Lakeshore Christmas (9 page)

“Everyone I talk to feels that way, but it’s an economic reality.”

“I’m going to ask everybody in my family to pitch in.”

“Thanks. I have to be prepared for the worst, though.”

“The worst being…?”

“We really do have to close, and I’m out of a job.”

“What will you do?”

Maureen offered a tight smile. “I could land a position with the bookmobile, but I get carsick. I’ve put my credentials up online. We’ll see if anything comes of it. In the meantime, I’ll try to focus on the pageant and the holidays. Christmas has never let me down.”

“I know you’ll do a great job,” Daisy said, trying to sound reassuring. “If I can help out—behind the scenes—let me know. I’m a photography student and I do freelance work on the side. What about a poster?”

“Really? Gosh, that’s so nice of you. I’d love to have some pictures of the event. And a poster or flyer would be wonderful.”

“I can help you out with that,” said Daisy. She dug in her messenger bag for a card and handed it to Maureen.

“Great. And I’ll make sure you and Charlie get VIP seats at the pageant.”

Daisy’s stomach lurched. “It’ll just be me,” she said. “Charlie is going to be with his dad this Christmas.” It hurt just to say it aloud.

“Oh. I imagine that will mean a lot to both Charlie and his dad,” Maureen said diplomatically. She regarded Charlie, who was now applying his motor-mouth sounds to
The Little Engine That Could.
“He’s one of my favorite patrons, you know.”

As though sensing he was the topic of conversation, Charlie looked up at her, raised his arms, and offered his future-heartthrob grin.

“You had me at hello,” Maureen said.

He held up the book as if it were the holy grail. “Read it,” he said.

Daisy moved toward him. “We’ll check the book out and take it home, okay?”

His expression turned tragic. “Read it.”

“I’ve got a few minutes,” Maureen assured her, pushing aside the book cart. “There’s always time for a story. It’s one of my main rules as a librarian.”

“You’re sure?”

“Trust me. I’m a professional.” She hoisted him onto her lap.

There was something wistful in her eyes as she settled down with Charlie and the book. A sadness, almost. Daisy wondered briefly about the source.

“Then he’s all yours,” Daisy said. Her mobile phone vibrated, signaling an incoming text message.

A moment later, Charlie was blissfully ensconced in Maureen’s lap, chanting, “I think I can, I think I can,” along with the little engine.

Daisy headed outside and pulled out her phone to check messages. There was a text from Logan: HEY YOU. HOWS MY BOY?

ON SANTA’S NAUGHTY LIST, she sent back. HE DIDN’T LIKE THE LAP.

THAT’S MY BOY. I WAS ALWAYS CREEPED OUT BY THE FATMAN. WANTED 2 TALK 2 U ABOUT XMAS. WHEN?

2-NITE WORKS. 7-ISH AND YOU CAN GIVE HIM HIS BATH.

She put her phone away, feeling a thrum of apprehension. She and Logan had no formal custody arrangement. Theirs was based on mutual love for their son.
Logan lived in New Paltz, where he was a student, within commuting distance of Avalon. Ignoring his parents’ wishes, he’d chosen the state college in order to be close to Charlie.

And despite a rocky start as grandparents, the O’Donnells had stepped up, as well. And this year, for the first time, they’d asked if Logan could bring Charlie down to their place on Long Island for Christmas Eve, and bring him back Christmas Day.

Daisy had agonized over the decision. Surrender Charlie on Christmas Eve? Give up her two-year-old on the most magical night of the year? Could she do that?

Ultimately it was Charlie who’d made up her mind. He completely adored his father, and he deserved to be a part of the O’Donnell family as well as the Bellamys.

Still, it hurt to imagine spending Christmas Eve without him. Daisy reminded herself that she had a great family she could lean on. Her parents and stepparents were the best. But earlier today, she’d been hit by bad news. Sonnet, her best friend, who had been studying abroad in Germany, had opted to stay overseas another semester and planned to spend the season with her host family.

Daisy’s phone sounded again, this time with a ring tone that made her heart flip over—“You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away,” the Eddie Vedder version. It was the tone she’d assigned to only one person in her life—Julian Gastineaux.

Julian was
that
guy.

