Laces and Lace (Assassins #6) (69 page)

Shea met his gaze. “Don’t want to let it go?”

Karson shook his head. “I need her to believe me. Her dad is up to no good.”

With JT being gone and Karson still mad at him about not only sleeping with his sister but also wanting to do it again, he hadn’t had anyone to talk to. So his captain was now the person he talked to besides Lacey and his mom, of course.

“I get that, but you two have fought enough about this. Let it go, move on,” Shea urged, and he was more than likely right, but Karson wanted that validation.

“I just feel like she thinks I’m a liar and hiding shit and stuff,” Karson pointed out, but Shea still shook his head.

“I know, but if she’s over it, you should be too,” he said and Karson slowly nodded.

“You’re right. I’ll call it off.”

“Good, don’t keep kicking a dead horse, you know? Just let it go.”

Shea was completely right. What would he win if he were proven right? Nothing. It would cause more problems for Lacey, and he didn’t want that. The best thing to do would be to just forget it all and hope that Nate Martin left them the hell alone. They had so much more to fight about in the future, and the quicker he learned how to let go, the better. He wouldn’t always be right and neither would she, but he had to learn that sometimes it was better to bite your tongue. He knew the truth, and maybe one day it would come out. Until then, he would love and support her with everything inside him.

When Owen called them in for dinner, Karson followed in behind Shea as they discussed the upcoming game against the Blues. Playing on Shea’s line was as easy as breathing now. They had a connection on the ice, and he liked the way they played. He missed playing with JT, but then again, he knew he was becoming a better player playing with Shea.

When they entered the living room, he froze in the doorway midsentence as his gaze settled on Lacey. She sat on the floor, Quinn in her lap, his arms and legs wrapped around her tightly as she painted the girls’ toenails. Evan sat beside her, reading something off his iPad, while Owen’s head lay on her thigh. Karson’s heart stopped, coming up into his throat. He had always imagined her like this, surrounded by kids and loving them with every fiber of her being. And man, did she look good doing it.

Looking over at him, he grinned as Shea said, “Yeah, the kids love her. That’s all I’ve been hearing about lately. Mrs. Lacey this, Mrs. Lacey that. Kind of annoying.”

But Karson didn’t think it was annoying at all.

He thought it was perfect.

And he wanted to see his own children climb on her.

Soon.

H
olding Lacey’s hand, Karson kissed the back of it as he turned onto their road. They’d had a wonderful night, full of fun and love. After a home-cooked meal of fried chicken and potatoes, they all hung out with the kids. Every second that passed, the harder Karson fell for Lacey. He was already insanely in love with her, but seeing her with Quinn, watching her wipe his nose and holding him when he started to cry, honestly pulled at every single one of Karson’s heartstrings.

He wanted to watch her with a child of their own.

A little girl with long dark hair and her green eyes, or even a little boy, tough like his daddy. He didn’t care; he just wanted to watch her grow their child, bring it into the world, and then love it with every single ounce of herself. She would make a great mother, and he knew he would make a great father.

He’d always wanted kids.

When Kacey was younger, before he turned into an asshole to her, he used to nurture her and looked out for her to the extreme. His mom would always joke that wherever Kacey was, Karson was right there beside her, making sure she was safe. He still did that a little now, but when they were younger, it was different. She was his baby sister. He had a duty to love and protect her. But then they got older and she turned really annoying, so he decided to beat her up most of the time. He smiled at the memories of tying her up to a tree or breaking her hockey sticks, or even sucking all the gas out of her car because he had run out of gas in his car. He was almost demonlike to her, but he loved her.

And he would love his own little human just like he knew Lacey would.

Kissing her hand again, he grinned over at her before pulling into the driveway. “Great night, I think.”

She grinned back, her face blissful as she nodded. “Yeah, I had such a blast. I just love that family. Really. Good people.”

“For sure,” he agreed as he shut the car off and got out. Running around the car, he helped her out and then into the house. As he hung their coats, he wondered if she had considered what they had talked about before. He hadn’t brought it up in some time; maybe it was time to try to talk about it again. As much as she may think they were rushing it, he didn’t think so. They were getting older, and he wanted to enjoy kids while he was young enough to do it. He didn’t want to be an old dad, unable to play hockey with his boy. He wanted to do it soon, and he hoped that she did too.

“Hey, wife,” he said and she turned around, grinning as she took steps backward to the kitchen. She looked positively beautiful. She was meant to be in this house, with their children running around them. It was going to be perfect.

“Hey, husband,” she answered back, her face bright and happy. It was the first time in weeks he’d seen her fully smile at him like that. It reminded him of the days they got married and when they bought the house. It was her true, from-the-heart smile. The one he was completely in love with. The one she blessed only him with.

“The kids are great, huh?” he asked, following her into the kitchen.

She nodded earnestly. “Yes, I love them dearly. The last couple times I’ve been there, I just feel at home. Elli is a great host, I think.”

“True, she is. Quinn took to you, hard-core,” he said as she handed him a bottle of water.

Her face lit up as she said, “Oh, I know, he’s my little sweetheart. I just want to squish his cheeks! He looks just like Elli, but then dark like Shea. It’s kinda awesome how adorable all of them are. A great mix of both of them.”

“Yeah, Elli is gorgeous.”

“She sure is, and Shea is a hunk,” she said with a sneaky grin that had him smiling harder.

“Oh, is that right? You got a thing for my cap?” he asked, only halfway kidding, but her teasing smile gave her away as she wrapped her arms around him, kissing his chin.

