[Lanen Kaelar 01] - Song in the Silence (3 page)

“What about you?” I asked as kindly as
I could, turning back to face him. All women have a sense that warms them of
such things. I was shocked—he was all but betrothed to Alisonde from the
village—but I could smell it coming and was desperately trying to think of how
to get out of it without being too mean. I didn’t like him, but some things
demand mercy.

“Marry me, Lanen,” he said quietly,
moving close to me. He smelt of the stables even stronger than I did.
“I’ll not pretend there’s more between us than there is, and I—I’ll not
demand a husband’s rights, but you need a man to look after—to run the place
for you. You know everything I do, but you haven’t the touch.”

That was true enough. I never was interested in
horses the way he was, certainly, save perhaps when a mare was in labour.
Still, even in my anger I nearly smiled to myself. Poor Walther always thought
he was so subtle.

“Walther, this is so sudden,” I said,
unable to keep an edge from my voice. “What would Alisonde say? She
deserves better of you than this.”

He looked down. “She will understand.”

If it had been morning, broad daylight, I might
have held my peace and simply refused him; in the flickering torchlight at the
end of a long day I let my armour slip. “Aye,” I sneered. “She
loves you well enough to take a mistress’ place, as long as you never behave as
true husband to your wife. What a charming life you offer me, Walther! Marriage
without love or the comfort of your body, where you bring no more than my
father’s knowledge of horses as a bride-price.” I knew the progress of my
own anger by now, and tried to stop before my temper got the best of me.

He sounded only vaguely guilty at being found
out. “Lanen, you don’t understand—”

“Save your breath to fan the fire,” I
snapped. “You meant nothing else: You spent too much time with Hadron,
you’re beginning to sound like him.” I stopped my words there; but I
couldn’t stop my memories. Years, too many years of Hadron’s neglect; too many
times being told I was too plain, or too tall, or too manlike, or simply not
good enough to be my father’s daughter, piled on top of me like so much stone,
and just when I was beginning to learn my worth and value my solitude, Walther,
Walther of all people, insults me like this. I stood and fumed, I could feel my
eyes dancing with fury in the torchlight. “Why can’t you just marry her and
slay here?” I snarled my last valiant attempt to speak reasonably.

He was long silent; when he finally spoke his
words had to fight their way past a knot of anger in his throat as great as the
one in mine. “And live my life as your paid servant? No thank you,
cousin,” he growled. “I haven’t the money to go elsewhere and start
fresh. I thought I could be your man, since you don’t seem to need one like a
real woman, and I could have the place and Alisonde, too.”

That did it. I gave no warning, just drew back
and hit him.

I am only a little under six feet tall and strong
with it, and Jamie’s lessons were not wasted. Walther measured his length on
the paving stones and I stood over him, battling my need to hit him again.
“How dare you tell me what I need or do not?” I spat, barely
resisting the urge to kick him. Repeatedly. “I am more a real woman than
ever you could know, you cowardly lout. If you covet this stead then say so,
but I do not take insults well. Shall I tell Alisonde what your marriage
proposals are worth?” He still did not speak, but now at least had the
grace to look ashamed. In a breath, my anger turned to disgust.

“Ah, get to the Hells, Walther, all seven of
them, and take Alisonde with you,” I said, and was about to add a comment
on his manhood when I froze where I stood. Like the sun bursting into a dark
cellar, where all had been darkness there was blinding light. If I could have
spared the effort I would have laughed with delight, but too many other things
were crowding in on me.

Dear Walther. Time wears down the sharp edges of
youth and memory. I have spoken to him since and thanked him. He it was who
made me see that things had truly changed, that my life could be my own. I had
kept my soul alive through dreams in the dark, even after Hadron’ s death,
until Wanher with his absurd proposal shattered the darkness.

“Come, cousin,” I said, my anger gone
in the instant. I gave him my hand and helped him up. “Let us think of
this another way.”

“What way?” he asked, suspiciously,
rubbing his jaw and watching my hands.

“Why, you were partly right. I shall need
someone to look after the stock, to choose the right bloodlines for Hadron’s
horses, to care for them, to train them to harness and saddle. Surely you and
Jamie are best suited.”

“But what of you?”

I laughed. “I shall be gone, Walther. If you
see me once in the year it will be more than I expect. But I do not renounce my
inheritance; I am still Hadron’s heir, still the possessor of his house and
lands and all his goods. But I shall need funds.” I stared hard at him.
“This is what I propose, Walther. When the hands are paid and the year’s
accounts settled, any profits will be divided three ways, one share each to
you, me and Jamie. I shall simply ask Jamie to keep my shares for me until I
return to claim them. That way we are all three equals, you need not work for
me and you will soon have enough to marry Alisonde. Now, does that suit? Or do
I send you back to your father as you stand?”

He could not speak, so he nodded. “Very
well,” I continued.” I shall want a portion of the available moneys
to see me on my way, and I shall take with me a third of the profits from the
fair. Is it a bargain?”

He didn’t move, so in the country fashion I spat
in my palm and held out my open hand to him. He did the same and took mine in a
daze. Well he might—in payment for an empty proposal meant to manipulate a
weakling, he had received a decking and a secure future. I’d have been dazed,
too.

I was awake all night preparing a contract for us
three to sign, though I had to read it to Walther in the morning and help him
make his mark. I had carefully put my few belongings into an old pack with my
clothing and wrapped a good portion of silver in a pair of saddlebags. Jamie
and I left before dawn with the hands and the horses.

