Katie In Denver (In Denver Series Book 3) (13 page)

I’m waiting for Katie to run through her exercises; she is fighting to regain use of her arm and leg, but it kills me to see her struggle.

“Fuck!” I hear her yell as she falls over for the fifth time. She is trying to work through some yoga poses, but when she switches to her left leg, she doesn’t have the strength or balance not to fall. When I run over to her, she pushes me away.

“Don’t fucking touch me!” she seethes—she is so angry, I’m not sure where all this anger bubbled up from, but she is angry at the world.

“Katie, let me help you,” I say in earnest. I take a step forward again, but she shakes her head.

“It’s been months, Michael. I can’t even walk with a cane without falling. I should have been getting better. Ian told me I would be better,” she sobs. “I can’t live like this, I can’t live not being able to take care of myself and my basic needs. It takes me thirty minutes to brush my teeth and once I’m done my arm hurts so bad I can barely lift it again.” She lies back on her yoga mat. “I miss riding a bike with MJ,” she says in-between sobs. “I miss being able to say, ‘Hey let’s go for a hike or a swim.’ I never realized how much I took those things for granted now that I’m an invalid.”

“You’re not an invalid, baby. This is only week two of your physical therapy. Ian is the best at what he does, but he can’t magically heal you. You’re working your program; you’re getting stronger. Today you only fell five times, yesterday you fell seven. You’re getting better; I see it every day.” 

“Michael, I’m so tired I just want to give up,” she says. I lie down on the floor next to her pulling her hand into mine. 

“Katie, I think you need to talk to someone.” I feel her tense up next to me. “I’m not saying it in a hurtful way, but you almost died. You have been to hell and back these last couple weeks. I haven’t made it any easier, but I think you should talk to a professional.”

She doesn’t say anything to me, but I see the tears rolling down her face silently, I don’t want to push, but I don’t want Katie’s depression to get any worse. I know what it’s like to be down that rabbit hole and once you’re in it feel like there is no way to claw yourself out. Rolling on my side, I give her a quick kiss on the nose and make my way to the den. 

It takes a few rings, but a cheery voice answers on the other end of the line.

“Talk to me,” the female voice says.

“I’m calling for Dr. Franklin. I got your number from Kennedy Kerrigan. This is Michael Kerrigan.” 

“This is Dr. Franklin, what can I do for you?” I hear her breathing is labored.

“Have I called at a bad time?” I ask.

“No, not at all. I’m just finishing up a run. What’s on your mind, Michael?”

“I’m actually calling for my girlfriend, her name is Katie Blackwell. She was in an accident and is having some trouble dealing with the aftermath. She is falling into a depression, and I know she needs to speak to someone.”

“Well,” Dr.Franklin starts. “I’m sure the accident is part of the depression, but I’m pretty sure it started when you left her alone and pregnant at sixteen so you could go party at school. Then I’m sure you popping up and bulldozing your way into her life and the life of a son you didn’t know, threatening her with legal action the one thing she was so scared you would do you went ahead and did, and then after she started to trust you again, you kept fucking up. I tell ya, Mikey, if I had to deal with you and your bullshit on top of almost dying I would be fucking depressed too.” 

I’m so shocked I can’t even speak. I pull the phone away from my ear so I can check the number I dialed.

“I can tell from your silence what I hit the nail on the head. I have worked with two of your brothers. I’m sure you know that so I’m not breaking any confidentiality. I can tell you that you are a topic of conversation more often than not. “So here is what I’m going to tell you: I will see both you and Katie separately, and then I will see both of you together for couple’s therapy. Once I feel like you guys are in a good place, we will bring your son in for family therapy. You guys have been yanking that kid all about without one fig of a care of what he is going through. Before I even see you or Katie, she needs to be back at her own house. No more shacking up and playing house, neither one of you had any business being ina relationship.”

I’m still sitting silently. I sputter when I go to speak, “Lady, you have a lot of nerve. Just who the hell do you think you are?”

I hear the doctor chuckle on the other end of the line. “Oh, Mikey, I find your bluster so funny. Your brother Easton is happily married with kids, your brother Rhydian is happily married with a baby on the way. You are miserable as hell even though you think you have the one thing you want. Katie gave you her trust, and you did everything in your power to self-sabotage. I don’t have to tell you who I think I am, I can tell you that I am fantastic at my profession, and if you want my help you will do what I say or you will lose my number. I have too many people that are begging for my help to waste my time on someone who goes out of their way to destroy their own happiness. Call me when you’re serious,” she says before I hear the beep that lets me know she hung upon me. I sit in the den for a long time thinking about the things that the doctor said to me, and as much as it hurts, she did hit the nail on the head. 

Walking back into the living room, I still see Katie struggling. But more than the physical struggle, I see the mental struggle. 

“Katie, can we sit and talk for a minute?” I ask with hesitation in my voice. She slowly makes her way to the sofa.

I tell her all about my conversation with Dr. Franklin. I can’t tell what the emotion is on her face, but I do see hurt.

“So you want me to move back to my house?” she asks, her dark eyes pinning me with anger.

“Katie, I think it’s for the best that we follow Dr. Franklin’s plan. I’m in this for the long haul.”

“Can you take me home?” she asks; she is angry. “I told you this before the accident that’s why I didn’t want to move, but you kept forcing the issue because you always know best.”

I try talking to her, but it’s pointless—she is once again right. I pushed what I wanted, and it was the wrong choice. I make bad life choices, and I drag everyone else around me into the messes I create. 

“Aren’t you going to pack your things?”

