Laces and Lace (Assassins #6) (72 page)

She sniffed loudly before letting go of another sob as his body shook with anger. He didn’t understand any of this, and he hated more than anything that they were doing it over the phone. He wanted to help, he wanted to make things better, and he couldn’t do it long-distance. He needed to be with her. “Just come home, Lacey. We can fix this. It isn’t lost yet.”

“You can’t fix everything.”

“Yes, I can, or I’ll fucking die trying. Come home.”

“No,” she answered and that was when the tear rolled down his cheek. “I can’t.”

“You can, but you won’t.”

“Just give me some time to think.”

“There is nothing to think about. You either love me, or you don’t. You either want to fight for us, or you don’t.”

Clearing her throat, she sucked in a deep breath and he was dying inside. Wiping the tear away, he sucked in his own breath and begged, “Please come home, Lacey.”

“I can’t,” she answered again, further breaking his heart. “But I do love you. Don’t forget that.”

It was the same thing he’d said to her nine years ago, but this time, it wasn’t Nate Martin who’d broken them up. Or so she said. But before he could say anything more, she hung up the phone. Anger and frustration coursed through his body as he stared down at the display of his phone. It was a picture of her, of course. Lying in bed, with her blond locks around her face, a bright grin on her face, and her eyes full of such love.

She did love him. He knew that, but he didn’t understand how she could think that she wasn’t the woman he deserved. How stupid was that? She was everything he needed. She was his life. As the tears slowly rolled down his cheeks, he didn’t know what to do as he looked around the home they’d built together. She was supposed to be there. Not in Chicago, not with her family who would plant more seeds of doubt in her mind.

Why was she doing this?

Hitting his mom’s number, he wiped away his tears as he waited for her to answer. When his dad answered instead, he said, “Hey, Dad. Where’s Ma?”

“Busy, what’s wrong? You sound weird.”

“I need to talk to Ma,” he said, holding back his sobs.

“She’s busy. What is wrong?” he asked again and Karson shook his head.

“Please, I need to talk to her.”

“Talk to me,” Karl King said with his booming voice. “You aren’t crying, are you? What’s wrong?”

His dad was the last person he wanted to talk to about this. He didn’t do emotion well, but Karson needed someone to talk to. He needed some kind of guidance. “Lacey went back to Chicago. She left me.”

“Why the fuck would she do that? What did you do?”

“I didn’t do anything,” Karson answered, a little taken aback by the question.

“She wouldn’t leave if it was nothing. She’s all googly-eyed for you.”

“Yeah, well, she left, and I don’t know what to do.”

“Go fucking get her. If you love her, you don’t stop trying. You lost her once because you were too much of a damn coward to go for what you want. Are you really going to do it again?”

“I couldn’t before,” Karson said, wiping away another damn tear. He hated this.

“But now you can. Go get on a damn plane, fly up there, and bring your wife home. Fix it, Karson, or you’ll regret it for the rest of your life like you have for the last nine. Don’t lose this girl. She’s a good one.”

Karson’s lip quivered as he nodded his head. He knew this; it wasn’t any damn secret, but why couldn’t she realize this? “She thinks we are too different now, and then she doesn’t want to have kids because they could get the cancer she had, but I want them. She is using that as an excuse. She’s just scared, and I don’t know how to fix it.”

“Can you blame her? She wears the scars of the cancer every day, son. I hope you aren’t pushing her into that.”

“No, not at all. I told her I didn’t need kids, I needed her.”

“Then why is she being stupid?”

“I don’t know!” Karson yelled. “She’s driving me insane. She said that she isn’t the woman I deserve.”

“Well, that’s dumb. She’s more than you’ll ever deserve. I love her like she is mine, but I get it. Cancer ruins people, and in her mind, hers took every single bit of her womanhood. Your job as her husband is to reassure her that isn’t the case.”

“I’m trying, but she isn’t listening to me.”

“Then you’re not trying hard enough.”

“Dad—”

“No. Don’t call back until you have your wife back,” he said and then the line went dead. Dropping his phone in his lap, Karson ran his hands down his face, sucking in a deep breath. As he opened his eyes, they landed on a picture of him and Lacey at their wedding, both of them locked in each other’s gaze, completely blissful. Beside it was another picture of them in college, young and entirely in love.

She was his forever.

And he wasn’t going to let her throw that away.

He had done it once before, and he wasn’t about to have a repeat performance

He was going to bring his wife home.

Or fucking die trying.

Lacey hadn’t slept all night.

Sitting on her couch with her legs up under her chin, she sipped on her coffee as she replayed her and Karson’s conversation over and over again. Tears rolled down her face as her chest ached with agony. While a part of her thought it was a good idea to end things, the other parts thought she was insane. She understood what he was saying, agreed with him, but the fear of not being enough just gutted her.

She wanted to believe in them, and she had until she learned of his need for a child. How she didn’t remember that from when they were in school was beyond her, but now that she knew, it wouldn’t be fair to him to stay with him. He may say that she was enough, but it was obvious how much he yearned for a child of his own. He loved kids, and she would be depriving him of his wants and needs.

Leaning her head back, her lip quivered as she looked up at the ceiling. If this was the best choice, then why did it hurt so badly? Why did she feel like she was making the biggest mistake of her life? God, she missed him. She wanted to call him, but she wouldn’t allow herself. He had a way of making things seem like they weren’t a big deal—he had always been like that—but this was a big deal. She wasn’t right for him.

