Knights and Kink Romance Boxed Set (105 page)

Shen Fu fiddles with his mustache for a minute,
giving it a nervous twitch. “Shoot.”

“Why did Syr Phillip help pay for these gifts?
What’s he got to do with the Great Dark Horde? After all, he’s
sworn fealty to the Midrealm, something Hordesmen can’t do. Or so
I’ve heard, anyway.”

A slow smile spreads across Shen Fu’s face. Diane
and Jerry clink their Diet Coke cans together in a victory toast.
“Aha!” Shen Fu finally blurts with glee. “Lisa, you’ve asked the
golden question. To give you the answer you’re seeking is exactly
why we’re here.”

“I don’t understand,” I say.

Diane gets up from her spot on the couch and comes
to sit beside me on the floor. “The Great Dark Horde is a lot
bigger than most people think,” she explains, reaching out to touch
my hand with her own papery one again. “We’re everywhere, you see.
Including a lot of places where no one thinks to look.”

“Like on the throne of seven different SCA kingdoms,
and soon to be eight,” Jerry adds, his old-man’s voice bubbling
with an oversugared child’s excitement. “Not to mention some of the
top leadership roles in a couple of other Living History groups
that have splintered off from SCA and the Renaissance Festival
circuits over the years. We’ve managed to infiltrate just about
everywhere that historical reenactors congregate. Except for the
Civil War folks, but that’s just because there weren’t any Mongols
in the Civil War.”

“But we’re working on the Civil War groups anyway,”
Shen Fu adds with a chuckle. “They’re just too big for us to
ignore.”

“Infiltrate? What do you mean?” I say, shocked.
“What are you people, the Mafia?”

Shen Fu smiles and heaves a heavy sigh. “Think of us
more as a hippie peace organization that still knows how to have
some fun, and to make a few bucks while doing it.”

“You keep saying that the Great Dark Horde is about
peace,” I say. “Which is weird, because the only Horde members I
know are violent.” I’m thinking specifically of Master Melphus when
I say this, but I’m too polite to name names.

“Most Horde members are not actually violent,” Shen
Fu says carefully, “but some of them
appear
violent. It’s
all part of an elaborate, shall we say, ruse. There are of course a
few bad apples scattered here and there as well.”

“Like Master Melphus?” I ask.

Shen Fu smiles. “We prefer not to name names. Let’s
take care of more important business first. Lisa, we are here today
to ask your help in securing the East Kingdom throne for the Dark
Horde, among other things.”

I’m already lost, but I’m not ready to admit it yet.
“What other things?”

“Well, one, the Horde begs you not to renounce your
Crown Princess title, and two, the Horde begs you to reconsider
ending your relationship with our most favored brother, Syr Phillip
Reginald of Blackstar."

“Okay, stop it right there,” I exclaim. “Are all of
you telling me that Syr Phillip is your
brother?
All
of you? I mean, you all seem a little old to be his siblings—“

“Our
Horde
brother,” Diane corrects. “All
Hordesmen and Hordeswomen are brothers and sisters of peace and the
sons and daughters of Mongolia.”

Okay, so now I’m
really
lost. “Uhhhh—sorry, I
don’t understand.”

Jerry rolls his eyes. “Lisa, what we’re trying to
tell you is your boyfriend Syr Phillip is a secret brother of the
Great Dark Horde. He has been for years—he’s been a member of the
sacred House of Blackstar since the late 80s when he joined up with
the Horde after his sister and mother died at Pennsic 14. And the
House of Blackstar is the oldest, most powerful household in the
Horde.”

The House of
Blackstar!
Slowly, a few recent
incidents start to take on new significance. Is that why people
like Mistress Naomi turned tail and ran when Pegeen mentioned I was
Syr Phillip Reginald of
Blackstar’s
most favored lady? Maybe
so. Clearly, there are a lot of underground elements to the SCA
social structure I have yet to understand. “So—what does that mean
for the Dark Horde now that Syr Phillip will become King?” I
ask.

Jerry clears his throat. “Let’s just be blunt, Lisa.
The Dark Horde’s been waiting to get one of our brothers on the
Midrealm throne since—well, since the beginning of the SCA, and now
that we’ve finally done it, we can’t have something like a little,
inconsequential romantic dispute messing that up.”

I feel my neck stiffen with suspicion. “What do you
mean?”

Jerry and Diana both roll their eyes. “Shen, you
didn’t tell me the
chaugu’aa
here was this stupid,” Jerry
hisses.

