Killer Queen: A Painted Faces Novel (21 page)

“Seemed more like it was the saddest. You didn't
look happy at all,” she said, still staring at her lap. I wanted her attention,
so I took her hand in mine and gave it a meaningful squeeze. Then I let the
floodgates open. I told her everything that had been in my head for weeks,
desperate to get out.

 “I was sad because I was sad for
you,
Fred. I
know I joke about wanting to corrupt you, but that's all that it is, a joke.
You are so pure and clean, and I felt like I was soiling you by being the
person you fell in love with. Women have told me they loved me before, but it
wasn't real — it was just momentary lust mistaken for love. When you said it to
me, I could tell that you truly felt it, and it terrified me. That's why I sang
that song to you when you came to the gig to see me. I needed to drive you away
somehow. I've never had a time in my life when I've been consistently balanced.
I've gone from being on top of the world for months, performing in amazing
nightclubs the world over, to living in my own filth and losing myself in a
bottle of whiskey. I was scared that if you fell any deeper in love with me
that I'd end up reverting back to one of my low points and dragging you down
with me.”

Her eyes grew watery, and for some reason, it
relieved me. It reassured me to know she was hearing me, that my words were
giving her something.

 Then she began to speak. “Phil visited me. He told
me about what you were like before he brought you to Dublin.” Her voice was
heavy and full of emotion. The tears in her eyes told me she was on the verge
of crying, but she held it back.

 This was news to me, but it wasn’t surprising. Phil
had always been the type to meddle. I rubbed my thumb along the inside of her
wrist, and she bit her lip. “He told you that? When?”

“About two days ago. He came to my apartment, trying
to play Cupid, and urged me to go talk to you because you'd lost your spark, as
he put it.”

Oh, he certainly was an interfering little shit. I’d
be having words with him about this, because I was angry that he’d told Fred
about my messy days of depression before he came and saved me. The problem was,
I knew his intentions were good, so it was hard to stay angry.

“I'm sorry he bothered you like that. I promise I
didn't send him with a sob story to try and win you over. I didn't want you to
ever know about any of that.”

“So it's true, then, what Phil said?” she asked.

 “Yeah. Phil's rescued me from shit situations my
whole life, and I've returned the favour for him a few times, too.”

Definitely not enough times, though, especially
considering what a difficult fucker I could be when I was drinking.

Fred took a deep breath before speaking. “I
understand why you get down. But don't you think that maybe if you allowed
yourself to be with someone, then you wouldn't be so sad anymore? Human beings
aren't designed to be alone. And I know that you're hardly alone when you're
performing for clubs full of people every night, but sometimes you can be in a
room packed with others and still feel absolutely isolated.”

The truth and depth of understanding in her words
took my breath away.

“I know that now, Freda. That's what I've come to
understand. These past weeks without you have been the worst of my life. Even
worse than when I'd been a comatose drunk. I'm not going to ask if you'll take
me back, because we were hardly together long enough to properly define what we
were. But if you could just find it in yourself to give me another chance, I
promise I won't let you down again. If you think you can't forgive me enough to
be with me the way we were in Edinburgh, then please consider just being my
friend again. My life is shit without you in it.”

She drew in a long, shaky breath, chewing on her
lower lip.

“You seriously fucking hurt me, Nicholas.” Tears she
was trying to hold in laced her words. She sat back and pulled her hand out of
mine. My heart sank, thinking this was it. She was going to push me away for
good, despite our heart-to-heart. I felt like grabbing on to her and never
letting go. Instead, I brought my hand to her cheek, caressed her skin, and
told her honestly, “God, I know I did, and I hate myself for it.”

She stared at me, golden eyes full of emotion, and a
silence fell between us. She was holding my heart in her hands, and she didn’t
even realise it. Abruptly, I tried to prevent her from destroying me so soon. I
didn’t want to hear that she didn’t want me anymore. Not yet.

“Listen. You don't have to give me an answer right
now. I'll go away, and you can think on it. Come to me when you know what you
want.”

My words were hurried and desperate. She gave me a
look and nodded in agreement, but didn’t say anything. I took that as my cue to
leave, picked up my long-forgotten food, and went.

Soundtrack:
“One Day Like This” by Elbow

After
I left Fred, I wandered aimlessly about the festival for a while, chatted with
a couple who happened to be from New Zealand, and then went back to my tent to
sleep. It was early, but I wasn’t feeling much in the mood for company,
especially since I was trying to stay sober in what was basically a field full
of drunk people.

And how I was feeling was dangerous, because I was
missing Fred, and loneliness often led me straight to a bottle.

It was later in the night that I woke up, having
heard voices coming from outside. Pulling on my boots and jeans, I stuck my
head out of my tent to find Fred sitting on the grass, her head in her hands.

 “Fred, are you okay?” I called to her, and she
quickly turned around.

She let out a long, frustrated sigh. “I'm fine,
except for the fact that Anny is shagging somebody in our tent when I told her
not to. What are you doing here? Didn't you go with Nora and the others to
listen to some music?”

Giving her a sheepish look, I replied, “I wasn't
really in the mood. I'll go see some bands tomorrow, though. Where have you
been?”

“Harry and Sean took me to do yoga. It was actually
kind of fun.”

I smiled then, thinking I’d definitely like to watch
her doing yoga poses.

“Now, that's something I regret missing,” I told
her, my voice a low rumble.

I glanced over her head, grinning, because Anny was
being very loud now. The reminder of what was going on in her tent only seemed
to sour Fred’s mood further. In fact, she sounded upset, which quickly wiped
the grin from my face. I didn’t like it that Fred was distressed.

