Read Larry and the Meaning of Life Online
Authors: Janet Tashjian
Larry and the Meaning of Life (3 page)
I avoided Beth's phone calls and biked to Walden the next day. It took two walks around the pond before I found Gus. He was at the site of Thoreau's cabin, sitting atop the cairn.
23
23
“I'm not sure you should be sitting up there,” I said. “It's kind of sacred, don't you think?”
Gus stood up and beat his chest like King Kong. “I think
should
is the first word we should ax from your vocabulary.”
should
is the first word we should ax from your vocabulary.”
I didn't tell him he'd just used the word himself.
“So, you decided to enlist,” Gus said.
“You make it sound like the army.”
“Spiritual boot campâyou're exactly right.”
“Muldarian ⦠what kind of name is that?”
“Armenian.” He jumped off the makeshift memorial with unexpected grace for a man his size. “Let's go meet the others.”
I couldn't hide my surprise. “Others? I thought you were the guru and I was the student.”
“You think you're important enough to warrant one-on-one attention?”
“It's not that,” I said. “I just thoughtâ”
“Another bad habit we should break you out of.”
This time I couldn't help myself. “You said
should
again.”
should
again.”
He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me toward him in a bear hug. “
Now
you're paying attention.”
Now
you're paying attention.”
We walked toward the small beach at the south end of the pond. He finally released me from his grip when the path became too narrow and we were forced to walk single file.
24
Although it was October, several people sunned themselves on shore. A few people my age sat on the stone wall dangling their legs in the water. Both women had hair down to their waists and wore jeans and hoodies. The three guys all had a few days of chin stubble that was meant to look casual but actually took days to get just right.
25
Their identical dress shot a warning directly to my gut.
24
Although it was October, several people sunned themselves on shore. A few people my age sat on the stone wall dangling their legs in the water. Both women had hair down to their waists and wore jeans and hoodies. The three guys all had a few days of chin stubble that was meant to look casual but actually took days to get just right.
25
Their identical dress shot a warning directly to my gut.
“This is Josh,” Gus told them. “He'll be joining our group.”
“Hi, Josh,” they said in unison.
I suddenly wondered if Gus was recruiting for Alcoholics Anonymous. I gave a quick wave then looked down to my feet. Was I making a giant mistake?
The others paid rapt attention as Gus spoke about the importance of commitment to a spiritual path. I tried to stay focused but felt distracted by the bait and switch. If Gus was running a camp for Spiritual Wanderers, why didn't he say so?
When Gus discussed the group's daily routine, the five other “students” raced for their notebooks. I rummaged through my pack but found only a pen. I took notes on the palm of my hand until one of the girls in the group handed me some paper. The whole thing was beginning to feel like junior highâin a word, humiliating. I figured if I made it till noon, I could fabricate some excuse and hightail it back home.
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Gus sensed my lack of enthusiasm. “Josh obviously has more important things to do. Why don't you share your thoughts with the rest of us?”
Junior high, nothingâmake that fourth grade. I decided to cut short my losses. “No offense, but this isn't for me. I misunderstood your program. I'm sorry.”
Gus didn't look a bit annoyed as he continued to wade through the pond. “You thought you were someone special who deserved a teacher all to himself.”
“It's not that.”
“You think you're better than these other pilgrims, more evolved.”
“No, of course not.”
“We've got another group of disciples coming today. Kids like you from all over the country looking for meaning in their lives.” Gus opened his arms wide to encircle the panorama of the pond. “I'll tell you what I think. You're the most lost soul here. I think you came out of the gate quickly with lots of purpose, then floundered. An eighteen-year-old burnout, that's what you are. You used to have ideas on how to change the
world, how to save the planet, but now you can't figure out how to save yourself.”
world, how to save the planet, but now you can't figure out how to save yourself.”
It's as if he was living in my frontal lobe. Gus went on for several minutesâabout how I had a lot to learn from these other “disciples,” how my morbid self-absorption would only lead to more despair. How I needed to wake up to the world around me. Parts of his rant actually reminded me of some of my own. Still, the regimen he laid out seemed like a lot ofâwhat's the word?âoh, yeah, work.
I returned the paper to the girl next to me and got up to leave. I wished them all luck, Gus included.