I was happier than I could remember being.

II

LESSONS

The way was long from my father’s farm.

Illara, where the great fair was held, lay a long
way east and a little south of Hadronsstead; we would be travelling the best
part of a fortnight. Thankfully, old King Tershet of Ilsa was not yet in his
dotage—there were not as many Patrols around as there might have been, but
there Were a few still out on the highways to keep order.

At the end of the first day’s travel I had been
awake for two full days. We found a clear dry place by the edge of a wood on a
little hill; with the last of my strength I helped tend the horses, inhaled
Jamie’s stew and slept like a dead thing.

The next morning was a mixed blessing. I woke
gently, lying on my back, to the lightening sky above me and the sweet sounds
of waking birds all around. There was a smell on the dawn wind that spoke of
winter’s coming, and an elusive scent of late wild roses caught at my heart.
The sun was nearly up, a bright clear glow in the east behind the trees. I
rolled over and stood up, surprised at how stiff I was. I had ridden all day
since I was a child, and worked long hard hours, but I had never slept on the
hard ground in the chill of early autumn afterwards. It made me swiftly and deeply
aware of the distance I had travelled already, which was nothing that could be
measured in leagues.

Jamie was already up and making the fire. He
grinned at me. “Groan away, lass, you’ve the right, but don’t expect any
sympathy from me. You’re the one always said you wanted to see the world!
There’s a stream down there,” he added, pointing down the hill.
“It’s’ good and fresh. The lads have taken the horses down for a drink,
but I could use more water myself. Just you take those buckets upstream a ways
and fetch me some, and I’ll have breakfast ready when you’ve done.”

I might have protested at being ordered about if
I had been awake, but Jamie knew me far too well. By the time I was aware
enough to object, I was at the stream.

I had a black moment there. Stiff as I was, it
had somehow not occurred to me before. Only as I knelt at the side of the water
did I understand in my chilly bones that I would not see a hot bath for weeks.
I suspect it was just as well I had something else to do before I saw Jamie
again. My mind was delighted beyond words at being gone from Hadronsstead, but
so far my body was not entirely convinced.

When I returned to the tire, though, I had a
little surprise for Jamie. I had planned it for ages; indeed, when I was a
child I dressed in that fashion most of the time. I had made the clothes in
secret soon after Hadron died, and now I was looking forward to a little gentle
revenge. When I returned to the fire Jamie looked up and stared. I was dressed
as he was, in woolen leggings and good stout boots and a long-sleeved wool
tunic that, belted, came some inches below my knee. No skirts, no shoes that
smacked of delicacy, no fine linen showing (though I kept my good shirt on
beneath the wool), and my hair bundied up under a shapeless hat.

He said nothing at first, but he had the
strangest look in his eyes, as though he saw a memory rather than me. Finally
he said, “Good idea. Better to ride in, at any rate, and other travellers
will have to look twice to know you’re a woman.”

That was the idea, of course; but somehow it hurt
to hear that from Jamie. Still, I was comfortable and sensibly dressed for
riding, and I had seldom asked more of clothing.

We had the luck of the weather when we started
out; it held fine for the first few days. I delighted in waking every morning
to find myself farther and farther from the places I knew. I gazed about me
every moment, cherishing the changes of the land as it grew more and more
unfamiliar, the smells and sounds of unknown places. The hills around and about
Hadronsstead began to give way to great plains. Much of the land was farmed—we
stayed with the horses in one or two barns on the way—but some was yet untamed.
The wild grasses grew high, now brown with autumn and heavy with seed. Usually
we all slept under the stars, Jamie, the lads and me, and as the night wind
blew through the grass I heard the voice of Kolmar whispering a welcome. The
ground was hard and I still woke sometimes with a stiff back, but I was so glad
to find myself on my way at last that I tried not to complain.

To my surprise, it was hard not to. No matter
that I had tried to imagine the hardships of a journey as well as the
pleasures—I had simply never been for longer than a day without the comforts of
a well-appointed farmhouse, and I missed them. I had never realised what it
truly meant to have four walls about me and a roof over my head. There was
safety and warmth and comfort there, cleanliness and good order. Here on the
road there was much to wonder at and enjoy, and so I did—but in those first
days I was perilously close to complaining.

I found, too, that by the end of the first week I
was looking about with a different eye. I began to grow nervous, checking
constantly over my shoulder for I could not tell what. Jamie noticed but he
never said anything.

After two more days of this I was ready to
scream. Were all my dreams to come to this, a useless woman afraid of her own
shadow, longing for her safe farm and searching always for something unknown? I
could bear it no longer. I pulled up alongside Jamie. We had not spoken much
lately, and I knew it was because he was waiting for me. Blast him.

“Well, then?” I asked. “Well what,
lass?”

“You know what I mean. What in the Hells is
this, Jamie? I keep looking for something and it’s never there.”

“Aye, so I’ve seen.” He smiled gently.
“Do you know what you’re looking for?”

“No! And if I don’t find it out soon I shall
go quite insane and start biting the horses. If you know what it is I wish
you’d tell me!”

He rode on in silence for a minute or so, then
said quietly, “I’m afraid it’s the walls of Hadronsstead you’re missing,
my lass.”

I swore. Jamie just grinned.

“But I’ve waited years to get away!”