Kayden: The Past (21 page)

Lisa became controlling and demanding. I didn’t notice it at first. She did small things in the beginning: asking who was on the phone, checking my text messages, and logging in to my email. Alarm bells didn’t sound; I just thought she was concerned, but every night, we’d fight over the crazy shit she made up in her mind. I turned to the bottle to deal with her crazy ass bullshit and unfounded accusations.

“Are you on Facebook again?” she asked me, standing over my shoulder at the desk.

“Yeah, I was just talking to Ron.” I said pointing at the screen.

“I know you’re talking to girls. Get the fuck off there!” I never had a girl be jealous to the extreme or suspicious of all my actions like Lisa.

“Okay, calm down.” I said. That statement is the kiss of death, it starts half the arguments in the world. It doesn’t help and is patronizing, but I didn’t know what else to say. She was already in a shitty mood, and I didn’t need a fight tonight.

I turned the computer off and started to put on my shoes. “Where the fuck do you think you’re going?”

“Out.” I stood up, leaving the laces undone. I just wanted to get the fuck out.

“We need to talk.”

“About what?” I stood there and jiggled my keys in my hand.

“You seeing other women.”

I rolled my eyes. “Lisa, I’m not seeing anyone. I’m not a cheater. How many times do I need to tell you this?”

“Bullshit. I can smell a cheater.”

I sighed not knowing what else to do or say. Her trust issues were starting to wear me down and make my pull to the bottle greater. I started drinking months ago. My daily beer turned into three then I graduated back to vodka. She made me miserable, but I felt she’d never cheat on me. Her jealousy and possessiveness were so fierce that I couldn’t imagine her not being totally committed to our relationship.

“I’m not going to win this argument tonight, and I don’t know how to prove it. I’m running to the store. I’ll be back and give you some time to cool off.”

She walked away, her footsteps heavy on the tile floor. Pissed off didn’t even describe her anger level at the moment. I knew when I returned, the night would be filled with screaming, possibly her throwing some things at me, but it would end the same way it always did – I’d fuck her into oblivion.

At times, I think she picked a fight with me on purpose, wanting to yell and scream, maybe needing to. Her mood swings were vicious and came out of nowhere. I learned that she was bi-polar but often skipped her medication. That’s the issue with a mental illness. When a person feels good, they don’t think they need the medicine and then their other side comes out, and it’s a struggle to get them to get back on it.

I allowed my drinking to grow out of control. It was the only way I could cope with her multiple personalities. It weighed heavy on our relationship at time but so did her disease. I found myself staying out after work a couple of months after moving in together, not wanting to face whichever Lisa I would get when I walked in the door.

I know it’s no way to stay in a relationship, but I failed so many times I couldn’t just leave. Why do people stay in a rotten situation? I wish I had an answer why I stayed with her. She became so overbearing, and I allowed it. Danielle and Bridget had ruined my view of a relationship, and as long as Lisa stuck by my side, I was in it for the long haul. Fucked up thinking I know, but I stayed and grew more miserable over time.

I became lost in the bottle, my only friend and savior. Lisa and I fed off each other, her anger and my drinking. We couldn’t last forever in this fucked up state of being, but I didn’t feel like I could walk out. Could I fail in love again?

Lisa had a rebellious side - one that reared its ugly head from time to time. She liked to steal, and it always made me nervous. I couldn’t afford to get caught, but she didn’t seem to have a care in the world. She said it gave her a high that she never experienced before. I understood the chase but not the risk of getting caught walking out with a pair of shoes on your feet you didn’t pay for.

Lisa made new rules: no more drinking, no going out after work, no Facebook or other social media sites, and she needed access to my email account. She could read any of my mail or access any account I had; I didn’t have anything to hide from her. The one thing I fought against in her demands was drinking. It became necessary to my sanity. I felt like a child with the rules she made, and like any normal teenager, I fought back and rebelled.

“Kayden, you big pussy! You going home to your broad or going to Greg’s?” Mike asked after I called him to ask if he had a spare part. Mike and I shared a bond. Besides working together, we both had crazy bitches at home. We shared our misery and inability to leave, but Mike had an easier time putting her in her place than I did with bat shit crazy Lisa.

I didn’t want to go home and listen to her bullshit tonight. Everything that could go wrong in my day already had, why not add to it? “Prick, I’ll be there. She doesn’t rule my life. I’m my own boss.” I wanted that statement to be true. I wanted the spunky girl I met with the infectious laughter long ago, but that Lisa had vanished and was replaced by the controlling mad woman who was waiting at home for me. “I could use a night out with the guys.”

“Sure, you say that now. You know she has you by the balls.”

“Don’t give me your shit! Your woman has your ass on a tight leash. Don’t pretend she doesn’t,” I laughed.

“Who you fucking telling, but I have a free pass tonight. She’s out of town visiting her mother.” Why can’t Lisa go visit her family back in Ohio and give me some breathing room. Maybe the absence would make her heart grow fonder and smash the invisible problem she has in her head.

“Lucky mother fucker! I’ll be there after I’m done. I still have one more install and based on the beginning of my day, it’ll be a couple of hours.” I hung up the phone and decided to give Lisa a call. I needed to give her a reason I wouldn’t be home in her expected time frame.

“Hey, baby. Just wanted to call and say hi.” I twirled the keys in my hand feeling on edge.

“Hey. How’s work? Almost done?” she asked.