“Jesus, I can't believe all my things are in there.
Thank God everything's zipped up and I didn't take out my sleeping bag yet. I
guess I'll just have to wait until they're finished.”

“She shouldn't be leaving you with nowhere to go
like this. It isn't right,” I said, jaw tight.

“Anny doesn't exactly think with her brain all too
often. She's more inclined to go where her knickers tell her. I've only got
myself to blame for organising to share with her anyway.”

I was impulsive when I said, “Come and stay with me
for the night.” I wondered if she could see how my gaze burned into her in the
dark.

“Nicholas, I can't....”

“I don't mean like that. I just mean to sleep. I've
got the biggest tent out of all of us, and there's only me in it. I've got more
than enough room.”

She looked at my tent then, and I could tell that the
fight had gone out of her. She seemed tired.

Somewhat reluctantly, she gave in. “Okay, then, but
I haven't got any of my things.”

“I'll go and get them,” I offered quickly, and moved
toward the sex tent. Fred hurried to stop me, grabbing hold of my arm.

“You can't go in there, they're still —”

I gave her a smirk. “I don't care what they're
doing, Freda. I'm getting your bags for you. Now go get in my tent. I'll be
back in a minute.”

With a look of defeat, she did as I asked and turned
away. When I quickly unzipped the tent Anny was in, I had to hold in my
surprise when I encountered a
ménage a trois
. She was getting fucked by
Colm while Eric fondled her breasts and wanked himself off. I could have done
without seeing all that, but I was happy to take the bullet, glad Fred hadn’t
had to deal with it. Anny yelped when she saw me, but the boys didn’t stop what
they were doing.

I gave her a wink and grinned. “Don’t mind me, my
dear.”

Her eyes glazed over again as she lost herself to
the pleasure. Then she brazenly grabbed onto my arm when I went to pick up
Fred’s things.

“Stay,” she murmured past a moan. I’m sure she
thought it was very erotic, but it did nothing for me. I shook my head at her
and swiftly made my exit. What I wanted certainly wasn’t in here; it was on the
other side of the campsite.

When I crawled back inside my tent, Fred seemed
antsy. I noticed one of my T-shirts was sticking half out of my bag, and I
didn’t remember it being there previously. It made me curious, wondering if
she’d been looking through my things, but I quickly brushed away the thought. I
was still trying not to laugh and/or cringe at what had just transpired in the
other tent.

 “What? What happened?” Fred asked, seeing something
in my expression.

I zipped my fingers over my lips and shook my head.
I didn’t want to cause any trouble between Fred and Anny, and despite the fact
that Fred and I weren’t together, I didn’t think she’d be pleased to hear that
Anny had tried to invite me into her threesome. I set her things down beside her
and then started the process of removing my boots and jeans. Fred still wanted
to know what had happened, though.

 “Nicholas! You can't just not tell me. It isn't
fair. Now I'm dying to know.”

I climbed inside my sleeping bag in my shorts and
T-shirt before turning to her, holding myself up on my elbow. Giving her an
amused look, I finally said, “She has two guys in there with her, Colm
and
Eric.”

Her eyes widened, and her hand instantly went to her
mouth in shock. “Oh, my God. This is a new extreme for her.” She paused, then
gave me a curious look. “I knew something was up. She was making an awful lot
of noise. What were they doing?”

“I'll leave that to your imagination, I think.”

“Fine, I guess I don't really want to know anyway,”
she grumbled, and went about getting ready for sleep. I watched her all the
while. Everything inside me was thrilled to be this close to her, to be
spending time with her. She narrowed her gaze at me when she saw I was still
looking.

“Turn around for a minute, would you?”

I gave her a long, heated stare, purposefully sucked
on my bottom lip, then finally turned around. I couldn’t help it when I turned
back before she had finished changing, managing to catch a glimpse of her bra
and her soft stomach before she pulled a T-shirt on over her head. When she
glanced up and saw me looking, her expression hardened.

“What are you doing?!”

 “I thought you were finished,” I lied, unable to
hold back a smirk.

“I would have told you if I was finished,” she
complained, rolling out her sleeping bag, her posture rigid. I felt like giving
her a massage to ease some of the tension.

“It's not anything I haven't seen before,” I told
her tenderly.

“That's not the point.”

I leaned forward a little and murmured, “Do you want
to know what my favourite part of your body is?”

I saw her swallow before she rolled her eyes and
gestured to her chest. “I'll take a wild guess, shall I?”

I grinned. “Nope, though they are a close second.”

“Go on then, enlighten me,” she said, pretending to
be bored. If the goose bumps on her arms were anything to go by, she definitely
wasn’t bored.

Feeling brave, I brought my hand to the lower part
of her belly and stroked downward. “This part. It's all round and soft. I'd
love to fall asleep right here.”

She inhaled sharply, her eyes glued to my hand. By
the way her pupils had dilated, I could tell she liked me touching her…she just
didn’t
want
to like it.

“Good to know. You can move your hand now,” she said
throatily.

I did move my hand then, but not before I caressed
the bit of skin peeking out of the end of her T-shirt with my thumb. I watched
intently as she dragged her lip between her teeth on a harsh breath. When I
pulled away, she lay down in her sleeping bag and closed her eyes. She tossed
and turned restlessly for a while, so I knew she hadn’t yet fallen asleep.

 I couldn’t help but whisper to her, “Those two
nights we spent together in Edinburgh were the best of my life. I've never been
with a woman that intensely before. It feels like forever since I was last
inside you.”

“Let's just go to sleep, Nicholas. I'm exhausted,”
she replied, but her voice was strained and low, and I could tell that she was
turned on by the memory.

“I'm not sure if I can sleep with you right over
there.”