Keeper'n Me (9 page)

As I drifted off into sleep I thought of my father and what he might think of me now. I thought of his last night of this earth and how the wind must have whistled through his gut like it had whistled through mine all those years. About his loss and mine too. About the connection to a childhood that teetered briefly on the edge of darkness, faltered maybe in its misery, reaching back for footing but tumbling nonetheless into that dark, dark cavern of time.

There was a note pinned to the doorjamb when I woke up the next morning. I'd gotten used to being woke up at seven in the pen and I thought that was real early, but Stanley and Jane had already been up and out. Their
note said my mother and brother were on the seven-thirty bus and they'd be back with them about nine. There was some thick black tea on the stove, so I grabbed a cup and sat on the steps outside to wake up.

Thinking about my mother being on her way towards me right that very minute was enough to get me anxious and wanting to run again. Maybe it was the fact that it was a long walk to town that held me there, but even more it was the talk me'n Jane had. Operating without a history all those years had made running real easy, but now that I actually had a history I found myself wanting more. I really wanted to see this woman who'd given me life. I'd always wondered what she looked like and I had all these images floating around my mind through the years. In some she was a gorgeous Indian princess with flowing black hair and a killer smile. In others she was old, gray-haired, looking like a queen of the woods.

I was standing inside pouring myself more tea when I heard a car horn from close by and saw Stanley's beat-up old black Mercury pulling up. Jane was peering up from the front seat like she was wondering whether I'd actually stuck around, and I could make out the shapes of two other heads in the back. The teacup started trembling a little in my hand when the doors eased open and people started piling out. I went and stood by the front door waiting for someone to tell me where to go, what to do, what to say.

Stanley was the first one in and he just looked at me with eyes all shiny and walked on into the living room
to the teapot. Jane was next, and she just grinned at me and disappeared into the other room too.

A tail, lanky guy with long, long hair and a red bandana, wearing one of them red-checkered hunting jackets, jeans and workboots, clumped into the doorway. He was taller'n me'n Stanley and a little heavier but he had the same kinda face. He stood looking at me for a long time, nodding his head real slow and breathing real deep and long. Finally he reached out and shook my hand real firm, saluted me with a raised fist and walked on into the living room with Jane'n Stanley.

I heard her footsteps on the stairs outside kinda slow and measured. My breathing was getting shallow and I looked down at the floor, the cup shaking in my one hand while the other was opening and closing, opening and closing at my side. Her shadow fell across the floor in front of me and I stared at it for what seemed like an eternity, unable to lift my head and look at her. I heard a sniffle, a sigh and then my name whispered over and over and over.

“Garnet. Garnet. Garnet,” she said. “My boy. My boy. My baby boy.”

I looked up and saw a short woman with curly black hair that framed a round face that was still young-looking, with eyes all sparkly and wet. They were my eyes. She was built more along the lines of Jane than Stanley'n Jackie'n me and she was dressed in white slacks and a bright pink turtleneck that gave her a kinda glow. Real knockout, actually.

We stood there facing each other, neither one of us knowing whether to move, until she finally reached out and grabbed me and held me close against her. She was strong and her hug was tight. The teacup tumbled from my hand, clanged onto the floor, and I lost myself in that strong, warm hug. I could hear her start to sob and she hugged me even tighter till I thought I was gonna faint.

What happened next is what I've learned to accept as part of the magic my ma talks about all the time.

I'm standing there in that doorway with a sobbing woman in my arms, feeling tears starting to well up inside me. Welling up from someplace far removed from my eyes. Welling up from the edges of that great big hole the wind used to blow through, getting bigger'n bigger until they finally break loose and I find myself sobbing too all loose and uncontrollable. We stood there sobbing away, hugging tighter and tighter still. And then as the tears began to quiet down the magic happened. Our breathing got slower and deeper. Still locked in that hug I started to be able to feel the rhythm of her heartbeat against the empty side of my chest. My attention got focussed on it and I felt its
barrrrumpa, barrrrumpa
echoing through me. And bit by bit as I lost myself in that heartbeat, any doubt I ever had about this woman being my mother began to disappear. My speeding brain got quieter and quieter and I felt more and more relaxed and safe and sheltered and warm until I began to realize that I'd felt this same way somewhere back in my past. I
don't know what it was but something somewhere deep inside me recognized that heartbeat. Recognized it from the days way before I ever slid out into this world. Recognized it from when her body kept me safe and sheltered and warm. Recognized it from when she was all vibration, fluid and movement. From when our souls shared the same space and time. My mother.

