La Vie en Rose {Life in Pink} (36 page)

“Why are you saying shit like that?”

Her head lowered. Didn’t he understand? She loved him too. Not only was this disease killing her, it was killing parts of him. He didn’t deserve to suffer. She was the abnormal part to his once normal life. And when an abnormality was found, it was removed, wasn’t that right?

His face softened and he returned to her side, taking up the empty space on the couch. “Em?”

Lifting her wrist, she noted how thin it had become. “How do you love this, Riley?”

“Don’t start this, Emma.”

“I mean it. How do you do it? How do you continue to watch me wither away and make me smoothies and love me the way you do?”

“I just do.” He shook his head, a baffled look in his eyes. “I didn’t fall in love with your wrists or your breasts or your hair. It’s
you
I love.”

“I know you do.” His love was the best medicine. It healed her in a way modern medicine couldn’t. His reassurance was essential in this scary state of mind, but not enough to relieve her turmoil. As much as his love saved her on her worst days, it could kill him if he never let it go.

She selfishly wanted his love, knowing every drop was a part of him he’d never get back, but she couldn’t let him lose himself to a memory. “All your love...it won’t reach my grave, Riley. Don’t waste everything you have to offer on a ghost. I love
you
too much to let that happen.”

“Stop it. We aren’t having this conversation.”

She caught his arm, stilling him from getting away. She didn’t have the strength to chase or argue. “But I need to have it.” Something major had occurred to her, something life altering. She needed to get it out. “You’re an incredible man. Whatever happens, don’t rob the world of that. You have so much love in your heart. Give it to someone who’s living.”

His jaw shifted. “Damn it, Emma. Stop.”

But she couldn’t. “The idea that I might have to do chemo again scares the hell out of me, Riley. Every day I don’t think I can get any weaker, but I do.”

Breathing roughly, he sat and cupped her face in his palms, his intense eyes staring into hers. “You’re strong, Emma. The second you start planning for death you get weak. Don’t get weak when you’ve fought so hard this far.”

She sighed. She was already weaker than he realized. “I’m scared.”

“You’re not going to die.”

“It’s not death that scares me. I think what it all comes down to is my fear of being alone. Cancer’s lonely.”

“I’m here,” he argued. “Rarity and your parents are here. You’re not alone.”

She blinked, her eyes burning more than usual. “But if I die, I can’t take any of you with me.” Her voice cracked. “That’s what makes this so terrifying. No matter how much support I have here and now, the connection will get severed at some point.”

“I want you to stop talking like that, Emma. I’m serious.”

No matter how much the words hurt to say, they didn’t penetrate her calm. For weeks she’d done little more than think. Somewhere in the process of all that thinking, she started accepting her fate. “We’re all dying, Riley. Some a little faster than others, but it’s the only guarantee in this world. We will all eventually die. I’m not afraid to say it, because death doesn’t matter—it’s a given. The privilege is life, and I so
desperately
want another chance at living.”

“You’ll get one.”

“If I don’t, you have to promise you’ll live for me. Do everything you can, Riley, and
live.
Don’t waste a single minute thinking about death. A broken heart won’t bring me back and I don’t want to think of you broken if I have to go. When I leave, I know you’ll be the last worry I hold in my heart, because you’ll always be my first concern.”

His face tightened and he glanced away, shoulders jerking as he gave an admirable effort to keep his composure. He sniffled, wiped his nose, and cleared his throat. “Emma, I
swear
to you, I’m living. I know I don’t have to be here, but this is where I want to be and it’s where I’ll stay until this is over and
we
have our regular lives back. I don’t want to love someone else. I’d give you anything in the world, but I can’t give you that.”

“Riley, you have to be—”

“No!” His hand slashed in the air. In a calmer voice, he repeated, “No.”

Facing her again, he blinked, the whites of his eyes a soft shade of pink. “You’re the syrup to my pancakes, Em. I don’t want it without you. I know we’re all going to eventually die, but you’re early. It’s not your time yet and I’m not letting go until I’m sure I’ve pulled you back.”

Her fingers curled around his hand as the tears broke free. Damn him. The sight of his distress ripped her apart. His tears could save her and slay her at the same time.

