Just Friends With Benefits (38 page)

I nodded, hoping he’d clarify since I had no idea to what ideas he was referring.

Gerard grinned at me. “You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you?”

Busted, I shook my head and said, “Not a clue.”

“You came into my office about six months ago with a list of ideas on how to keep your job fresh and I’ve been thinking about how well things have worked out.”

I most certainly remembered the list of ideas I had concocted. When I reflected on my business trip to New York City and the chain of events that followed, ‘successful’ was not how I would describe the outcome. “I’m glad you think so.”

“I’d like to reward you for your hard work, Stephanie.”

Wait. What?
“Really?” I sat up straighter in my chair.

“You’re already a Senior Paralegal and I obviously can’t promote you to lawyer.”

“Obviously,” I said, laughing.

Gerard took another sip of iced tea, leaned forward and placed his elbows on the desk. “Your leadership this week has not gone unnoticed. You’ve demonstrated sharp delegation skills. The junior paralegals really listen to you.”

I felt my face turn red. “I’m so glad.”

“I’d like to see you continue in this direction. Being a point person for the other paralegals and directing cases. And if all goes well, although there are no guarantees, we can discuss a promotion to Paralegal Director at your next official review.”

“Oh, my God. I’m so flattered that you’d consider me for a role like that.” Paralegal Director had a nice ring to it. It sounded way more important than Senior Paralegal which just made me feel well, old, as in senior citizen. Spinster senior citizen.

Gerard smiled brighter. “And, of course, a promotion comes with a raise. In this market, the raise won’t change your life style but I think you’ll be pleased.”

I returned Gerard’s sunny expression. “I’m sure I will be. Thanks so much, Gerard. I won’t disappoint you.”

Standing up, Gerard said, “I’m sure you won’t, Stephanie. Keep up the good work.”

I stood up too and shook Gerard’s hand. “Thanks again,” I said. As I left his office smiling, I couldn’t shake the realization that it was the first time I’d been genuinely happy since before I’d broken up with Ryan. And the first time in as long as I remembered that my happiness was not dependent on a guy but in my own hands.

On my way home that night, I called Suzanne to share the good news.

“I’m so happy for you, sweetie. You deserve it,” Suzanne said.

“I guess,” I said. “I really have worked hard but I wish it was because I was genuinely passionate about the work and not because I was trying to escape my own misery.”

“Enough with the self-inflicted Jewish guilt, Steph. Your motivations aside, you worked hard and you deserve it. Enjoy it.”

“I will. It’s not a certainty, though. I have to prove myself over the next few months, but hopefully it will all work out. And it’s not like I’m being promoted to partner or anything. It’s just Paralegal Director.”

“The self-deprecation is boring, Stephanie.” I could almost feel Suzanne rolling her eyes through the phone.

“You’re right. It’s definitely a step in the right direction and I
do
deserve it.”

“That’s my girl!”

“I can’t wait to tell my mom!”

“Okay. I’ll let you go. Drinks this week on me to celebrate, okay?”

“Drinks this week for sure. And we have to plan someone’s bachelorette party, too.”

“True that. Do you think we’re too old to drink from those penis straws? I saw them the other day at Spencers.”

“We’re never too old to drink from penis straws!”

“Cool. Bye sweetie. Talk soon.”

I was about to hang up when I thought better of it. “And Suzanne? I’m sorry for monopolizing all of our conversations with my relationship drama. Let’s make the next year all about you, okay?”

“No need to apologize. I’m constantly on your back about dating. That being said, you’ve got yourself a deal—all about me for the next year. And I’ll hold you to it!”

“Please do! I love you, Suze.”

“Love you too, Steph.”

When I got home, I decided it was too late to call my mom and so, after washing my face and brushing my teeth, I watched an episode of ‘Man Vs. Food’
on The Travel Channel. I fell asleep before finding out if the host finished the twelve pound hamburger.

~ * ~

Right on schedule, my phone rang at exactly 3:30 the next afternoon. I answered the phone cheerily, “Hi Mom! How was your weekend?” Admittedly, I was more interested in telling her my good news.

“It was nice. Al and I saw a play at the Helen Hayes Theater on Saturday night. How was yours?”

“I worked all weekend.”

“Again? You must be exhausted.”

“Not really.” I’d actually made it to the gym that morning for an early run.

“Sam and Amy invited us over next Sunday for a barbeque. You coming?”

“I don’t know. Mom, I have some good news.”

“You heard from Ryan?”

The excitement in her voice caused my spirits to temporarily plummet, but I shrugged it off. “No, Mom. But I’m up for a promotion at work!”

“That’s great, Stephanie. What kind of promotion?”

I explained the position to my mother, careful to remind her that it was dependent on my continued hard work.

“Well, I hope the long hours don’t get in the way of your getting out there and dating.”

“I actually think it will be a good change for me. I’m trying not to focus so much on dating.” In response to the silence on the other end of the phone, I said, “They always say it happens when you’re not looking.”

