Kate Sherwood - Dark Horse 01 - Dark Horse (21 page)

D
AN
wakes to the buzz of his alarm. He’d told Robyn that he would take the morning feeding and clean the stalls. She’s been working overtime to cover for Dan
and
the Archers, and she deserves a break. He stumbles out to the kitchen, puts the coffee on, and then stares at the wall while it brews. His eyes eventually move to the couch, and he thinks of Jeff the night before, the pull between them… and then he jerks his mind back abruptly. He is not going to start the day of Justin’s funeral thinking about another man. He goes into the bedroom and trades his sweatpants for the jeans he’d worn the night before, then finds a not-too-dirty sweatshirt and some clean socks. The phone rings as he’s heading back to the kitchen, and he picks it up without checking the caller ID. “Hello.”

Dan puts the phone next to the coffee pot, waits for it to gurgle, then brings the phone back to his ear. “Hear that? The coffee is almost done. Hear this?” He grabs one of his boots and clomps it on the floor. “Boots going on. And the next sound you hear will be the dial tone, ’cause I’m hanging up. Okay?”

Dan hangs up the phone, pulls his boots on and pours the coffee into a travel mug. As soon as his hand touches the barn door the horses start rumbling, weaving back and forth in their stalls and tossing their heads. “You guys are such fakers.” Dan tells the barn in general. “Acting like you’re starving to death.” He wheels the hay cart out and starts at the far end, tossing a few flakes into each stall, offering each horse some friendly words. After the hay, comes the sweet feed, the stuff the horses are
really
after. The walls of the stalls flip up in little portals right above the food buckets, so Dan is able to give each horse its proper amount without going into the stalls, and it doesn’t take long to zip down the aisle.

Once the horses are fed, the excited rumblings are replaced by peaceful chomping sounds. The half-hour or so that it takes them to finish their breakfast is usually downtime for the person looking after them. Supplies can be checked and replenished. The day’s riding can be planned, but there’s nothing directly horse-related to be done. When Dan and Justin were on morning-feed duty, this became their time to make out. Not trying to get anywhere, no big sex scene in mind, just standing up against the wall, leaning into each other, relearning the feel of the other’s body, the taste of each other’s mouths. They’d take breaks to talk and laugh, and Dan used to like to nuzzle in to the crook of Justin’s neck and just breathe him in, the faint scent of his skin somehow more powerful than the stronger smells of the barn. Sometimes they’d get carried away and things would escalate, change from peaceful and quiet to intense and heated, but mostly they’d just have one last kiss and then separate, getting back to the ordinary world that existed around their little bubble.

Dan isn’t sure what he’s doing, doesn’t know if it’s self-indulgent to let himself get sad again. He knows he could put it out of his mind if he really had to. If he wasn’t alone, he wouldn’t do this. But somehow thinking about it all, sad as it makes him, almost feels good, like pressing a bruise or wiggling a loose tooth. He leans up against the wall, arches his head back into it, and thinks of Justin’s face, so close he’s blurred, nuzzling and touching, hands roaming everywhere, knowing that Dan’s body was his, and that his body was Dan’s. They’d almost seemed to melt together sometimes, so tangled up that they couldn’t be sure where one began and the other ended.

Dan’s crying again, and he thinks of Chris’s warning about dehydration and smiles a little. He runs a hand across his neck and down over his chest, slow and sure, just the way Justin would have, but it’s not the same. Of course it’s not the same, and it’s never going to be the same again. He knows he’s still good-looking, and recent events with Jeff have made it all too clear that he’s still capable of wanting someone, but he’s not stupid enough to confuse love and lust. He’d truly loved Justin, and he knows that people are lucky to find that kind of thing once in a lifetime. He really doesn’t think he’s special enough to be the one to find it twice.

A horse down the aisle kicks his stall door impatiently, and Dan glances at his watch in surprise and then smiles. That’s how things usually ended with Justin, too, with one of them unable to ignore the horses any longer. “Back to work, baby,” Dan murmurs, and then he pushes off the wall and gets on with his day.

D
AN
has to hurry to finish the barn work and get himself showered and dressed in time for Chris to pick him up. He’d planned it that way, hoping that the tight schedule would keep him from having time to think about what was about to happen.

His suit isn’t exactly crisp after his abuse of it the day before, but the steam from the shower has made it wearable, and Dan isn’t too worried. Justin had liked him a little rumpled. He fills his flask and puts it in his suit pocket, then pulls it out and takes a healthy swig, then another. He refills it and puts it back in his pocket and is just heading down the stairs when Chris pulls up.

