Last of The Summer Wine (3 page)
Wally is having a cup of tea in the café before going to a furniture auction. Compo, Clegg and Foggy enter.
SID: (
To Wally
) Hello. I see they’re letting them out again, before they’re cured.
COMPO: How-do, Wal’.
WALLY: (
Sadly
) How-do, Compo. (
To Clegg and Foggy
) How-do.
FOGGY: That’s the spirit, Wally, keep looking on the bright side.
WALLY: (
Referring to Nora
) She’s sending me off to an auction now.
CLEGG: Why doesn’t she just divorce you, like anybody normal?
To test Clegg’s new metal detector, Foggy looks into his purse for a coin to bury.
COMPO: Hey-up, things must be serious if Foggy’s opened his purse. I wouldn’t bother with that, Foggy. We’ve been decimalised since tha were last in there.
D
ID YOU KNOW?
Jane Freeman, alias Ivy from Sid’s Café, played such a tough, sharp-tongued character, constantly hectoring her hubby, she was once nearly pushed off a railway platform by a man angry at how she treated her on-screen partner.
Nora opens her back-door and in bursts Compo, wearing a wet-suit and flippers.
COMPO: Ah, ha, ha! It is Nora, my little water-nymph.
NORA: Get away from me.
COMPO: Oh, Nora, come, swim with me, and between us we’ll raise a pair of kippers.
NORA: Keep your fishy-fingers away from my body. Have you gone berserk?
COMPO: More than berserk, Nora. Would you like to have a look at my snorkel?
Foggy is unhappy with Compo’s choice of clothing for their holiday.
FOGGY: (
To Clegg
) We’re going to have to cover him up with something.
CLEGG: Like what?
FOGGY: Well, six-feet of earth springs immediately to mind.
Compo, Clegg and Foggy are in the café when Wally quietly enters and sits down.
SID: Hello, Wally, haven’t you got anything to do at home?
WALLY: That’s right, go on, get nasty.
SID: What did I say that’s nasty?
WALLY: You said ‘home’. A bloke sneaks out for a few minutes to try and forget. Next minute some clown’s reminding him of home.
COMPO: Giving you hard time is she, Wal’?
WALLY: Isn’t she ever?
COMPO: Well, I keep tellin’ thee. Send her round to my place.
WALLY: And I keep tellin’ thee: get it done up a bit and maybe she’ll come.
COMPO: Hey-up, I should need a firmer promise than that, Wal’, before I went to any expense.
WALLY: (
Moans
) There’s always a snag.
SID: Eh, have you ever thought about leaving her?
WALLY: (
With frustration
) How can I? She’s reduced me brain to jelly. I’m dependent on her.
SID: (
Looks towards kitchen, where Ivy is
) I know what you mean, not so much a marriage, more a life-support machine.
Compo, Clegg and Foggy are collecting Sam from hospital but he’s not happy with his doctor’s orders.
SAM: (
Reading list
) No cream cakes, no animal fats, no fornication.
CLEGG: Well, it’s time you packed it in, anyway. Cream cakes at your age, disgusting!
Sid and Ivy are asleep in bed when they’re woken by a tapping noise on the window.
IVY: (
Worried
) Listen, there’s somebody at the window.
SID: Don’t talk wet, we’re upstairs.
Ivy turns on the lamp and they see a hand tapping on the window.
IVY: My god, there
is
somebody at the window. Go and see who it is.
SID: And be a male chauvinist pig? What about all this equal opportunity?
Ivy kicks Sid out of bed.
IVY: You worm, expecting your wife to go, into the clutches…it could be anybody—some lunatic desperate for a woman.
‘N
ORMAN CLEGG THAT WAS.
’ (M
ARINA
)
SID: Well, there you are, you see, it’s for you.
Foggy, Compo and Clegg are outside their old school, reminiscing about their childhood and remembering a lost friend.
CLEGG: The thing about growing up is that you get fewer scabs on your knees, but more internal injuries.
COMPO: Aye, they were great days at school.
CLEGG: Oh yes, they were great days. But even then, there was no real amnesty. Do you remember the day when that little yellowhammer flew straight at the window? You picked it up.
COMPO: Aye, they’ve got lovely markings.
CLEGG: It had a drop of blood on its beak. Identical colour to ours. Just one drop, like a bright bead. And then there were all those brightly-plumed kids who left school, flying cheerfully and didn’t get far—ran smack into World War Two.
