Kanada (9 page)

“Get out of here!” he yelled. “Return to your block immediately!” He took an envelope out of his pocket. “Stop at the hospital on the way back and drop off a letter for me! Do you understand what I want you to do?”

“Jawohl, Kommandant!”

“Be gone!”

With a quick nod, I scurried out of Kanada, thankful that the Kapo did not think to check my shoes.

Friday, September 1, 1944

A
t the back entrance of the hospital, a tall man in a striped Häftling uniform came out of the building. He was bent under the weight of two pails hanging from his hands. He dumped the contents of the pails into a large wooden bin that stood at the side of the building. He jumped when I tapped him on the shoulder.

“Who are you? Why are you trying to sneak up on me? You're not supposed to be here!” He spoke so fast in German that I had difficulty understanding him.

“I was told to deliver this letter to the hospital.”

He grabbed it and went back into the building.

My stomach growled, and I knew that if I didn't hurry I would miss my evening bread. The smell of food wafting out of the garbage bin made my mouth water. I looked around.
The road was deserted. I lifted up the lid of the bin. Resting on top of some soiled bandages was the large pile of raw potato peels the Häftling had dumped. I looked around again. Nobody in sight. I cupped my hands and scooped up some of the peels. They went straight into my mouth. I enjoyed every bite, and I ate until I couldn't eat another mouthful. Then I stuffed my pockets with as many of the potato peels as I could. I hurried back to the barracks with my stomach full, my pockets wet against my thighs, and the lumps made by the coins rubbing against the soles of my feet. I was happier than I had been since I arrived at Auschwitz. And I knew what I could do to help Sari celebrate her birthday.

Sari was lined up for bread with Agi and Eva.

“We were worried that you'd be too late to get your evening ration,” said Agi.

“What happened to your skirt? Why is it wet?” asked Sari.

“I'll tell you after we've eaten.”

It was finally our turn. With the precious pieces of bread we were given clutched in our hands, we sat down at our usual spot on the ground in front of our block. Agi and Eva gorged on their bread. Sari slowly nibbled on the crust.

“Happy birthday, Sari! I have a surprise for you,” I said as cheerfully as I could. “They gave me extra bread in Kanada. I'm full. I can't take another bite. You can have my ration. It's my gift for your birthday.” I shoved my bread into her hands before I could change my mind.

She stared at me, mouth agape. “I can't accept your bread! It's too generous!”

“Sure you can! You have to. I'm stuffed!”

Her face brightened. She hugged me and took the bread.

“There's more … I have something for you two!” I announced.

I emptied my pockets and filled my dish with the potato peels. The girls piled them on top of their bread.

“I am so hungry that it actually tastes good,” said Eva.

“Let's be careful how much of it we eat,” warned Agi. “We should save some for tomorrow.”

“Don't worry about that. I can always organize more.”

“Where did you get it?” asked Eva.

“It's better that you don't know.”

Eva gave me a long look but did not press me.

“You are a good person, Jutka,” said Sari, patting my hand, “giving me your bread, sharing the potato peels with us …”

“Nonsense! I was lucky. I told you, I was given extra bread in Kanada.”

“Most people would have saved their ration for another day,” said Sari.

Eva put her arm around Sari's shoulder. “Oh, how I wish that I had something to give you for your birthday too!”

“Don't be silly,” said Sari. “We're in a Vernichtungslager. It's a death camp.”

“Does that mean that you don't have a birthday? They're all the more precious here!” said Agi. “At my birthday
parties, we always dressed up in our best clothes and stuffed ourselves with birthday cake and chestnut pudding.”

She leaned closer to me. “You know, Jutka, both Sari and Eva have been here longer than us. Their clothes are in worse shape than ours.”

“Thank you for pointing out that we're in rags.” Eva struck a pose. “You're not so glamorous yourself!”

“Believe me, I know,” said Agi. “Still, we're a little better off than you.” She took Sari's hand. “Jutka and I will lend you our clothes to wear for a day, Sari. Jutka?”

“It's a wonderful idea!”

“You can have my shirt. It's less torn than yours and much cleaner,” said Agi.

Sari laughed helplessly. “Fine. But you really don't have to do this.”

“I know, but I want to.”

“Will your shirt fit me?” asked Sari.

“For sure. You may be taller than I am, but you're skinnier than me,” Agi said.

“That's because you hardly eat!” I told her. “If you promise to eat more, I'll lend you my shoes.” I kicked them off my feet.

“I am becoming a regular Muselmann, aren't I?” said Sari ruefully. She smoothed down the front of her tattered shirt.

“Don't be silly!” scolded Eva.

Sari sighed. “I know I am. Did you mean it about lending me your shoes, Jutka?”

“Of course I did!”

“I'd love to wear regular shoes, even if it's only for a day.” She looked at my feet. “Why do you have rags wrapped around your feet?”

