Kissed by Reality (9 page)

F
unny thing about innocent mistakes
, they don't slap you across the face until after you realize you've done something wrong.

When I'd kissed Ian in the kitchen in Bermuda, I barely remembered it five seconds after it happened. The producers had set a bottle of white wine in front of me, put on some good music, and I'd relaxed, talking and having fun with some other cast members. As they began to dwindle, begging off for bed or to spend time with the person they'd begun dating, the producer assigned to me kept refilling my glass, convincing me to have another.

"Hey, why not?" I'd thought, I was in paradise, I had nothing else to lose. I'd forgotten that the cameras were never off, that the show was never over until I boarded a plane for home and even then, the shit you did followed you forever. I didn't blink an eye when Ian came to sit with me, flirting and busting my chops. I was a flirty person in general, everyone around here knew it. So when that same producer insisted that I spice up my plot line, let Ian give me a kiss, I didn't refuse. I was too drunk to realize what I was doing, and although that really shouldn't constitute as an excuse, I didn't think I was doing anything wrong.

I'd let him kiss me, and then I'd forgotten about it. He'd been sent home the next night because no one gave him a link to his watch, and the moment slipped from my memory like sand through fingers. The thought hadn't even been brought back to my consciousness until I'd been sitting on that couch at the Wyatt's house, laughing along with Finn's entire family.

As soon as Ian had begun flirting with me on screen, my stomach began to churn and my body went stiff as a corpse. Dread and doom were pinpricks down my spine, and I knew I had to turn it off before my shame could be displayed in front of them. After the first fight Finn and I had had about the flirting with Ian previously, I had done every thing in my power to make it up to him. To show him that I was the woman he had decided to make his wife.

After they all saw it, the innocent kiss he'd laid on my lips, his father had tried to throw me out of the house. Julian's "I told you so" vibe permeated the air so thickly that I almost couldn't breathe. Marina wouldn't meet my eyes.

None of it was as bad as Finn's reaction though. Stark silence. He wouldn't utter a word besides, "leave." He wouldn't go somewhere private with me, he wouldn't even entertain the idea of an explanation. I was banished, sent to the curb like a piece of trash.

I deserved it. I knew what it all looked like. And the Wyatt's, Jesus they were such nice people. I knew it wasn't just that I'd kissed someone behind his back. With Finn, it was the trust. He was the most honest, noble person to ever walk the earth, and I'd severed his trust so irreparably that there was no going back.

I never got the chance to give that explanation, not that it was a good one. He refused to speak to me, to see me. And now I knew, he hadn't even been thinking about me.

I rested my head against the window of the coach bus, my brain rattling around inside my skull as the wheels bounced over the highway on the way to Blarney.

Finn had slept with someone else after I'd left. Maybe a lot of someone else’s. After the earth-shattering orgasm, his confession, or rather ultimate silence, had made me want to vomit. Talk about a boner killer.

Sleep hadn't come that night, or last night. I was barely keeping my eyes open on the bus ride, when I should have been thrilled. I was going to one of my top travel destinations. I was going to get to kiss the Blarney Stone.

Except that something I'd been looking forward to since I'd been a little girl no longer held any excitement. My world was dim, a lackluster damper cast over everything. For the first time, I realized that I could lose Finn, seriously lose him, and it would be of my own doing.

It wasn't that I was conceited, but I'd always been a confident girl. Every relationship I'd been in, I knew the other person had loved me just a little bit more than I'd loved him. It was the same with Finn. Yes, I loved him unequivocally, but I also knew he'd jump in front of a bullet for me, sacrifice his happiness so that I could achieve my own. And call me a bitch, call me selfish, I needed that in a relationship.

Finn's statement last night confirmed that we were now on an even playing field, or maybe he even had a leg up on me. Because while he'd shown he was still attracted to me, still worshiped my body, the fact that he'd slept with other women while I had gone barren as the desert proved I needed him more now. I was the desperate one. It wasn't a role I'd ever been cast in, and I had no idea what to do, where to go from here.

