Katie's Journey to Love (2 page)

Mamm
had frozen her heart. In fact, she'd married Ezra without expecting she would ever again feel love for a man. When her heart had opened to Ezra after their daughter's birth, it was made all the worse when he'd died suddenly. His early death had driven
Mamm
back into her shell. That Jesse Mast had been able to break through was a miracle indeed.

Now the joy was coming back. Katie belonged in this family—Jesse's five children and her.
Yah
, it was still a little unfamiliar, just like the room she hadn't recognized this morning. But she was here, and she was part of this family now. True, it didn't seem quite right that she should have this room that had been Mabel's. But Jesse had insisted. Katie was the eldest, so she deserved her own room. Katie dared not look at Mabel when he'd made that announcement.

At the wedding, everything had seemed to fall into place. There had been great love flowing from everybody.
Mamm
's brothers from Lancaster had all taken time to speak with their niece, and they wished her well in her new life. “You're a Mast now,” they'd teased, even though she really wasn't. She was still a Raber.
Mamm
marrying Jesse wouldn't change that. Only her own marriage would change her name.

That thought turned her mind to the dashing Ben Stoll, the boy she had her heart set on. He hadn't paid her any attention at the wedding. He'd taken Tina Hochstetler to the table at the evening hymn singing. Katie had been left with no choice but to sit with her young cousin James, who lived in Lancaster. At sixteen, he was too scared to take a strange girl to the table. She mustn't think about Ben now, Katie told herself. There were other boys in the world besides him, even though her heart would never be quite
convinced of that. Maybe she could get over her crush on him if she tried hard enough.
Mamm
had found love beyond Daniel Kauffman, had she not?

Right now what she could be thankful for was that all of Jesse's children—except Mabel—had accepted
Mamm
and her with open arms. The change had been slow at times. Mabel hadn't been the only one of Jesse's children unwilling at first to accept the idea of a new
mamm
keeping house for them. But they had eventually come around. And Mabel had also—sort of—after she'd been told by her
daett
to straighten out her attitude and accept Emma as her
mamm
.

Well, even if Mabel made trouble for her, Katie was still much better off than she had been before. She now knew what it felt like to be included in the Amish community and spoken to as if she were a normal human being. Of course, it hadn't been just the wedding that had accomplished that. It had really started when she accepted an invitation to a Mennonite youth gathering. There she'd become friends with girls like Margaret Kargel and Sharon Watson. Both girls had come to
Mamm
's wedding at her special invitation. They were the only Mennonites there besides Esther Kuntz, who worked at Byler's Store with Katie.

Neither Jesse nor
Mamm
had any Mennonites in their immediate family. All the brothers and sisters on both sides of their families were Amish. That had made Katie's relationship with the Mennonite girls a troublesome matter for
Mamm
. Jesse too seemed a bit concerned about it, though not as great as
Mamm
.

She would continue to leave that matter in
Da Hah
's hands, Katie decided. Much
gut
had come out of her friendships with Margaret and Sharon. And
Da Hah
had blessed them in spite of
Mamm
's fears. How that all made sense, Katie still didn't know. And she might never know. It was enough that both
Mamm
and
she were finding their way out of a life lived alone with closed-off hearts.

Back in the “old” days,
Mamm
had forbidden Katie from participating in the usual
rumspringa
the rest of the Amish young people in the community took part in. But to
Mamm, rumspringa
was a mild offense compared to attending Mennonite youth gatherings. But Katie had continued to go to them. She sighed and threw off the bedcovers. She knew Jesse and
Mamm
wanted her to stop attending, but she would have to see.
Da Hah
had been with her so far, and she would keep believing He would be in the future. It was true that living with Jesse and his family was going to be a great joy in its own right. Jesse had told her before
Mamm
's wedding, “I love you, Katie. Just as much as I love Mabel and Carolyn or any of my boys. You'll be living at my house as my own daughter.”

She was so thankful for that, and she appreciated the man from the bottom of her heart. That wasn't something a person just walked away from. She now had the chance to grow up for a few years with a
daett
who cared about her. There might now be less reason for her to attend the Mennonite youth gatherings, though she would always keep up her friendships with Margaret and Sharon.

Katie walked over to the unfamiliar dresser. She opened the top drawer and ran her hands around the front edge. She found the matches and lit the kerosene lamp. The flickering flame had just caught when Jesse hollered up the stairs, “Time to get up, boys!”

Katie smiled at the sound.
Mamm
sometimes yelled up the stairs at home, but she'd never heard a man yell the morning wakeup call. It sounded
gut
. She pulled on her work dress as footsteps rushed past her bedroom door. She finished putting in the last pin and took the lamp with her as she stepped into the hallway. The light played on the walls as she found her way downstairs. No one
was in the living room, so Katie peeked into the kitchen.
Mamm
had her back turned toward her as she worked over the stove.

“You should have called for me,” Katie told her.

Mamm
turned around with a smile on her face. “
Gut
morning, Katie.”

“
Gut
morning to you.” Katie set the lamp on the kitchen table. “May I help with breakfast?”

A look of uncertainty replaced
Mamm
's smile. “Perhaps we'd better wait until Mabel comes down before we get too far along. I don't want to take over her kitchen on the first morning she's here. Not without talking with her about it first.”

Katie sat on a kitchen chair. This was an unexpected turn of events, although she really shouldn't be surprised now that she thought about it.
Mamm
had always been in charge at home, but now she was in another person's kitchen—Mabel's kitchen. “But you're Jesse's wife,” Katie protested. Everything has changed, she wanted to add, but she didn't.
Mamm
looked troubled enough without adding undue pressure, and obviously everything hadn't changed yet. There still would be bumps in the road. She could handle it.

