Kat Attalla Special Edition (42 page)

“And, did he give it to you?”

He nodded his head in a bitter affirmation. “Oh, sure. He gave it to me all right. The keys to a brand new car to replace the one I had totaled.”

The look of shock on Lilly’s face mirrored the very feelings he remembered from that day. He had asked his father about the woman in the hospital and was told everything had been taken care of. As if he had gotten a parking ticket instead of nearly killing another person.

One innocent pawn had been sacrificed for the win. Only, it wasn’t a game anymore.

“The following morning, I sold the car and gave the money to the family of the woman I had hit. The day she was released from the hospital, I enlisted in the Army. My mother thought I was crazy and tried to stop me because I was underage, but my father let me go.”

Memories of that morning sent a cold chill along his spine. His parents had believed that a car, an inanimate object, was worth more to him than a human life. And worse, they believed it themselves. If he hadn’t left their house, he would have become just like them. He had run, as far and as fast as he could. And fifteen years later, he was still running.

“You never went back to visit?” she asked.

“A few times, but it was never the same. My mother hated me for leaving, and my father resented my visits. Right up until the day he died, my old man had never been able to look me in the eye. I was a constant embarrassment to my family.”

“Or a painful reminder of what they were,” she added solemnly. “It might be different now, Jack. You’ve all grown in fifteen years.”

“Have we?” he wondered aloud. Adults didn’t run from their mistakes, they faced them. Was his break-all-the-rules lifestyle any different than his family’s, or had he merely convinced himself that he worked towards a more noble goal? “I’m not quite the man you imagined, am I?”

* * * *

Lilly bowed her head and fidgeted with the lace on her sneaker rather than hold his intense gaze. Apparently, her answer was very important to him. Was he seeking forgiveness or blame? Neither one was hers to give.

“I didn’t imagine you, Jack. And I never thought you would come without faults. If you’re expecting me to say that what you did was all right, then I’m sorry to disappoint you, but it was incredibly stupid.” She slipped out from under his arm, rose, and started to walk away. Suddenly, she turned back and met his puzzled stare. “But, if you think that changes the way I feel about you, then you’re incredibly dense.”

Without a backwards glance, she returned to the cabin to make lunch. Well, she finally got Jack to talk, she thought as she peeked in the refrigerator. From the way she had to pry the words out of him, she realized she would have had less resistance if she’d pulled four impacted wisdom teeth from his mouth.

She grabbed the sliced deli meats from a shelf and kicked the door closed. Why did he find it so hard to open up to her? Her time with Jack was limited; she held no illusions about that. Was she expecting too much from a relationship that had no future? She only wanted to share one small part of his life, so that someday he might think back and remember what it was like to be loved for what he was. And even for what he wasn’t.

* * * *

Jack kept a watchful eye on the house from his perch on the mountain. He’d never been  a  let-it-all-hang-out kind of guy. Emotional cleansing was as productive as running head first into a stone wall. He only felt good because it was over.
That’s not true
, he realized. He also felt an overwhelming sense of relief that Lilly’s feeling for him hadn’t changed despite the fact that she considered what he had done inexcusable.

Inexcusable, but not unforgivable.

For the first time in his life, being alone felt lonely. He rose and headed down the rocky slope. How fitting that a die-hard cynic like himself would lose his heart to a dreamer. The  reverse he could understand, for Lilly believed in the possibility. There was justice in the world, even if it was poetic.

Halfway down the ridge, he spotted a patch of wild strawberries. He bent down to pick a few ripe berries and then sprinted the rest of the way back. At the door, he plucked a wild flower and tucked it the center of the fruit.

He entered the cabin and flipped the lock. Lilly gazed up from her task and gave him a sad smile. He loved the way her eyes mirrored her feelings, but sorrow was not the emotion he wanted to see reflected there. He joined her in the kitchen and held out his gift to her.

“Flowers and sweets for my baby,” he said and brushed a light kiss across her lips.

She laughed and put them in a bowl on the counter. “Did you get a little too much sun, Jack, or did you want something?”

“I’m wounded that you think I have ulterior motives.” He threw his arm across his chest to dramatize his point.

“Have a seat,” she said, pointing to the chair. She had set only one place at the table.

“What about you?”

“I’m not hungry.”

Although he didn’t have much of an appetite either, she’d gone to the trouble of preparing a lunch. He straddled the chair and let her serve him.

She placed a plate in front of him. He reached for her hand before she could retreat to the kitchen. “Are you all right?”

“Yeah,” she said. “Are you?”

“Great.”

She sat down next to him, and he began to eat. He made a big production out of doing justice to the turkey sandwich. He feared he might have overplayed his enthusiasm when he gazed up and found her studying his face with a curious expression. “What?”

“Could I tell you something, as a friend, without you taking offense?”

“I hope so.”

She slid her chair closer and rested her hand on his thigh. A smile tugged at the corner of her mouth. He waited for her to make another one of her irresistible passes, which of course, he would playfully decline just to tease her. “You’re the biggest hypocrite on the face of the earth.”

He dropped the sandwich down on the plate and swallowed before he choked. “Excuse me?”

“No one can be responsible for your self-worth. You can’t make someone proud of you. Do those words sound remotely familiar to you?”

Damn, she was clever. She had turned his words against him. With a flip of his hand, he dismissed the point. “You think I’m upset about what we discussed before? I don’t need my family’s approval to justify my life.”

“I know you don’t need it, Jack,” she said softly. “But, somewhere, deep inside, you want it.”