"Wait, so you actually have to bend backwards to kiss this stone?" Monica whined, examining her cuticles in the seat in front of me. She was in a black leather mini dress, black bomber jacket and four-inch gold stilettos. Clearly someone hadn't gotten the memo on how we were going to be trekking through the Irish forest today. Or she just didn't care.

I let her stupidity roll off of me, knowing she'd be going home soon. She'd been last to receive a charm in the ceremony last night, a sign that Finn was growing tired of the producer's keeping her around for sex appeal and ratings.

He'd called my name third last night. I didn't know whether to consider that a good thing. But I did have a delicate four-leaf clover dangling from my charm bracelet, so at least that was something.

We were down to 12 now and dwindling every day. Finn was getting closer to Erin and Kennedy. He'd taken her on a one-on-one date yesterday, a boat tour of Dublin Bay. I knew for a fact that he'd kissed her, the sparkle in her eye and flush of her cheeks were tell-tale make-out signs. Not to mention she seemed to be floating on a cloud for the rest of the night. She was falling for him, and if I knew Finn, there were feelings from his end too. It wasn't a surprise that my assumptions were gutting me, spilling my internal organs from the gaping hole in the middle of the body. I had to stem the damage enough to appear happy, collected. I could not let these girls smell my fear.

"I heard the locals pee on it!" Jordan, a petite blonde chirped up.

"Are you guys serious? You have the IQs of a carrot." I heard Nina, a feisty Asian girl from Queens, grumble from somewhere behind me.

That was the other thing. We were at the part of the competition where everyone started to get sick of each other, and the drama escalated. The girls who were having real feelings for Finn couldn't put up with the "around for the audience's viewing pleasure" girls.

This wasn't my first rodeo, I knew how the tides turned, when the mood went sour. I wasn't touching this shit with a ten-foot pole. I was here for Finn, and with recent developments, I needed to keep my head down and focus on what the fuck I was going to do to win him back.

"How rude!? Just because we didn't have our parents breed us to know long division when we were two doesn't mean we're stupid!" Monica shot back at Nina.

"Asian stereotypes? Nice one." The audible thump of Nina slouching back down in her seat confirmed that the mini-catfight was over for now.

I chuckled at Nina's response though. I genuinely liked the girl, although she wasn't for Finn. While I might be quietly controlling and manipulative, she was far too pushy and loud with her needs and wants. That was not what he needed whatsoever.

"Are you okay?" Erin's sweet, raspy voice had me looking over at the once empty seat next to me. The one she now occupied. "You've seemed off. Do you feel sick? Can I get you anything?"

Talk about people worthy of Finn. Jeez, the girl was a nun in a knockout's body and had the sweetest personality. One that you couldn't even hate because you knew she was totally genuine and not just playing at being nice. I could still be pissed off a little.

"I'm okay. It's just not the easiest being here." I couldn't help the tiny bit of truth that escaped, Erin's mahogany brown hair, honest green eyes and friendly smile were wearing me down. She was the perfect girl-next-door.

"I get that. It's beginning to get harder to watch the man you're falling for fall for other people. And it must be hard with your mom going through what she is."

So she was falling for him. The other half of her logic rang true as well, it was fucking hard not being home with my mom. Sure, she sounded okay on the phone when I called her each day, but who the hell knew what she was keeping from me just so I'd stay here. I'd begged her to let me come home multiple times, told her I needed to be there for her, to help her fight this together. She'd told me, and I quote, "You better not come back here until you have that diamond on your left hand again and Finn on your right arm."

She was one tough cookie, my mom. Me though? I'd thought I was. But with my mom's cancer and everything going on here, I felt a massive breakdown coming.

Shoving it to the back of my brain, and my heart, I pointed out the window the massive stone structure coming into view.

"Look," I said to Erin, "There is Blarney Castle."

Thank god. Saved by the medieval building.

"
I
don't think
I can do this..."