Chris’s eyes are a little red, and Dan is disgusted with himself. He’s been so busy with his own grief that he really hasn’t been the friend Chris deserves. Justin was part of Chris’s life for a long time before Dan had shown up, and Dan’s been acting like he’s the only person who’s lost someone. He’s not really sure how to make it better.

“Hey, Chris, how’re you doing?” It sounds fake to Dan, and from the look of things, it doesn’t sound any better to Chris.
“What?” Chris makes an impatient face, and Dan recognizes the irritability defense. He’s been using it a fair bit himself.
“I just meant, you know… you’ve been really great for all of my shit, and, you know, if you need to… I don’t know—” Dan breaks off, then tries again. “You must be feeling terrible, too… obviously.” This is getting ugly, and Chris is just staring at him. “I suck at this.”
Chris nods. “You really do.” He puts the truck in gear and they pull out.
They’re on the highway heading for town when before Chris talks again. “How’s Jeff?”
Dan frowns. “I dunno. Last I saw of him he was riding Ranger back to your place.”
“You haven’t heard from him today? I thought you guys were in pretty close contact.”
“What are you talking about? You’re the one who’s calling him up to tell him about macaroni and cheese.” Dan knows what Chris is getting at, but he’s not sure he wants to acknowledge it.
“Yeah, okay.” Chris is good at making his opinion clear without using a lot of words. Dan’s never seen him in a courtroom, but he bets he’s pretty impressive.
“Chris….”
“He seems like a good guy, Danny. That’s all I’m saying.”
Dan can’t really argue with that. “Well, yeah.”
They’re pulling off the highway and heading into town now, and Dan is starting to feel a bit shaky. He pulls out his flask for a quick swallow.
Chris glances over. “You’d better not finish that before I get parked.”
Dan sloshes it, letting Chris hear how full it still is. Chris is apparently satisfied, and they finish the drive to the church without further conversation. They park, have a drink, and head in. The guy who’d handled them at the funeral home is somehow involved in this stage of the proceedings, too, and he’d asked them to arrive about a half-hour before the service. Chris and Dan had decided on their own to shorten that to fifteen minutes. There was only so much standing around and thinking about things that either one of them wanted to do.
They’re greeted at the front door by the anxious funeral director. He’s doing a good job trying to remain pleasant, but Dan can tell he’s upset as he charges ahead of them and leads them to a room in the back of the church. Dan glances at Chris, who shrugs back, and whispers, “It’s not like Justin’s got something else scheduled.”
Dan rolls his eyes, and it probably isn’t good that they’re both snickering a little when they’re escorted into the room where Justin’s parents are sitting with the pastor, surrounded by all the aunts and uncles. Molly gives them a stern look, but Karl smiles as he stands to introduce them to the pastor.
“Paul, this is Chris, and Dan. They’re Justin’s friends.” Karl seems to realize that the terminology isn’t quite adequate to the situation, but for once, Dan kind of likes it. It might be ambiguous, but it eliminates the strange hierarchy of grief that he’d been thinking about, makes it clear that Chris has just as much reason to be sad as he does. Dan may never have another lover like Justin, but Chris will probably never have another friend like him, either.
The pastor nods in a friendly way and then touches Dan’s arm. “I couldn’t make it to the visitation last night, but I was there in the afternoon, and I saw some of the photographs. You were obviously a very loving couple.” Then he turns to Chris. “And I saw a few of you, too, I think… were you the little hellion in the soccer uniform, with the eggs?”
Chris grins. “Justin started that….”
The pastor nods in exaggerated understanding. “Oh, I’m sure he did.” Then he smiles a little and gets down to business. He goes over the order of service and what will be expected at various times, and Dan nods when it seems expected, even though he isn’t really listening.
He knows Justin grew up coming to this church, at least occasionally, but he hadn’t ever been since Dan knew him. And Dan had never really gone to any church at all. It seems like a strange blend, all these practical considerations of who sits where and when, combined with the casual talk of God’s love and life everlasting. Dan wonders if God really cares who sits in the first, second, and third rows. He’s pretty damn sure Justin doesn’t.
He’s a bit relieved to hear that there won’t be pallbearers, since there are too many stairs in the church. But the rest of it just sort of drones through him, and he doesn’t even try to pay attention. If he needs to do something, he’s sure he’ll be reminded.
Finally, the pastor is done, and the funeral director starts arranging people. He places Dan in line and reaches out to straighten his tie, and Dan just stares at him. He wonders if the guy has a weird perspective on humanity, if he’s gotten so used to seeing everyone at their worst that he just thinks that people are permanently weepy and dazed. The order of the lineup is about the same as at the visitation, except that Chris is next to Dan, which makes things infinitely better.