Shen Fu holds up his right hand in a calming
gesture. “Now now, Jerry,” he says. “Let’s not insult Lisa, even if
she is both a green newbie
and
a
chaugu’aa.”

“What the hell did you guys just call me?” I blurt,
offended. “Chewbacca?”

“
Chaugu’aa
,” Diane says. “It’s what Hordesmen
call non-Hordesmen. It’s the Mongol word for outsider.”

“Oh,” I say, still clueless.

Shen Fu begins to pace the room slowly, taking on
the emotionless face and soothing voice of a master diplomat. “What
Jerry is trying to say, Lisa, is your ahhh—strong reaction to what
you saw going on in Phillip’s private prince’s chamber on Saturday
has had quite a bad effect on our dear Horde brother. He’s really
quite broken up about it. I’ve known Phil ever since he was a
teenager, and truth be told, he’s always been a bit of a ladies’
man.”

“Yeah, so I heard,” I scoff. “And little too late, I
might add.” The painful sight of my half-naked knight, lord, and
prince entangled with that chain-smoking shrew Lady Ramona is still
acid-etched onto my retinas.

“Well, Lisa, Phil’s reputation didn’t come into play
with what you saw on Saturday. What you saw was an ancient Mongol
tradition called the Kingmaker Ritual. Every time the Horde has
managed to get a secret Hordesman on the throne of an SCA kingdom,
we do the ritual between the new Hordesman Crown Prince, the
sitting King of that kingdom, and key Horde members who reside in
that kingdom. Mongol tradition calls for the ritual to be done
naked, but we modern Hordesmen prefer to keep our underwear on
while we do it. King Fallon agreed to participate in the ritual
and
keep Syr Phillip’s Horde affiliation a secret in
exchange for the Horde fighting on the side of the Midrealm at
Pennsic this year. And Lady Ramona, whom I believe you know, was
just preparing to give Syr Phillip the battle-kiss blessing of the
ancient Mongols when you walked in. Given some of the rumors you
may have heard about Syr Phillip’s past reputation with the ladies,
I can certainly understand why you reacted the way you did. But I
assure you, it was completely innocent.”

“Oh,” I say, completely dumbstruck at the fact that
my supposed enemy Lady Ramona was a secret ally of Syr Phillip and
the Horde all along. “Wow. I guess I just thought, based on what
I’d heard about Syr Phillip—”

Shen Fu gives me a warm, fatherlike smile. “Lisa,
even if Syr Phillip did have a bit of an unsavory reputation with
women before he met you, he certainly had his reasons for loving
and leaving,” Shen Fu says. “He’s quite a sad person most of the
time. And he has a lot to be sad about, believe me. I suppose his
past womanizing was a kind of self-medication against how badly
he’s felt about himself all these years.” Shen Fu stops his pacing
right in front of me. “But that all changed when he met you, Lisa.
Phil is a good friend of mine as well as my loyal Horde subject,
and he confides in me a lot. I happen to know that after Phil took
one look at you, he was ready to abandon his wild, womanizing ways
for good and settle down.”

I’m stunned. “But—but I saw Syr Phillip making out
with Lady Ramona once before, at the post-revel. And she’s Melphus’
girlfriend, and Master Melphus
hates
Syr Phillip. How do I
know you’re not just covering for her or something?”

“I am aware of that whole incident,” Shen Fu says.
“Suffice to say it was also a staged act preplanned by the Great
Dark Horde. All of that night’s events were staged, in
fact—including the Tuchux showing up. The police raid, you getting
attacked by the dog, and the house fire were unfortunate
complications, but the Horde has ways of dealing with
complications, too.”

Now I’m completely lost—again. “I don’t
understand.”

“I assure you, Lisa, all will be made clear once
you’ve completed your assignment. And your mission to make up with
Phil romantically as well as convincing him to stay on as Crown
Prince is a very, very important one—not just to the Midrealm, but
to the Horde as well. All our strategic alliances for the next two
years depend on it. Phil took your very public dumping of both him
and the Crown on Saturday very hard. So hard, in fact, that he
submitted his own resignation as Crown Prince to King Fallon not
long after you left the event. He said that if you weren’t going to
be Crown Princess and his future Queen beside him, he didn’t want
the office at all. King Fallon hasn’t accepted Phil’s resignation
yet—just like he hasn’t accepted yours. But until you and Phil are
able to resolve your differences, the kingdom is at an
impasse—there’s never been a situation where a Crown Prince and
Princess resigned right after they won Crown. It leaves a giant
hole in the kingdom leadership structure and the royal ceremonies
that shape the whole SCA, as you might imagine.”

