaned an arm on the handle. “Change your clothes, so you can carry wood to the box.”

She sighed. “Why don't the boys help?”

“I sent them to gig frogs for supper.” His eyes narrowed.

She mumbled. “Okay.” ClaireLee stopped inside the doorway and gazed at Mama's back.
She's washing dishes?
Finding her voice, ClaireLee said, “Hi, Mama.” The sides of Mama's mouth went up a smidgen, and she finished what she was doing.
A happy Mama is good
.

Moving toward Lolly, who was on the bed, ClaireLee ran a hand over Lolly's hair and kept going. Feather lay in his crib. Dreaming of Mama's milk, his fat cheeks moved in rhythm to his suckling noises.

Content to see her family in a normal routine, ClaireLee sighed. In the bathroom, she slipped into her trousers and wrestled with herself.
I want to go to the party, but I must ask Daddy's permission
. Before she did this, though, she must confess to Daddy about her disagreement with Mama. It weighed heavily on her chest. Besides, if she could tell the teacher, she could tell Daddy.

After changing, she went outside, and Daddy said, “This may be my last wood-splitting, Claire Bear. Spring is here, and summer's around the bend.” He lifted the axe and slung down, exhaling with an
uumph
. “Though nights stay chilly, don't they?”

“I guess.” ClaireLee filled her arms and staggered to the cabin with her armful of wood. Indoors, she leaned over the waist-high box and let the pile drop.

When ClaireLee returned, Daddy said, “Are you upset because I couldn't come to your conference?”

This seemed ages ago. “No.”
Maybe a little.

“You're sure quiet, Claire Bear. Is there something I should know?”

Her scalp prickled. “How about I drop off this load, and I'll tell you what's bothering me?”

Not commenting, Daddy pursed his lips.

ClaireLee's gut wrenched.
Hope Daddy doesn't get mad at me for what I said to Mama.

A
fter dropping
off another armload of wood, ClaireLee sat on a cut-off log and watched Daddy work. With a final swing of the axe, he left the blade in a chunk of wood. Rooting around in his pocket, he lifted a hanky, put it to his nose, and honked. Before, ClaireLee would have laughed at his nose-blowing. Instead, she nibbled on the tip of a fingernail. He sat next to her on another log and flicked open his knife blade. Whittling on a stick, he said, “What's eating at you?”

“I sort of told Mama she wasn't Mama anymore.” She clasped her hands in her lap, and held her breath just a bit.

His brows met in the middle like two caterpillars in a tussle.

Daddy didn't comment, and so ClaireLee told him about the letter she wrote to Nana—leaving out the part about Mama being sick—and what happened after Mama found out about the dresses Nana had sent. She mentioned going to the river—leaving off the part about wanting to swim away forever—and how Lolly came to find her.

After she finished, Daddy's face wadded into a sulking knot. “I'm afraid of confronting your mother.” He lowered his chin and stared at his steel-toed boots. “I'm not saying this right.”

ClaireLee forgot about the Lavender Girls' party. She forgot about missing Oregon and wanting Mama to always stay a good mama, if even for a few moments. She remembered to breathe and she gasped. “You? Afraid of Mama?”

“Your mother forgot she upset you by the time you and Lolly came back inside.” Daddy gazed at her. “Am I correct?”

“Or she was being mean to act like it never happened, Daddy.” She stared at her hands, a sob building in her stomach.

“Claire Bear, no.” His face softened. “She's not herself. Your mama suffered a trauma when she almost died having Chipper. So now, you've got to forgive her shortcomings.”

“I've got to be an angel?” ClaireLee made fists. “She can act any way she likes, but it's not fair.”

His sad expression wobbled. “We've gotta help her along. This is one of many times your mama has had a breakdown.”

Frowning, ClaireLee just knew she was about to learn a thing about Mama. “Breakdown?”

“Honey.” Daddy cupped her hands within his. “Your mama has had emotional issues since her teenage years. Your mother's grandmother? Same problems.”

She pulled from his grasp. “You mean it's contagious?”