Dan can hear music being played somewhere, slow, dragging organ music that has nothing to do with Justin. The pastor stands by the door as the funeral director herds them all out, and his face is kind. He looks like somebody that Dan could talk to, if he had anything to say.
They file into the sanctuary and everyone turns to stare at them. Karl is right in front of Dan, and he’s pretty big, so Dan tries to walk really close to him and scrunch down a little. They get to their seats, and Dan is glad to be in the front row if only because then nobody can see his face.
The casket is there, but Dan doesn’t feel any more attachment to it or its contents than he had the night before. If Dan wants a physical memento of Justin’s life, he knows he’ll be more likely to find it at the barn somewhere. He thinks of the jumps he and Justin had built, the fences they’d repaired, the roof they’d put on the Archer house three summers ago. But all of those things are going to be torn down soon, lost to the developers’ bulldozers.
Then Dan thinks of the horses. He thinks of all the hours he and Justin spent with each one, building their muscles with exercise, developing new neural pathways with training, making them into the highly developed athletes they’ve become. The horses wouldn’t be what they are without Justin’s sweat and skill and love, and that makes them more a part of Justin than the empty body lying at the front of the church.
And the horses are being sold, just like the farm itself, but they’re being sold together, and they’re going to a good home. Robyn’s going with them, and Dan knows that she’ll make sure they’re taken care of, but he’s not sure that’s enough. He and Justin worked together on those horses. They built them from raw materials. The horses are theirs, his and Justin’s, and they’re Justin’s living memorial.
Everyone around him has their heads bowed, and Dan realizes that they’ve been asked to pray, but he keeps looking straight ahead, staring at the casket. He’s never been religious. He’s not going to start now, just because it would be comforting. He thinks about the horses, and he smiles a little.
Then the prayer is over, and Chris is standing up and moving to the front of the sanctuary. He takes a minute to collect himself, and then he looks out over the assembly and starts talking. His voice is relaxed and doesn’t seem loud, but Dan can feel the words in his bones.
“I was honored when Karl and Molly asked me to speak about Justin, but I was also a bit intimidated. I know how important Justin is to me, but I also know how much he means to so many other people, and I don’t know that there are enough words in the world for all that love. But I’ll do the best I can, and then at the end there’s gonna be some time for you all to come up here and try to fill in the gaps.
“I’ve never been as involved with horses as Justin was, but I spent enough time around him and his that I learned a lot. And one thing I learned from listening to them is how important it is for a horse to have heart. I’ve seen Justin and Dan ripping their hair out over a horse that has everything going for him but just doesn’t seem to care enough to be the best, and I’ve seen them both light up when they’re riding a horse that doesn’t have all the natural gifts of the other, but that has heart enough to try, no matter what.
“And then sometimes, so rarely, they’d come across a horse that had both, a horse that had all the gifts, but also had the heart to make it all work. And I think Justin was the human equivalent of that horse. He was good-looking, smart, athletic… but he also had a huge heart. He lived with intensity and passion, and he got everyone around him caught up his enthusiasm. But he wasn’t flaky about it. He wasn’t just charisma with no substance. He’d put the work in too. He’d have the big ideas, and then he’d work his ass off to make them into reality. Karl and Molly know about this. They know how driven he was to be the best.” Chris pauses and smiles down at Justin’s parents, and they nod back up at him before he continues. “People talk about law being a demanding profession, but I know I’d call Justin in the morning when I got to the office, and he’d already have been working for a couple hours, and I’d drop by the barn after work, and he’d still be going strong. He knew what he wanted. He knew how to get there, and he wasn’t going to let anything get in the way.”
Chris takes a little break, has a sip of water from the glass the pastor had given him. “You guys might remember him applying that philosophy to his personal life too. Do you remember when he and Dan started up?” Chris’s eyes are wet as he grins down at Dan’s blushing face. “D’ya remember, Danny?” Chris looked back up at the rest of the audience. “They’d gone out, maybe, what? Twice? And Justin said I had to meet him. So we went out for beers, and we were sitting there, and Justin started going on about all these plans he had, all these things they could do together once Dan quit his job and started working with Justin, and how they’d be a great team, and Dan could move in with him, and it’d all be excellent. And Dan was just sitting there staring at him like he was a lunatic. And so was I, ’cause I’d been friends with Justin forever, and I’d never seen him be anything but totally casual about anybody. But he was right, wasn’t he, Danny?” Chris is tearing up again, and he takes another sip of water before he almost whispers, “‘Sometimes you just know.’”