And I cried deeper and longer than I ever had before or since.

It still took me'n Ma a while to get around to actually speaking to each other. We roamed around the house all that day peeking over at each other while everyone else gabbed on and on. Every now and again we'd meet up at the teapot and I'd kinda reach out and touch her sleeve or she'd touch my shoulder and we'd just smile all shy and quiet at each other. Me, I didn't know what the hell to say and I guess Ma was in the same boat. Stanley'n Jackie'n Jane just shook their heads and grinned whenever Ma'n me would pass each other by.

I conked out for a nap sometime in the early evening and when I woke up the house was empty. Walking around looking out windows, I saw Ma sitting out back of her house up on the hill beside a small fire. She looked all small and alone so I decided I'd head on up there and keep her company. I could still feel the effects of that long hug in the doorway.

She saw me coming from a ways off and by the time I got there she had a fresh pot of tea brewing on the fire
and an extra cup set beside a camp chair. I watched her watching me as I approached.

“Ahnee, my boy,” she said and smiled. “Nuhmutabin. Sit here. Tea?”

“Sure,” I said, settling into the chair and looking around. “Nice view up here.”

“Hey-yuh,” she said. “Me, I come out here lots. Winter even too sometimes.”

Something in the way these people talked was kinda soothing and it felt real familiar already. The soft roll of Ojibway was gentle on the ears. As if she were reading my thoughts she smiled over at me.

“Don't speak Indyun, eh?” she asked.

“No. Never learned.”

“Ah, s'easy. What I said to you there, nuhmutabin, means sit. Try it.”

“Me? Nah. I'll never learn.”

“Never know 'less you try. G'wan.”

“Well, okay. How's that again? Nuh … mut … bin?”

“Nuh … mut … AH … bin,” she said, a little slower and smiling. “Nuh …mut …ah … bin.”

I tried it out while she smiled and nodded. The words felt good rolling offa my tongue and I giggled to think I'd just said something in Ojibway for the first time.

“Nuhmutabin!” I yelled and waved at a small group of people goin' by in a boat on the lake below us. They gave me a weird look then waved back.

My ma laughed and I watched as her face all crinkled up with it, the fire starting to throw small shadows on it.
It was getting darker by now and the air had that crisp northern edge.

“Yeah, me I come out here lots,” she said. “Drink tea, think, look around. S'good.”

“Yeah. It's nice. Good to be out.”

“Was it tough in there?”

I'd only meant it was good to be outside. “Kinda,” I said. “You learn to just keep to yourself and no one bugs you.”

“I'm sorry you had to go there.”

“Yeah, me too. Me too. It's over though.”

“Hey-yuh. S'over.”

We looked at each other just then and with that fire kinda crackling and the wind picking up and whistling it reminded me of something but I couldn't recall what. Again it was like she was reading my mind.

“We used to sit like this, the buncha us, way over there. See that place where the lake cuts in there, way down? That's where we used to have a camp when you were just small. The buncha us would sit there in the evenin's round the fire like this. You useta really like that, watch the fire all the time.”

“I, uh, I … don't remember. Not really anyway.”

“S'okay,” she said and grinned at me, “s'okay. Us we remember for you.”

“You remember all about everything, don't you?”

“Hey-yuh. I remember all 'bout ev'rythin'. Ev'rythin'. All them years. Ev'rythin'.”

“I don't blame you, you know. About me going to foster homes, I mean. I don't.”

She smiled, and her eyes were wet with tears. She started poking the fire with a long stick sending embers flying up in the breeze that I had to duck from. She stared into the fire for a long time before she spoke again.