“Good question. Why?” asked Eva.

“Because I have another surprise!” I got the girls to stand in front of me so that I would be hidden. I unraveled the rags to reveal the gold coins. My friends stared at me.

“My God!” said Agi. “Where did you get them?”

“From Kanada. Don't ask any questions.”

“But how –”

“Trust me, it's best not to know!” She nodded reluctantly, and I continued. “I want each of you to take a coin. The money will pay for your passage home at the end of the war.”

“Or buy us bread so that we survive the war,” said Eva.

“You should keep the money for yourself,” said Agi. “You might need it.”

“I have two coins. It's enough. I want to share the rest of the money with you.” We decided that our pockets were the safest place for the coins. Nobody knew that we had them, so nobody would try to steal them from us. When the money was safely stowed away, Sari and I exchanged shoes.

“Your shoes are so comfortable!” she sighed. Her clogs felt tight against my toes, but I kept quiet.

Agi began to unbutton her blouse.

“Oh, Sari, I wish that I had something to lend you too!” said Eva. She looked down at her tattered dress. “I'm as shabby as you are.” She scratched her head and flicked two fat lice into the air. Her face brightened. “That's it!”
she said. “I'll pick off all your lice. That'll be my gift to you!”

“The bugs will come right back,” said Sari.

“They probably will, but they won't be so bad for a while,” replied Eva. “Keep your shirt on for a little longer, Agi, until I debug Sari.”

She picked off the lice crawling over Sari's body and clothes. She even captured the ones hiding in Agi's shirt before the two exchanged their clothing.

“You look nice,” said Agi as we examined Sari in her borrowed finery.

Sari pulled herself up straighter. “I have the best friends in the whole world,” she said. “How can I ever repay you? I promise to give back the shoes and the shirt tomorrow night.” She turned to Eva. “And not to be itchy from lice that is the best present!”

Our spirits were high when we returned to our block for the night. Agi and Eva slept next to me, but Sari slept in the last bunk on the far side of the room.

“I wouldn't have thought that it was possible, but I had a wonderful birthday today,” Sari told us before she bade us goodnight.

A few minutes later, the front door of the barracks banged open and the Kapo entered. She was accompanied by an
SS
guard and a heavy-set man in an
SS
captain's uniform. I was glad to see the Kapo scratching her head.

“Attention!” She sounded nervous. “Disrobe completely, except for your shoes! Then I want everybody to line up
beside their beds. Herr Doktor wants to have a look at you!”

“A selection! We're having a selection!” The message shot through the barracks as fast as a bullet. “They're going to kill us!”

“Silence!” thundered the Kapo. “There is no need for panic!”

The room became so quiet that I could hear my own pounding heart. The doctor marched between the rows of naked women standing at attention beside their bunks, the Kapo right on his heels. From time to time, he pointed his finger in someone's direction. The Kapo would escort the designated Häftling to join the others at the front of the room. The
SS
guard kept his rifle aimed at them.

I felt a tremendous rush of relief when the doctor walked by me. Nor did his finger move when he went by Eva and Agi. When he reached Sari, his finger pointed in her direction. In the blink of an eye, the Kapo led Sari to the doomed group waiting by the door. Sari passed by me, her face vacant. The
SS
soldier opened the front gate, and the women who had been chosen to be murdered were driven outside at gunpoint. Just before the door slammed closed behind her, Sari turned around.

“Your shoes,” she cried. “Jutka, I forgot to return your shoes to you!”

I never saw her again.

That night I dreamt of Canada. Once again I was sitting in a sleigh pulled by beautiful white horses across a field of
blinding snow, and everyone I loved was there. Then, suddenly, we arrived at a busy city, its tall buildings and crowded, snowy streets full of shiny cars. The streets teemed with smiling people, not a single uniform in sight.

“Canada!” I cried. “We have made it to Canada!” The sleigh turned a corner, and Miri, Klari, and Tamas were waiting, shouting for us to stop. Papa pulled in his reins, and the sleigh came to a grinding halt. We scrambled down. Miri and Klari hugged me, and Tamas took my hand. He leaned forward and looked deep into my eyes. He was the old Tamas, with warm brown eyes and a gentle smile. My heart began to dance as I closed my eyes and waited for his kiss. The kiss did not come, and my eyes flew open. Tamas had disappeared. A tiger stood in his place. I stared into its yellow eyes and smelled its foul breath as it bared its fangs. I tried to run. I was breathing raggedly and was covered with sweat when the morning sirens woke me up.

