Langdown Manor (17 page)

A shop assistant came up to us, her face a big apology. ‘I am sorry to have kept you so long,' she purred. ‘We are ready for the young lady now. If the young lady would like to try on the suit…' I made my way into one of the changing rooms.

The fitting didn't take long. Afterwards we dawdled through the shop, talking while pretending to admire the various fabrics laid out on the counters, the gloves, laces and scents. ‘You'll have to write to me at Langdown Manor,' I said. ‘If they let you write letters from prison,' I joked.

‘I'll find a way to change your mind!' said Marjorie. She looked earnestly at me. ‘Just think, if the suffragettes win the vote, it would be the beginning of a freer life for women. We would have more control over our lives. We'd be able to choose what we did and whom we married.' When she said that I thought about Fred and me. I tried to imagine what it would be like to live in a world where we didn't have to keep our relationship secret. Oh, I so wanted to confide in Marjorie, but I couldn't. It wasn't just my secret; it was Fred's, too. And it would be a million times worse for Fred than for me if Aunt ever found out.

I was sorry when we found ourselves back in the street. We stood there for a few minutes while the carriage was brought round.

‘What are you going to do now?' I asked while the footman held open the carriage door for me.

‘I am on – shall we say – other business.' She jerked her head at her maid. ‘I can trust her. She won't talk.'

Our cheeks bumped together. ‘Goodbye,' Marjorie murmured. ‘I am so glad we met. I wish it had been sooner.'

‘Write to me,' I reminded her.

‘I will.' She raised her hand and I watched her walk away. I sat down in the carriage opposite Baxter, the walking suit on the seat beside her. I leaned back and thought about what Marjorie had told me. I admired her courage. But prison? I shuddered.

George's pink car was parked outside the front door when we got back. No doubt I'd see him at lunch. But what about his passenger? Would I find her sitting at table with us? Somehow I doubted it. A girl who kissed a young man in public would never pass as a lady. David was a bad boy, Marjorie had said, but your cousin George is worse.

‘Ta-ra-ra boom de-ay! Ta-ra-ra boom de-ay!' It was the middle of the afternoon, but it sounded like the lower servants were having a party. I stood for a minute outside the kitchen door, then slowly pushed it open. I could hardly believe my eyes. The servants were dancing round the table, arms clasping each other's waists, hands on shoulders. At the head of them all was Ivy, performing the high kicks she'd demonstrated to me in my bedroom. Her coat was unbuttoned, her hat askew. I stood still, mouth open. What had got in to them? What would Cook say if she walked in now? But I needn't have worried. There was Cook, hands on Maisie's shoulders, swaying from side to side as she followed the train of servants round the table. No one seemed to have seen me. They were too carried away to have heard the door open.

It was Ivy who saw me first.

‘Jess!' she exclaimed. She stopped dancing and pushed through the servants to my side. They parted for her, as if she was a star. And they were right, she was. I felt myself enveloped in a huge hug.

‘Jess, I got the part! And it's not just the one job either. They want me in the company!'

So that was what the excitement was all about.

I hugged her back. Her eyes were shining. I felt mine grow watery. I blinked them rapidly – it was selfish of me to think of myself but, oh, I'd miss her.

‘No more dishes then,' I said.

‘No more dishes, Jess.'

‘Maddie will be pleased.'

‘Wish I could see her face when you tell her I'm an actress!'

I laughed.

The other servants had stopped dancing now. Cook was mopping her hot face and shooting out orders as if she'd just remembered who she was. Maisie perched on the table next to me.

‘So when do you start, Ivy?' she said.

‘Almost at once. I won't be coming back to Langdown.' She flopped down in a chair and stretched out her legs. ‘Oooh, I'm tired. I've been all morning on my feet in that scullery, and all afternoon prancing about on stage showing them what I could do.' But she laughed. I knew that today she didn't care how tired she was.

‘Have you told Mrs Barlow?' I asked her.

‘Not yet.'

Ivy unpinned her hat and tossed it on to the table. I looked at it lying there. It was as if in tossing away her hat, that symbol of respectability, Ivy was bidding farewell to a respectable life. Which was what I felt sure she was. Whatever Ivy liked to think, the stage wasn't a respectable occupation for a girl.