She always wanted to know when I’d be home, so that she could watch me and make sure I didn’t do anything to break a rule or betray her. “It’s been shitty today; every install has had a problem, and I still have a huge job ahead of me. I’m going to be late tonight, babe, I’m thinking after nine.” I held my breath listening carefully for her response.

“You need to quit that fucking job. Come straight home afterward, please.” The please was bullshit. She added it to make it sound nicer, but it was a demand.

“I’ll call you when I’m on my way. Some of the guys are going to Greg’s. I may join them for an hour.”

“What? Kayden, I told you this before. I don’t want you hanging out with those guys. Your ass better be home right after work.”

“Lisa, I’m not a child.”

“You better not go there, that’s all I’m saying.” I could hear her breathing hard and fast in the phone. She was like a dog foaming over a squirrel.

“I’ll call you later. I love you.” There was no reply but a click. Fuck it! I’m a grown man, and I wanted a night out with the guys. Lisa did whatever and went wherever she wanted. A relationship should be about mutual respect, not ball busting and control. There’d be hell to pay when I walked through the door tonight, but I needed to grow a pair and take a stand.

I walked through the door at Greg’s two hours later ready for a cold beer. “Hey, he made it.” Mike said as I entered the living room.

“Fuck you, Mike.” I sat down on the couch needing to unwind.

“Beer?” Greg asked holding one out to me.

“Hell yeah, perfect way to end my day.” I popped the bottle top and let the cool liquid ooze down my throat. I put Lisa out of my mind and laughed with the guys about work. That’s the only issue with hanging out with people from work; they only want to talk about work. Tonight, it was fine with me, anything was better than talking about our relationships or personal lives. Mine was in disarray.

I lost track of time and the number of drinks I consumed while bullshitting with everyone. I finally decided to leave and head home to a hopefully calmer Lisa.

“Hey Lisa, baby, I’m on my way home,” I said after she answered the phone sounding pissed off.

“I told you not to go out tonight. Have you been drinking?” Lisa asked in an accusatory tone. I didn’t feel the need to lie to her; I wasn’t a child and of legal age. Fuck her and her bossiness.

“I had a couple with the guys, no big deal,” I replied assertively.

“I told you not to drink anymore, let alone hang out with those losers. Don’t fucking come home tonight,” Lisa yelled in my ear.

“Where the hell am I supposed to sleep tonight, Lisa?” I asked my heart starting to race and my temper beginning to rise.

“I don’t give a shit. You’re not welcome here. Don’t come back here tonight or ever. I’m done with your bullshit and lies. You’re an asshole and not worth the misery anymore. I’m through… we’re through,” Lisa screamed.

Click. Silence. I sat there for a moment almost in shock. This was the side of Lisa, the other personality that I hated. I said my goodbyes to the guys and walked out the door, hopped in my work truck, and drove erratically towards home.

The streets were empty, and I missed every red light. I drove like a bat out of hell, trying to get home and settle her down. We needed to talk about us, our future, and how a relationship should work as a team and not her as the Gestapo. I pulled into the gated community and was greeted by the guard.

“Evening, John. Can you open the gate for me, please?” I asked.

“Sorry, sir. Ms. Jackson said that you no longer live with her. I’m not to let you in the front gate.”

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. This has to be some cruel joke.
“John, come on. You know I live here. I didn’t move. She’s just angry with me. Please,” I begged.

“Sorry. Nothing I can do about it, sir, unless your name’s on the lease, is it?” John asked with his eyebrows raised.

“No, it’s not.” I had a sinking feeling in my stomach – I wouldn’t be going home unless I found my own way in. John didn’t seem to feel the need to break any community rules; he took his job a little too seriously.

“Nothing I can do then. I can’t let you into the community if you’re no longer a resident,” John stated to me in a matter-of-fact tone but with sadness in his eyes.

I had nowhere to go. Even though my mother lived nearby, Lisa had made sure to sever that relationship with her craziness months ago. I should’ve known then to run for the hills. I had to be at work tomorrow, and I needed my work clothes from the house. I pulled out of the community and parked my car on the side of the road.
Where was I going to go? What was I going to do?

The alcohol coursed through my veins and clouded my judgment. Lisa knew the consequences when she placed that call; she knew I’d be in a panic with no alternatives. I had to find a way into the community. She was vindictive and cruel. She never played fair. Fuck it, two can play at that game. It’s my fucking house, too.

If I hadn’t been drinking the following events would have never occurred. My relationship with Lisa would’ve ended either way. We were doomed from the beginning. We would’ve probably had a huge argument, and I would have moved out. The events that transpired were solely my fault, and the alcohol just helped make it seem like a great idea. I was a big fucking dummy and should have known the disaster I was about to bring down on myself.

I parked my truck in an empty parking lot hidden back in the woods. I walked through the darkened trees to the canal that surrounded the community. It was thirty yards to the other side, which I knew I could swim easily, at least when sober. The only problem could be the alligators that were hidden by the veil of night, but I put them out of my mind. I jumped in the canal with all my clothes on - there was no turning back now. I swam as quickly as I could and tried not to look around. Adrenaline and alcohol were giving me the stamina and strength beyond my natural abilities; they probably caused more stupidity than anything.

I climbed out of the water and collapsed on the bank. I could barely breathe, and my body was exhausted. I lay on my back staring at the stars, watching them twinkle in the sky. I thought about my love for Lisa and her ability to throw me out like a piece of garbage. It’s one thing to end a relationship, make a clean break, but it’s entirely different to lock someone out of their own home and toss them out onto the street. My blood began to boil with anger, and it propelled my body forward. I walked with a purpose… get my clothes and get the fuck out.