“You make your own luck,” Gus said.
“I'd love to stay and bandy around more clichés, but I've got to go.”
“Don't get carpal tunnel from using that remote!” Gus waved goodbye with no trace of animosity.
As I walked up the hill to the parking lot, a group of kids my age was heading to the pond. They wore the same jeans and hooded sweatshirts as the students back at the beach. As I passed through the group, I studied their faces. It was only a fleeting glance, but I had to admit they seemed happy and serene.
It wasn't the girl in the back that got my attention; it was the dog trotting along beside her. The collie suddenly ran toward me and jumped up, placing his front paws on my chest. The dog's tail wagged furiously as he licked my face.
The girl stood beside us laughing. “Looks like Brady missed you.”
I gently let the collie down and grabbed Janine.
Where had she been living? What was she doing? I fired questions at Janine, but she insisted on attending Gus's lecture. I didn't want Gus to think I'd changed my mind about his program because an old girlfriend showed up, so I biked around Concord for the rest of the morning and met Janine back at Walden for lunch. She looked amazing. Her waist-length hair was a hundred-and-eighty-degree change from Beth's cropped do. It took a while to get used to Janine in these clothes; her zany sense of style was one of the things I'd always loved about her. She smelled like oranges, and her skin was tan and smooth. I asked if she'd continued her habit of silent Mondays
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and if she still went to concerts all the time.
28
After the small talk, I told her how I'd traveled across the country to find her. Turns out she'd been in L.A. studying with Gus.
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and if she still went to concerts all the time.
28
After the small talk, I told her how I'd traveled across the country to find her. Turns out she'd been in L.A. studying with Gus.
“I went to Gus's first lecture on a lark. Guaranteed enlightenmentâI mean, come on.” Janine fed a bite of her hummus wrap to Brady. “But I started noticing these amazing changes in my life. I've been following him ever since.”
I asked her what kind of changes.
“I feel as if my life has a purpose now, you know what I mean?”
“Unfortunately not. The word
purpose
has jettisoned itself from my internal dictionary.”
purpose
has jettisoned itself from my internal dictionary.”
“You of all people,” she said. “That's a shame.”
Somehow admitting I'd lost a grip on something so important seemed a huge concession to make, even to Janine. Truth was, I found her new assuredness unnerving. It sounded petty, but of the two of us, I'd always been the one with a clear game plan and she more or less tagged along. I can't say I appreciated our psychic switcheroo.
“Who are all these âstudents'? Are they runaways?”
“Of course not!” she laughed. “A lot of them are taking time off after high school. Some study with Gus part time. It's totally voluntaryâhe's legit.”
“I guess it can't do any harm to listen in.”
She put her hand on mine with what seemed like platonic support. “It's always a good idea to follow your heart.”
Greatâmore clichés. But I told her I
had
followed my heart, six thousand miles' worth. “It's not your faultâno one had a gun to my head to find you. But between that and losing the election, the meaninglessness crept in, pulled up a chair, and made itself at home.”
had
followed my heart, six thousand miles' worth. “It's not your faultâno one had a gun to my head to find you. But between that and losing the election, the meaninglessness crept in, pulled up a chair, and made itself at home.”
“I'm sure you'll turn it around. I have complete faith in you.”
Her happiness
had
to be fake. I decided to test her newfound tranquility. “Beth's doing great at Brown. Political Science, Drama Club. I see her all the time.”
had
to be fake. I decided to test her newfound tranquility. “Beth's doing great at Brown. Political Science, Drama Club. I see her all the time.”
Janine seemed ecstatic. “I'm so happy for her.”
“She looks stunning. Short hair, fit. Really hot.”
“She was always so beautiful.”
This was not working out as I'd expected.
“Maybe I will sign up to study with Gus. Maybe Beth and I
both
will.”
both
will.”
Janine beamed. “That sounds like a terrific idea.”
I couldn't even look at her; my small-mindedness was embarrassing even to me. I'd spent lots of time with Janine when we lived in Boulder, and she'd never had this quiet composure. I looked back down the hill to Gus and his students. The “guru” was skimming stones into the pond with such ease, I half expected him to retrieve the rocks by walking on water, even with the pond not frozen. He was right about one thing: I may have dashed out of the purpose gate at an early age, but the rest of the world wasn't waiting for me to catch up. The few months I'd spent wallowing around at home suddenly seemed like chains I needed to break free of.
