Lady of Pleasure (26 page)

He tried to pretend it didn’t affect him to know she was seeing his home for the first time and that it was sorely, sorely wanting. “I can have chairs brought in from upstairs.”

The dowager’s flower-patterned gown stepped into his line of view of Caroline before him. She arranged herself before the desk. “That won’t be necessary. Everything can be said standing.” The dowager tartly stared him down, sharp eyes pinning him into place. She lowered her chin, causing the yellow lace ribbons and artificial blue flowers atop her bonnet to quiver. “Apparently, there was a
massive
misunderstanding between you and my daughter. And while, yes, I have many words to impart to not only you but your uncle who damn well let my daughter stroll into a house full of lusty men without questioning it, I hardly think they are going to be useful to any of us. Are they?”

Ronan rose to his feet and, just as he had rehearsed in his mind when he woke up this morning, he announced, “Dowager. I am asking for the honor of applying for a special license tomorrow so that Caroline and I may be wed in two weeks. With your permission, and with Hawksford’s permission, I would like to contact the archbishop.”

Caroline marched straight for him. “
Her
permission?
Hawksford’s
permission? I beg your pardon, but the only permission you need is mine. And guess what? I’m not giving it.”

Ronan set both hands behind his back, trying to keep his voice calm knowing she hated him. “I understand your anger.”

Caroline stared. “Do you?”

He shifted his jaw. “Just call me a bastard. I’m fine with it. I deserve it.”

Caroline angled toward him. “Oh, no. That would be too easy. I’m asking that you provide a much longer list of words for me to choose from aside from ‘bastard.’ How about we start with ‘asshole’? Are you familiar with
that
word?”

Ronan winced.

The dowager choked and swung toward her daughter. “Not to divert this oh-so intelligent and stimulating conversation,” she huffed, “but it’s important we not burn the ashes left in the grate,
Caroline
. For heaven’s sake, girl, enough. And Lord Caldwell, I am asking that you refrain from agitating her because we have a much bigger problem than what happened between you and Caroline.”

Ronan paused. Really? “I find that very difficult to believe.”

“Well, you had best believe it. Because Lady Waverly had been watching our house through her window last night, saw her leave, and even had a footman follow her to the champagne party.”

Dread scraped him. Why did he have this feeling the old woman was going to use this situation to finally wrangle in Hawksford? “Did she threaten Caroline?”

“It wasn’t really a threat, but given the sort of gossipmonger she is, I consider it one. I plan on keeping her well-occupied this next week to ensure she doesn’t visit with anyone she shouldn’t. I will also be arranging a private meeting between her and Alexander. I think it time Alexander face her. Better a broken heart than delusion, I say.”

His eyes widened. “You intend to push her toward Hawksford?”

Caroline leaned in toward her mother and chimed in, “My reaction
exactly
.”

The dowager glared at her daughter and then at him. “I’m only cleaning up the mess you two dunces made. It’s up to you and Caroline to resolve everything prior to Alexander’s meeting with Lady Waverly. Because if you don’t, rest assured, there is another gentleman of better means and character who will
gladly
take your place and protect her from gossip when it hits.”

Flexing his hands and feeling his ability to remain calm waning, knowing she was probably referring to Lord Gifford, Ronan rasped, “There is no need to threaten me with talk of others, Dowager. I can assure you I will to do
everything
within my means to settle this.”

The dowager set her chin. “Good. Now that I have openly stated what I came to say, I will leave you both to resolve this. I will be patiently waiting for the outcome on the other side of your red velvet-covered bachelor den in the hopes of being far enough away so I don’t have to listen to all the shouts. Take your time.” The dowager gathered her skirts, turned and breezed her way toward the door.

He swallowed knowing he was about to be alone with Caroline.

Caroline’s eyes widened. She swiveled toward her. “
Mother
? You aren’t actually going to leave me alone with him, are you?”

The dowager tsked twice. “And what are you so worried about, dear? Your reputation? Speak to him.” Stepping out, the dowager faced them and whisked the sliding doors shut with a triumphant whoosh of her arms that resounded like a cannon.