But then she didn’t think anyone was. For him or for her. They were born to be together, but then her cancer ruined any chance of a future together. She wished she could go back to when she was young and naïve, when the thought of having a child with Karson took her breath away instead of scaring her to the core. She wished that they wouldn’t have to live apart.

She wished they didn’t have to now, but she really saw no other way.

Wiping away her tears, she took a sip of her coffee when she heard a knock at her door. Glancing at the clock, she saw it was a little past seven. Unsure who it could be, she slowly got up, and when she reached for the door, she thought maybe it would be Karson.

Part of her was elated at the thought.

The other part was terrified.

With her heart in her throat, she pulled the door open to find Grady on the other side, bundled up in a jacket.

“Oh, hey,” she muttered as she stepped to the side so he could enter.

“Good morning,” he said as she shut the door. “You look like hell.”

Lacey scoffed. “Thanks.”

“Anytime,” he said, taking his jacket off.

“Listen, I’m not in the mood for company. Rough night,” she said, but he didn’t pause from taking his jacket off.

Throwing it to the side, he turned to look at her and said, “Yeah, I don’t care. We need to talk because I’m pretty sure you are making a huge mistake.”

“Huh?” she asked as he dropped his large self into the chair by her couch.

“Rachel said that you told Karson you weren’t coming home. Is that true?”

She nodded as she sat down on her couch, crossing her legs as she wrapped up tightly with her blanket. “Yeah.”

“Why? That’s idiotic, don’t you think?”

Biting the side of her lip, she shook her head. “He’s better off without me.”

“Why’s that? ’Cause I’m pretty sure we both think otherwise.”

“I don’t belong in Nashville. I haven’t adjusted, and I miss Chicago and my business, and it’s been tough.”

“Last I heard, you were adjusting well and things were fine. Opening a new store and shit, so stop with that crap and tell me the real reason,” he demanded, leaning on his forearms. “You know I don’t do bullshit.”

And he was right. Grady didn’t do bullshit. Never had. Holding back her tears, she whispered, “I don’t want to have kids of my own.”

His brows came together. “Why the hell not?”

“Because if I have a girl, she’ll get cancer like Mom and I did.”

“Okay, I got you,” he said with a nod, but she didn’t miss the pain on his face. He was older when their mother had died, but he’d loved her as much as Lacey did. They didn’t talk much about their mother because usually it ended with the both of them in tears. “But Mom had you.”

“She didn’t know that I would get it.”

“Yeah, because she couldn’t predict the future and neither can you.”

“But she didn’t even know about the cancer.”

“Yeah, she did,” Grady said with a nod. “She had a scare when she was younger, but she said it didn’t keep her from living her life. She only had one life, and she was going to make it the best she could ever imagine.”

Lacey’s chest ached as tears gushed down her face. “She never told me that.”

“Yeah, she did, I remember. You were young, though. Like four. She said that she would never change having us because we made her life worth living.”

“Oh,” she responded, wiping at her face as her chest ached. Why hadn’t she remembered that?

“But it’s not only that you only have this one life, it’s the fact that you can’t predict the future. What if your daughter doesn’t get it? You are putting a diagnosis on a person who isn’t even here. Plus, what does this have to do with Karson? Is he forcing you to have a kid or something?”

She shook her head as a tear rolled down her face. “No, he wouldn’t do that. He said the same thing you did, but I know how much he wants a kid. He loves me, and he’ll let go of wanting a child just so I’ll be happy. But then what if one day he decides I’m not enough?”

Grady shook his head. “That’s dumb. He wouldn’t do that.”

“You can’t guarantee that.”

“And you can’t guarantee that your daughter would have cancer,” Grady pointed out and Lacey promptly shut her mouth. “I carry the gene too, Lacey. Did I allow it to keep me from living my life?”

“You had boys.”

“But I didn’t know that in advance. I wanted kids so I had them, and now I pray that they don’t go through what our mother went through. But I wouldn’t change having them. Or this next one.”

She swallowed passed the lump in her throat but couldn’t look at him. She couldn’t imagine him not having Flynn and Zander. He was a wonderful father.

“You are trying to predict the future, and that’s not fair to him or you. Why can’t you two just enjoy life, see where it takes you?”

He had a point, but she wouldn’t admit that. Shaking her head, she said, “While that is a big part of why I want to end it—”

“You don’t want to end it. You think you do, but I can see it on your face. That’s the last thing you want. You want to be with him because he makes you happy, but you are scared, and you are going to regret that,” he said sharply, sitting up and crossing his arms. “Live for you, Lacey. Do what makes you happy.”

“I want to,” she said as more tears streamed down her face. “But it’s not only that I don’t think I’m enough, it’s that everyone hates him and he’s always gone and then all this shit with girls can pop up, and I don’t want to do that again. I did it with Ethan, and I just don’t think I’m meant to be a hockey wife.”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Hockey is in your blood. Stop making excuses. It’s not attractive. If you want to be with the guy, be with him and everything else will work out.”

“That’s what he said,” she said softly and Grady nodded.

“Because he’s right,” he added. “And who cares if Rachel or Dad or Sabrina likes him? It matters if you like him, if he makes you happy.”