Killer Queen: A Painted Faces Novel (20 page)

“What!?” I exclaimed, incredulous.

“Oh, for crying out loud. Don’t give me that. You
love her. I watched you falling, and now you’ve fallen. The problem is that
you’re either in denial or you’re incapable of interpreting your own emotions.”

I went silent then, my head a rapidly spinning
wheel. I didn’t know what to make of what Phil was saying to me. The only
person I ever truly loved was my mother. The way I felt about Fred was so
different, yet equally intense. After a couple more minutes of quiet, Phil
swallowed down what was left of the whiskey he’d appropriated from me and said,
“Ah, the penny has finally dropped. I’m right, aren’t I? You do love her.”

My gaze, which had been focused on the surface of
the dressing table, rose to meet Phil’s. “I feel like I need her more than air.
Is that love?” I practically whispered the words, but I already knew the
answer.

Phil pursed his lips in a way that made me think he
was suppressing a smile. “Oh, yes, my friend, that’s love. Now, first things
first. You know I hate to beat around the bush, so I’m just going to give it to
you straight. You need to quit the booze. It’s a crutch that you keep running
back to every time life gets hard. I thought you’d be able to handle a drink
every now and again, but it’s obvious that you can’t. Do you want me to help find
you some meetings? Maybe get you onto a programme?”

I let out a long breath. “You’re right, and yes,
perhaps some meetings will help.”

Phil clapped his hands together. “Good stuff. We
need to get you sober and healthy if you ever want to be deserving of that
fabulous fucking woman. We’re not going to rush this. Take it all a day at a
time.”

Relief flooded me. Phil was certainly turning into
my very own guardian angel. Every time I needed a good firm slap and a dose of
reality, he was willing to give it. Literally.

I spent the next two weeks turning my entire life
around. I went to the gym every day, attended meetings for alcohol addiction,
and started eating healthily. I also began putting my all into my performances
at the club. I was miserable without Fred, but I was making progress, and I was
planning on winning her back, no matter what.

And that brought me to now. A while back, long
before Edinburgh, I’d agreed to join Fred and her friends for a weekend at a
music festival. I’d been talking to Sean at the club, who was now officially
Harry’s boyfriend, and it was all still on. I’d have bet my last penny Fred was
hoping I’d back out of going, but no way was that happening. This was my chance
to repair the damage I’d done, and a whole weekend in her company was the prime
opportunity for me to do that.

I went out and bought a brand new tent and a
sleeping bag, as well as a couple of other camping-related items. I might have
gone a little overboard, but I was excited. As I made my way to Harry’s place,
where we were all to meet before leaving in the van he’d borrowed to take us to
the festival, my heart was beating ten times faster than normal. I couldn’t
believe how anxious I was.

If I wasn’t trying to cut alcohol out of my life, I
might have said I needed a drink.

When I got there, I was relieved to find Fred and
Nora still hadn’t arrived yet. There was a big group of people going, including
Harry, Sean, Harry’s brother Colm, his friend Eric, Nora, Fred, their friend
Anny, and Nora’s new boyfriend, Richard. It was a ragtag bunch if ever I saw
one.

As we packed our things in the van and waited for
Fred and Nora to get there, I ran various apologies through my head. I couldn’t
seem to settle on the right one, though. Perhaps I could simply get down on my
knees and beg for her forgiveness.

Too much?

Not enough?

Christ, I really couldn’t decide. I needed to take a
piss before we left, so I went to the bathroom. When I came back out, I
immediately heard Fred laughing, and it was like a balm to my senses. I hadn’t heard
that laugh in weeks. She stood by the kitchen counter, joking with Sean, and
seeing her for the first time in so long was almost too much to handle.

She was breathtaking. Now that I knew I was in love
with her, lost to her, owned by her, every single thing about her fascinated
me. I wanted to touch her so badly but knew I couldn’t, and that made it almost
a physical torture. I was so close and yet so far.

She turned to face me. Our eyes locked, and then
hers began to move slowly down my body before returning to my face. I enjoyed
the fact that she was checking me out.

“Freda,” I said, my voice worshipful. We stared at
each other for a long time, and I would have killed to know what she was
thinking.

“Hi,” she said curtly, and glanced away. She seemed awkward,
and I didn’t want her to be. I wanted to erase the last few weeks and go back
to being best friends again. There was a wall behind her eyes now when she
looked at me, and I hated it.

The rest of the gang entered the room at that
moment, all laughing over something.

“What's so funny?” Fred asked, turning her attention
away from me.

“Oh, Anny fell over trying to squeeze her bag into
the back of the van. It was hilarious,” Nora told her.

 “Hey! I could have really hurt myself,” Anny
complained.

“That's what made it so funny,” Colm added, and
winked at her. She seemed to enjoy the wink.

 “All right, is everybody ready to hit the road?”
Harry asked as he came out of his room with the last of his things. After that,
they all began making their way out to the van, but I desperately needed to
talk to Fred properly before we set off. I felt like I had a million words to
say to her, but I didn’t know which order I should put them in. She began
walking out of the room, but I took hold of her elbow to stop her. She turned,
and our eyes locked yet again. There was a draw between us, and I knew she felt
it, too; she was just trying really hard not to.

 “Can I talk to you for a minute, Fred?” I asked
softly, pleadingly, my eyes flickering back and forth between hers.

“I have nothing to say to you,” she whispered,
dismissive.

“Please,” I went on. I wasn’t above begging at this
point.

“Come on, you two,” Harry interrupted. “We need to
get a move on if we want to snag a good camping spot.”

