Keeping Your Head After Losing Your Job (8 page)

Let’s take a closer look at how you put yourself down.

4: Examine your negative thoughts about yourself

What are you saying to yourself about you? Perhaps you are like some people who label themselves as a “failure”: “I don’t have a job, I must be a failure.” Perhaps you even think of yourself as “unlovable”: “Who would want me, if I don’t have a job?” You are engaging in all-or-nothing thinking, and you are “labeling” yourself. It’s as if everything about you is a failure if you don’t have a job right now. Is that really true?

EXERCISE: ANALYZING A NEGATIVE THOUGHT

Let’s start working on the thought “I am a failure.” Answer the following questions:

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How much do you believe (from 0% to 100%) that you are a failure?

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What would count as successful behaviors in life for someone?

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Have you ever had successful experiences?

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If someone else lost their job, would you consider them a “failure”?

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If you were a failure and then got a job would you be a failure the minute before you got the job and a success right at the very second you accepted the job?

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Are there some behaviors that you can engage in now that are rewarding and meaningful?

Now, looking at your answers to these questions, is it possible this label you give yourself is unfair and inaccurate? Look at how Claire, whom we met in Chapter One, dealt with these questions:

Claire realized that her criticisms of herself were unfair and unrealistic. She was personalizing a job loss—blaming herself—and then discounting all the other behaviors, accomplishments, and qualities that she had. We tend to do that when we label ourselves as a “failure” because we fail to see the bigger picture of the multifaceted qualities that each of us has. A specific job at a specific time is one part of the many experiences in your life.
You are bigger than one job.

5: Are there any advantages to criticizing yourself?

Some people think that they if they lose their job they have to feel bad about themselves, and they have to be depressed. But losing your job doesn’t imply anything that is necessary about how you think about yourself. If 26% of people are out of work during a three-year period, why would they all have to feel bad about themselves? What good is that? Losing your job is a
situation
—something that happens—but how you think about yourself is up to you. And it’s also up to you whether you use this time between jobs to be depressed or to be adaptive.

Sometimes we think we can motivate ourselves if we criticize ourselves. For example, you might think, “I lost my job, so if I don’t put a lot of pressure on myself and criticize myself for being unemployed, I won’t have any motivation to look for another one.” It’s true that you don’t want to become complacent or lazy, but how will putting yourself down really help you look for a job? It’s like saying, “If I get really depressed I will do a terrific job in finding that next job.” The opposite is probably true.

Acceptance, not criticism, is helpful

You don’t need to criticize yourself to solve problems and find a job. If you want to solve problems—like searching for a job, getting your CV together, networking with people, or developing new job skills—you are better off accepting your situation and taking care of yourself. You are likely to do better at interviews if you are feeling confident than if you are feeling depressed.

Or perhaps you think that self-criticism is “being realistic.” First, you may have lost your job because of a situation external to you. One man lost his job in sales because the technical training he was selling had become somewhat obsolete.

Another woman lost her job in public relations because the company she was working for was getting less business. But even if you did do something that led you to get fired, being realistic is simply acknowledging and recognizing the mistake—and then working out how not to repeat it. First we will look at self-criticism and then, a little later, I will distinguish between self-correction and self-criticism.

EXERCISE: WHAT DOES SELF CRITICISM ACHIEVE?

Ask yourself these questions:

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Do you think that criticizing yourself has any advantages?

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Do you think that you will motivate yourself or that you are being realistic by criticizing yourself?

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What is the real evidence that criticizing yourself is helping?

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How is criticizing yourself hurting you?

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Is criticizing yourself really helping you solve problems?

6: What if I lost the job because of what I did?

Sometimes you lose your job because you are not doing your job properly. I doubt this accounts for the high rates of unemployment, but it’s a point worth considering. Sometimes people lose their job for good reasons—and it’s really their fault. How can you deal with this reality without sinking into rumination, guilt, and excessive self-criticism? One man lost his job because he became passive–aggressive when his boss did not give him priority.

When we are passive–aggressive we withhold from other people by purposefully not doing what they expect us to do. It’s a way of being hostile without owning up to it. He was late getting work done, he complained to other colleagues (who, in reality, can never be trusted with your complaints), and he stopped acting like a team player. It was true that it was his fault. Another woman was sacked because she was continually asking for reassurance from her colleagues and her boss, and became too “high maintenance.” Another man lost his job because he got into arguments with his boss. Perhaps the boss over-reacted, but in the real world you need to play along with the team or you won’t play at all. So how can you handle this kind of situation that leads to “realistic” self-criticism?

Do a realistic assessment of your mistakes

All of us make mistakes. The people I described above truly did things that led to them getting fired. Let’s face it, sometimes you can be your own worst enemy. Rather than ruminate (dwell and brood) on your mistakes, make up a list of what you did wrong and keep it handy. You want to learn from your mistakes rather than repeating them. One man listed the following: “Complaining about my boss or the job to other people at work; not getting work done on time; expecting and demanding fairness in everything.” Now he has a list of mistakes not to make again.