Mamm
was trying to smile. “
Yah
, I know. It takes some getting used to.”

“You should call Mabel,” Katie said. “She shouldn't sleep in on the first morning we're all together.”

Mamm
lifted her head from the stove, seeming to ponder the suggestion for a moment. Then she went to the bottom of the stairs.

Yell loudly! Katie wanted to say. Wake the girl up!

“Mabel!”
Mamm
called up the stairs, her voice gentle.

Long moments passed, and
Mamm
looked ready to call again when the sound of a door opening came from upstairs.

“What do you want?” Mabel's voice sounded irritated.

“I need your help in the kitchen,”
Mamm
said.

The door closed upstairs without an answer.

Katie watched
Mamm
's face as she turned back and went to the stove.

Mamm
glanced at Katie. “Perhaps you shouldn't be in here when Mabel comes down.”

Katie looked away. Had she heard correctly?
Mamm
didn't want her in the kitchen?
Mamm
must have seen the look on Katie's face because she came over and gave Katie a quick hug. “It's not what you think, Katie. I'm not rejecting you. It's just that we must think about the larger picture right now. Mabel is used to running the household, and we need to give her an opportunity to adjust. It might be difficult enough for her with just me in here. And she might think ill of us if she finds you here too, both of us working in her kitchen. Especially because we didn't take the time to call her before we started breakfast.”

Katie kept her eyes on the floor. What in the world was she supposed to do now? The pain was throbbing something awful in her heart. She'd never been told to leave the kitchen at home.

“Come on, Katie,”
Mamm
whispered. “We need to think about how Mabel will see things. If we're both here, it will look like we've taken over.”

“Where am I supposed to go? What am I supposed to do?” Katie got to her feet.

Mamm
looked around but didn't offer a suggestion.

“I'll slip outside for a bit,” Katie finally said, opening the washroom door. Already she could hear Mabel's quick footsteps coming down the stairs. Katie walked past the faint outline of the washbasin and towel in the darkness, and then she stepped outside. She stood on the porch with her arms folded and looked up at the splash of stars still visible in the heavens. Toward the east, dawn was breaking, the light still hidden in part by the corner of the
house. In the other direction, the barn windows were lit with the glow of gas lanterns as Jesse and his boys worked on their chores. Katie looked at the soft light spreading across the dark lawn for a long time as tears stung her eyes.

Not that long ago she would have been out in the barn with
Mamm
doing the few chores they had at their place. Their two cows, Molly and Bossy, had been brought over and would be milked along with Jesse's herd. She wouldn't be going to the barn again for chores anytime soon. Jesse and his boys would take care of the farm jobs. So much had changed, Katie thought. And so quickly. She hugged herself tightly as she heard faint sounds of laughter coming from inside the house. That was
Mamm
's voice laughing with Mabel. They were hitting it off big, apparently. Katie felt shut out. How could this be happening with all the hope that had filled her heart only moments ago? Surely
Mamm
hadn't planned on sending her out of the kitchen on the first day they were all here after the wedding. Katie told herself she needed to think the best possible thoughts right now or she was going to burst into tears and totally embarrass herself when she did go back inside.

Was all this part of
Da Hah
's way? No doubt He was continuing to lead her on paths she was unfamiliar with. Instead of being bitter, she should be thankful that
Mamm
was adjusting so well in her new role as Jesse's wife and as
mamm
to his five children—especially Mabel. Wasn't Mabel the hard case? Any progress in that area was all the more reason to give thanks. In the end, Katie decided, she would fit in somewhere.
Mamm
wouldn't forget her own daughter.

One thing was for sure.
Mamm
and she would never slip back into what they used to be. That was in the past—and would remain so. No more feelings of being passed over by everyone or going unnoticed in Amish youth gatherings. Some of that would
still happen, but she now had her wonderful memories of the evenings spent with the Mennonite youth to counter the aloneness. Margaret and Sharon had accepted her so quickly, and she'd met many others who were friendly too. Even the Mennonite boys who played beside her at the volleyball games—young men she'd never met before—had taken the time to say a few words of greeting and inquire how she was doing. They were all nice people who had welcomed her into their homes and hearts.

She had them to go back to in addition to whatever new blessings
Da Hah
had waiting for her with her new, expanded family. Mabel was the thorn with the rose, but Katie didn't wish to destroy the flower because of the pain that stung her hand.
Nee
, she would not. She took deep breaths of the cool morning air and gathered her courage to return inside.

Chapter Two

Thirty minutes later, Katie was on the way down from upstairs, taking firm steps, making sure each one creaked if possible. She'd sneaked up through the living room once she came in from outside through the front door.
Mamm
and Mabel had been talking in the kitchen, laughing as she'd tiptoed past the doorway. Sneaking up had seemed like the decent thing to do. She couldn't possibly have gone out to the barn with Jesse and his boys out there. That would have raised eyebrows. And barging back into the kitchen would have raised questions with Mabel she didn't wish to answer.
Yah
, I'm feeling hurt, Katie admitted. But I'm trying hard to do my part in this family, which included not provoking Mabel.

Only moments ago she'd heard Jesse and his boys come in from their chores and bang around in the washroom as they cleaned up. No one had called her, but how could they since even
Mamm
didn't know where she'd gone. Katie was content to let it appear to Mabel and the others that she'd overslept.