“Nope, only got a thing for you.”

He met his lips to hers, running his hands down her back before cupping her ass. Parting for breath, he got lost in her eyes as his smile pulled at his lips. She was everything he ever wanted or needed, and the thought of having a baby with her caused his heart to come out of his chest. Squeezing her ass, he said, “I know we talked about his before and we said we’d wait, but I’d really like to discuss having kids soon,” he said. As quickly as the words left his mouth, her grin disappeared and her demeanor changed. “See, why do you do that? What?” he asked as she moved out of his arms and reached for her water.

Taking a long pull of it, she shrugged her shoulders before expelling a breath and shaking her head. “I thought we were going to let this go for a while, just enjoy us.”

“I know, but I’d like to start trying maybe, I don’t know. I just always thought we would have kids by now.”

“Sure, but that was if we’d been together for the last nine years. We’ve been apart, Karson. It’s crazy just to jump into having kids,” she said; however he couldn’t help but feel like there was more.

“I don’t think it is. We love each other. We are financially stable and we both love kids. I don’t want to be an old dad. Just waiting till now has us at forty-eight when the kid graduates. I want to be able to play with my kid, ya know?”

“Yeah, I got you,” she said with a nod, but then she shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know, Karson,” she whispered. “I just don’t know.”

“What don’t you know?” he asked, eyeing her. “Why do you shut down on me every time we discuss this? I feel like you don’t want kids or something.”

As soon as the words left his mouth, he knew that they had some truth to them. But that couldn’t be. She loved kids; she would be a great mother, but even knowing that didn’t keep his heart from beating uncontrollably as he waited for her to answer.

Looking up at him, her eyes were swimming with tears, and he didn’t understand until she whispered, “I don’t.”

His head cocked to the side, and he was sure he’d heard her wrong, even though he knew he hadn’t. He’d heard her, but he still couldn’t believe it. “What?”

Her lip wobbled as she sucked in a deep breath. “Karson, I don’t want kids.”

His eyes squinted. “What? How? Why? That doesn’t make sense. You love kids.”

She nodded as a tear rolled down her cheek, dropping over her jaw onto her blouse. “I do, very much so, but I don’t want kids of my own.”

“Why?” he asked, unable to comprehend what was happening. It didn’t make sense. “How do you love kids but not fucking want them?”

Her lip wobbled some more as she looked down at the ground. “Can we let this go?”

“Fuck no, we are talking about this. I don’t understand.”

“What is there to talk about? I don’t want to have kids. I won’t have kids! So if you want them, good luck, ’cause you aren’t having them with me,” she yelled, looking up at him, her eyes drowning in tears. They rolled down her cheeks in streams as she heaved for breath, looking away and letting a sob leave her lips. “I can’t do it.”

“You can’t have kids?” he asked, but she shook her head, covering her mouth and leaving the kitchen. “That’s different, Lacey. Talk to me,” he said, taking ahold of her bicep and stopping her. “Don’t walk away from me. Talk to me.”

As she looked up at him, his heart went in his throat. She was suffering and he didn’t know what to do. Did he allow her to walk away and leave it alone? No, he couldn’t. He had to know. “Talk to me.”

Biting into her lip, she searched his eyes and then asked, “You really want kids badly, don’t you?”

“Yeah,” he answered with a nod, and her tears came faster as she shut her eyes. “But I want to know why you don’t. Or can you not? Tell me something here.”

“I can have them; I just refuse to,” she said through her tears, sniffling before wiping her nose with the back of her hand.

“Why? Tell me why,” he urged. “Why are you holding this back? It’s me!”

He could feel her heartbeat from where he was holding her arm. She was working her lip as she stared up into his eyes and he couldn’t breathe. He didn’t know what was happening, but he could see the light leaving her eyes, and he didn’t know why. He didn’t grasp what was going on.

“I’m afraid you’re going to leave me,” she whispered, her tears rolling down her lips. “Or that you’ll stay and be miserable.”

Taking ahold of her shoulders, he almost shook her as he said, “I’m not going any-fucking-where. Tell me what the hell is going on.”

Closing her eyes, she sucked in a deep breath, and he could see the tears caught on her eyelashes. Her face was red, her nose running, and he could practically feel her shaking. Opening her eyes, she met his gaze and said, “If we have a girl, she could get cancer. Like I did.”

His heart stopped. While he had never thought of that, he could see why this would worry her. “Okay, that’s understandable, but we could also have a boy or a girl who doesn’t have the genetic mutation. You don’t know. You can’t predict the future.”

“I don’t care. I refuse to do that to our child. I’m not having kids, Karson. Never.”

He stared into her eyes, not sure what to say. This was a sensitive subject, something he didn’t know anything about because he didn’t go through that. He didn’t know the fear, the pain, and the pure hell Lacey went through. He’d heard the stories; he held her when she cried. He’d made it his life goal to make sure she knew she was every bit a woman, and a gorgeous one at that, but he didn’t know what it did mentally to someone.

“So you won’t even consider it? Even though we have no clue what the future holds. They could find a cure,” he suggested, but still she shook her head.

“No. I’m not having any kids.”

Wiping her face, she stepped out of his grasp and let out a breath. He understood this was a tough subject and she had every right to feel this way, but what about what he wanted? He wasn’t trying to be an asshole, but shit, he wanted kids, and she was basically shutting him down without even considering the possibilities. Looking at her, he couldn’t really fathom this.