Make a to-do list of how to improve your future performance

Knowing your mistakes helps you avoid repeating them. It’s called “learning.” Criticizing yourself is not the same thing as learning. No one says, “I did well on the test the second time because I criticized myself.” They are more likely to say, “I took it seriously. I studied this time.” You may have made some really stupid mistakes, but why dwell on them? Use them for a to-do list for your future job. For example, make a list of objectives so that your mistakes can improve future performance: “Don’t complain, don’t avoid, get work done on time, don’t argue with the boss.” Move forward with a plan to make things different in the future.

Replace self-criticism with self-correction

Self-criticism involves all of those useless, depressing labels about you: “I screwed up, I’m a failure, I can’t do anything right.” Even if they are true, getting stuck on self-criticism keeps you trapped. If you play tennis and your coach tells you that you swung the wrong way, don’t sit down and criticize yourself. Swing the right way. Self-correction is a plan of action that leads you forward, propelled by the learning involved in making mistakes: “In the future I commit to getting the work done and not complaining.” Once you have moved the self-criticism into self-correction you have a plan of action. You can let it go, plan for the future and enjoy the present moment.

Why feel shame? When we are ashamed, we sink into a morass of self-negation, we become depressed, isolating ourselves, and refusing to get out and try again. Self-correction is the opposite. You are knocked down—perhaps because you tripped up—but you get back up and learn a new way to cope. Let’s take a closer look at how to reduce your shame.

EXERCISE: TURNING CRITICISM INTO SELF-CORRECTION

Look at your past mistakes afresh by answering these questions:

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Do a realistic assessment of your mistakes.

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Make a to-do list of how to improve your future performance.

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Replace self-criticism with self-correction.

7: Reduce your shame

The consequence of your shame is that you may isolate yourself: “I don’t want people to know I’m not working.” As a result you stay home, don’t return emails, and hide from the world. This leads to more rumination, more shame, and more isolation. In Japan, many businessmen who are unemployed get dressed in their suits and leave their apartments in the morning, take a train to a different part of the city and sit in the park all day. They don’t want their neighbors to know they don’t have a job.

If you have ever known anyone who lost a job, would you treat them like a pariah—an outcast who is a social leper? Or would you sympathize with them and try to think of how you could be supportive? As mentioned earlier, perhaps you are not giving your friends and family enough credit—perhaps they can be understanding, compassionate and supportive. Perhaps they have gone through the same thing that you are going through.

Talking to others can help you

Some of my clients who have been unemployed have found that there are some people out there who actually want to help. For example, one client, Phyllis, told her friends that she was out of work and looking for a job. One of them knew someone in another company who was looking for new employees and Phyllis was able to get an interview. Sometimes talking to people means that they might talk to other people on your behalf, and your network of connections grows. Isolating yourself only decreases your chances of finding a job.

It’s true, though, that there are going to be some people who will avoid you (some former colleagues perhaps), or even judge you. There could be a lot of reasons why people avoid you. Some may be afraid of getting fired themselves and may view maintaining contact with you as a liability. Others may feel guilty that they have kept their job while you have lost yours. Still others may simply be self-centered and think that you can’t help them anymore so they don’t bother.

That says something negative about them, not about you. I’ve always thought that when someone I know is having a hard time, it’s my turn to step in and support them. If there are people out there who are judgmental, then keep in mind that you never want to be like them. One day—when you have that job—someone else you know will be unemployed. And you can be a better friend than some fair-weather friends that you may have had.

Shame is not a way to cope, and being laid off is not a personal failure. It’s a situation that needs to be addressed. I don’t recall there being an eleventh commandment that says, “Thou shalt not lose thy job.”

EXERCISE: UNDERSTANDING YOUR FEELINGS OF SHAME

Put your feelings into context by answering these questions:

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What do you avoid because you feel ashamed of being unemployed?

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Do you think that other people who don’t have jobs should feel ashamed? Why or why not?

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Would you be supportive to someone who lost their job?

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Even if someone thought less of you, does that mean you have to think less of yourself?

8: Act against your shame

It’s one thing to realize that your thoughts are unfair and inaccurate, but it’s another to actually change your behavior and act against the way you are thinking. If you are ashamed and are isolating yourself—or avoiding certain situations or people—then you are still holding on to these shameful thoughts and feelings. Are you avoiding family members, neighbors, friends or former colleagues? You are probably doing a lot of mind-reading—that is, anticipating what other people might think without even knowing. For example, your mind-reading might be something like this: “My cousin will think I am a loser. She won’t want to talk to me.” How do you know? Perhaps your cousin is actually someone who could care about you. Perhaps they loved you before you had the job that you no longer have. Or you might think, “If someone I worked with thinks less about me, then I have to think less about myself.” Does that make sense? Should you base your self-esteem on what someone else might think—someone who is unfeeling, uncaring, and judgmental?