But what fun she'd have. If only I had talent like Ivy did. But I was a little mouse. I felt scared just going out into the town.

‘So when's the opening night?' asked Maisie eagerly.

‘It's after you go back to Langdown,' Ivy said. ‘Sorry, Ma
isie.'

I was sorry, too. I'd liked to have seen Ivy perform on stage. I'd never even been inside a London theatre – or any theatre.

‘But if the opening run's a success, we're going on tour,' Ivy said.

Maisie's eyes shone. ‘Oooh, then I could come and watch.'

‘You can all come,' Ivy said, grandly. ‘Best stall seats for my friends.'

I sat down next to her. There was something I still needed to be reassured about. ‘You do have somewhere to live, don't you, Ivy? Promise?'

‘Of course I have. Told you, didn't I?' Ivy put her hands on my shoulders and looked into my face. ‘What will you do when you don't have me to worry about, Jess?'

I gave a wry smile. ‘I expect I'll find someone else to take under my wing.'

‘I wish you were staying here, too. I'll miss you, Jess. Why don't you stay – you could find a job in the city?'

I shook my head. ‘Don't like the city, Ivy. I'm not like you.'

‘You don't know it. You've scarcely even seen it,' she said. ‘I wish we'd had time to take in a show. But we'll do it one day, Jess, you have my word on it.'

‘We will,' I said. ‘Ivy, hadn't you better speak to Mrs Barlow now? Someone will need to let them know at Langdown. We're shutting up house here soon.'

‘You're right. Best get it over with. They're bound to go on about the inconvenience. It's all that matters to them, isn't it? Their precious convenience. I can tell you, Jess, almost what's best is sticking up two fingers at them.'

‘And Mr George?' I couldn't resist adding as we walked out of the kitchen together.

‘Oh him, well he's been a good friend to me.'

I told her that I'd seen his car outside.

‘He didn't run me to the theatre and back, if that's what you're thinking. He's got another little bird to look after now – name of Bessie.'

‘So…?' I let the question hang in the air.

‘So you needn't worry about me. I'm not an idiot, Jess. I can stand on my own two feet.' As if to prove it she planted both feet wide apart. We burst out laughing.

‘Oh, Ivy, how I'm going to miss you,' I said. I put my hands on her shoulders and looked into her face. ‘I want you to promise me something.'

‘What is it, Jess? You look very serious.'

‘I don't want to see you back here.'

‘I think I can promise you that,' Ivy said.

‘Poll. My Poll.' He was holding my hands, as if he'd never let them go. My Poll, he'd said. My Poll. Now I knew what people meant when they said that they were so happy they wanted to cry.

‘I was afraid you'd forget me,' I gulped when I was able to speak again. I'd dreamed about this moment so many times, but it was more wonderful than I could ever have imagined.

‘I'll never do that. Oh, how I've missed you, Poll.'

He drew me slowly towards him. I could feel his breath warm on my cheek. He let go of my hands to draw me closer. I could feel his heart beating against mine. I felt dizzy.

I'd gone round to the stables as soon as we'd got back. I'd had a moment's panic when Clemmie said she would come too, but Aunt had ordered her up to the schoolroom. ‘I'll be down as soon as I can, Polly,' she had called to me. Don't make it too soon, I'd thought. I was longing to have some precious moments alone with Fred.

He was in the yard, scrubbing his hands and arms under the tap. He must have felt me there because he turned round at once. Our eyes met. I felt that every fibre of him was as aware of me as I was of him. I struggled to hold back my tears. I hadn't thought I'd cry when I saw him. ‘Hello, Fred,' I said, my voice husky. I walked towards him as calmly as I could, but my legs were trembling so that I could hardly stand. Jem came out of one of the stalls, a blanket in his hand. I gave him a cheery wave, wondering how I could be so natural with him in Fred's presence
. I must pretend and I don't want to. But I must – until…
‘Hello, Jem, I'm back.' Somehow I'd got my voice under control.

Jem gave me a grin. ‘I saw the carriage. I expect you've come to see Starshine.'

‘That's right. I've missed her.'