“No, no, no, honey. Besides, you're more like me. We feel deeply, but we know how to bounce with the punches.”

“No.” Trembling all over, ClaireLee shook her head. “We need to go back to Oregon.”

“I can't leave here, and we need to stay together.” He lifted her chin. “I've almost made the needed amount to pay our bills for the next year.” Daddy grabbed her hand, again. “This tunnel job will free me to work on our property. I've been thinking of logging fifty acres of our trees to bring in more money for later.” By this time, ClaireLee's tears flowed along her cheeks. “And I give you my word. We'll make the four-hour drive back home the night after the tunnel is finished.”

Sniffing and wiping her face, ClaireLee said, “Why didn't you tell me about Mama's problem?”

Daddy raised his palms in defense. “It seemed too adult for your age.”

“I'm not a baby anymore, Daddy.” She swiped at a rogue tear.

The merriment ClaireLee had grown to love settled over his eyes. “I can see this, Claire Bear.”

“How about just Claire, Daddy.” She let go a sigh. “No more Claire Bear.”

The warmth in Daddy's features calmed her as he said, “I'll try to remember. You've worked hard around here, not falling down on the job.”

“So, then,” ClaireLee blinked away the tears, “shouldn't I have a break?”

“Depends on what this break is all about.” He cocked a brow. “Do you want to tell me?”

Sucking in a breath, she said, “Wendy Lavender invited me to her party tonight.”

“Yes, you may go.”

She flew into his chest and hugged him in a thank-you.

“Now help your mama.” He patted her back. “Start an early supper, since you'll be gone later.”

What should I make
? She ran inside and started opening cupboards.

Mama reached around ClaireLee, took the damp kitchen towel, and wiped the counters. “What are you doing?”

“Looking to see what I should fix for supper. Daddy said I could go to the Lavender party tonight, so I've got to hurry.”

“Leaving us again?” Mama leaned against the stove, a longing in her eyes.

ClaireLee ignored Mama's comment and pulled down two large cans of tomato soup with a box of crackers. She opened the refrigerator and gathered butter and cheese for grilled sandwiches.
I can't wait to leave and take a break from her
.

How long would this breakdown last?

I
n the early evening
, ClaireLee finished supervising her brothers' kitchen duties. She was about done with her own work, when Daddy yawned in his rocker. His mouth opened wide in a huge right-before-bed yawn which always ended with an “
ahhh.
” Soon, ClaireLee would be going to the party. Lolly had her bath and was dressed in her clean nightgown. The boys prepared for bed, also. Mama, of course, went there long ago, making more space in the cabin.

ClaireLee's ears perked when Feather whimpered.

Yawning once more, Daddy tilted his head. He blinked on the sleepy tears. “I'm ready to hit the hay.” Daddy tucked Lolly in and said, “Time for bed, boys.” They did without complaint.

Eying a higher shelf, ClaireLee reached on tiptoes and placed the last dish in its spot. Daddy called to her. “Good night, Claire. You know I love you.”

Her heart warmed at just
Claire
. “I know, Daddy.”

Leaving, he then came back and handed her his flashlight. “You'll need this to see on your walk home.”

“Thanks.” She hugged her daddy good-night.

In the bathroom, ClaireLee sang in a soft whisper, “Was blind, but now I see,” as she pulled her plum velvet dress over her head. She spread her hands over the high nap of the garment. Spotting dirt underneath her toenails, she stopped singing. “Uh-oh.” After scrubbing her feet with a small brush, ClaireLee stretched her cable knit socks over her toes and up to her knees. Shoes tied, she retrieved the flashlight and gripped the doorknob.

When she stepped onto the lighted porch, the baby wailed.

As Daddy opened his bedroom door, ClaireLee grimaced. She wanted to shut the front door and bolt to Wendy's. Act like she didn't hear Feather crying. Act like she didn't know Daddy was coming for her. She swayed between freedom and responsibility, and her feet stuck to the floorboards.

“Claire Bear, I need you to take Chipper and rock him.”

She bowed her head.
He forgot just Claire
.