Keep the Window Open for Me (3 page)

She had been so happy to find out her neighbor’s name. She had had a crush on him ever since he had moved next to her, and now to figure out that he was also her favorite novelist too, Rose had been practically bouncing off the walls with
joy.

I couldn’t help but be happy for her. Her life was going so smoothly and so happily. She was going to fall in love. I knew it just by the look on her face. It made me start thinking about my own feelings and
Danny.

I started to wonder if I could change them finally after all of my failed attempts in the past and if his feelings for me could change. I wondered a lot of things and did try my best, but I couldn’t do anything in the end. I couldn’t change my feelings, and I couldn’t tell him that I loved him either. So I stayed in the place where I had been for the last few years while Rose fell in love with her neighbor, and each day after, I felt a painful stab in my heart when I saw her
smile.

I felt left out of the tide, left behind while everyone else was getting on with their lives, and it was all because of the man that I loved so much. I was content with my life, but I wanted so much to be happy. Happily in love, I heard someone once say. Did that mean, agonizingly out of love? If so, which was I? I loved someone, but they did not love me back. Could that mean I was somewhere in the middle that could be described as unrequited
love?

I made it to my cold apartment. It didn’t take me long. I didn’t live too far away from him. It was a decision that ultimately he and I made together. When I had told him that I was getting an apartment he had said to make sure to get one close by. My heart had been beating so fast when he had said that to me. It made me feel so happy to know that he wanted me
near.

Only later did I realize that he had meant to get an apartment close by the hospital. My heart was torn again and my moment of happiness flew away. It reminded me of a very sad time last year. It was around winter near spring when it happened, when I lost my best friend, when I lost
Rose.

She had been so thrilled and excited about the new book that Reed had written just for her. It was special because unlike all of his other books this one had a happy ending instead of a tragic one. Early that morning before the medical conference Rose dragged me down to the bookstore to get the novel. I followed loyally. She bounced into the store while I waited outside in the cold for her. Unlike her, I wasn’t a morning person and wanted to relax while she bubbled over her
book.

It didn’t take long for her to come back outside with it in her hands, clutched so tightly. She had had the brightest of smiles on her face. I envied her so much. Reed had written that just for her, just to see her smile at the end of one of his books instead of cry. He had loved her so very much. She loved him the same. They were soul mates; I truly believed that, and that’s why I wasn’t as sad when their lives were snuffed from the
world.

Rose and I crossed the street, she was ahead of me while I was lagging behind, and just like that the car came and hit her. Like a candle that flickered at the slightest breeze, her life ended with a sudden strong gust. She was gone before the ambulance came, and there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening. My best friend was dead, and I ran to Danny’s and cried. He held me close while his own tears fell. She had been close to both of us, and her death weighed heavily on our
hearts.

I dragged myself into bed and closed my eyes hoping to get a decent night’s sleep. I hadn’t been able to for a while now. I knew the reason. It wasn’t so strange to comprehend. I was sick. It wasn’t with a cold or anything trivial like that. It was the kind of sick a person didn’t get better from. I had found out a while ago, three months back when I had been having a particularly bad day and collapsed in a
stairwell.

I remember waiting in the examining room in the hospital. My feet dangled off the edge. Slouched, I had waited with my hands gripping the blue vinyl of the examining table. My eyes were turned down to the tiled floor. Swallowing thickly, I had kept looking back up at the clock. Suddenly, the door opened to reveal my doctor. Standing tall and lanky, his hair was speckled gray showing his age. In his hands he held my chart. Drumming his fingers on the clipboard, he hadn’t said anything for a minute and wouldn’t meet my eyes. I had known then that it was something far more serious than I ever imagined. Taking his seat across from me, his eyes spoke volumes. Something was terribly wrong. He told me then the line that made me realize how serious it
was.

“I think you should start making preparations.” Those were the words that meant a person was going to die. My hands gripped the vinyl tightly as the news washed over me, crashing like a tidal wave. My face scrunched up as I tried to mull over the words in my head but suddenly I couldn’t understand them as if they were in another language
entirely.

“What,” I asked, while confusion and fear swirled inside of me like a carnival ride going faster and faster until they both blended
together.

“I’m sorry, Erin, but it’s your heart. You had a heart attack but there’s no blockage. We can’t find the cause but,” he paused his jaw
clenching.

“But?” I asked wishing he would
elaborate.