He and Caroline now had a view of nothing but closed doors and indented red velvet walls. It was quiet. Painfully quiet.

Caroline turned back toward him, pinched her lips together and eyed him.

Ronan knew this was his one and only chance to right things between them. And he damn well wasn’t about to let it fall through his hands. He slowly rounded the desk, chanting to himself that he could win her and paused directly before her. That soft scent of powder and jasmine drifted toward him, achingly reminding him of their night together.

She lifted her chin to meet his gaze.

He settled himself on the edge of the writing desk before her and eventually confessed in a low, strained tone, “I hardly slept.”

She said nothing.
He swiped his face, not even knowing what he was supposed to say.

She held his gaze.

A breath escaped him. “I should have told you more about my real involvement with Lady Danbury when we were in that alcove. That was the time to do it, and I’m sorry I violated your trust. It was unforgivable. I was overwhelmed and didn’t want to see you hurt. Believe me when I say that.”

Lowering her gaze, she scooted away, slowly distancing herself from his booted feet. “Why did she feel the inane need to humiliate me by making me believe you wanted me? Wasn’t it enough that she had you and I didn’t?”

Those words strangled him. “Caroline.” He leaned toward her and reached out, taking her gloved hand. He squeezed it hard in an effort to convey his sincerity. “She never had me in that way. And she knew that. Why do you think she did what she did? She let me go. And she wasn’t looking to humiliate you. Theodosia doesn’t look at life the way others do. She has been through…a lot. Her intentions were morbidly misguided, and beyond cruel, I will agree, but she didn’t mean them to be. She wanted to ensure you and I would forge a union because she knew, given the sort of man I am, that I would have never committed to you. And she was right. I wouldn’t have. And that is why she did what she did. She wanted to see us wed.”

Caroline stiffened and snatched back her hand. “And why would your own lover wish to see us wed? That makes no sense, Ronan. What sort of a fool do you think I am to believe in such a thing?”

Ronan fisted his hand, which no longer held hers and rested it awkwardly against his thigh. He wanted to tell Caroline everything. He wanted to tell her about Lady Stanbury, about what had happened to Theodosia and her brother, but he refused to unfold his shame. He had shamed himself enough in her eyes last night. And he wanted to be a man in her eyes. Not a fourteen-year-old boy who had been raped. “It isn’t a farce. The night you and I were brought together in that alcove was but a glimpse of how Theodosia rationalizes things. In her mind, it doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but her. That said, she was concerned that things between you and I would permanently fragment. She discovered that Lord Gifford had matrimonial intentions toward you. She knows the man’s mother. The question I have is: did you know of Gifford’s intentions? Were you even aware of them?”

She glanced up, those pretty blue-green eyes ablaze and her cheeks visibly flushing, making almost every last freckle disappear.

So she did know. And it was true. Gifford wanted to marry Caroline. His Caroline. Jealousy punched him. “And is he who your mother was referring to when she mentioned there being another gentleman waiting?”
She half-nodded.

Ronan shifted his jaw, trying to remain calm. “How involved are you with him?”

She set her hand against her stomacher. “I’m not involved with him.” She huffed out a breath and dropped her hand. “I don’t know why he proposed. We don’t know all that much about each other. I gave him the waltz and maybe it made him more appreciative than I would have wanted.”

The waltz. Of course. For some men of the
ton
, especially the respectable sort, that was all it took. He hated knowing that she had given some other man a most intimate dance even
he
hadn’t shared with her. He smoothed his cravat, noting that annoyingly, his hand was trembling. “So you like him.”
“Yes. I do. And I hope it bothers you.”

He could tell by her tone she meant it. He could hardly breathe knowing it. “Do you like him enough to marry him?”

“Maybe,” she tossed out, with a wiggle of her head.

He tightened his jaw. This was not the Caroline he knew. She was purposefully trying to hurt him. “Don’t play games with me, Caroline. I won’t stand for it.”