“Riley, I’m fighting so hard, because you make me want to live. I don’t ever want to be so far away I can’t feel your love anymore. But I’m tired and I’m scared.”

Gently, he lifted her fingers to his lips and kissed them. “I’ll always love you, cakes. I’m sorry, but you can’t tell me not to. And I’m never gonna stop so you’re just gonna have to suck it up.”

“And that’s why I’m too afraid to let go. I could let it all go. But not you. I don’t want to ever let you go.”

“Then don’t ask it of me.” He kissed her between the eyes. “I’m glad you can’t, because none of this compares to the sort of suffering I’d face living without you.”

In that moment, her fear subsided, making room for a smidge of selfish hope. Maybe Riley’s love was so powerful it could sustain her life. Maybe it could at least reach her in heaven. Then she wouldn’t have to worry about being so alone.

****

E
mma’s chest had been killing her for a solid week, so she braved the shower and examined her breasts only to find something amazing had happened. The tumors were...gone. She couldn’t feel a single lump. It was going to be a good day.

“Riley!”
she screamed and he burst into the bathroom, panic etched across his face.

“What’s wrong?”

She held out her hand, not meaning to traumatize him. “Nothing. I’m okay—”

“Then why’d you yell like that?”

Taking his hand, she brought it to her breast. “Feel.”

His brow lowered in concentration as his fingers tenderly inspected her breast. “What am I looking for? Did you find something?”

“No. There’s nothing there.” He didn’t seem as impressed by this miracle as she was. Her confidence trembled. Maybe she was wrong. “Do you feel anything?”

His touch was so clinical. The longer he held her boob so raptly fixated on it like he was dismantling a bomb or trying to crack a safe, she started to giggle.

“Shh.”

She shook her head. “
So
serious. Do you feel them?”

He stepped back, folded his arms, and frowned at her chest. “No.”

A deep breath siphoned in her lungs, lifting her breast as she smiled. “I knew it! They’re gone!”

His eyes jumped to hers, pleading. “You don’t know that, Emma. They were there long before you felt them.”

Her face hardened as he stuck a pin in her positive mood. She had enough doubt and cynicism. She didn’t want that right now. “Why aren’t you happy?”

“I...I
am
happy, but I don’t want you to get false hope.”

“There’s no such thing as
false
hope, Riley. There’s hope or there’s nothing. Period.” Pushing past him, she wrapped herself in a towel.

“Then I don’t want you to get your hopes up—”

She growled and walked away. “I need to get dressed.”

“Emma—”

“Just leave me alone.” Blinking back tears she marched to her room and shut the door before he could follow her. Then she cried. Her short-lived excitement dashed before she had the chance to fully embrace it.

Later that night, he came to bed and apologized. “This past month’s put me on the frontlines of what’s real, Em. I have a hard time believing what’s not.”

“Do you believe the chemo’s working?” she asked, needing to hear him say he did.

“I have to believe that, otherwise there’s no justification for the hell you’ve been through.”

“Well, I believe it’s working, Riley. Not because it’s the only choice I have, but because deep down I truly trust it. I suddenly believe I
will
survive after weeks of preparing for death. I can’t float in between like you do.”

“I
never
said anything about death. I said we need to see for sure, meaning without an ultrasound and blood work we know nothing.”

“The tumors were there and now they’re not, Riley. It’s the first tangible proof I have that tells me this was worth it. I know they might still be in there, but they shrunk or moved or something. It changed.
I
did something and changed
cancer
. I pushed back. It pushed me and I pushed back.”

She couldn’t explain it any other way. Maybe she wouldn’t win, but he’d told her in the very beginning to get in the ring and she did. She’d fought harder than she ever thought she was capable of fighting. It wasn’t over yet. Most days she felt beaten and outmatched, but today...today felt like she landed a punch and
that
was a game changer.

His head lowered. “I get it. I’m sorry I shit on your parade. I didn’t mean to. You’re right. We should’ve celebrated today.”

She smiled, believing his second apology to be more genuine than the first. Brushing a hand down his cheek, she grinned. “Day’s not over yet. We could still celebrate.”