Why the fuck had I waited until all of the other girls went? Did I think that was going to give me time to compose myself, to conquer my lifelong fear of heights in 25 minutes?

Because it fucking hadn't.

All waiting had done was allow me to watch 11 other girls be dangled by their ankles as Finn held them down, reach blindly backwards and kiss some stupid stone that was suspended about, or what looked like to me, 200 feet above the ground.

"Yes you can, Leighton. Just come sit down over here." Finn's voice wasn't bordering on annoyance, but filled with compassion and concern.

I'd been dancing around kissing the Blarney Stone for 10 minutes now as the camera crew filmed me freaking out and Finn trying to talk me
onto
the ledge.

His reassuring tone came again. "Leight, look at me."

My eyes darted to his face. His brownish-blonde hair was windswept, making it look tousled and impossibly sexy. His eyes, deep and blue like the darkest denim, held mine, a small smile emanating from them and reaching in to grab my heart.

"You can do this. I'm going to be holding you the entire time."

My body burned, my head and heart taking on an entirely different meaning to having his hands on me. An image of us tangled together in the den flashed in front of my eyes and I could feel the crotch of my panties dampen just as the hair on my arms stood up with electric arousal.

Still, underneath the lust and fear I felt heartbroken. Finn’s words from the couch last night rattled around in my head, leaving me disappointed and confused. I tried to shove it to the back of my brain. It wasn’t a topic of conversation meant for public consumption of the ears of the other women. I’d address it when we were alone. If that ever happened again.

I moved toward his outstretched hands where he kneeled by the hole in the turret wall of Blarney Castle. The Blarney Stone was a piece of rock built into the side of the castle wall all the way at the top. We'd climbed the 127 steps to get up here, and I'd been shaking by the time I'd made it to the top. Sure, the views were absolutely stunning and I would never get this chance again, but it didn't mean I wasn't petrified of doing a backbend and hanging 37 feet above the ground on to some measly metal bars for support.

I lowered myself down, sitting with my back to the gaping hole and the steel gripping bars and the Blarney Stone. Finn kneeled in front of me, smiling until his dimples popped out and momentarily distracted me from the peril I faced.

"You've been waiting to do this for a long time. Don't you want to be eloquent for the rest of your life?"

The stone was supposed to gift each kisser with the ability to speak well and abundantly.

"Don't I already have that? I think I'm a good enough conversationalist already, you know?" I tried to make my eyes look pleading enough where he would let me get up.

"Come on Leight, you have to do this." He reached out and squeezed my hand in his, and if I wasn't already a ball of nerves, I would have exploded from the butterflies crashing into the sides of my stomach.

Finn was right though. Because for this wasn't just about the gift of gab. My mom had spoken for so long about how the Blarney Stone bestowed luck. About how when you kissed it, some magic aura was placed around you, blessing your life and the wishes you hoped to achieve. I know it sounded corny and unrealistic, especially to a cynic like me, but I could use some luck in my life.

"Promise you won't let go?" Jesus, I sounded like some desperate version of Rose in Titanic.

"I promise." Finn strapped his hands firmly around my ankles and nodded, giving me the signal to lie back and reach blindly for the poles parallel to my head. Nerves and fear coursed through my veins, but with Finn's strong hands gripping my legs, I took a breath and went for it.

The whole thing was over in a matter of seconds, and I felt like one of those kids who cried for an hour in line for a roller coaster and then told their parent they loved it after the thing stopped. I didn't feel some enchanted spell being cast over me when I pressed my lips to that cold rock. But Finn had consoled me, and he hadn't let me go. So maybe that was all of the luck I needed for right now.

A
nd just like that
, we were down to 10.

We flew from Ireland to New York, where I had a two-on-one date with Mackenzie, the marine biologist, and Nina, who resided in the city. I decided at the end of it to let both of them go. I knew it was a relief to Nina, who told me she liked me as a person, but couldn't see it going any further. I regretted not having chemistry with her, because I really valued her mature and realistic honesty.