The one she’d been thinking about since tenth grade, the one she could never quite get out of her mind.

She hit the button. “Hey.”

“Hey, yourself. I’m in Avalon. Got in last night. Did Olivia or Connor tell you?”

She leaned back against the building, a smile spreading slowly across her face. “I haven’t talked to my cousin. God, I can’t believe she didn’t tell me. I can’t believe
you
didn’t tell me.”

“I have to go back tonight. When can I see you? It’s a four-hour drive to Cornell, so the sooner the better.”

Daisy hugged herself. The words were a song, soaring through her.
Julian.
One summer, before the craziness, before Charlie, before everything, Julian had been the best thing about her life. Sure, they’d both been young, only high-schoolers, but every time they were together, she found herself thinking of forever. There had been a glimmer between them of…something powerful and rare. A passion. Even a future, maybe.

But when you’re sixteen, you do stupid things. Daisy did, anyway. At summer’s end they parted, she for her oh-so-exclusive prep school in Manhattan, and he for a life he refused to describe in Chino, California. Despite a sweeping but unacknowledged yearning between them, she and Julian followed separate paths that rarely crossed.

But, oh, when they did… Thank God his half brother, Connor Davis, and Daisy’s cousin, Olivia, were married. That meant she and Julian were family, no matter what. And he didn’t realize it yet, but he was going to save Christmas for her.

He had a habit of showing up unexpectedly, often when she needed him the most. The glimmer that had sparked between them never quite disappeared. She told herself to snap out of it. To snap out of
him.
He was a student at Cornell, financing his education through the Air Force ROTC. Every spare moment, it seemed, was spent in training.

Daisy decided not to worry about any of that. Julian
was in town. “Where are you?” she asked. “How soon can we—”

“Turn around, Daze.”

Her heart nearly leaped out of her chest. She dropped her bag with a thud and ran to him, suddenly so desperate to feel his arms around her that she practically flung herself at him.

“Hey,” he said, laughing, his breath warm in her hair as he clasped her against him. “Hey, you.”

She pulled back. There was that moment, awkward and ponderous, that always seemed to occur between them. Do we keep hugging? Let go and step back? Kiss each other’s faces off? She was never sure what to do, because she was never sure what they were to each other. She stepped back, feeling the cold wind snaking between them. No need to be seen making out with him in a public place. People probably gossiped about her enough, anyway.
That poor Bellamy girl, such a disappointment to her family….

“How did you find me?” she asked.

“Spotted your car in the parking lot.” He grinned. “It’s kind of hard to miss.”

When she’d launched her wedding photography business, her dad had given her magnetic signs with her logo to put on the sides of her car. Daisy wasn’t sure about the logo, but since her dad had given her the car, she didn’t criticize.

“So, can you go for coffee?” Julian asked. “Or…”

She wanted the coffee. She wanted the
or….
But neither one was an option at the moment. “I wish,” she said, gesturing toward the library. “Charlie’s inside, having story time.”

“Tonight, then,” Julian said. “Are you free tonight? I don’t care how late it is when I drive back.”

She thought of Logan’s text just a few minutes ago, and her heart sank. “Unfortunately, I’m not free.” Damn, she thought.
Damn.
There never seemed to be a good time for her and Julian. “And I don’t want you driving in the snow late at night. Still, I wish we had more time together.”

“Like more than five minutes?” he said. “Yeah, me, too.”

He had the most magical smile. He had the most magical everything, come to think of it. He was tall, stunningly good-looking, even after he’d sheared off his dreadlocks for ROTC. She was drawn to him by more than looks, though. He was fascinating to her and always had been fiercely loyal and protective, sometimes to the point of recklessness.

“So…at least I’ll see you at Christmas,” said Daisy. Thank God, she thought. With Charlie at the O’Donnells’ on Christmas Eve, the holiday had been shaping up as a disaster. But with Julian around… She pictured them cozying up alone together, listening to soft music, finally getting some uninterrupted time to talk, or just to hold each other and grow closer. She couldn’t stifle herself—she simply told him so. “You have no idea how much I’m going to need you on Christmas Eve, Julian. I was afraid I’d be spending it by myself.”