His lashes slowly lifted as his gaze melded with hers. “What do you mean?”

She laughed. “What do you think I mean?”

“Sex? You mean sex?”

His shock was comical, but then she sort of shocked herself. Did she want to have sex? “I don’t know.”

He tried to hide his disappointment, but there was no disguising the way his smile left his eyes. “We don’t have to.”

“No,” she quickly reassured him. “I mean...we can.”

He frowned. “Do you want to?”

She wasn’t sure. She shrugged. The words just sort of fell out, lost little clouds floating through stormy skies, so reminiscent of the girl she used to be. Those familiar pieces were so comforting. She wanted nothing more than for them to be true, but as she considered her exhaustion and the effort it would take, disappointment crushed her.

Reading her, he settled on his back, compensating by holding her hand. “Let’s get some sleep,” he whispered.

She nodded as he reached for the lamp, setting the room to darkness. Turning away from him, she silently cried. What if they never had sex again? As much as the instinct felt right the motion felt wrong. What if this was what their relationship would always be, him worrying about her delicate state and her being too fragile to prove to
anyone
that she could be strong again.

She huffed and he turned. “It’s fine, Emma.”

“It’s not fine. Everything is not always fine.”

“I’m not going to sit here and fight with you.”

“We’re not fighting, Riley, but I’m allowed to get frustrated. The fact that you’re acting like this is okay is only frustrating me more.”

He sat up. “What do you want me to do, demand sex? You’re being irrational.”

“No. I just... I just want to be normal again.”

Sliding back under the covers he took her hand, lacing her fingers with his. “We’ll get there.”

As much as she envied his confidence, she didn’t always share the same beliefs. But in moments like this all she could do was hope he was right.

****

T
he following week, as they waited for Dr. Lindsay in his office, anxious curiosity made it impossible to stay calm. This was the big one, the moment they found out how the cancer responded to the chemotherapy.

She didn’t want to face another round of chemo, but if that was what she needed to do, she would. Hearing more chemo would be better than hearing the cancer progressed and the treatment failed. Every day she felt around and still couldn’t find the tumors, so she was hopeful.

When the door opened Riley noticeably tensed and she stopped breathing. Her body surged on the verge of passing out as Riley grabbed her hand, squeezing tightly.

Dr. Lindsay sat down at his desk. “Emma. Riley. How are you feeling today?”

“Nervous,” she answered honestly. God, she was so tense.

“Understandable. Well, I have some good news.”

Good!

Her mind latched on to the word
good,
but then panicked at the term
some.
“Okay.” She breathed and squeezed Riley’s hand a little harder.

“Your test results show a partial response to the chemotherapy.”
Partial.
“What that means is, while the cancer didn’t totally disappear,”
It’s not gone...
“There’s been a notable reduction in the size of the tumors. In other words, it’s working.”

She exhaled and panted for a few seconds, possibly smiling. Her face was totally numb. “It worked?”

“But the tumors are still there?” Riley asked.

“Yes, the tumors are still present, but the markers have fallen. You’re not out of the woods yet, but this is great progress and definitely a reason to be happy.”

She was happy, so happy there should be a bigger word for the emotion. Elated. Jubilant. Nothing was enough. “What happens now?”

“Well, you have a few options. The chemo can continue, but I’m going to advise against that based on your personal response to the therapy for the time being. The next option is to remove the remainder of the tumors in a partial mastectomy—a lumpectomy.”

She’d definitely been smiling, because she was very aware of her expression falling. “But...they’re shrinking.” She, of course wanted them gone, so a lumpectomy was always on her radar, but having that foreshadowed thought shoved into the present managed to shock her all the same.

“They are—a great sign. But, based on your recent tests, I think it’s best we pull back while your body’s at it’s strongest.”

Strongest? She was weaker than a baby calf. “You don’t think my body could handle more chemo?”

“Not without significant damage. Keep in mind, we’re looking at your entire system, not just your breast tissue. The progress you’ve made is notable and enough that I’m confident we’ve reached the time to discuss surgery. This option will conserve a portion of the breast and hopefully some breast sensitivity.”