Mackenzie was another story. She burst into hysterical tears and buried herself into my shoulder, swearing that she could make this work and to please give us a chance. I felt like a horrible person making her that upset, but I just knew she wasn't the girl for me. She was nice but there was no spark, and unfortunately I wasn't the type of man to string women along. The right guy was out there for her, and I wasn't going to hold her back from that.

I'd taken five other girls on a group date to the Statue of Liberty. City folk weren't usually my thing, but even I could admit that New York was a spectacle all of its own. It was like a living, breathing thing, this city, and it made anyone in it feel vibrant and alive too.

Today was actually a free day, a rare break in shooting where the crew got some shut eye and the stars, if you could really call us that, got to explore whatever destination without worrying about cameras catching our every move.

I was sitting at the rooftop bar of the hotel we were staying in, The Gansevoort, which was of course closed because it was the end of January. Even though it was below freezing, I had to come up here and see the views. You could see the city laid out at your feet, hear the sounds and movements of all of the action below, feel the vibration of the metropolis flowing through your blood.

“I guess there was another weirdo who thought it would be a good idea to come up here in 20-degree weather.”

I turned to the source of the voice and saw Erin moving toward the railing where I stood. Her brunette locks peeked out from underneath a white knit beanie that fell to just above her eyebrows. She wore a knee-length cherry red winter jacket that belted in the middle, making her look warm but cute.

"We are in The Big Apple, so I had to come see it for myself. What's the point of sitting inside, when you can look at this view?"

She looped her arm through my elbow resting on the steel balcony and snuggled her head into my shoulder. Involuntarily, I leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

I sighed and looked out, surveying the skyscrapers dominating the landscape and secretly wishing for the farm and country back home. It would be so easy to fall in love with Erin. She was easy. Not that kind of easy, but just...easy to be around. Easy to talk to. Easy to laugh with. Life with her would be a walk-in-the-park, an enjoyable Sunday drive.

But as much as I was a simple guy, for some reason I just couldn't settle for easy. No, I couldn't get stubborn and difficult out of my head.

"You don't need to punish yourself for still being in love with her, you know." Erin's raspy voice touched my ears and mixed with the orchestra of the street sounds below.

"Huh?"

"Leighton. I see the way you look at her. The way you look at each other. It's clear you still love her."

"Erin, I..." She'd caught me off guard and my tongue couldn’t seem to come up with anything to say.

"No, it's okay. I understand. You two shared something that some people may never get in their lifetime. Yes, she hurt you beyond belief, but she's a good person deep down. Even I can admit that and I shouldn't be openly coming forth with it, especially to you."

I stayed silent, rolling her words around in my head like marbles.

"But Finn, you have a shot to have that twice in your lifetime. Yes, you may love her, and you may know her on a deeper level than you know me, or anyone here, but...there is a reason it didn't work the first time. I'm not one to say that it was because you weren't meant to be. I'm just going to say that you need to stop and consider the other options. I'm having some very strong feelings, and to be honest, I'm falling in love with you."

My heart did a weird thing when she spoke those words. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing, but it was like the organ in my chest didn't know how it wanted to feel, so it just needed to move to test things out.

"I never thought I'd be that girl, the one who admitted to getting in deep in such a short amount of time. But I really, really like you Finn. And I think you like me too. We are good for each other."

Erin pulled on my arm, bringing me to face her. Once I did, locking my eyes with hers, she pushed up on her toes and planted a light, but meaningful, kiss on my mouth. "Just think about what a future for us would look like."

She quietly walked inside, leaving me on the rooftop with even more thoughts swarming my brain than I'd had before she came out here.

Did I even want a future with Leighton? Hell, I knew people made mistakes. It wasn't like I'd ever let her explain her side. We'd never even discussed it after she'd left my parent's house that night. The fact that I'd been buried deep inside of her only a week and a half ago proved that I was willing to forget about her betrayal, even for a little while.

Was I willing to forgive too? Or could I imagine a future with another woman. With Erin?