Killian: A West Bend Saints Romance (33 page)

I
t was eleven
, but I still wasn't asleep.  After what happened earlier- after I'd cut myself- I should have passed out, gotten the crash after the adrenaline spike, the crash that usually settled things, gave me relief.

Except this time, I was lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling in the darkness.  There was no adrenaline spike, no crash.  It was still just me and my thoughts.

When a white light flickered through the window, I paid no attention.  Until it happened a minute later, and then a third time.

Heart racing, I slid out of bed and stood beside the window, trying to see out without putting my whole face in the window pane.

It has to be paparazzi,
I thought, regretting my choice to stand there.  I could hardly see anything.

Then the light hit me directly in the eyes.  "Fuck."  I jumped back to the side, anger flooding my veins.  "Son of a bitch."  I turned the latch and pulled up the window pane.  "Whoever the fuck you are, you can get the hell out of here."

The camera flash I was expecting didn't come.  Instead, I heard Elias' voice.

"Shit," he said.  "I didn't mean to scare you."

"What the hell are you doing?"  I yelled, then immediately lowered my voice, mindful of June's house just across the meadow.  My heart was pounding in my chest.  "Are you fucking high or something?  Or are you trying to give me a heart attack?"

Elias dipped his flashlight to the ground.  "Come down and let me in."

I exhaled and swore under my breath, heading down the stairs and out to the front porch.  I pulled the door wide open, and Elias stood in the doorway, grinning at me.  "What the fuck are you doing here at eleven o' clock at night?"

"I wanted to see you," he said.  "Couldn't stop thinking about you."

I squinted at him.  "Are you drunk?  You smell like stale beer and smoke."

"What?" he asked.  "No. I mean, I might have stepped in some beer at the bar."

"You're showing up here after being at a bar all night?" I crossed my arms over my chest. "You think I'm that easy, or just stupid?"

Elias looked down at the ground, rubbing the toe of his boot into the porch. When he looked up, he had a sheepish expression on his face. "Fuck," he said. "It was a mistake coming here." He turned around and started to walk away.

Shit.
I couldn't believe I was about to do this.

"Wait," I called, and he turned to look at me over his shoulder. "Come back."

When he returned, I squinted at him under the porch light. "You're really not drunk?" I asked.

"Do I look like it?" he asked. "Really. I'm not. My mother smokes. My brother works at a bar. I wasn't planning on coming here."

"You just took a wrong turn, or what?" I still didn't move from where I stood. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to let him in or tell him to go home. My heart raced, thinking about what might happen if I let him in, what I might want to happen with him. When I thought about it, I could still feel his lips on mine, his hands on the small of my back.

A shock of arousal ran through my body at the thought of his touch.

He shook his head. "I don't fucking know," he said. "I just couldn't face going home."

There was something in the way he said it, standing there with his hands in his pockets, that made him seem vulnerable. It was just a flash, a chink in his armor, and then it was gone. But it made me think there was more to him than what I'd seen.

"So you'd rather spend the night with a stranger than with people you know?" I asked, my voice soft. I stood close to him, looking up at him in the soft porch light.

He shrugged. "Sometimes the people you know are the biggest strangers of all."

"I'm not sure I want to let you in, Elias," I said, my voice soft. I just couldn't stop thinking about that damn kiss.

"You can tell me to leave," he said. "If you want me to go, say the word and I'll walk away."

I could barely hear his words, couldn't focus on anything except his lips as he talked.  I wanted to feel his breath on my skin.

"Leave."  I called his bluff.

"No."

"You said you would."

"Only if you don't want me," he said.  "But you do."

"You don't know a damn thing about what I want."  The words left my mouth, hanging in the space between us.  They rang false even to my ears.

He didn't back away.  Instead, he reached up and traced his finger down my chest, toward my cleavage.  "That's why your pupils are as big as fucking saucers. And why your breath is short," he said.  "Because you
don't
want me."

"My breath is short because I just came running downstairs," I said.  "After some jackass with a flashlight shined it through the window in the middle of the night."