“There is no need, I’m ready to go.” She starts walking toward the door. Leaning on her cane, she manages to pull open the heavy teakwood door. I grab my keys and wallet and head toward the door behind her. I try to speak to her on the ride there, but she doesn’t say one word to me. She doesn’t even wait until I put the car in park in front of her house before she has her seatbelt off and the door open. She holds out her hand, and I place her keys in the hand and try to talk, but she doesn’t acknowledge that I am speaking. She just pulls herself out of the car and starts walking to her door. She stumbles on the first step but catches herself. I know I could help, but it will just make it worse. She opens her door and closes it, never looking back. I put all my faith in Dr. Franklin, and I hope I didn’t just ruin things beyond repair.

I haven’t heard from Katie or MJ in three weeks. I get updated from her parents on MJ, but they never say anything about Katie. When I ask about her, they tell me to focus on me, and she is focusing on her. 

I have been seeing Dr. Franklin twice a week for the last three weeks. We started at the very beginning and have been working through my issues one by one. The first of my issues is my substance abuse, and then my mental illness, now we are working on why I feel the need to self-destruct. It hasn’t been the easiest three weeks. I often leave our session mentally exhausted and angry. On week four of treatment, she asked me to come in for three sessions instead of two. 

I’m running late so I run through the lobby of Dr. Franklin’s office, and the receptionist lets me know she is waiting for me. When I enter the office I’m surprised to see Katie is on the sofa. She gives me a polite smile, and I want to rush over to her, tell her I fucked up again, tell her how much I’ve have missed her and MJ, but I don’t say anything. I can tell from the look that Dr. Franklin is giving me that I should just sit so I do. 

“Michael, both you and Katie have been working your individual plans, and now I want you to work on truthful communication, not what you want each other to hear. In this room, everyone says what they mean clearly and without bullshit. You can begin, Michael.” Dr. Franklin clicks her pen and prepares to take notes.

I don’t say anything—Katie is watching me intently. My throat is dry, and I can barely swallow. I know I have to say the words—the reason that the drinking started, what really started my downward spiral—but I can’t say them because if I do, I know Katie will be lost to me forever. My chest is constricted, and I feel the sweat starting to bead on my forehead. I take a breath. 

“The night of prom, after I took you home, I went to hang out with Randall and the guys. We all went out to his house for an after-party, where we all started drinking and getting high. It was just weed.” I have to stop talking because now I feel like my heart is in a vice.

“Continue, Michael,” I hear Dr. Franklin urge.

“Randall and his cousin gave me a pill they said would make me loose. I was pissed off because all my friends were there with girls and you had to be home at midnight. I remember taking the pill and chasing it with a shot of rum and then when I woke up I was naked in Randall’s sister’s room. She was naked also, and I just laid there for a minute staring at the canopy thing on her bed. When she rolled over, she told me we had an amazing time, and she wants round two. I jumped up and ran out of there. I was halfway out the door when Randall saw me he just started laughing saying his sister had finally gotten what she wanted. I cheated on you, Katie.” When I look up I see the stone-faced expression of Katie. I don’t even know what she is going to say, but I brace myself for the worste. She is still looking at me but hasn’t said a word.

“How does that make you feel, Katie?” I hear Dr.Franklin ask. She is still writing on her pad.

“I knew. I knew about Rachel. She sent me a text message that night and told me about you two. She even sent me a picture of you in her bed. I waited for you to tell me the truth, but you never did you just went into self-destruct mode. Michael, you didn’t have sex with Rachel. As much as you don’t deserve the truth I’m going to tell you. About a year after MJ was born I was at Walmart. I was in the baby section and I turned and there was Rachel. She had a baby of her own and I was so scared I didn’t want to look at the baby. I didn’t want to know if that baby was yours. When Rachel saw me, she came up to me, told me she did something she needed to apologize for. She said she hadn’t slept with you that it was all Randall’s doing. He wanted to knock you down a peg or two. He was jealous and felt like you had everything. She told me how they drugged you and Randall took your clothes off, and he and James put you in her bed, she said she didn’t even sleep in the same bed. She had only been in the bed with you for about thirty minutes when you woke up and bolted. James and Rachel had just gotten married, and it was his baby. She wanted to say she was sorry for her part, and she only hoped that what goes around really doesn’t come back around. I saw her again about three years later; she and James were at the park with their son. They looked so happy. She came up to me and sat on the bench and told me all about how she had always gone along with what Randall wanted because he was the only one who ever showed her any love. Her parents were rich but didn’t give a crap about her. She had recently found God and was working on herself and wanted to apologize again. She asked if I had ever reunited with you, and when I told her no, she said she would pray for us.”

I have to run to the trash can to thrown up. I felt like I wanted to die all this time, the drinking and the drugs were to help me forget what I did, but it didn’t do anything. I didn’t cheat; I was set up by a bunch of jealous motherfuckers; and I destroyed the one person in the world I loved more than anything because of a lie.

Katie came over to where I landed with my back against Dr. Franklin’s desk and rubbed my back. “I waited for you to be honest with me to tell me the truth, but you found your solace in the bottom of a bottle and running away from your problems.” 

“I don’t even know what to say, Katie. I don’t even have the right to ask for forgiveness.”

“I don’t forgive you, Michael; there isn’t anything to forgive. It was almost ten years ago; you were eighteen years old. But just like I’m willing to forgive you, you have to forgive me. This isn’t going to work if there is all this underlying tension and hostility. It isn’t going to work if we aren’t honest, and we don’t put all our cards on the table. We can’t keep not communicating—it hasn’t worked in the past, and it’s not working now.”

My head hurts so bad I can’t even focus. The pain is blinding, and I know stress is the cause. 

“Okay, Michael, is there anything else you want to talk to Katie about? Once we close the chapter on this part of your life, there is no going back to beat each other over the head with it so…”