Krik? Krak! (2 page)

papa found your tapes, he started yelling at me, asking if I was crazy keeping them, he is just waiting for the gasoline ban to be lifted so we can get out of the city, he is
always pestering me these days because he cannot go out
driving his van. all the american factories are closed, he
kept yelling at me about the tapes, he called me selfish,
and he asked if i hadn't seen or heard what was happening
to man-crazy whores like me. i shouted that i wasn't
a whore, he had no business calling me that, he pushed me
against the wall for disrespecting him. he spat in my face,
i wish those macoutes would kill him. i wish he would
catch a bullet so we could
see
how scared he really is.
he
said to me, i didn't send your stupid trouble maker away,
i started yelling at him. yes, you did. yes, you did. yes, you
did, you pig peasant, i don't know why i said that, he
slapped me and kept slapping me really hard until man-man
came and grabbed me away from him. i wish one of
those bullets would hit me.

The tar is holding up so far. Two days and no more leaks. Yes, I am finally an African. I am even darker than your father. I wanted to buy a straw hat from one of the ladies, but she would not sell it to me for the last two gourdes I have left in change. Do you think your money is worth anything to me here? she asked me. Some-times, I forget where I am. If I keep daydreaming like I have been doing, I will walk off the boat to go fora stroll.

The other night I dreamt that I died and went to heaven. This heaven was nothing like I expected. It was at the bottom of the sea. There were starfishes and mer-maids all around me. The mermaids were dancing and singing in Latin like the priests do at the cathedral during Mass. You were there with me too, at the bottom of the sea. You were with your family, off to the side. Your father was acting like he was better than everyone else and he was standing in front of a sea cave blocking you from my view. I tried to talk to you, but every time I opened my mouth, water bubbles came out. No sounds.

they have this thing now that they do. if they come into a
house and there is a son and mother there, they hold a gun
to their heads, they make the son sleep with his mother, if
it is a daughter and father, they do the same thing, some
nights papa sleeps at his brother's, uncle pressoir's house,
uncle pressoir sleeps at our house, just in case they come,
that way papa will never be forced to lie down in bed with
me. instead, uncle pressoir would be forced to, but that
would not be so bad. we know a girl who had a child by
her father that way. that is what papa does not want to
happen, even if he is killed, there is still no gasoline to buy.
otherwise we would be in ville rose already, papa has a
friend who is going to get him some gasoline from a soldier,
as soon as we get the gasoline, we are going to drive
quick and fast until we find civilization, that's how papa puts it, civilization, he says things are not as bad in the provinces, i am still not talking to him. i don't think i ever will, manman says it is not his fault, he is trying to protect us. he cannot protect us. only god can protect us. the soldiers can come and do with us what they want, that makes papa feel weak, she says, he gets angry when he feels weak, why should he be angry with me? i am not one of the pigs with the machine guns, she asked me what really happened to you. she said she saw your parents before they left for the provinces, they did not want to tell her anything, i told her you took a boat after they raided the radio station, you escaped and took a boat to heaven knows where, she said, he was going to make a good man, that boy. sharp, like a needle point, that boy, he took the university exams a year before everyone else in this area, manman has respect for people with ambitions, she said papa did not want you for me because it did not seem as though you were going to do any better for me than he and manman could, he wants me to find a man who will do me some good, someone who will make sure that i have more than i have now. it is not enough for a girl to be just pretty anymore, we are not that well connected in society, the kind of man that papa wants for me would never have anything to do with me. all anyone can hope for is just a tiny bit of love, manman says, like a drop in a cup if you can get it, or a waterfall, a flood, if you can get
that too. we do not have all that many high-up connections,
she says, but you are an educated girl, what she
counts for educated is not much to anyone but us anyway,
they should be announcing the university exams on the
radio next week, then i will know if you passed, i will listen
for your name.

We spent most of yesterday telling stories. Someone says, Krik? You answer, Krak! And they say, I have many stories I could tell you, and then they go on and tell these stories to you, but mostly to themselves. Sometimes it feels like we have been at sea longer than the many years that I have been on this earth. The sun comes up and goes down. That is how you know it has been a whole day. I feel like we are sailing for Africa. Maybe we will go to Guinin, to live with the spirits, to be with everyone who has come and has died before us. They would probably turn us away from there too. Someone has a transistor and sometimes we listen to radio from the Bahamas. They treat Haitians like dogs in the Bahamas, a woman says. To them, we are not human. Even though their music sounds like ours. Their people look like ours. Even though we had the same African fathers who probably crossed these same seas together.

Do you want to know how people go to the bath-room on the boat? Probably the same way they did on those slaves ships years ago. They set aside a little corner for that. When I have to pee, I just pull it, lean over the rail, and do it very quickly. When I have to do the other thing, I rip a piece of something, squat down and do it, and throw the waste in the sea. I am always embarrassed by the smell. It is so demeaning having to squat in front of so many people. People turn away, but not always. At times I wonder if there is really land on the other side of the sea. Maybe the sea is endless. Like my love for you.

last night they came to madan roger's house, papa hurried
inside as soon as madan roger's screaming started, the
soldiers were looking for her son. madan roger was
screaming, you killed him already, we buried his head,
you can't kill him twice, they were shouting at her, do you
belong to the youth federation with those vagabonds who
were on the radio? she was yelling, do i look like a youth
to you? can you identify your son's other associates? they
asked her. papa had us tiptoe from the house into the
latrine out back, we could hear it all from there, i thought
i was going to choke on the smell of rotting poupou. they
kept shouting at madan roger, did your son belong to the
youth federation? wasn't he on the radio talking about the police? did he say, down with tonton macoutes? did he say, down with the army? he said that the military had to go; didn't he write slogans? he had meetings, didn't he? he demonstrated on the streets, you should have advised him better, she cursed on their mothers' graves, she just came out and shouted it, i hope your mothers will never rest in their cursed graves! she was just shouting it out, you killed him once already! you want to kill me too? go ahead, i don't care anymore, i'm dead already, you have already done the worst to me that you can do. you have killed my soul, they kept at it, asking her questions at the top of their voices: was your son a traitor? tell me all the names of his friends who were traitors just like him. madan roger finally shouts, yes, he was one! he belonged to that group, he was on the radio, he was on the streets at these demonstrations, he hated you like i hate you criminals, you killed him. they start to pound at her. you can hear it. you can hear the guns coming down on her head, it sounds like they are cracking all the bones in her body, manman whispers to papa, you can't just let them kill her. go and give them some money like you gave them for your daughter, papa says, the only money i have left is to get us out of here tomorrow, manman whispers, we cannot just stay here and let them kill her. manman starts moving like she is going out the door, papa grabs her neck and pins her to the latrine wall, tomorrow we are going to ville rose, he says,
you will not spoil that for the family, you will not put
us in that situation, you will not get us killed, going out
there will be like trying to raise the dead, she is not dead
yet, manman says, maybe we can help her. i will make you
stay if i have to, he says to her. my mother buries her face
in the latrine wall, she starts to cry. you can hear madan
roger screaming, they are beating her, pounding on her
until you don't hear anything else, manman tells papa,
you cannot let them kill somebody just because you are
afraid, papa says, oh yes, you
can
let them kill somebody
because you are afraid, they are the law. it is their right,
we are just being good citizens, following the law
of the land, it has happened before all over this country
and tonight it will happen again and there is nothing
we can do.