My mom laughed. “That’s a load of bull, Stephanie. You can’t sit at home and expect Mr. Right to knock on your door.”

“Maybe I’m not looking for Mr. Right. Or maybe I found him and blew it.”

“It wasn’t meant to be, Stephanie. Maybe Hille will finally open his eyes.”

“Hille’s gay, remember?” I felt a lump in my throat. “Can’t you just be happy for me?”

“Happy that your heart is broken? Of course not,” my mom said.

“Happy that I’m getting a promotion, Mom!”

Calmly, my mom said, “Of course I’m happy for you.”

“I worked really hard for this and you don’t even care.” I realized I was raising my voice, put the phone on speaker and closed my door.

“Of course I care. What are you talking about?”

“All you care about is my love life. And your constant reminders that I don’t have one don’t help. There is more to my life than dating.” There was more silence. “I’m busy at work. Talk to you later.” I hung up the phone and headed to the 4:00 staff meeting. I was fifteen minutes early so I sat alone in the conference room and closed my eyes.

When I got back to my office forty-five minutes later, there was a red light on my phone. I figured it was mom yelling at me for hanging up on her and reluctantly listened to the message. It
was
my mother, but she didn’t yell; she just asked me to call her back when I got a chance.

I felt my heart pounding and as I dialed her number. I felt guilty for hanging up on her but just couldn’t listen to her carry on about Ryan and Hille and ‘getting out there’ anymore. “Hi, Mom.”

“So you finally decided to call me back.”

“I was in a meeting, Mom. I just got your message now.”

“I wanted to apologize to you.” Her voice sounded shaky.

My heart continued to beat rapidly. “For what?”

I heard her exhale into the phone. “I don’t know. For being a Jewish mother, I guess.”

“You forgot the word ‘overbearing’ between ‘Jewish’ and ‘mother.’

“You know I love you, right?”

“Of course, but…” My mom’s love for me was never in doubt.

“But what, honey?”

I hesitated, searching for the right words. I knew they’d never come. Or at least not until hours from now when I was alone in my apartment re-playing the conversation to myself. “Sometimes I think you’d be happier if I was more like Sam. You know, married with child.”

“I would be happier, Stephanie. But only because I want you to find someone who loves and adores you the way you deserve to be loved and adored.”

“I want that too, Mom. But wanting something doesn’t make it so. It is what it is and your constant reminders just make me feel worse.”

“I’m sorry, Stephanie. I really am.”

“Ryan made me happy.”

“I know dear.”

“But the entire time we were dating, I felt like you compared him to Hille. ‘Hille’s so smart,’ ‘Hille makes good money.’ Ryan’s financially secure, too. And he’s extremely intelligent—about stuff that really matters. Half the stuff Hille knows about is meaningless in the real world. Who cares that the first immigrant to Ellis Island was a fourteen-year-old Irish girl? And you wonder why I never want to tell you anything about my love life!”

“Oh, Stephanie. I’m terribly sorry.” She sighed. “I’m afraid your mother isn’t always the sharpest tack.”

The sincerity in her voice urged me to continue. “I wish you were proud of me the way you are of Sam.”

“Of course, I’m proud of you! I couldn’t be prouder.” This time, it was my mother who raised her voice and I glanced over at my office door, confirming that it was still closed.

“Even though I’m still single and apparently a failure at love?”

My mom laughed. “Yes. And you’re not a failure at love. Your time will come.” Before I had a chance to respond, she said, “But if it doesn’t, I won’t love you any less.”

“But my time will come!” I was hopeless. I had expended all that energy insisting that my happiness did not revolve around my love life and yet the thought of being alone forever felt like a death sentence.

“Yes, it will. I’m certain of it.”

“Are you really?” I knew the answer but I wanted to hear it again.

“I’m positive. But remember, the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. I guess I failed to teach you that, huh?”

She most certainly had, but I was too old to blame my mistakes on my mother. I had broken up with Ryan of my own free-will. “Not at all, Mom. I love you.”

“I love you, too. And I’m proud to be your mother. Please believe me.”

As I insisted I believed her, it felt good to know I was actually speaking the truth.

~ * ~

I treated myself to dinner that night. Sushi was expensive, but as I sat at the bar at my favorite restaurant with my three favorite rolls in front of me, I thought of the raise I had coming to me at the end of the year and felt no guilt. And I found a bright side to my experience with Ryan. I was capable of truly falling for someone who liked me just as I was and while it was too late to make things right with Ryan, someday I’d find someone else. And when I did, I’d be ready to take the next step. Until that happened, I wanted to embrace life and do the things that made me happy. I’d seen a sign-up sheet at the gym for a runner’s group. Maybe I’d train for a half-marathon. Or maybe I would take a cooking class and learn to make something besides grilled cheese. And when Jess and Eric had the baby, I’d be the best pseudo aunt ever.

I was on my couch contemplating my next move. My apartment needed cleaning but I just wasn’t motivated.