A sudden contempt flashed in her eyes. “I think I have graciously listened and answered enough of your questions. I now think it time you answer
my
questions.”

He damn well wasn’t ready for this. He wasn’t. He adjusted his waistcoat in an effort to appear calm. “If that would please you.”

“Oh, it will.” Her features stilled. “Do you even love this woman you submitted to, this Lady Danbury of yours? Do you love her?”
The first question out of her mouth and it pertained to love. God. He slowly shook his head from side to side. “No.”

Caroline stared. “Did you
ever
love
any
of the women you submitted to?”

Setting his shoulders, he drew in a calming breath. “No.”

She still stared. “Are you beginning to see my point, Ronan?”
He flexed his hands that were beginning to feel cold. “Yes.”

She shifted toward him. “And?”

He rubbed at his forearm, trying to stay focused. “And what, Caroline? I said it. I didn’t love them. And none of them loved me. I used them and they used me. It was what they were good for and what I was good for. What else do you want to hear?”

She was quiet for a moment. “How many women have you actually been with? Do you even know?”

It was like counting out how many teeth he had ripped out of his mouth in the past few years. “Twenty.” Including Lady Danbury.

She glanced away and set her chin. “And how did you engage these women?”

At least she was talking to him. “I didn’t. They engaged me.”

Turning her gaze back to him, she paused. “Always? You never initiated an alliance?”

“No.” He leaned toward her. “This may surprise you, Caroline, but I’m not really the aggressive sort. I don’t pursue women. They pursue me. And when they do, that is when I allow for things to happen. Because guess what? I’m still a man.”

“And somehow they knew your grand method of thinking and did all the work for you? Is that what you are saying?”

“Yes. More or less.”

“And might I ask how
all
these women knew you could be chased
and
bought?”

He dragged a heavy hand through his hair in mild disbelief knowing they were actually discussing his sex life. “Women talk amongst themselves about these things, and many of them knew I could be bought given my finances. It turned into me being approached all the time at events. Everything from my uncle’s parties to my own parties that involved people who were more open to such things. It wasn’t done in the glittering ballrooms of the
ton
, I assure you. Quiet offers always came to me in many ways. Most would slip their calling card into my hand or pocket and ask me to call on them. And I would.”

Her eyes widened. “And you would? Every time? No matter who it was?”

He heaved out an exasperated breath. “No, Caroline. Not every time. For God’s sake, I did have standards.” He shifted against the desk, knowing he needed to be as honest with her as possible. He owed it to her. “First and foremost, I always ensured any woman I engaged was clean. Because the last thing I wanted was finding myself rotting from the pox. I therefore always ensured every woman I entered into an agreement with could provide me proof of her cleanliness by a doctor I chose and trusted. My other requirements? She had to be intelligent enough for me survive more than a few conversations. She had to be wealthy, so she could pay for the things I needed, and she had to be attractive. After all, I couldn’t perform for a woman unless my body was capable of—”

Caroline popped up a hand. “I would rather you not say anymore as your standards are genuinely frightening me. They aren’t standards, Ronan. They are a superficial list of a self-serving libertine.” Adjusting and re-adjusting her cashmere shawl around her shoulders, she glared at him. “Twenty.
Twenty
. For spit sake, that means you were practically changing out women twice a year like a barouche since
you
were twenty.”

She said it as if the number were closer to three thousand. He set both hands on the desk he was leaning against. “You aren’t being fair. You and I never promised ourselves to each other throughout any of those years or even up until now. If I had promised myself to you, Caroline, I could understand you being upset by this and me. But we didn’t promise ourselves to each other. Did we?”

Her arched brows momentarily flickered. “But you knew how I felt.”

His voice faded. “Yes. I did. And I was trying to offer you a better life by putting distance between us. But things are different after what Theodosia did. And we both have to acknowledge that.” He leaned toward her, shifting his weight against the edge of the desk and boldly met her gaze. “A sixteen-year-old girl once told me she would embrace me no matter how hard I had fallen. I need that girl right now. I need her back in my life. I need her to believe in me in the way she used to. The question is, can she? Will she?”