Monday, September 18, 1944

I
lost track of time. I did not know the day of the week or even which month we were enduring. Agi, Eva, and I found comfort from one another's physical presence. We talked of trivialities. We never talked about Sari, naked and terrified, led out of the barracks at gunpoint, or of the other lost ones. But their ghostly presence was always there. The days had become shorter and cooler, so I knew that fall must have arrived. The three of us were sitting in a corner of the block futilely trying to warm ourselves up with lukewarm coffee. Eva was unusually quiet.

“Eva? What's wrong?” asked Agi.

“Other than spending Rosh Hashanah in Auschwitz? What a way to mark the New Year!”

“How do you remember the date?” asked Agi.

“I count the days. It's Monday, September 18. When my papa was taken away, the last thing he told me was to mark the holy days.”

“Think of all the lovely food we'd eat the honey cake and raisins and soup with noodles. We won't be feasting this year,” said Agi.

“And we won't be going to synagogue with our families,” Eva added softly. “I would give anything to hear my papa's voice. He prayed so beautifully. I wish …” A single tear trailed down her cheek.

“Stop it, you two! It's useless to talk about what we don't have! At least we're together. The war can't last forever.” I tried to infuse my words with a hope I did not feel. “‘Who shall live and who shall die’ the answer's not in God's hands these days.”

“You're right, Jutka,” said Agi.

“My papa would be so disappointed in me if he knew that I didn't mark today,” whispered Eva.

“There is nothing we can do,” I told her.

“Yes there is!” Eva dragged herself to her feet and began to pray aloud. The Kapo rushed up to her.

“Silence!” she shouted. “Silence, or you'll pay for it!”

“No, Eva, no!” I cried.

“Eva, please,” Agi pleaded. “Stop it!”

Eva ignored us. She turned her back on the Kapo and prayed.

When Agi saw that there was no stopping her, she stood up and added her voice to the recitation: “‘Remember us for
life, O King Who desires life, and inscribe us in the Book of Life, for Your sake, O Living God.’”

I couldn't help it. My legs seemed to have a will of their own. I stood too and clasped Eva's hand. Around us other Häftlings joined in, until all the women in the block were on their feet, hands linked as they chanted the words:

“‘On Rosh Hashanah will be inscribed and on Yom Kippur will be sealed how many will pass from the earth, and how many will be created; who will live and who will die; who will die at his predestined time and who before his time …’”

Our voices rose: “‘But repentance, prayer and charity remove the evil of the decree!’”

The Kapo marched up to Eva. “You'll regret you did this!” she screamed, spraying spittle into her face.

Eva stared back defiantly, without uttering a single word.

The doors slammed loudly shut behind the Kapo as she bolted out of the block. A few minutes later, she returned with two armed
SS
guards. Then there was a flash of fire, followed by thunder. Eva crumpled to the floor. We didn't even have time to say good-bye.

Two Häftlings dragged Eva's body away. Agi and I, wrapped in each other's arms, cried and cried, our tears intermingling, until we had no more tears left.

“First Sari and now Eva! I can't go on.”

Agi clasped my hands in hers. “You have to, Jutka! Eva was so brave. She never forgot, not even for a moment, who
she was. We must honor her memory by staying alive. I am going to fast on Yom Kippur because that's what she would have done!”

“So will I, for Eva's sake, although every day is Yom Kippur for us. But, Agi, I don't want to live in a world like this! Eva gone! Sari gone too! And our mamas and my grandmama! And where are our papas and my brother? I can't bear it!”

“You've also heard the rumors the Germans are losing the war. We'll be free soon!” But her voice faltered.

“I doubt it! I …”

My words were cut off when the front doors of the barracks swung open. Two skeletal male figures in striped uniforms appeared, carrying a long table into the block. An armed
SS
guard followed them.

“They're men! Men!” The cry ran through the crowd of women who had not seen their fathers, husbands, and sons for months.

“Is there anybody here from Papa?” the taller of the two prisoners called out.

“We are!”

Agi and I pushed to the front of the room. There was something familiar about the tall man. He was bald, gaunt, and filthy, but I was certain that I had seen him before.

Suddenly, Agi screamed.

“Jonah! Don't you recognize me? It's me! Agi!”

He stared at her, but there was no recognition in his face.

“It's me! Agi!”

A deep shudder ran through the man's frame, and he opened his arms wide.

“Oh my love, my beautiful girl! What have they done to you?” he cried. The barrel of the
SS
guard's rifle separated them.

“Raus! Raus!” cried the soldier, shoving him toward the door.

Jonah's friend followed the guard. “Come on, Jonah, come on!” he said. “Let's go before you get hurt!”

“I'm coming, Sandor,” Jonah said. “I'm coming!” He stretched out his arms. “I love you, Agi!” he cried. “Don't forget me!”

“Do you know what happened to Papa?” Agi called after him.

“And to my father?” I asked. “Where is Dezso?”

“I was separated from them! I don't know where they are! I love you, Agi! Don't forget me!”

The guard pushed him out of the block.