Chris takes a deep breath before continuing. “And them being such a great team was a big part of what got them to Rolex. Justin had been talking about that damn competition since I can remember, and for him to get to ride there and do well and have Dan, his parents, and all his friends there with him… it was just… golden.” Chris pauses again, but this time it’s like he’s enjoying a happy memory. But then he continues. “And the next year, it all fell apart. But even then… I know people have secondguessed every damn thing about that day, about that jump, but… I really think it was just Justin riding the way that he lived, with effort and commitment and
heart
.”
Chris needs another break, but then he looks up and seems to have himself under control. “So, that’s how I’m going to remember Justin. That’s how I think he’d
want
to be remembered. And now it’s your turn—I know Karl and Molly have talked to several of you who would like a chance to speak. I think I’m just going to turn it back over to the pastor to handle that.”
Chris comes down from the podium and sits down next to Dan, and Dan reaches his arm out and wraps it around Chris’s neck. When Chris’s head slouches down toward Dan’s shoulder, he bends his arm at the elbow so his hand can come up and rest on Chris’s head. They’re both crying, but they’re okay.
Nobody really wants to follow Chris, but eventually a few volunteer, and Dan sits and pretends to listen to them, and he’s sure they’re saying nice things, but he doesn’t really pay attention. He’s got his own memories of Justin. He doesn’t need to hear somebody else’s.
Eventually there’s a hymn, and a closing prayer, and then the family is being escorted out, returned to the little room in the back of the church. Dan and Chris duck into a side hallway on the way to have a quick drink and try to brace themselves for the next step. Dan thinks they’re in trouble when Molly appears, having come back to look for them, but Chris wordlessly extends the flask in her direction, and Molly just nods and takes a deep pull. She shakes her head as if to clear it.
“You doing all right, Molly?” Dan knows he can’t make up for neglecting everyone, but at least he can show a little concern.
“As well as can be expected, I guess.” Molly shakes her head again, and Dan notices how much she has aged. “I wanted to find you, Dan. We haven’t talked much, since… well, maybe we’ve never really talked all that much. But I wanted to tell you; I wanted to make sure you knew….” She’s still holding the flask, and she takes another drink. “Karl and I weren’t sure, when you first came around. I mean, it was like Chris said, it just all happened so fast, and Justin was so sure, and he didn’t seem to be seeing any possible downside, and we didn’t know much about you, and… we just didn’t want to see him get hurt.”
Dan nods. This is nothing new. But then Molly continues. “But I wanted to make sure that you knew, because I don’t know if we ever told you… we’re happy that Justin had you in his life. Chris talked about how intense he was, and he’s right, that was a great thing, but sometimes… sometimes it seemed like it was maybe a little much. But with you, he just slowed down a little, and he enjoyed things a little more. He seemed… content. He was still driven in every other way, but he seemed to know he’d found what he needed in you, so he could stop looking; stop working so hard.” She smiles, and squeezes Dan’s arm gently. “You were really good for him.”
Dan doesn’t really know what to say. And damn it, he’s crying again. But he brings his hand up to hers, and he tells her, “We were good for each other.”
She nods. “Yes, I think you were.” Then she shakes her head once more, and the softness falls out of her tone. “All right, then. Enough of this hiding. We’re supposed to be in the church hall by now. And Karl will think I’ve gotten lost.” She starts of down the hallway, and Dan and Chris follow in her wake.
They make it to the church hall and find people standing around in awkward clusters. Molly finds Karl and loops her hand through his arm, and he smiles bravely at her.
Dan sees Jeff, Evan, and Tatiana near the door, looking like they might be on their way out. He heads over to them, Chris trailing behind, and he tries to smile when he gets there. “Thanks again for coming all this way, guys.” He feels a bit awkward, but he continues. “Jeff, again… I’m sorry I’ve been such a mess, but, seriously, thank you for everything.” Jeff shakes his head gently, but Dan isn’t quite finished. “And, Evan, uh, I know I’ve been a total pain about it, and if you’ve reconsidered I totally understand, but if the job’s still open—I’d like to take it.” They all turn to him in surprise, even Chris, and Dan shrugs a little. “I decided during the service. I want to stay with the horses… if that’s all right?”