Kate Sherwood - Dark Horse 01 - Dark Horse (19 page)

D
AN
sleeps through most of the next morning, until Chris calls to arrange to pick him up for the visitation. Dan finds his only suit in the closet, and hopes that it’s appropriate. It’s dark gray, but should it be black? He doesn’t know, and really, he doesn’t care too much. Justin had been with him when he’d bought that suit, so that’s enough for him. He puts minimal effort into shining his shoes and finding an appropriate tie. He ends up wearing one of Justin’s. He guesses they’re his now.

He heads downstairs to wait for Chris, and Robyn comes out to keep him company. She says she’s going to finish up at the barn, then go home and get changed and go to the funeral home. He nods. It’ll be good to see someone he knows, but otherwise he doesn’t really see what Robyn is going to say to him or to Karl and Molly that she couldn’t say at the barn. This entire ritual is beyond his understanding.

Chris arrives, and Dan climbs into his truck, waving goodbye to Robyn. They drive to the funeral home in relative silence, and then Chris parks and walks in with Dan. Dan balks at the front door. Chris stands quietly until he collects himself, and then they go in together. They’re in a central hallway, with rooms to the left and to the right. There are some people Dan thinks he recognizes as Justin’s extended family in the room to the right, but Dan’s eye is drawn to the room on the left, where there is a display of flowers arranged around a coffin.

Somehow, this hadn’t occurred to Dan, and he’s not sure he can handle it. He looks at Chris. “Is that”—he nods toward the coffin—“is that Justin?”

Dan nods. Maybe it’s easier to pretend that he and Justin had some sort of purely spiritual relationship, but truthfully, Dan loved Justin’s body along with the rest of him. He loved the broad shoulders, the strong hands, the muscular limbs, the tight ass, the enthusiastic cock…. Dan steps into a little alcove and grabs for his flask. He’d thought he would try this without alcohol, but that was just foolish. He needs something to numb him a little. Two big swigs, and even before the alcohol hits his bloodstream Dan is a little distracted, a little calmed. The burning in his throat spreads down to his stomach and then out to his arms. Chris stands and watches him quietly.

“I don’t know if I can,” Dan almost whispers. “I mean, I don’t know if I can do the rest of the visitation if I do.”
Chris nods a little. “So,
fuck
the rest of the visitation. Dan, what do you need to do? Do you need to say goodbye to him now? ’Cause if you do, that’s cool, we can keep the doors shut forever if that’s what you need.”

Chris breaks, just a little, but then he pulls himself back together. Dan sees it, and he tries to emulate Chris’s strength. “Will he still be here after? Can I go and do the line, and then see him after, before he goes?”

Chris nods. “Yeah, you can do that.” He pulls his own flask out of his breast pocket and takes a drink. Dan wonders how anyone gets through one of these things sober.

“Okay, let’s do that,” Dan says, and he and Chris go into the room to the right. Karl and Molly are there, and they both break off their conversations when they see Dan come in. He’s tempted to leave again, but he presses on, walks toward them as they walk toward him. Molly gets to him first, and her eyes are dry. She takes his hand, and Dan focuses on resenting her, because if he lets himself care then he knows he’ll fall apart. He tries the same treatment with Karl, tries to feel contempt for the man as he grips Dan’s shoulders, but he can’t help remembering how Karl had been with Justin, how proud he’d been of his achievements, how much true joy he’d taken from seeing Justin happy. Dan knows that these are the people who loved Justin, and he knows that Justin loved them too. Dan has no words for them, but when they hug him he hugs them back, and hopes that they understand.

The funeral director comes out and arranges them in a line. There are indeed a lot of members of Justin’s extended family included. The line ends up wrapping around two full walls of the room. Dan knows that the only people in it who Justin saw more than a couple times a year are Molly, Karl, and himself. Molly is at the end of the line, gripping tight to Karl’s hand, and Dan is beside Karl. Chris comes up and says a few quiet words to each of them, and Dan marvels again at how good the man is at all this. He decides that if the law thing doesn’t work out, Chris has a bright future in the funeral trade.

Then the doors are open, and people start spilling in. Dan recognizes most of them, but a few he doesn’t, and he turns to Karl and Molly in panic. “I forgot—I don’t care what I call myself—what do you guys want me to say?”

They look at him blankly, and Dan smothers a giggle when he realizes that they think he’s just asked if they want him to use an alias. “I mean in terms of my relationship to Justin,” he clarifies.

