Knights and Kink Romance Boxed Set (104 page)

“Shen Fu will be along in just a minute,” Jerry
says, adjusting one of his socks. “He’s still getting all his boon
offerings ready.”

“Shen Fu?” I ask. “Who’s he?”

“Shen Fu is the Supreme KaKahn of the Great Dark
Horde, my dear,” Diane says, as if I should have known. “He’s come
a very long way just to talk with you, Lisa.”

Something tells me I should take off my bathrobe and
towel in favor of some real clothes.

“If you’ll just excuse me for a moment,” I stammer.
“I need to change. There’s some cans of Diet Coke in the fridge if
you’re thirsty.”

I duck into my bedroom and ponder what kind of
outfit will impress a Supreme KaKahn offering boons, whatever they
might be. I settle on a simple pair of permanent-press khakis and a
light sweater.

When I return to my shabby-chic, spotless living
room, Diane and Jerry are both sipping sweating cans of my Diet
Coke. The fiftyish man I saw earlier—who can be none other than the
Supreme KaKhan Shen Fu——is seated comfortably in my purple La-Z-Boy
recliner nursing my last can of Pabst Blue Ribbon. There is a large
wooden box painted with the red-and-black insignia of the Great
Dark Horde at his feet. Shen Fu smiles at me, sets down the beer on
the side table, and stands up.

“Hi Lisa,” he says, extending his hand. “I’m Shen
Fu, reigning Supreme KaKhan of the Great Dark Horde. You can just
call me Shen. We Hordesmen don’t bother with all the royal
pageantry and titles that you kingdomers do.”

I take the KaKhan’s hand and am struck by the
firmness of his handshake. “Hi there, Shen,” I say, hearing my
voice crack a little as Shen Fu’s firm grip very nearly crushes my
finger bones.

“Lisa, your friend Pegeen sent us to have a little
chat with you,” Shen Fu says. Despite his low-key bluejeans,
scraggly haircut and beard, and informal manner, there is something
very regal and important about Shen Fu. “Just a little friendly
chat,” he says again. “And some important, sensitive Horde business
as well.” Shen Fu takes up the beer again and settles back into my
recliner. “Please have a seat.”

I plop down onto my wobbly ladder-backed side chair,
the only seat left in the room, nervously fiddling with my hands.
“What kind of sensitive Horde business, exactly?”

“It’s come to my understanding, Lisa, that you and
my very good friend Phil Dawson have had a rather unfortunate
misunderstanding at Crown Tournament this past weekend.”

“That’s putting it mildly,” I reply, looking at the
floor.

Diane reaches across the coffee table and puts a
papery, wrinkled hand on my own. Her touch is gentle and her
expression is understanding, yet somewhat authoritative—the kind of
look you’d expect from a kindergarten teacher comforting a
five-year-old who just wet his pants. “I can certainly understand
why,” Diane says. “I didn’t understand the Dark Horde Kingmaker
ritual the first time I saw it out in the Kingdom of the West,
either. Jerry and I didn’t speak for weeks after it happened.”

“That’s damn right,” Jerry says, and laughs. “But
all that silent treatment sure made making up that much better, if
you know what I mean!” Jerry gives Diana a playful nudge in the
ribs. I notice they’re both wearing matching platinum wedding rings
in a Celtic knotwork design.

“Dark Horde Kingmaker ritual?” I ask, stumped.
“What’s that?”

“Hopefully we’ll be able to clear that up for you
this afternoon,” Shen Fu says. “Along with a few other things.”

“Okay,” I say, skeptical.

“But first things first,” Shen Fu says, seeming to
notice my discomfort. “Before we talk about rituals,
misunderstandings, and other unpleasantness, let me make the first
of my boon offerings. Lisa, the Great Dark Horde is in need of your
services. We wish to beg a boon of you.”

“You wish to beg a
what
?”

“A boon, dear,” Diane says. “A favor.”

Now I’m even more skeptical. “I’m not sure I want to
do anyone in the SCA any favors right now,” I say. “I’ve kind of
gotten burned a lot recently.”

