Kate's Song (32 page)

Sarah offered her lacy handkerchief to Nathaniel, as if Solomon’s was somehow not good enough. “Oh, sis yusht! Look at your mouth. You need some ice.” She touched his jaw, and he recoiled as if she had burned him.

She pretended not to notice and stuffed the handkerchief into her apron. “Where could we get ice, do you think?”

Aaron patted Nathaniel on the shoulder. “Give them time to calm down. In a few days we will all apologize to each other and get over it. Elmer is childish and deerich. I think we can all forgive someone so young.”

“Jah, he has always been Kate’s champion,” Ada said. “Even when she didn’t deserve it sometimes. It is good he isn’t baptized. That kind of behavior could get him excommunicated.”

Nathaniel searched for something, anything, to justify his conclusions about Kate. Nothing came to mind. He pictured Kate as he had last seen her.

Maria
has a baby.

Faces, buildings, noises—everything around Nathaniel vanished. Solomon Weaver’s words spiraled around him in slow motion, filling his mouth and nostrils, suffocating him. He couldn’t tell how long he stood there, not blinking, not breathing, not knowing whether he was dead or alive. It was her friend’s baby? It was her friend’s sin?

With perfect clarity, Nathaniel recalled Kate’s voice on the phone.

“I want you to hear the whole story about Jared.”

“I know about what happened with the boyfriend.”

“But I want you to understand.”

He staggered as the weight of the world flattened him. Did Kate think he had rejected her because of Jared’s death? Because she had defended herself and saved a life?

She had phoned him. She had tried to explain, to make things right, and he had washed his hands of her before she could even speak. His reaction had been swift and cruel.

Why, after everything he’d done to her, would Kate choose baptism?

The answer charged at Nathaniel like a wild bull.
The buggy accident.
He had been helping Elmer with the injured horse when Kate’s gaze had compelled him to look up. His heart raced at the memory. Light had surrounded her entire being. He recalled her glowing countenance with vivid, bright clarity. Her lips formed the words “I love you,” and he had never experienced such elation in the midst of chaos. She had received an answer to her prayers. And he had crushed her very will.

Nathaniel felt his soul crack. “Kate, oh my Kate, what have I done?”

His mouth formed the words, but no sound came out.

Aaron glanced at him. “Did you say something?”

Ada and Sarah fussed over Nathaniel’s bloody lip without touching him. They wrung their hands and wondered if he would need stitches and did their best to convince him that he should retreat indoors where it was warm and he could elevate his feet. He brushed them aside and strode away with long, purposeful steps.

“Is this the thanks I get?” he heard Sarah say behind him—but he no longer had words for her.

He panted as if he ran a long, tortuous race. Not caring which way he went, he trudged on, aching for a place to hide, to flee where the iron hand of guilt could not seize and smother him. When he came to the edge of an empty field, he quickened his pace. A single drop of water slapped the back of his neck. Still he pressed forward. Soon the icy rain speckled his royal-blue shirt and began dripping off the brim of his hat.

He halted and looked around. With the rain falling sharply, the pavilions became blurs in the distance, and he remained the only human being as far as his eye could see. He bowed his head as despair overpowered him. Then he looked up into the sky and wept bitterly.

“Three weeks. Three whole weeks you’ve been in Millersburg, and you haven’t gone to one singing,” Hannah said, clearing the plates from the table like a seasoned busboy.

“Sit, relax,” Kate said. “I’ll do the dishes.”

“I’m pregnant, not crippled.”

Kate turned on the water and began to fill the sink. “You’ll wear yourself out. We want to keep the little one in the oven a bit longer.”

Hannah’s husband, Vernon, had tucked in two thick pork chops and four helpings of corn before kissing his wife and trudging out to the barn to help his dat finish the milking.

Hannah eased herself into a chair to supervise while Kate scraped the plates. “Like as not, the small brush will work better,” she said, pointing Kate to the bottom drawer. “I’ve got six more weeks yet and I already feel bigger than a house. I can’t even turn over in bed without Vernon giving me a push.”

“You look beautiful. You’re practically glowing.”

It seemed Hannah couldn’t supervise the dish washing from the vast distance of five feet. She climbed from her seat and stood by Kate. “Like this,” she said, showing Kate for the tenth time how she liked the sink filled. “
Die youngie
have their crowd tonight at Rabers’. Three or four boys have asked Vernon about you. They think you are pretty.” Hannah went back to the table for the dirty silverware. “Vernon could ask one of the boys from the factory to take you.”