I swore under my breath as Fred yanked her arm out
of my hold and hurried outside. It was a godsend that the last two seats left
in the van were right next to each other. We would have to sit side by side. I
climbed in beside her, and then Harry started up the engine and pulled out of
the driveway. I took the opportunity to properly take her in. She was wearing a
pretty cream sundress, knee-high socks, and brown leather boots. There was
something about the socks that made my mind wander.

I leaned a little closer to her and murmured in her
ear, “You look great, by the way.” Then I made a point of moving my knee a
fraction, allowing our legs to touch. Her body went rigid, and she drew her
knees together in an effort to keep from touching me. When she looked out the
window, ignoring me, my gut sank. This wasn’t going how I’d planned at all.

 “I've really missed you, Fred,” I whispered to her,
baring my soul in the back of a lime-green Volkswagen van.

I saw her visibly swallow before she replied
harshly, “You didn't want me, so why would you miss me?”

“I’ve always wanted you.”

“I can't talk about this now,” she snapped, and
folded her arms across her chest defensively. This wasn’t going to be easy, not
by a long shot. I decided to accept defeat. For now.

“Okay, maybe later, then.”

Over the course of the journey, I began to grow
restless. I was pushing my luck when I started moving my leg so that my thigh
rested against hers. The first few times she moved away, but after a while she
let out a long sigh and gave up. I felt like I was winning. Sitting so close, I
could smell her, and it was intoxicating me.

She was listening to music on her iPod. I knew it
was the usual punk rock that she favoured, because I could hear the power
chords coming through the headphones. At one point, she closed her eyes and
laid her head back. The sight of her with her eyes closed, her chest rising and
falling slowly, was difficult for me. It was hard not to lean in and claim her
soft mouth. I had to keep clenching and unclenching my fists to keep from
touching her. My eyes trailed to her breasts, the lush, feminine curves of them
drawing my gaze.

I’m not sure how much time had passed when she
opened her eyes and caught me staring. I gave her the tiniest grin, and she
began to blush. How I’d missed that blush. She knew what I was thinking about.
I made a bold move by running my finger down her hand and taking it into mine,
sliding my fingers through hers. She gave me a single tortured look before
closing her eyes and pulling out her earphones.

 “Stop it. Stop making this difficult,” she pleaded.

“You won't talk to me. What do you want me to do?”

 “I just want you to leave me alone. You've done
enough damage,” she said, and her words cut me to the quick.

I squeezed her hand tighter. “I know that. Believe
me, I've been hating myself ever since the night you left. But I've been
thinking a lot, too, and I have some things that I need to say to you. But I
can't do that if you won't hear me out.”

Her breath escaped her in one long rush. “
Fine
.
We can talk later, somewhere private after we get to the festival. Good
enough?”

Her agreeing to at least talk calmed me. “Yes,
that's good enough.”

***

When we arrived at the festival, we all quickly
found a good spot to set up camp and got to work. As I assembled my tent, I was
overly aware of Fred as she sat in a folding chair beside Nora, eating an
orange and trying not to be obvious about watching me. I smirked to myself,
wondering if my extra-fit physique after my fortnight of hard workouts had
impressed her.

She and Nora were having a whispered, serious
conversation about something, but I was too far away to hear. A little while
later the other girl, Anny, joined them, and they all started laughing. Well,
Nora and Anny did. Fred didn’t look very happy, for some reason.

I decided to join their conversation as I called
over, “What are you three giggling about?”

“Unsavoury liquids,” Anny answered. “Fred doesn't
want me getting any on her sleeping bag when I shag Eric.”

I chuckled at her response, my gaze flickering
momentarily to a disgruntled Fred and then back to Anny.

“So he's a foregone conclusion, is he?”

“Of course, who could resist all this?” she replied
with sass.

“Who indeed,” I said, looking at Fred again. “You
can share my sleeping bag if anything happens to yours.” There was a teasing
lilt to my voice, but I was deadly serious. In fact, I’d have killed to have
her share my tent.

“I'll survive, thanks,” she bit back sardonically.

“Have it your way.” I frowned and went back to
working on my tent.

After a while Fred disappeared off somewhere. I
wanted to talk with her, and she promised she’d hear me out, so I went in
search of her. It took about an hour of walking around before I spotted her
sitting on a patch of grass, eating. I quickly went and grabbed a hot dog from
one of the food stands. When I returned, she was thankfully still in the same
spot.

“Mind if I join you?” I asked her hesitantly.

She glanced up at me, and there was something
appealing about looking down at her like that. Unfortunately, the expression on
her face was far from welcoming.

“Do I have a choice?” she responded defensively. Her
tone was telling me to piss off, but I was determined.

“You always have a choice, Fred.”

She sighed. “Fine, sit. It's a free country.”

I sat down, folding my legs. I got a little
uncomfortable when she glanced at the Coke I was drinking. “No alcohol for you,
huh?”

“I'm trying to avoid it, to be honest. It's never
been something I could enjoy in moderation anyway,” I said, and a small spark
of sympathy flashed in her eyes.

 She fiddled with the hem of her skirt and looked
away. “That's good, then, that you're avoiding it.” Her voice was soft, caring.

“It is. Is this a good time for us to talk?” I
shifted a bit closer to her. Silently, she nodded.

I cleared my throat before I began, “When you said
what you said to me, Freda, you have to understand, despite the way I reacted,
it was the happiest moment of my life.”

I’d come to this realisation just a couple of days
ago. It was the reason why I was so angry when she told me she only said it to
make me feel better, because despite my thoughts, there had been a trickle of
true happiness lurking in the recesses, overjoyed by the fact that someone was
telling me they loved me. And yes, even after she denied it, somewhere in the
back of my mind, I knew she was lying. My weeks of sobriety allowed for lots of
soul searching, lots of analysing why I pushed her away like I did.