“Oh.” Karl and Molly exchange a look. “Well, honestly… when we refer to you, we usually call you Justin’s friend.” Molly smiles. “I mean, everyone who knows Justin can figure out what that means, and if they don’t know Justin it isn’t really any of their business.”

Dan doesn’t really like it, but he doesn’t argue. He just needs to get through the day, and he
had
told them he didn’t care, after all. And he doesn’t have a lot of time—the visitors have worked through the extended family quickly and are almost to Dan.

He recognizes them, at least. They’re local eventers. Justin had competed against them when he was younger, and Dan still sees them when he takes horses to schooling shows. He holds out his hand, and Travis shakes it, but Natalie moves in for the hug, and Dan lets her. She’s crying a little when she pulls away, and Dan has to fight his own tears. He’s going to be a mess if this sets him off.

“We’re really going to miss him, Dan. I mean, we already were, but now….” Natalie trails off.
“And I know it’s not a fair trade, but at least people seem to be really looking at the safety issues now. We saw a demonstration on frangible jumps last week, and they looked really good.” Travis seems sincere, and Dan agrees that the new materials make sense.

And then they’re gone, moved on to Karl and Molly, and Dan faces the next person, an elderly woman he doesn’t recognize. He sees Chris hovering in the background in case Dan messes up. He extends his hand and remembers to be gentle when he shakes hers, and then says, “I’m Dan, Justin’s friend.” The “we used to fuck” line is on the tip of his tongue, but he fights it back.

“His friend?” She looks at his placement in the line, and then smirks. “Oh, is that what they’re calling it these days? Well, I’m sorry for your loss especially, then. Lord knows he was a fine-looking young man. So tall….”

The woman’s companion, equally old and delicate, has finished talking to Justin’s uncle, and now she joins the conversation. “Broad shoulders, and such a handsome face,” she says, and both women nod. Dan finds himself nodding along with them, but they look at him as if waiting for his contribution.

He’s tempted to let loose with a rhapsody to Justin’s dick, but he’s pretty sure that would bring Chris down on him, although he’s not sure the women themselves would object. He just says, “Yeah, I’m really going to miss him,” and the ladies move on.

The afternoon continues in a similar vein. Dan finds that he’s too busy trying to find small talk to really feel sad, and the few times people break down in front of him he’s working too hard trying to comfort them to join in. And Chris was right; it is sort of gratifying to see how many people were affected by Justin’s life.

He takes a few breaks, goes and has a drink or two with Chris in the back hallway, but overall the afternoon is more aggravating than painful. Still, he’s relieved to see the grandfather clock’s little hand approaching the eight.

He doesn’t realize how closely he’s been watching the door until he finally sees Jeff’s face appear, and he doesn’t realize how attached he’s gotten to the man until he feels the stab of disappointment when Jeff turns and smiles quietly at Evan as he and Tatiana follow Jeff in. Dan knows he’s been playing with fire, knows he’s not thinking as clearly as he should be due to the combination of grief and alcohol, but he had been looking forward to spending some more time alone with Jeff. Not thinking that anything would happen, necessarily, just basking in the glow of Jeff’s warmth, like a cat in front of a fire. But now Evan is here, and Dan has the uncharitable thought that he’s here more to emphasize his claim on Jeff than to offer condolences.

As soon as Evan is in front of him, Dan feels bad for being so petty. The guy is so genuine, so… Dan wants to call him wholesome, although that doesn’t seem quite right given Dan’s firsthand experience with his pick-up techniques. But even then, he’d seemed sincere, too intense, but not sleazy. And he’s the same way now. Just the fact that he’s here is too much. It’s insane that he flew half way across the country to pay his respects to a man he never met, all because of a man he’s only spent a handful of hours with. But Dan isn’t arrogant enough to think that he could be an actual threat to Jeff and Evan’s relationship, even if he wanted to be, so he knows Evan isn’t really here to lay claim. He’s here because he’s Evan. He’s over-sized in every way.

Evan seems to be trying to hold back from hugging Dan, but it’s so clearly what he wants to do that Dan just gives up and leans in for it. He’s been hugged tonight by people he’s never even met, so Evan makes sense by comparison. Evan pulls back and looks him in the eye, saying, “Really, so sorry for your loss, Dan. I never got to meet him, but Tat’s such a fan that I feel like I did. I wish I had.”