“The attack left your heart very weak and it will inevitably fail you. Erin, it’ll only last you a few more months…” His words sounded like rushing water to me. Without a transplant I’d die. My heart would fail and that would be the end of it all, the end of me. I had been placed on the transplant list, but I knew how rare it was to receive a new heart especially with such a small window of time. After that visit I sought out every doctor I could hoping beyond hope that his prognosis was wrong. They all shackled me with the same fate. No one knew the cause of my sudden heart attack, but the result was undeniable. My heart was too weak
now.

I didn’t want to believe it at first. I didn’t want to recognize that I wasn’t going to get better. So I lived normally as though I had never gotten the news. But I couldn’t deny it any longer, everything was building up beneath the surface and suddenly it all tore
open.

I broke down one night and raced to the one place I felt safe and secure whenever my life was crashing down around me. I ran in my pajamas, barefoot, to Danny’s house, and climbed in his window like I had done all those years ago for so long. He still after all of this time left the window open for
me.

As soon as I entered, he woke and sat up in his bed. He stared at me for the longest time with that sad expression. I didn’t know what he was thinking when he looked at me like that. I don’t think I’ll ever
know.

I was crying that night and panting while my body was frozen from the cold air outside. I hadn’t even noticed how badly my body was shaking then. Danny didn’t say a word to my sudden appearance in his house or my tears. He just pulled down the covers and patted the spot next to him like he had done all those years ago. That brought on a whole new set of tears that I couldn’t stop from falling. I ran to him and flung myself in his arms. He held me close that night like he had done in the past while I sobbed
uncontrollably.

I never told him about what was going to happen to me. He didn’t need to know I was a ticking time bomb. It would be better that way if he never knew because that meant that one day I would just drop off the world and disappear forever. He would be sad for my passing, but it wouldn’t
last.

After a few months he would slowly stop missing me. And when that would happen, he’d fall in love with a girl and be happy. The best part would be I wouldn’t feel sad because I would already be gone. I liked looking on the brighter side of things. Rose taught me that. It was a good lesson to learn for moments like these. I would have to thank her when I saw her. It would be nice to be able to see her
again.

Chapter Three

The warm sun’s rays gently glided into my window to signal the new day had begun and as per routine, it ruined the little sleep I managed to get. After that fateful day, mornings never looked as bright as before, and I clung to the night for my solace and comfort. My alarm promptly went off beside me, and I silenced it. I had already decided I wasn’t going to work today. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate there and that would only hinder instead of help. I’d take the day for myself. I think at this late stage I’d be able to get away with it. There wasn’t much anyone could do anymore that would upset me. The only one that could bring any sort of emotion from me now was Danny, and so far he hadn’t done anything to incur any sort of reaction from me. Just as long as everything stayed the same as it was, I’d be fine and content until the day came where I had to disappear from this world for
good.

Finding the will to get out of bed, I dressed and went through my usual morning routine. I had experienced much in my life and for that I was grateful. I had made friends, lost friends, helped people, and was helped by people. I was able to experience love even if it was one-sided. I had great memories and I was glad. I couldn’t have asked for more than that in my short life or so I tried to convince myself every time my heart constricted
painfully.

I walked out my door and locked it behind me as I shuffled down the road in the midmorning sun. The day warmed my skin even in these winter months that crawled by with its short days and bitter nights. My breath met the air, showing in a puff of
white.

I looked up at the gray sky that contrasted so dully compared to the golden sun peeking through the clouds. I prayed for one thing when I went. I prayed with all my soul that Danny would stay happy and that my lack of existence wouldn’t affect him too
much.

And at the same time deep down in my soul where the seven sins lied, I wanted him to be devastated. I wanted him to cry and be broken. I wanted him to miss me and never recover. But those thoughts wouldn’t make me feel any better, they only served to feed my selfishness. Truthfully, when all was settled, I wanted nothing more than Danny to be happy and smile at
me.

If I could have anything in the world at the moment when I would be erased from existence, that would be it. I wanted to see his smile as I drifted away. That would be enough to make my final moments happy ones. If he could be by my side like I have been at his all these years, that would make me happy beyond words. Maybe that’s just my selfish side talking again, but if I could be granted a last wish that would be it for sure. Nothing else but
that.

I walked in the cold—all the way to the city cemetery. I didn’t feel like taking a taxi, and I didn’t want Danny to know where I was going so he couldn’t drive me. It didn’t make much sense either to own a car when my work was so
close.