“Why don’t they just make Master Stephen and Lady
Fiona Prince and Princess?” I ask. “Master Stephen was the next
runner up at Crown, right?”

Shen Fu frowns. “Well, it’s not quite that simple,
I’m afraid. The Middle Kingdom charter requires that if the winner
of Crown resigns or dies or something before ascending to the
throne, the Middle can’t just crown the next runner-up in the
tournament—the kingdom has to start all over from square one and
have a whole new Crown Tournament, and the kingdom just doesn’t
have enough money to do that right now without throwing off the
finances for all the other kingdom events already scheduled this
year—including Pennsic. Now, the Horde generally will stay out of
kingdom political problems like this on principle, but King Fallon
is an old friend of mine from our college days together at Ohio
State, and he hired me and the Horde to try to find a solution as a
neutral third party. Well, sort of neutral, anyway.”

Now my head is starting to spin. I can’t tell
anymore where the SCA kingdoms end and the Great Dark Horde and all
its strange, undercover intrigue begins. “Why should it make any
difference to the Horde whether Syr Phillip stays royal or not?” I
ask. “I don’t understand any of this political mumbo-jumbo. I
thought the SCA was just a silly way for boring people to have some
fun and excitement in their lives by dressing up as King Arthur and
Henry VIII—not some weird, top-secret underworld of Mafia types
aiming for world domination or something. And furthermore—“

Shen Fu laughs. “The Horde isn’t about world
domination, Lisa. Like we’ve been saying all along, the Great Dark
Horde is interested in two things—peace, both physical and
mental—and making money. And as any good businessman will tell you,
you can’t make money without peace and stability.”

“Aggghhhh!” I scream. “For a group that wants so
much to give me peace of mind, the Horde is really making me crazy!
I don’t understand anything you’re saying. The SCA is a bunch of
nutty hobbyists, not a warmongering superpower! Will somebody here
just give me a goddamn straight answer for once?”

Shen Fu folds me into a big bear hug. “It’s all
right, Lisa. I’m sorry. We probably shouldn’t try to explain the
entire history and purpose of the Great Dark Horde all in one day.
We have two main things to ask of you right now—make up with Phil
first. I’ll talk about the second part of your mission in a minute.
And in true Dark Horde fashion, we will make completing these tasks
well worth your while.”

“What Shen’s trying to say is, we’ll
pay
you,” Jerry says, his eyes twinkling.

“And the Horde pays its servants well, dear,” Diane
says. “
Very
well. The pay’s even better when the kingdom we
side with at Pennsic wins.”

“How much?” I ask, almost afraid to know the
answer.

“Four thousand,” Shen Fu replies. “In two
installments, paid upon the successful completion of each task I
give you.”

“Four
thousand?”
I sputter.

As in, four thousand
dollars?

I sigh and flop back down into my
uncomfortable chair, baffled. Even if I still don’t have a clue
what is really going on in the SCA or the Dark Horde or even in my
own personal life, if there’s
that
much pay involved, maybe this whole Dark Horde
thing isn’t so bad. After all, if I end up losing my job at Delco
after becoming Queen I’m going to need some cash. “Fine, sure
whatever,” I say. “Just tell me what I need to do.”

Chapter 26

At Shen Fu’s insistence, I’m driving myself up I-70
to Syr Phillip’s condo in the Columbus suburbs, hoping to convince
him to remain heir to the throne of the Middle Kingdom. I’m not as
optimistic about restoring our romantic relationship, however. I
know now after talking to Shen Fu that I’ve behaved horribly,
jumping to all kinds of unwarranted conclusions about a man who
obviously loved me wholly and unconditionally. Given how callously
I’ve behaved, I’m not sure if Syr Phillip will be willing to take
me back.

One thing I am sure of is, most men can’t resist the
sex-kittenish hard-to-get act, and I’m banking on my hunch that Syr
Phillip is like most men in that regard. Accordingly, I’m planning
to pretend at first that I don’t know what I saw Syr Phillip doing
with Lady Ramona was really just an innocent Horde ritual—and
instead act like I’m still mad as hell. I’m praying that my
resulting hard-to-get approach will help restore the passion
between us.