“The Great Dark Horde understands that, Lisa,” Shen
Fu replies, his voice taking on a rich tone that only seems to
emphasize the vague, unnamable element of importance he carries
about him. “The Great Dark Horde believes first and foremost in
peace, love, and understanding among all the persons of the SCA.
But coming in a close second is our belief in self-enrichment.
Which means, basically, what’s in it for us? When someone asks a
favor—or boon—of the Horde, we expect something in return. The same
goes for when the Horde begs a boon of someone else. That’s why we
wish to make you this boon offering before we present our proposal.
There’s no obligation, by the way—the offering is yours to keep
whether you choose to grant our favor or not.” Shen Fu kneels to
open the painted wooden box. He pulls out a lumpy bundle of
red-and-black silk tied with gold thread.

“We generally present boon offerings that are of a
value appropriate to the size of the boon we’re asking,” Shen Fu
explains, holding the bundle out in front of him. “Small boons only
require small gifts. Big ones, on the other hand—“

Shen Fu slowly unwraps the package, revealing a
beautiful solid gold cuff bracelet, studded with sparkling garnets
and aquamarines. I’m no jeweler, but the gold and gems look as
genuine as they can be. I gasp involuntarily, then check myself.
“Um, I’m sorry if this sounds rude, but is that
real
gold?”

Shen Fu smiles. “Of course, milady. The Great Dark
Horde only gives the best. Here, have a look.” Shen Fu hands me the
bracelet and I’m stunned by how heavy it is.

“One of the best craftsmen in the Horde made that,
by the way,” Jerry says. “Master Mon Fu the Mandarin, out of
Pittsburgh, a Laurel-level metalsmith. He made the East Kingdom
crowns, too. Which is kind of funny, considering what we’re gonna
be asking of you today, Lisa.”

“We’ll get to the matter of the East Kingdom in a
minute, Jerry,” Shen Fu says sharply. “Don’t jump ahead of me. I
still haven’t given Lisa all the offerings.”

“There’s
more
?” I sputter, still spellbound
by the bracelet. If the Horde is true to its boon philosophy, Shen
Fu is probably going to be asking a
huge
favor—by the looks
of it, the bracelet alone is worth more than my car.

“Lisa, we’re just getting started.” Shen Fu’s wide
grin is mischievous. He reaches into the box and pulls out another
package wrapped in red-and-black silk. “My oldest daughter made
this one. I think you’ll enjoy it.” Shen Fu makes great ceremony of
unwrapping the silk from the package, revealing a delicate
cloisonné pin in the shape of a toilet.

A
toilet?

I blink my eyes several times. “Um, it’s a little
toilet.”

Jerry, Diane, and Shen Fu all laugh. “Well, your SCA
name
is
Lisa Ladonna di Abbligatura—Lisa the Lady of the
Little Toilet. We thought you’d get a kick out of a piece of fine
jewelry that matches your name. You don’t have to wear it in
public—just think of it as a high-quality gag gift.”

And an effective gag gift, to be sure. I have to
fight not to keep the smile off my face as I pin the delicate
little toilet to my lapel. “You never know when a little toilet
might come in handy,” I giggle, patting the pin.

“I thought you’d see it that way,” Shen Fu replies.
“Pegeen told me you have a good sense of humor, when you want to.
There’s just one more thing the Horde wishes to offer you before
you consider our boon.”

Shen Fu pulls a gold foil envelope from the box and
hands it to me. “I think you’ll find this offering the most
valuable of all in the long run.”

I tug open the envelope, which contains a gift
certificate:

This certificate entitles the bearer to

1456 Far Hills Avenue

Dayton, Ohio 45432

Good for Individuals and Couples. $1000.00
value.

This gift made possible by the peace-loving
Great Dark Horde.

Stunned, I drop the certificate in my lap. I don’t
know what to think. “The Dark Horde thinks I need
counseling?”
I shout, aghast and offended.

“Actually, this last gift was at your friend
Pegeen’s suggestion,” Shen Fu explains. “She’s concerned about you.
Phil is too. In fact, Phil paid for the sessions. And I shouldn’t
be telling you this, but he helped pay for all those other gifts,
too. The Great Dark Horde is well-supported financially, but not
quite well-supported enough to procure such things on its own.”