“Me, I did. Your dad, him too. He was good man that John Mukwa. Good man.

“We di'n' know what to do. We come home that day an' your granny was runnin' around all crazy lookin' for you kids. We searched the bush and called for you all that night. Was round noon next day when they came with their letter'n tol' us what was goin' on. We di'n' understand. Your dad, he never did. We di'n' know nothin' 'bout their system then, di'n' know we coulda fought it. We jus' thought we failed you all.

“Two years after that your sister found me in Minaki. She run away from that home and come lookin' for us. Us we were drinkin' it up all over. Lucky she found us. Tol' me 'bout the other two boys bein' okay an' then she tol' me you were gone, she di'n' know where. We cried together in that bush that day me'n Jane.

“Pretty soon I sobered up. Started askin' for visitin' rights and got 'em after a while. Saw those kids regular all through the years till they come home on their own. Stayed together in those homes, all three of 'em.

“Your dad, he never forgot or forgave 'em for what they done. Couldn't. They hurt him real bad. I tried bringin' him home one time an' he stayed here 'bout a week, pacin' round, takin' long walks in the bush, hardly talkin' and you could tell he was fallin' apart inside. One
day I woke up he was gone. Died 'bout three months after that. He was a good man, John Mukwa. You look like him, you know?”

“Really? Do you think … do you think he woulda liked me?”

She smiled all soft across the fire at me and a little tear skied down one cheek. She nodded real slow and then looked off across the lake, breathing deep and long.

“Oh yes,” she said really quietly, “oh yes. Useta come an' talk to you while you were still in my belly. Tol' you things, like my name, his name, all 'bout your fam'ly, even sang you songs at night. Sometimes he'd be singin' so soft an' low that me, I'd fall asleep. Wake up after and him, he'd be sleepin' too with his head on my belly, one hand kinda lay across it. I remember thinkin' that me, I had two little boys in my belly those times. Oh yes, he'd liked you, my boy, he'd liked you.”

I gazed out cross that lake, watching that eternal blue edging into darkness and thinking about this man that was my father. John Mukwa. The name had something to it now and I got the feeling that it would always mean quiet nights and fires, songs sung low in Ojibway and sleeping deep and long, safe and sheltered and warm. My father. As I watched that night be born, I saw a tiny little star wink into view and I named that star the Bear Star right then and there. And I knew that whenever I felt lost or lonely that I could wander out when the night was being born and wait for that tiny little star to wink into view and talk to my father, tell him about my
life and maybe even sing him a song in Ojibway all soft and low.

We sat by that fire most of that night, Ma'n me. We didn't talk too much but we shared that time together and it felt right. Just before she got up to head on in to sleep she looked over at me and smiled.

“M-m-m-Ma?”

“Yes, my boy?”

“I … I know my father's name. But … but … I don't know what your name is.”

One wrinkled brown hand went to her throat for just a second and she sniffled slightly. When she spoke it was very soft.

“Alice. My name is Alice Raven. But all I ever wanted you to call me was Ma. That's all, my boy, just Ma. 'Kay?”

“Okay, M … m … Ma.”

“Wanna know why I like to come here so much, my boy, winter too even?”

“Yeah. I wanna know that.”

“Well, us Indyuns, we sing songs all the time. Songs are 'bout as important as prayer. We sing them songs to the spirits of our ancestors who are part of them northern lights now. Sing songs for the animals we hunt, songs for the Creator, thank him for life, all kindsa songs.

“When I d'in' know where you were no more, I wanted to sing a song for you wherever you were. Maybe protect you out there, keep you safe. Maybe even bring
you home to me sometime. Wanted it to be a special song, wanted it to be your song forever.

“But I couldn't find no words. Came out here night after night tryin' to sing you somethin' but couldn't find no words. Too much tumblin' round inside me to find what I wanted to sing most. After a while though a song was born and I been singin' it almost ev'ry night for 'bout fifteen years now. Wanna hear it?”