Dan nods. He’s got his own set of wishes about Justin, and they’re no more likely to come true than Evan’s is. “Thanks for coming, man. It’s a long trip.”

Evan shrugs. “Well, maybe we’ll visit the horses while we’re here. Apparently Tat’s developing a bit of an interest in Sunshine.” Evan smiles and moves over to speak to Karl and Molly, but he keeps a watchful eye on Tatiana as she approaches Dan.

“I hope it’s okay that we came. I realized… I realized that I never told you how I got interested in eventing. It was….” Tatiana seems nervous, looks to Evan, who smiles back gently until she continues. “It was Rolex two years ago. I was watching on TV, and”—she shrugs selfconsciously—“well, obviously Justin caught my eye because he was so good-looking, but what made me want to try the sport was how happy he looked. Not just when he won, but all through. It looked like he really loved every minute of it. Even when they went through that gully, and his face got all splashed with mud, he was smiling the whole time.” She stops, and looks as though she’s torn between the embarrassment of having spoken and the remembered joy of the moment. “He just looked like he was doing exactly what he was meant to do.”

Dan can’t believe it. He’s made it through almost four hours of this shit with his dignity intact, and now some fifteen-year-old is going to break him down? Dan takes a deep, shaky breath. His eyes are filled, but they haven’t spilled over yet, if she just moves on he might be okay.

She’s on her way, her feet are moving, and then she looks back and says softly, “You were so lucky to have known him,” and Dan is done. He’s just crying now but he can feel the sobs building and knows he needs to get out of there. Karl is looking concerned and is guiding Tatiana away, and Dan heads out. There’s hardly anyone left in line but he doesn’t care anyway. He gropes his way to the back hallway but that’s not far enough away, so he keeps going, finds the back door and pushes through it. Once he’s outside he turns and slams his body into the side of the building, raises one hand over his head and punches the brick wall, sobs wracking his body. Justin is gone. Dan
was
lucky to have known him, lucky to have loved him, incredibly lucky to have been loved back, and now it’s all over, and Dan is alone, and he doesn’t know if he can stand it.

He’s crying so hard his whole chest hurts, and he wants to stop but he can’t. Justin is gone; his smile is gone; his laugh is gone; his stupid little smirk that made Dan so mad is gone. He hits the wall again, and he can hear himself making a strange sound, a sort of whining growl. Justin’s never going to kiss him again, never going to get that mischievous look as he runs his hands down Dan’s stomach, never going to touch Dan again, and he really doesn’t know how he’s supposed to accept that. Dan’s sobs are almost gasps for air, and he feels his knees giving out, and he just doesn’t care, letting himself slide sideways down the wall. He doesn’t get that far, though, before he feels strong hands catching his arms, gently lifting him up. Dan almost fights them, wants to hit the ground and wallow there and wait until his heart finally explodes and kills him so he can be with Justin, but he’s too tired to fight. He just slumps, instead, and the pain is still there and the sobs are still coming, but Dan can feel warm bodies on both sides of him, can feel his arms being propped across their shoulders as he is walked over to a windowsill and sat down on it, the bodies quickly turning and sitting on either side of him, propping him up.

Dan doubles over and braces his elbows on his knees, his forehead against his arms, and he keeps crying. There is a soothing hand rubbing his back, and then he hears a crunch of feet and something cool and damp is draped over his neck. A couple of times he thinks maybe he’s done and takes a deep breath, but then the sobs build again, and he’s back at it.

Finally, it’s over. He feels exhausted, but his control is back. Something is pressed into his hand, and he hears Jeff’s voice saying, “Okay, kid, take a drink now.” He’s still bent over, but he sits up a little and obediently lifts the bottle to his lips. He chokes when the cool liquid runs over his tongue.

Jeff’s hand stops rubbing his back and starts patting a little. “Let’s take a little break from that, kid. You can only put things off for so long.” He guides Dan’s hand so the bottle comes to his mouth again, and Dan obediently takes another sip. Now that he knows what’s coming, the water is welcome. He reaches one hand up and finds the handkerchief that someone had soaked and put on his neck, and he pulls it around to wash over his face. The cloth isn’t cool anymore, but it’s still better than nothing. When he’s done he just holds it in his hand, but Jeff gently takes it and the bottle from him, pours some more water on and wrings it out, then gives it back to him. This time it
is
cool on his face, and he almost starts crying again in gratitude.