I gingerly slide the gift certificate back into the
envelope at set it on the coffee table. “I’m sorry, Shen Fu, but I
can’t accept this gift. For one thing, I find it offensive that the
Great Dark Horde would even consider asking this beg-a-boon thing
of me after giving me a gift certificate for a
shrink
.
I’m not crazy, you know. Even if what I did
at Crown Tournament was a little, well,
rash,
I—”

Shen Fu seems to expect my reaction. “Nobody said
you were crazy, Lisa. But we all have our ups and downs. We all
need a little help now and then. The Great Dark Horde is a
peace-loving organization both within and without the SCA, and one
of the kinds of peace we advocate for is peace of mind. And I can
personally vouch for all the therapists at Dayton Family
Counseling. I’m a former client. I used to live here in the Dayton
area many years ago, and the folks at Dayton Family Counseling
helped me get through my first divorce. So please, Lisa, take the
certificate. Nobody is saying you have to use it right away. Just
hang onto it in case it ever comes in handy for you. There’s no
expiration date, by the way.” Shen Fu places a strong hand on my
forearm and squeezes gently, but instead of calming me, his gesture
sends me into a near-panic.

“No expiration date, huh? I guess that means you
think I’m going to be nuts for the rest of my life then.” I stand
up too quickly, knocking over the ladder-backed chair with a
clatter. I feel my face go hot, notice my heartbeat accelerate. I’m
more than a little worried that I might faint.

Diane and Jerry are both visibly alarmed at by my
outburst, but Shen Fu doesn’t even flinch. “Lisa, I understand I
probably caught you a little off guard just now,” he says, softly.
“Why don’t you go take a brief walk to collect your thoughts? I
don’t know if you’ve been outside yet today, but the weather’s
beautiful.”

Jerry stands up and pats me on the shoulder. “Take
your time, hon. Go get some air if you need it. We’re in no
rush.”

The heat in my cheeks starts to cool a bit, and I
manage to keep from grinding my teeth too much. But my heart is
still pumping like mad, and I’m feeling dizzy and light-headed. I
decide to take Shen Fu’s advice. “I’ll just be a minute,” I say, my
voice barely above a whisper. “The bathroom’s at the end of the
hall in case anyone needs it.”

As I slip on my sandals and step out into the
blinding brightness of the early afternoon sunshine, I try to
grapple with all the conflicting thoughts and emotions swirling
through my brain.

I walk down my driveway to the sidewalk, and start
pacing back and forth up and down my dead-end block. The rhythm of
my feet hitting the cracked, weedy pavement becomes a mantra that
calms my mind enough that I regain some clarity of thought.

Why on earth are these strange, elderly SCA
old-timers—who I have never even met before today, mind
you—visiting me when I’m playing hooky from work and bouncing from
the deepest depths of panic, anger, and depression to the highest
heights of manic frenzy? On the one hand, I suppose one could argue
that the Society for Creative Anachronism and all its strange
people and customs ruined my life, while on the other, one could
just as easily state that the SCA brought excitement, friends,
opportunities—and however briefly,
love
—to my life in ways I
might never otherwise have encountered. I’d be lying to myself if I
said that joining the SCA didn’t enrich me greatly as a person. Or
at the very least, it was the catalyst that not only brought me
closer to my best friend in the whole wide world, but also
introduced me to a whole host of new friends—known and unknown—who
all want me to be happy.

And it seems, if what Shen Fu just told me about his
paying for all the Great Dark Horde’s gifts is true, Syr Phillip is
one of those friends, too.

Wait a minute—what’s Syr Phillip got to do with the
Great Dark Horde, anyway?

There’s only one way to find out. I head back to my
apartment.

Chapter 25

I strut back into my living room, head held high. I
decide that from this moment forward, I must handle this meeting
with the decorum expected of a Crown Princess of the Middle
Kingdom. (Assuming, of course, that King Fallon still hasn’t
accepted my resignation from that office. I suppose this means I’ll
have to start returning his phone calls.)

I extend my hand out to Shen Fu in regal greeting.
“We have considered your gifts, KaKhan Shen Fu, and we have decided
to accept them.” It’s surprising, but publicly using the royal “we”
for the first time in my life is a
total
turn-on. Maybe I
won’t need Syr Phillip to still have fun being Crown Princess and
Queen after all.

Jerry, Diane, and Shen Fu all laugh hysterically.
“Actually Lisa, the royal ‘we’ isn’t used in the SCA,” Diane
finally says, sweetly.

“Oh,” I mumble, crestfallen.

Shen Fu claps me on the back and grins. “I’m so glad
you’ve accepted, Lisa. Now if you’ll allow me, I’d like to present
the Great Dark Horde’s boon.”

I set my still-overturned chair back upright and sit
down. “Before you do that, Shen Fu, I’d like you to answer one
question for me.”