I didn’t know when the next time I could visit them, so now was the perfect time. It had been months since I went to see them, and I felt bad for not coming again sooner. I was sure they weren’t lonely, having each other and all, but she had still been my friend. I couldn’t just abandon her because she had
died.

Passing the front iron gates that led into the graveyard, I went straight to their gravestones. There was no one else I knew here. Though soon in months, I would be here again. The dead grass under my feet was covered in a film of frost from the nightly freeze. Barren trees stood resolute here and there through out the cemetery. Since the winter had arrived and wiped out all life here this place felt like a desolate wasteland. Even the flowers that people placed on the graves of their loved ones soon withered away with the passing frostbitten
breeze.

Making my way over to the two familiar headstones, I stopped in front of them. It had been a request of mine that they be buried next to each other even though Reed’s family plot was further into the cemetery. I knew that they would want to be beside each other for the rest of
time.

It was better to be buried next to a person you knew in life. To be surrounded by strangers for the rest of eternity just seemed too lonely to bear. That’s why I wanted to be by Rose’s other side when my time came. I wanted to know at least one person buried beside me. It made this entire affair more tolerable in a way. I knew that I wouldn’t be truly alone then if Rose was near me. But to know, to always have that knowledge in the back of my mind, that I was going to die alone killed me more than my weak heart. I was scared to go if it meant I was going into a place I didn’t know without someone at my side holding my hand
tightly.

I had always questioned why Reed had killed himself after I told him that Rose had died all those months ago. I had felt at that time that he hadn’t been thinking straight. I hadn’t understood how he could end his life so easily. But I knew now—he wanted to be with the one he loved above all the rest, his true love. He didn’t want to be alone. He didn’t want to be without
her.

For that reason, he took the knife to his wrists and let his life slip away so his spirit could slip into Rose’s arms once again. They were truly in love. Nothing in the world mattered to them besides each other. Soul mates, that’s what they were. And for that link, he sacrificed his life to be with the other half of his soul, the only one that completed him. There was no note to his suicide. There was no need for one to know why. Courageously, he stepped through the barrier of life to death just to be with her forever. For Danny, if he died would I have that same courage? Could I end my life to be with him? Would he even think twice about it when I
died?

Hot tears stained sticky tracks down my cold cheeks. Quickly I wiped them away, but the tears didn’t stop. They never stopped when I thought of him…I know without a doubt in my mind that I would end my life to be with him if he died. I also know that he would not do the same for me because unlike me, he didn’t need anyone to make him happy. I needed him and for that warmth that he had, I would die to feel it
again.

“Rose, when I see you again I wonder if you’ll be too happy with him to even notice me standing there,” I spoke
aloud.

They were together, now, surely they were. After all of this time after their deaths, I know they’ve found each other once again and are happily together. I felt a pain in my heart at that thought. It was a sharp tug that felt as though my heart was being ripped
apart.

I wonder if it was possible to die from a broken heart. I wonder if that was why I was dying now. Had my heart finally had enough and now was too broken to keep sustaining my life? Was it too torn, too broken to be repaired? I wonder that if I hadn’t met Danny those many years ago, would I still be so close to disappearing today? Was there anyone to blame it on—my broken heart? Whose fault was it that I was now walking into my grave? Was it Danny’s or mine? It hurts not to
know…

“I’ll see you soon, Rose.”

After having said that, I turned and left the cemetery. I was cold now, both on the outside and within. I felt numb down to my bones and my hands were beginning to shake. I shouldn’t have gone in the first place. I should have stayed home and never gotten out of bed. At least then, I wouldn’t be cold anymore. Although, I’m not so sure that it was the air that was causing me to
shake.

The true cause was my destination, Danny. It was the middle of the day, but Danny would be at home still. He worked later in the evening being the famous chef he was. Whenever I got my lunch break, I would race over for a meal. Each time he was already waiting for me with lunch made and the table set. I would walk in the front door and automatically see him sitting at the table, smiling over at
me.

If only he had been horrible to me…If only he wasn’t so kind and considerate toward me…If only he told me he hated me, then I wouldn’t be so hooked on him, so addicted to his
warmth.

Even during the summer when the heat was sweltering and so suffocating, I yearned for him. Like my personal apothecary, he dealt me my poisons. Like my doctor, he cured me of my afflictions. Like my everything, he could be nothing more…I could not escape. It was too late and had been from the moment I saw him
smile.