She pushed her chair back from the table and left the kitchen. Her perception was brilliant and her timing, superb. She exited before he could deny her charge, thus forcing him to rethink how he felt.

Did he want their approval? For the last ten years, he had convinced himself otherwise. But that small voice in his head, that same voice that had been mocking him for the past two weeks, scorned him again. Yes, he wanted it—on his terms.

Year after year, he put his life on the line, going right out to the edge and then taking one more step. He never stopped to ask himself why, but he knew the answer. He wanted their respect. Only he never got it, and most likely never would. Perhaps he should take his own advice and stop trying. He had done a lot of good in the past few years.

* * * *

Lilly squatted down in front of the strawberry patch and began to pull at the thick weeds. Small forest animals used the patch for food, and she found quite a few half-eaten berries on the ground. After the thorough weeding, she began to harvest the ripened fruit. The chore allowed her let off a little steam.

She’d left Jack to brood over her parting words, figuring he would come after her and deny the accusation. A half an hour later, it dawned on her that he might be upset, so she checked on him. Rather than brooding, the louse had taken a nap like he didn’t have a care in the world. She threw another strawberry in the bowl.

If she kept taking her frustrations out on the berries they would only be good for jelly.

So much for her woman’s intuition. She didn’t understand him. He must feel something for her. The way he touched her, the way he held her, weren’t the actions of an indifferent man. But caring wasn’t the same as loving, and she had to resign herself to the fact that he might not be capable of more.

She thought about his work. A dull ache washed over her. Did she really want to spend her days waiting around for him to return from one of his crusades?

Determined to make the best of a temporary situation, she carried the bowl back into the house. Jack, now awake, sat in an easy chair, going over the file.

He glanced up from the papers and smiled. “What have you been doing?”

She held the plastic container proudly above her head so he could see the result of her hard work. “Wait until you see these plump red beauties close up.”

“I can’t wait,” he muttered.

Even across the long room Lilly knew his gaze rested about eighteen inches lower than her raised arms. He wasn’t reading the writing on her JETS tee shirt either. The fact that he stared at her breasts caused them to stand at attention, giving added dimension to the J and S.

“Is it nippy out, Lilly?”

She lowered her arms and head at the same time. “You’re impossible.”

“I know. So why don’t you bring those plump red beauties over here, and we can get some work done.”

“I didn’t realize making love to me was such a chore.”

He dropped the papers on the floor. “I’m impossible?” he croaked out. “I was referring to bringing the strawberries over here and working on the file.”

“Oh.”

“I like your idea better.” He waved her over and patted the arm of the chair. Lilly left the bowl in the kitchen and joined him. She sat between his legs and rested her head against his chest. Warm breath tickled her neck, and his powerful arms surrounded her and pinned her close.

For the moment, he seemed content to just hold her. He ran his fingers along the hem of her shorts, lost in his own thoughts. She sensed something bothered him. Several times, he seemed about to say something and then lapsed into a deeper silence.

“Is something wrong, Jack?”

“I was wondering if….” He paused and shook his head. “What are your plans?”

Whatever Jack originally intended to say, she might never know. If it had to do with the case, she really didn’t want to. At least, not right now. “You mean, like today? I plan to charm the pants off you, Murphy.”

“And to think, I once called you repressed.”

“Perhaps when this is all over, I can get a job with Chantal. Do you think I could make a good living turning tassels for the men? I have to pay off those credit card bills somehow.”

“I’ll pay the damn bills,” he snapped. His anger arose out of nowhere, surprising her in its intensity.

She tilted her head back to see dark eyes glowering down at her. If she didn’t know better, she’d think him jealous. “It was a joke, Jack.”

He stared for a long moment and then grinned like a naughty child, caught in the act. “I’m sorry. I’ve lost my sense of humor lately.”

“You mean you had one once?” She poked a finger in his ribs, and he reflexively released her. His face brightened with vengeful glee, but before he could retaliate, she quickly slipped off his lap. She strolled across the carpet, adding a sassy little wiggle to her step.

“You’re asking for trouble,” he warned. He sprung from the chair with the speed and grace of a jaguar.

She darted behind the table and readied herself for a retreat in either direction. “Not unless you run to the drug store first.”

Jack dodged to the right, and Lilly followed suit, keeping him on the opposite side of the table. “I suppose you wouldn’t believe me if I said I’d pull out—”

“Don’t try any tired old lines on me, Mr. Murphy. Men have been making promises to women since the dawn of time, and now there are six billion people on this planet.”

Jack laughed and shook his head.

Seeing him smiling and relaxed, she was tempted to risk the possibility.

“Actually, I always keep a spare or two tucked away in my wallet for an emergency,” he offered helpfully.

She pressed one hand to her heart and batted her lashes flirtatiously. “And sex with you qualifies as an emergency?”

“You seemed to think so earlier.”

“That’s because you were on a roll. But I’m told a man peaks at nineteen, so you can only go downhill.”

“It will take me five minutes to prove you wrong.”

“So you say.” She scooted down the hall towards the bedroom, leaving a trail of clothes. Outside the door, she paused. “Put up or shut up.”

Before she made it across the room, he had caught up to her and playfully pushed her onto the bed. He made fast work of his clothes, her clothes and the condom. A devilish grin spread across his face.

“Now you pay.” He snaked his arm around her waist and kept her firmly anchored next to him. If this was his idea of punishment, then she intended to be a very bad girl for the duration of their stay. She could get used to this. Warning bells rang in her head, but she shut out the sounds. Even if this was all they would have, it was enough for her. It had to be.