“Dat made me promise not to go to any youth groups.”

“He did not,” Hannah said.

Kate sunk the plates into the soapy water. “He doesn’t want me to marry a Holmes County boy who will keep me in Ohio for the rest of my life.”

Hannah’s eyes sparkled, and she shook her head in mock indignation. “That would not be so bad.”

Kate’s younger sister had fallen in love with an Ohio Amish boy—a great misfortune, according to Dat—and she now lived quite contently “back East somewhere,” as Dat often reminded them. Hannah’s residence was a small apartment connected to her in-laws’ house and, with her expecting her first child, it was just right for a young family starting out.

“A pretty girl like you attracts attention. It’s not fair to the boys to keep to this house like a hermit.” Hannah brushed the crumbs off the table and into her hand. “Use the blue rag for the flatware. I’m sure Ben Hostetler would bring the buggy around for you. He is only seventeen, but he knows all the older boys.”

Kate couldn’t keep up the cheerful façade. She slumped her shoulders and sighed. “I’m not ready.”

Hannah grabbed a dish towel from the drawer. “How long before you are ready?”

Kate shook her head.

“Oh,” Hannah sidled over to give Kate a hug. “You need to try harder with the boys, that’s all.” Hannah set the dish towel on the counter and cupped Kate’s chin in her hand. “I miss the old Katie who used to sing all the day and bury herself under the sheets and giggle with me late at night when we were supposed to be asleep. Or the girl who used to put on secret shows for me and Elmer and the puppies. Remember how we scrambled up to the loft and hid if we spied Aaron coming?”

Kate nodded. “I still do that.”

“Like as not, the youth gathering would cheer you up. You have lost your spark. It is almost Christmas, and you have no Christmas cheer.”

“Mrs. Crawford will give me more hours at the store if I want.”

“You work plenty already, and you are a big help with the housework. You clean gute. Like as not, once you get married, you’ll get better with the cooking.”

Kate wiped the table and counters while Hannah put away the clean dishes. She wouldn’t even entertain talk of marriage. With Nathaniel lost to her, finding another boy was out of the question. Who would measure up?

Tears stung her eyes as she vigorously wiped every surface in the kitchen. Why had she let Nathaniel wander into her thoughts? She could function perfectly well if he stayed locked away in her memories. Unfortunately, he escaped several times a day to torment her. She wished his life had never touched hers. Better to be ignorant of what might have been.

“I’ll get it,” Hannah said as she hurried to the front room.

Kate hadn’t even heard a knock.

She rinsed her rag in the soapy water and wiped the windowsill above the sink. Hannah wouldn’t find one speck of dirt in this kitchen.

“Kate, you have a visitor.”

Kate turned. Standing there, as if he had materialized simply because she was thinking of him, was Nathaniel King. Hannah took one look at Kate’s face and, without a word, tiptoed down the hall and into her bedroom.

For an eternal moment Kate and Nathaniel stared at each other, and Kate’s heart disintegrated into a million pieces all over again. Turning her back on him, she covered her mouth with her hand to stop a sob that threatened to escape her lips. Why had he come?

“Please,” he said, so softly she wasn’t altogether sure she had heard it. “Please, Kate,” he repeated. “Do anything but turn away from me.”

Kate could never refuse anything Nathaniel asked of her. She slowly turned to face him, with tears spilling down her cheeks.

His glacier-blue eyes with his shaggier-than-usual hair and day’s growth of dark beard pierced her defenses. He was even more handsome than she remembered.

While she’d been away in Milwaukee, she had pictured him wearing the eternal smile that could melt her down to her toenails. He was not smiling now. He looked like a man who had walked through perdition—beaten down and broken beyond repair.

For a minute, Kate wondered if he was going to say anything. He gazed at her, a thousand different tragedies reflected in his eyes. “I’m so sorry.” His deep voice wavered, but it was still the most beautiful music Kate ever heard.

She folded her arms and stared down the hall where Hannah had disappeared. “The damage has been done. Why open the wounds again?” Or did he want to inflict new ones?

His voice spoke of anguish. “I can never atone for the pain I have forced on you, but I beg your forgiveness anyway.”