FOGGY: That’s right, look on the bright side.
COMPO: Hey, cheer up.
CLEGG: Little Tommy Naylor, lying in Africa somewhere. Blood on his beak. Identical colour to ours.
Nora and Wally are parked-up in the motorcycle and sidecar, surrounded by beautiful countryside. Nora shouts at Wally.
NORA: Well? Talk to me, say something—anything!
WALLY: (
Thinks for a moment
) About what?
NORA: About anything, I don’t care. Just
talk
to me. You never speak to me.
WALLY: I spoke to you yesterday. I asked you where me elastic bandage was.
NORA: That was Monday. It doesn’t matter where we go, you don’t talk. You just sit there. You used to like my company—once.
WALLY: Oh aye, once. But I’ve got it all week now.
Nora lashes out at Wally.
NORA: Don’t you ever think of me as a woman? A person? Am I always just a wife?
WALLY: You’ve never been just a wife. You’re about as much wife as anybody could handle. There’s nobody had more wife than I have.
‘B
LOOD AND STOMACH PILLS.
’ (I
VY
)
NORA: You just sit there. I wonder sometimes if you’d ever miss me if I left.
WALLY: (
Cheerfully
) We could give it a try.
Compo, Clegg and Foggy are in the pub, trying to ask Wally a personal question.
FOGGY: We shall, of course, treat any information you might give us on this subject, in the—strictest confidence. (
Shakes Wally’s hand
)
COMPO: Not a whisper. (
Also shakes Wally’s hand
) You ain’t got much of a grip there, Wal’.
WALLY: It’s as much as I need for anything that’s available to a person of my age.
CLEGG: Good grief, is it really as slack as all that?
COMPO: It is.
CLEGG: (
Shaking Wally’s hand
) My god, it is, yes.
COMPO: It’s like half a pound of liver.
FOGGY: Look, never mind his grip.
COMPO: Never mind his grip, how’s he going to protect Nora with a grip like that? Suppose some bloke, who was frustrated and lonely, suddenly leapt out on our Nora?
CLEGG: My goodness, how frustrated and lonely can you get?
FOGGY: The mind boggles, doesn’t it? I mean, let’s be rational about this, I mean…who the heck is going to leap out on the woman, she’s terrible. (
Quickly apologising
) Oh, begging your pardon, Wally.
WALLY: (
Not offended
) Point taken.
COMPO: (
Protesting
) Listen, blokes leap out on women all the time—there’s me for a start!
WALLY: Well, let’s face it, I’m in no condition to go punching people about.
CLEGG: Wally, you’re in no condition to go screaming for help.
WALLY: (
Sadly
) It’s true. If she was attacked right in front of me eyes I’d have to stand there, helpless. Helpless! She could have the bloke mauled to death before I could drag her off.
Compo, Clegg and Foggy have gone to Nora’s to ask a favour of Wally. The men are sat in the living-room while Nora has gone to fetch Wally.
NORA: (
In the background, shouting to Wally
) Come here and see what this lot want.
WALLY: What lot?
NORA: Come and find out, and get rid of them
quick.
I don’t want that lot cluttering up my house.
Wally goes into the living room and closes the door.
CLEGG: Hello, Wally.
WALLY: Ahh, human beings. We don’t get many human beings. Normally it’s just her lot.
FOGGY: Yes, it’s just a little favour, Wally, you know. We wondered if you could give us all a lift back up the hill on your motor-bike?
CLEGG: Wally, we wanted to keep it a secret from Nora, in case she invents 14 reasons for you not doing it.
WALLY: Well, it won’t be a secret now. She’ll be listening, she’s always listening.
D
ID YOU KNOW?
Three of the show’s popular characters—Marina, Pearl and Howard, played by Jean Fergusson, Juliette Kaplan and Robert Fyfe respectively—first appeared in a stage production of
Summer Wine.
Nora storms into the room, grabs Wally and throws him out.
NORA: That’s a lie, a wicked lie! (To
the men
) No, he can’t give you a lift up the hill. He’s far too busy.
Foggy is taking Compo and Clegg to the top of a steep hill.
COMPO: (
Nearly out of breath
) Oh, oh dear, I am glad we came. Aren’t you glad we came, Norm’?