I've never been the club-joining type,
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but maybe it was time to start.
29
but maybe it was time to start.
“Sounds like a cult,” Peter said. “And a guru named Gus?
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Please!”
30
Please!”
Beth agreed. “Gurus aren't supposed to be stalkers. You don't even know who this guy is. He could be some con artist trying to scam you out of your life savings.”
“I have fewer than seventy-five possessions. I hardly think anyone's going to get rich off me.”
“At least let me check this guy out, make some inquiries,” Peter said.
I told him I didn't care who the guy wasâhe'd done wonders for Janine.
“I'm glad she's doing well,” Beth said. “But that doesn't mean this program will work for you.”
“Hear, hear,” Peter agreed.
Beth stopped the glider we were both rocking on. “How did she look, by the way?”
“Janine? Great.”
She nodded and started up the glider again. “Skinny?”
I shrugged. “I guess so.”
“Good skinny, though, right? Not too skinny, I hope.”
I told her Janine looked good.
“'Cuz sometimes you can get
too
skinny.”
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too
skinny.”
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“I wasn't focused on her weight,” I answered. “She just seemed content.”
“Sure it's not drugs?” Peter asked. “You can never tell with these cults.”
“It's not a cult. I'll be living
here
! I can leave anytime.”
here
! I can leave anytime.”
“Is her hair still long?” Beth picked at her tiny bangs. “It's not like I care, I'm just wondering.”
“You're so focused on the externals, maybe
you
should take a course in spiritual enlightenment.”
you
should take a course in spiritual enlightenment.”
“I'm not the one playing D & D in my basement all day.”
“As of tomorrow, neither am I.”
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“Please don't do this,” Beth said. “And I'm not saying it because Janine will be there.”
“My mother said Gus was for real.”
“No offense, but I wouldn't make a life decision based on people standing at the Chanel counter,” Peter said.
“It's always been my most important decision-making criterionâyou know this!”
Peter mumbled something about learning from my own mistakes, then lit the grill for dinner. I waited until Beth left before I dropped the bomb I'd been saving since yesterday.
“Uhm, there's a fee to study with Gus,” I said. “Two thousand dollars.”
Peter turned the knob of the grill with so much force a stripe of orange flame leaped toward his head. He jumped back and lowered the burner.
“Two thousand dollars? Whatever happened to âall you need is love'?”
I explained that lots of teachers charged tuition, including those at Princeton.
He
explained he'd been working almost pro bono since he left his advertising job and barely had any savings left.
He
explained he'd been working almost pro bono since he left his advertising job and barely had any savings left.
“Never mind,” I said. “I'll make other arrangements. Don't worry about it.”
Peter turned off the grill; it seemed neither of us were hungry anymore. I headed to the basement.
Since I was a kid, the back-and-forth movement of the cellar swing had served as a mental metronome for me. After climbing on, it took only a few moments for the repetitive motion to calm my mind.
I had to admit that Beth and Peter weren't the only ones with doubts. Suppose Gus further derailed my already-precarious mental state? And I couldn't say I was looking forward to being in “class” again. The longer I thought about it, the more reasons I came up with to bail on the whole thing. But a little sliver of hope deep inside forced its way to my consciousness.
You're sick of just lying around. You want your
life to have meaning again. You need help getting out of your own way.
You're sick of just lying around. You want your
life to have meaning again. You need help getting out of your own way.
I remembered a quote from Joseph Campbell that I'd read in tenth grade: “I don't believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive.” The quotation summed up my feelings exactly. I didn't care about the why of life so much as I just wanted to partake in it againâwith full attention and participation. I didn't want to sleepwalk anymore; I wanted to be awake. I just had to find a way to make it happen.
Peter came downstairs and sat cross-legged on the floor next to me. He pushed me on the swing as if I were a toddler at the playground. I was embarrassed by his fatherly attempt at connection and braked the swing with my leg.
“If you really want to do it, I'll lend you the money,” he said. “It's up to you.”
I thanked him for his generous offer and told him I'd repay him in full.
“You're right about that,” Peter said. “With interest.”
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