Kate could barely find the composure to speak. “If the thought of being with a woman who has killed a man is disgusting to you, I cannot blame you.”

“Kate, I thought… How can I tell you this?” Nathaniel reached out his hands then dropped them to his side.

Kate still loved him, heaven help her. She still loved him more than life itself, and she couldn’t bear to watch him suffer. “If you came to do penance, I wish you wouldn’t have. I just want to forget you.”

He looked as if she had slapped him across the face.

“How can I ever be whole again when the mere sight of you rips a fresh wound in my heart?” Kate said. “Please go away and don’t come back.”

“Kate.” Her name burst from his lips. “Will you hear what I have to say?”

Kate brushed an imaginary crumb off the cupboard.

“And then I promise to trouble you no further.”

Kate wrapped her arms tightly around her chest to shield her heart against his crippling influence.

Nathaniel anxiously fingered the hat in his hands. “There were rumors and gossip. I shouldn’t have listened. Someone saw that man from Milwaukee touching you.”

“Carlos?”

“Jah. I came to town to find you, to find the truth. I saw you with him. I thought he was your boyfriend and the baby was your baby. I could not bear the thought.” He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration.

“You believed I had a baby?”

Nathaniel hung his head. “I am ashamed at how ready I was to believe.”

She backed away from him. “I tried to call you to explain. Why wouldn’t you listen?”

“I feared that if I heard your voice, my resolve to do right would weaken. I cannot resist you.” Nathaniel hung his head. “You cannot understand how my sins have tortured me. This is my doing. I confess it all, even though the confession might make you hate me forever.”

Kate could not bear to watch his torment one more minute. “How could I ever in a million years hate you?” She kept her gaze steadily on Nathaniel’s face. “I forgive you. Don’t be troubled by this anymore. You can go back to Wisconsin with a clear conscience.”

And marry Sarah and have children and live a happy life. Without me there.

“How can I to return to Wisconsin without you? I love you, Kate.”

Kate pressed her hand against her cheek as she felt the blood drain from her face. Her fingers were ice-cold. She swayed unsteadily and, in alarm, Nathaniel rushed toward her and wrapped his solid arms around her. All thoughts of guarding her heart vanished. She didn’t care the reason. It felt glorious to have him close again. Savoring his powerful presence, she regained her balance, but he did not release his hold.

His mouth was close to her ear when he whispered, “Kate, can you ever love me again?”

Nathaniel did not seem to mind that Kate was soaking his clean white shirt with her tears. “I have never for one day stopped loving you,” she said.

She felt his arms tighten around her. “Then will you have me? Again and forever?”

“Even though I killed someone?”

“To save another. That would never stop me from loving you. I want you more than ever. Even if you don’t want me.”

“Of course I want you. I would do anything for you, Nathaniel King.”

She looked up.
There
was the smile she ached for. He slowly lowered his face to hers. Their lips met with a tenderness Kate had not dreamed possible. The weeks of heartbreak and uncertainty, the pain of wasted days, and the despair of unfulfilled dreams released her like winter surrenders its ruthless grip on the frozen earth in early spring.

Did every first kiss hold such promise? Well, technically the second kiss, but it was decidedly better than the first.

Nathaniel pulled away to catch his breath. “I have wanted to do that for eleven years. This time I did not have to chase you around the playground.” He flashed his white teeth. “It was better than I ever imagined.”

She wrapped her arms around his neck and tugged him nearer to her heart. “Me too.”

“How could I have been so foolish? I almost proposed to Sarah.”

“Jah, I heard.”

“I am so ashamed. I made her believe something that could never be. It was cruel of me to pretend. She was hurt, badly hurt.”

“Poor Sarah. I know how it feels to lose you. It is horrible.”

He shuddered and tugged her closer to him, if that was possible.

Kate nuzzled her cheek against his chest. “Ada must have felt it keenly. She had such high hopes.”

“Ada and Aaron had their own troubles. After your dat made known to everyone what he did, Aaron was shunned. He will not embrace humility willingly, but I hope in time he will want to make amends for his grievous sins. I have to reach deep in my heart to forgive him for lying to me and then betraying my confidence about the baby I thought was yours. But forgiveness is easier now that I have you again. In my happiness, I have almost forgotten his transgressions. And I will forget every misery if you say you’ll marry me.”