“Daisy—”

“I’ve been dreading it,” she went on in a rush. “Logan’s taking Charlie to spend the night at his folks’ on Long Island, and it was totally going to suck for me, you know, with him being gone, even for one night. To not be able to get up with him on Christmas morning.”

“Daisy, I can’t fix that.” Julian’s expression was soft with pain.

“I know, but with you around, at least it’ll be bearable.”

“I’m trying to tell you, I won’t be around. I have training in Florida over Christmas break.”

It took her a moment to assimilate this. “Training. You’re training at Christmas.”

“It’s mandatory,” he said.

“Over
Christmas?
”

“That’s the ROTC for you,” he said. “I’ll get a forty-eight-hour liberty, but that’s not enough time to make it home and back. Look, it’s what you sign up for. I’m getting an education out of the deal. That’s a fair trade. I’d love to be here for Christmas, but I can’t. I need to stay in this for my future. I started with nothing, no way to pay for Cornell, without this. It’s the only ticket I have to a decent life. You know that. It’s important.”

When will I be important? Daisy wondered. Or will I ever?

She stared at the ground, unwilling to burden him with her insecurities. “You’re right,” she said quietly, using all her self-control to hide her yearning and regrets. “You do what you have to do. And I’ll do the same.”

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“Don’t apologize. It’s nobody’s fault. I’ll see you…when I see you, right?” She pasted on a bright smile. Then she glanced at her watch. “So, listen, I don’t want the librarian to think I’ve abandoned Charlie. I’d better get inside.”

“All right.” He took her hand and pressed it briefly to his chest, next to his heart. His eyes told her things she knew he’d never say. Then he swiftly bent to touch his lips to hers. “Bye, Daisy. I hope you and Charlie have a nice Christmas.”

Again, she thought. Kiss me again.

He didn’t, though, so she stepped back. “You, too, Julian. Call me, okay?”

“Of course.”

Better yet, she thought, ask me to spend more time with you right now. He didn’t, though. She tried not to hurry too fast into the building, didn’t want to seem as though she was fleeing. In the foyer, she paused to compose herself. She shut her eyes and stifled a sigh.
I hope you and Charlie have a nice Christmas.
She was sending her son to be with his other family this Christmas. Sonnet wasn’t coming home. Julian wasn’t coming home. How good could it be?

Oh, and Logan wanted to talk about Christmas tonight. She wondered what
that
could be about.

Daisy had given up trying to plan things past the next few hours. With a little kid, it was impossible to do much more than that. She was at an age when her friends were seeing the world, meeting new people, heading toward dreams held dear since they were very small.

Daisy’s life was different. It revolved around Charlie, and everything else came in a distant second. Her dreams were still there, though, deeply held, yet distant. She still wanted to follow her passion for photography and art.

And she wanted to be in love. She wanted the kind of love so strong it reminded her of pain. She wanted the feeling she got when Julian pressed her hand against his heart and let everything show in his eyes. But it was a fine line to walk, between love and pain.

People liked to say when the right kind of love came along, you knew it.

But did you?

One thing Charlie had taught her was that there were a lot of different kinds of love. There was the love she had for her child, which was composed of bubbling-over joy
so bright it seemed to shine with a light of its own. And in the blink of an eye, it could morph into icy terror, when Charlie got sick, or it could turn into a fierce protectiveness that gave her the strength of an Olympian, willing to fight to the death for him if need be.

And then there was the emotion she felt for Logan. Though he was the father of her child, he’d never been her boyfriend. They had come together out of hormones and confusion and teen angst, high on pot and pills. A few weeks after that, Daisy was shuddering with morning sickness and Logan was in rehab.

No one, least of all Daisy, had expected him to step up and be a dad. Logan had surprised everyone by doing just that. She had to give him props for his commitment and devotion. But was it the same as love? Having made Charlie together, both adoring him so much, was a powerful bond. It was a kind of love. What she didn’t know was whether or not it was the kind of love that felt as necessary as breathing, that lasted as long as life.

They had never talked about it. Not directly, anyway. Weirdly, she approached Julian the same way. There was a tacit agreement to leave their relationship undefined. If you didn’t know what something was, if you didn’t admit to a feeling, then it couldn’t hurt you.

Right?