"Were you sleeping?" he asked, his voice gravelly.  He reached out and pulled me tight against him, but I didn't protest.

"No."  I wasn't going to tell him about my night.  I could already feel shame closing in on me, threatening to overwhelm me again.  I didn't want Elias to see that I'd cut myself, and he would.  "Go home, Elias."

"Do you mean it?"

Of course not.
 I screamed the words, inside my head.
Don't leave.

"Yes," I said.

Before I could say anything else, his mouth came down hard on mine, and I let out an involuntary moan as his tongue found mine.  When he kissed me, I could feel it through my whole body.

He pulled away from me, and I gasped.  "Still don't want me?" he asked.

I didn't answer, and when he stepped back a few feet, I was disappointed. "You're leaving?"

"Fuck, no, I'm not. I'm fucking staying. Don't move.  I'll be right back."  He returned with a bag in his hand.

"Is that your suitcase?  That's not presumptuous at all," I said.

"It's been sitting in the car. I never unpacked.  Thought you might want a change of clothes, too, since you didn't bring much of anything. I figured you didn't make a run out to town to the store."

"I could use some clothes," I admitted.

"Can get you some in town tomorrow," he said. "Although, as fair warning, they may not be exactly what someone like you is used to." He set his bag down and walked around the room. "This place is nice. You really got the whole thing to yourself?"

"Yeah," I said, my eyes lingering on his ass again as he turned to look at some pictures on the fireplace mantel. "What do you mean, someone like me?"

"West Bend doesn't have a Rodeo Drive or shit like that, you know."

"Do I look like I need designer clothes?" I asked, my voice indignant. "I think when you first kissed me, I was wearing pajama pants, if you remember correctly."

But I could see him grinning, even with his head half-turned away. He put his hands up. "I'm just saying, being a big star and all that, you might not be wanting the country shit West Bend sells."

"Pretty sure I'll be fine."

"You going to show me the bedroom or what?" he asked, turning to face me as he leaned against the brick of the fireplace.

I laughed. "That's direct."

He shrugged. "You want me to beat around the bush?"

I laughed at the phrase, and he grinned wickedly. "Uh-"

"Don't worry, darlin'," he said, "I'll get to that part." Elias gave me a long hard look, and then, without speaking, stepped forward into me and put me over his shoulder like I was a rag doll. I shrieked when he put me over his shoulder.

"Elias," I protested, more surprised than anything else, "You can't carry me upstairs.  Your leg.  Put me down."

But he carried me upstairs like it was nothing.  "You don't know anything about what I can or can't do," he said, spinning around as he faced one of the rooms.  "There are firefighters that carry people heavier than you with gimp legs like mine.  Is this the room you're staying in?"

"Yes.  Are you going to put me down?"

"I'm debating whether or not I want to," he said, caressing my ass with his hand.  "I might just keep you here a little while longer."

"Put me down, asshole," I said, but my voice was less insistent the more he touched me.  When he set me down, one hand around my waist and the other on my ass, he made sure I slid down his body on the way and that I stayed firmly pushed up against him when my feet touched the ground.  I wasn't exactly about to protest, especially when I felt his hardness against me.  "Carrying me upstairs got you all hot?"

"Fuck yeah it did," Elias whispered into my ear, his mouth close to me.  "Can't think of much else that would get me more worked up than getting to go all caveman on a girl like you."

I didn't move, reveling in the feeling of him so close to me.  "A girl like me?"

"Yeah," he said.  "In case you weren't aware, you're hot shit."

I laughed.  "You have a way with words."

He pulled away from me, just a bit, and smirked.  "I'm better with my mouth," he said.

I felt a flush of arousal at his words. "God, you're filthy."

He winked. "You have no idea," he said.

I shook my head.

"What?" he asked, his hands on my arms.

"I don't know what to think about you," I said.

"I'm a fucking enigma."

I laughed. "That's a big word for a .... I don't even know what you do."

A dark look crossed his face briefly, quickly erased by his joking manner again. "Do you need to know?"

"It would be nice to know who I'm sleeping with," I admitted.