My chest felt tight, constricting. It felt like I could hardly breath and yet I was panting heavily. I ran. Something didn’t feel right. I had to get to Danny. It didn’t take long to arrive, having been close by. I slowed my run when I opened the door. I stopped, frozen at the scene unfolding before me. Danny and his girlfriend were arguing or rather his girlfriend was yelling while he stood by silently. I had chosen a bad time to come
over.

“Why won’t you let me move in? We’ve been dating for six months already! I even asked you if you wanted to live with me, but you said you liked it here! So what is this? Why can’t we live together? Don’t you love me at
all!”

I was silent, stunned by the words. How could she even ask that? Of course Danny loved her. He wouldn’t still be with her if he didn’t love
her.

“I’m sorry. I don’t love you.” Everything froze at those words. I had been wrong? Danny didn’t love her? The woman started crying at the confession and slapped him hard across the
cheek.

“I hate you!” she shouted through her sobs as she pushed past him, meeting my stunned figure at the door. I couldn’t form words to what had just happened. I couldn’t even move out of her
way.

“This is all your fault!” she yelled as she ran out the door, bumping into me on the way out. All my shock and pause disappeared as I heard the door slam behind me. Instantly I was in front of Danny, shouting at him as if this whole incident had been his fault. I yelled and yelled blaming him…as if my life was his
fault…

“What are you doing? Go after her!” I
shouted.

Why wasn’t I happy? Shouldn’t I have been happy since the two were obviously not together anymore? Didn’t this give me a period of peace to try to confess my feelings before I could not any longer? Why was I defending a person I didn’t know, a person that was my enemy for she was his lover? Why wasn’t I even trying to hear Danny’s side of the story? Why didn’t I comfort him like I always did after a breakup? Was it those words he used, those three words that meant so much to people? Was it because, he told her without regret or tact that he didn’t love her? Maybe I was thinking that that was how it would be like for me if I told him the truth. Maybe I took her side, because I know how she must have been feeling. So lonely…reaching out for him…being left disappointed and
crying.

“I don’t love her,” he
said.

No emotion came through his voice. It sounded like a cold shiver on a freezing day. It washed over me and embedded an icicle in my heart driving me forward, making me say something I had always wanted to say. I wanted to stop myself. I wanted to shut my mouth. But pushed to the edge, already gazing over the side, I tumbled and was unable to stop my
fall.

“That doesn’t matter! She loves you and she needs you so you have to go after her before it’s too late! You idiot!” I screamed, banging on his chest before a pause struck me and I bit my
lip.

“Big idiot,” I whispered taking my first breath of the situation. Bitterly, I couldn’t stop myself from saying the rest. “You really don’t care, do you? About other people’s feelings, but your own! You’re selfish! Just because you don’t love her doesn’t mean anything! She loves you so much! Can’t you see that? Can’t you see anything? Are you that blind that you can’t see what’s right in front of
you?”

My voice drifted off leaving me stripped bare. I crashed; my looking glass shattered; and suddenly, I had nothing to hide behind now. I was out in the open before his judging baby blue eyes. Somehow they seemed so much clearer without a pane of glass separating him and I. It was his move. I could do nothing else besides wait for his reply. Whether it was negative or positive, it was all up to him. I set up the chess board and moved all my pieces. We were in check and now he had the option to end this game with a simple
checkmate.

“Erin, are you, okay?” That’s all he said. After all the years I had stood by silently wishing to express my feelings, he had asked such a stupid question as that. My hands clenched into tight fists at my sides shaking with my bubbling rage. I couldn’t believe how he was acting, so impassive as if nothing mattered! If he didn’t understand without a proper confession then I would give him that! I would say it plainly so that there was no confusion. All of my fears of confessing were overcome by my frustration. I couldn’t remain silent any
longer.

“No! Danny, I—! Danny, I love you! I always have ever since I met you! I just …I love you so much and you never even
noticed!”

He didn’t reply. He stood silent with shock in his eyes. I bit my lip knowing this was how he was always going to react. He didn’t love
me.

Danny would never have those feelings for me. I rose up on the tips of my toes and cupped his cheek affectionately with tears already welling up in my eyes. If this was the end of everything we had, I at least wanted to steal a kiss from him. If nothing else, I wanted
that.

I closed my eyes as the first of many tears fell and kissed the man I have loved for so many years. My kiss was chaste and gentle, lasting only a moment before I pulled away. He was still in that stunned state and it made my heart hurt all the
more.