CLEGG: (
Also gasping for breath
) Me? Oh, I’m just looking back nostalgically at the old days, when there used to be such a thing as oxygen.
FOGGY: Come on you men, we’re nearly there.
COMPO: Nearly where? There’s nowt up here.
CLEGG: Oh. Oh, don’t tell me that we’ve come all this way and God’s not in.
Nora and Ivy are in the café, asking Pearl about Howard’s misdemeanours.
IVY: Have you any proof that he’s got another woman?
PEARL: Well, not exactly proof.
IVY: Yeah, I don’t mean legal proof, I mean wife proof.
PEARL: Ooh, I’ve got plenty of that. He won’t wear the same shirt for more than two days. He’s started spending hours in the bathroom.
Nora and Ivy both sigh in disgust.
PEARL: Singing!
M
EMORIES
…
‘I’d just returned from holiday when my agent asked me to go for an interview the following day. I said I was too busy but changed my mind on discovering it was in the evening. The part required a very aggressive lady and I remember being just that at the interview. But I was called for a second interview and recall saying, “I can’t waste my time running up and down to London; you either want me or you don’t.” By the time I got home, a message was waiting for me, saying I’d got the part. That was Thursday and I started the following Monday. It was a mad rush because as well as learn my part, I had to find someone to run the gift shops I’d taken over since my husband’s death.
‘Pearl began life in the
Summer Wine
stage play in Bournemouth; I was then offered an episode on the box—just one scene. She grew from there, with Pearl, Marina and Howard forming a lovely ménage à trois which never got anywhere.
‘Occasionally, people thought we’d be like our characters in real life. Once, in Wakefield, we were drinking a cuppa when this woman came over, shouting: “I’m never going to watch your show again—you tell lies. You’re supposed to hate her (pointing at Jean Fergusson) yet you’re having tea together!”’
JULIETTE KAPLAN (Pearl)
IVY: Is he using your talcum powder?
PEARL: I think so.
IVY: Ooh, the swine.
NORA: They always want the biggest share of everything, especially of original sin.
IVY: Yeah, I suppose God made them to go and people the planet. I just wish he’d give them a hint when to stop.
Compo, Clegg and Foggy are trying to catch a donkey when they stumble across Howard and Marina having an extramarital tango.
MARINA: (Sees
Clegg)
Norman Clegg that was, who once dallied with my affections.
CLEGG:
(Retreats)
I never dallied, I never even dillied. Tell her I never dillied.
MARINA: Where’s he going?
COMPO: He’s got a donkey to catch.
MARINA: Damn, are the buses on strike again?
As Howard and Pearl approach the Pegden’s house to deliver their wedding present, they see Marina leaving.
PEARL: What’s she doing there?
HOWARD: Pearl, love, how do I know what a certain lady, who is almost entirely a stranger to me…
PEARL:
(Interrupting)
Don’t lie to me!
HOWARD:…could be doing at Wesley’s house?
PEARL: ‘Let’s call in at Wesley’s place,’ you said, ‘and leave our little wedding gift.’
HOWARD: I assure you Pearl, I had no idea.
PEARL: You’ve got ideas, it’s always been your trouble. You’ve got ideas bigger than your natural capacity.
HOWARD:
(Protesting)
I’ve never had any complaints about my natural capacity.
PEARL: Well, you’re getting one now!
Marina exchanges pleasantries, as she passes them.
M
EMORIES
…
‘I’ve played Howard for 24 years and it’s my favourite TV role. Like Marina and Pearl, Howard was first seen in the stage show.
‘It’s funny what you do for television: in real life, I don’t like heights but as Howard have climbed on roofs and been in a tree house; I guess you’re concentrating so much on your lines and the action, you don’t have time to worry about such things.
‘People still ask where Marina is when I’m walking down the street—the characters are so popular. There used to be a couple who’d dress up as Howard and Marina and cycle around Yorkshire on a tandem.’
ROBERT FYFE (Howard)
MARINA: Good evening, Pearl.
(Shyly)
Howard.
HOWARD: Oh, good evening, er…er…er.
‘T
HERE TAKIN HIS TELLY AGAIN
.’ (N
ORA
)
PEARL:
(Accusingly)
Her name slipped your memory, has it? A likely story.
HOWARD: I told you, practically a stranger to me.
PEARL: You should have no problem remembering the name ‘Marina’. Just think of it as a place frequented by sailors.