I talked on, hardly knowing what I was saying. Fred was drying himself with a towel. He tossed it aside and came towards me. ‘Let's see how Starshine is.' He wasn't looking at me as he spoke. I followed him to the stall. He opened it for me to walk in first. I went straight to Starshine, and stroked her coat.

‘Hello, Starshine,' I murmured. ‘Do you remember me?' Her head came round to nuzzle my palm. I stroked her nose, but all I could think about was that Fred was standing there, a few feet away from me.
Don't disappoint me! Don't tell me you've forgotten me
. I remembered that he'd written that there were things he'd wanted to tell me but didn't know how to write. I had been away for weeks. How did he feel about me now? Had he and Sarah made it up? They had been together for a long time, whereas he and I… Doubts and fears seeped into me. I laid my head against Starshine's coat. Why was he still standing there? Why didn't he say something – anything – to show me that he still cared?

‘Poll.' I could hear that he was close behind me. ‘Poll, I…' He sounded uncertain, as if he felt the same fears as me. Slowly I turned to face him. We looked deep into each other's eyes. He reached uncertainly for my hands. I clung to them. All my fears fell away. The stall felt suddenly full of sunshine.

He glanced up at my hair. ‘You're a proper young lady now,' he said.
So how was it?
his eyes asked.
Not forgotten me?

How can you think that?
my eyes replied.

I forgot everything then as he began to draw me towards him. I felt my hands tremble in his. ‘So,' he said at last, ‘are you still my girl?'

Did he need to ask? Couldn't he see how I felt in my eyes?

‘Fred, I missed you so much,' I said. ‘There will never be anyone but you!'

I thought of Ferdy and David, and I sighed. I felt uneasily certain that I'd not seen the last of them. Aunt was determined to marry me to Ferdy, or someone equally suitable. Someone suitable in her eyes – not mine.

But I couldn't marry him, or any of them. Even if there hadn't been Fred. I knew what sort of life I'd have with them. They'd want to wrap me up and display me. I'd never be able to be myself. They belonged to a world I didn't want to live in. Didn't belong in – and never could.

‘I made one good friend in London,' I said. ‘Her name is Marjorie.' I had promised Marjorie not to tell anyone that she'd joined the suffragettes, but I could still talk about them.

‘Fred,' I said, ‘have you heard of the suffragettes?'

‘What made you say that?' he asked curiously.

‘I heard someone talk about them,' I said.

‘Well I have, and I'm for them. They want to change women's lives for the better.' He smiled. ‘Are you trying to tell me that you've joined them?'

‘No, but I admire them,' I said. ‘Fred, if they succeed…'

He tipped my chin up to smile into my eyes. ‘You think that you and I will be able to be together, no one in our way. If only it were that simple, Poll.'

‘But…' I interrupted, then stopped myself. I didn't want to spoil our first day by going over all the tired old arguments again.

I looked at him. He was holding my hand, stroking it gently. I knew that there was something he wanted to say. Something that was troubling him. He couldn't hide from me any more than I could from him. Oh why had I said anything about the future? Now I'd spoilt everything.

‘What is it, Fred?' I said. He was holding my hand tightly.

He raised his eyes to mine. They were full of pain. ‘Mam has died,' he said. He turned his head away. ‘Oh Poll, I missed you so badly. I wanted you so much. I can't tell you how much.'

I turned his head back to me. I took his face in my hands.

‘Was that what you wanted to write?' I whispered. He couldn't look at me but he nodded. A tear slid down his cheek. I stroked it softly, wiping it away.

‘His lordship gave me leave to go to Mam at once,' he said. ‘After Mam died I stayed on until Uncle came to fetch my brother and sisters. My brother will be starting his apprenticeship soon, but they all need a home. It's a weight off me to know they will have one. He's a good man, my uncle; I don't have any fears for them with him. But they'll be a long way away. I won't be able to visit them often. I felt so alone when I got back here. I missed you so much.'

‘I'm here now,' I said, putting my arms around him.

I comforted him as well as I could. I tried to shift some of the pain he felt to me. And as I held him I felt my own grief at Mother's death pour through me. For months I'd kept it in check but now I could hold it back no longer. It was as if his grief had touched something deep inside me.