He had inched closer to me, or I'd moved closer to him, I'm not sure which. But I was so close that if I arched up on my tip-toes just a little bit more, I'd be able to reach his lips. I was watching them move as he talked, unable to think of much else other than that I wanted them on me.

"Sleeping isn't something I had in mind," Elias said.

"Oh?" I asked. "What did you have in mind?"

"I'm going to ruin you for other men, River Andrews," he said. "That's a fucking promise."

I felt a thrill rush through me at his words, my face flushing warm under his gaze.

Elias lifted the edge of my t-shirt up, played with it for a moment, like he was trying to make a decision. Then he pulled the fabric up over my head, his gaze taking me in. He drew me against him, his fingers running lightly up the length of my back, and I felt him inhale deeply, his chest rising.

I didn't know what the hell to think about this guy. He was definitely not like the guys I was used to in Hollywood, with their hair products and eyeliner and bullshit sensitivity. Elias was bossy, mouthy, and just plain dirty.

But I felt myself relaxing into him as his arms enveloped me.

He was silent for a minute, before he slid his fingers under my chin and tilted my head up to meet him. He pressed his lips against mine, harder as I responded to his kiss. He probed my mouth with his tongue, practically fucking me, and desire rushed through my body as his tongue found mine, and I kissed him back, hungry for him, hungry for his touch. I wanted his hands on me. I wanted him inside of me.

I reached under his t-shirt and he pushed my hands away. "What?" I asked.

"It's not-" he paused. "It's not...pretty. Just as a warning."

"What isn't?" I was confused for a minute, my head clouded with lust. I slid his t-shirt up farther, my hands running over the surface of his chest, and he shook his head as he pulled it the rest of the way off.

"I told you," he said, standing perfectly still, as if he were afraid I would run away, screaming in horror.

I traced my fingers over the maze of scars that crisscrossed his chest and shoulders, the skin rippled, his tattoos disjointed as if they were modern art paintings or something, not quite pieced together where the scars disrupted them. I looked up at him.

"Shrapnel," he said. "From the explosion. Skin grafts cause of the burns."

"That's how you lost your leg?"

Elias nodded, not speaking.

I kissed his chest where the scars were, ran my palms over the ridges on his skin. His eyes were on me, I could feel it, and when I looked up at him, he had a strange expression on his face, pleasure accompanied by pain, I thought. "I told you it wasn't pretty."

"You don't strike me as the kind of guy who tries to be pretty anyhow," I said.

A slow smile crept over Elias' face. "You're fucking all right, River Andrews," he said. "For an actress." He ran his finger down the side of my face, and I turned my face into the warmth of his palm.

"It's Gilstead." I blurted it out.
Why did I just say that?

"What is?"

"My name. It's not Andrews. It's Gilstead." I don't know why I felt like I needed to tell him.

Elias nodded. "River Gilstead," he said. "Okay." He ran his palm over my hair, then down to the nape of my neck.

"I thought you should know my real name since I'm going to be sleeping with you," I said. I was babbling, nervous as hell. It came out awkward-sounding. I felt so incredibly self-conscious.

He threaded his fingers through the hair at the base of my neck, gripping it tightly and pulling back, angling my face toward his. I felt my breath catch in my throat. His other hand traveled down the waistband of my pants and he cupped my ass cheek in his hand, pulling me against his hardness. "I already told you," he said. "We're not going to be doing any fucking sleeping. Once I get my cock in you, you're not getting any rest."

He slid his hand around the front of my hips, down between my legs. "No panties," he said.

I bit my lip and shook my head. "Need to go shopping."

He let out a sound under his breath that sounded like a low growl, and touched his fingers to my clit. I arched toward him, wanting his lips on mine, wanting all of him. I hadn't been touched in so long.

"Oh my God," I whispered. His hand was still at the base of my neck, gripping my hair tightly as he held my head in place, ensuring that I didn't break eye contact with him. The way he watched me while he touched me, his gaze intense as his fingers rolled over my clit, made me want to come immediately. "I want you inside me."

"You want me to fuck you?" he said, fingers dancing over my clit.