At last we released each other. We wiped each other's eyes, and smiled. I'd never felt so close to him before. We talked then, of little things – about the filly that Uncle was to race at Ascot. Fred was looking after her.

‘She's still a handful,' he said, with a sidelong glance at me. ‘Reminds me of someone.' We burst out laughing.

I took his hand in mine and held it to my cheek. ‘Clemmie said she'd be along soon. I'd better go back to the house in case she comes to find me.'

‘Jem will be wondering where I am, too,' Fred said. ‘You've been a long time greeting Starshine.' He smiled, squeezed my hand tight then let it go. ‘You are such a comfort to me, Poll. I don't know what I'd do without you.' My heart felt as if it would burst with happiness.

Before I left him, Fred warned me that preparations for Ascot would keep him busy, but I was on air as I walked back to the house. Ascot would soon be over and then we'd go riding every day.

I was nearly there when I saw Clemmie. My heart gave a lurch. A few minutes more and she'd have been searching the stables for me. I gave her a beaming smile – I was so happy I felt that I loved the whole world and everything in it.

‘I'm glad I've found you,' she said, running up to me. ‘I was on my way to the stables. I told Mother you might be there. Mother says it is time for tea. You have been a long time.'

Her eyes were frank, but I felt a prick of unease. How long had I been then? I'd lost all sense of time. We walked up to the house together.

‘I was talking to Starshine. I missed her,' I said. ‘But she seems to have been happy enough without me.'

‘Shall we ride together, tomorrow?' said Clemmie, looking up at me. ‘I hardly saw you in London!'

‘I know,' I said. ‘We were so busy. But we'll have lots of time together now.'

‘We're going to Ascot,' Clemmie said. ‘I'm going, too. Father has a horse running. I expect you know. Isn't it exciting! Have you ever been to the races?'

‘I did in India,' I told her.

‘You never talk about India now,' said Clemmie curiously. ‘Do you still miss it?'

‘I miss Father,' I said.

‘Perhaps he'll come and visit you. I'd like to meet him,' Clemmie said. I put an arm round her shoulder and gave her a squeeze. She was such a dear little girl.

‘I wish you were my sister,' I said.

Her face went pink. ‘Do you really? Really and truly?' I nodded. ‘Well,' she said, ‘I wish you were mine.'

We ran up the steps together.

I had to try and hide how happy I felt as I joined the family for tea. Aunt gave me a glance of surprise.

‘Why – Penelope. Where have you been?' She looked me up and down. ‘You haven't changed?'

I looked down at myself. I was still in my travelling gown.

‘You surely haven't been at the stables all this time?'

I felt myself blush. ‘I'm sorry, Aunt,' I said.

‘Well, never mind for today. But remember, you are a young lady now.' To my surprise she did not chastise me further.

I sat down next to Clemmie.

Aunt smiled. ‘Has Clementine told you about Ascot?'

I tried to sound interested, but my mind was still full of my meeting with Fred. ‘She has.'

‘Did she tell you that we have been invited to join the Waterlows?'

‘Oh,' I said, unable to squeeze out any more enthusiasm.

Aunt's smile grew broader. ‘Yes, young Lord Waterlow will be among the party. You have made a very favourable impression on that young man, my dear.'

I felt myself panic. The walls of the house seemed to be closing in on me. I had a desperate urge to get up and run from the room.

‘Well?' Aunt seemed surprised by my lack of response.

‘I will look forward to seeing Lord Waterlow again,' I forced myself to say.

‘He is a most delightful young man. And his sister is so fond of you, too. A very desirable connection for you to have made, my dear.'

Even if I stood on my head and waved my legs in the air Aunt would smile on me now.

I was relieved when a knock on the door announced the arrival of tea. I had thought I was hungry but I could only pick at a scone. I crumbled it between my fingers. Arabella looked at me in distaste.

I escaped as soon as I could. Marjorie had warned me that eager suitors would pursue me to Langdown, but I hadn't thought it would be so soon. As I walked up the great staircase the eyes of Uncle's ancestors stared mockingly at me from behind their frames.
Ha! There is no escape for you.
In my room I went to the window and gazed out. I had looked forward to returning, but I had merely exchanged one prison for another. But at least Fred shared
this
prison, and as long as he was here I felt I could put up with anything.