Last of The Summer Wine (6 page)
Pearl, in the knowledge that Marina had been buying vanilla slices in the café, is surprised when Howard returns home with an old lawn-mower.
HOWARD: I thought it was really time I bought something for Pearl.
PEARL:
(Suspiciously)
You bought it for me?
HOWARD:
(Pretending to be hurt)
Well, of course I did. You think I go out there and never think about you. Well, this just shows I think about you all the time.
PEARL: Did you think about we haven’t got a lawn?
HOWARD: How’s a bloke supposed to remember everything?
M
EMORIES
…
‘When we talked about the music, Roy [Clarke] was happy to leave it to me, although he didn’t want anything jokey-just a good tune. A week later, Ronne Hazlehurst gave me a tape of what he’d written and I didn’t like it at all. Ronnie was usually brilliant at getting the mood of a show right but the music here seemed very conventional and opposite to what Roy wanted. “Can we have something more atmospheric?” I asked. “Something with a haunting tune—maybe a harmonica in it somewhere.” Ronnie nodded and went off, apparently disappointed at my reaction. Ten minutes later, he came back and asked, “Is this the kind of thing you want?” He whistled the tune, note for note, of what has been the theme music of Last
of the Summer Wine
for 36 years. “That’s not a good tune,” I said, “it’s a great tune.” Ronnie beamed, “Well that’s that fixed then.”’
JIMMY GILBERT (Original Director and later Head of Comedy)
Pearl notices something on Howard’s face.
PEARL: What’s that on your mouth?
HOWARD: It’s not lipstick!
PEARL: I can see it’s not lipstick.
HOWARD: Oh, then it doesn’t really matter what it is, does it?
PEARL: Wipe it off then.
Howard removes the substance with his handkerchief.
HOWARD: Oh, it’s just a bit of vanilla slice.
Pearl remembers what Ivy had previously told her and
sees
red.
PEARL: (
Angrily)
Inside! Do you know why we haven’t got a lawn? Because I’d be tempted to bury you under it!
Clegg, Truly, Nora and Ivy are sat in the hospital, waiting for news of Compo’s condition.
TRULY: I wonder what put the smile on his face?
NORA:
(Rapidly covering up her black tights)
Never you mind!
CLEGG: He never used to ail anything.
TRULY:
(Agreeing)
Even at school. We’d be coughing and sneezing, frog in your throat. He’d have one in his pocket.
‘I
AM SMILING.
’ (S
MILER
)
IVY: Ready for dropping down girls’ blouses!
NORA: Took his time getting it out, though.
M
EMORIES
…
‘I cast Thora Hird as Edie. My wife, Constance, suggested her. I didn’t think she’d want to join us but Contance didn’t agree, mentioning Thora had said it was one of her favourite programmes. She brought a huge audience with her. Constance also suggested Jean Alexander for Auntie Wainwright. She’d just come out of
Coronation Street
and agreed to do it. How lucky we were.’
ALAN J W BELL (Producer/Director)
‘When Brian Wilde contracted shingles and had to drop out the series, the lines were rewritten for a retired police sergeant and I got the part. As soon as I received my first script, I knew it was good stuff-such wonderful lines.
‘Deciding how to play Truly didn’t take long because it was all there in the scripts; the more you can use yourself, though, the better, and as I tend to be a bit gloomy and pompous, it fitted well! It’s been one of my favourite jobs and I enjoy every minute.’
FRANK THORNTON (Truly)
Truly is sitting in the pub with Clegg, who is trying to pluck up courage to open Compo’s letter.
CLEGG:
(Holding the letter)
This is a first. He’s never written to me before.
TRULY: He’s never been so far away, before.
CLEGG:
(Sadly)
Do you think he
is
far away?
TRULY: No, not really. The dead you care about are only next door.
CLEGG: Well, I’ll drink to that.
They both raise their glasses to Compo.
TRULY:
(Impatiently)
Well, get it opened.
M
EMORIES
…
‘When it came to setting the comedy, I was thinking of areas I knew, like the edges of Sheffield, but we couldn’t find anything suitable. The idea of using Holmfirth came from Barry Took, who’d visited the town and thought it ideal for a TV location. I had to ask Jimmy [Gilbert] where it was, but we took a look and agreed it was just right—a remote, tight community. The location was a huge contribution to the series.’
ROY CLARKE
‘Bill Owen died of cancer mid-series. If he’d died between seasons, the show would have probably finished. But, financially, we had to finish the season; I had three scripts to do, covering his death and funeral. I usually take about a fortnight for each but had just a weekend. Under immense pressure, I was able to write them. The best combination in the world is sadness and humour and I achieved that in these scripts. There was so much emotion involved, but it was important not to make the scripts too sad and to retain the bounce and funnies. It turned out to be some of the best material I’ve written.’
ROY CLARKE
CLEGG: I’ll get round to it.
TRULY: You’re making a meal of it.
CLEGG: It makes me nervous.
TRULY: What’s to be nervous about?
CLEGG: He’s spelt ‘Clegg’ with only one ‘g’.
TRULY: Just be thankful you’re not ‘Greek’!
CLEGG: Maybe he didn’t have the strength for two ‘g’s.
TRULY: Oh, give over, he never could spell.
CLEGG: Well, not when he was alive but, somehow, you expect dead people to spell better.
TRULY: He’s only just got there. Wait til they’ve had him for a while.
CLEGG: I can’t get used to him being dead.
TRULY: I know what you mean. Never seemed the type, did he?
I mean, if he can die, nobody’s safe.
As
Compo’s coffin is placed in the hearse, after his funeral, his oldest friend bids him an emotional farewell.
CLEGG: We thought you’d like another wander through the hills, old son.
‘D
RINK YOUR COFFEE
.’ (E
DIE
)
The funeral cortège heads off through the valley, taking Compo on one last, sentimental journey
Stubborn Goff Helliwell has decided that he’s going to die next Tuesday Truly Clegg and Billy decide to pay a visit to his bedside.
TRULY: What’s this about dying next Tuesday?
GOFF:
(Adamantly)
Tuesday, that’s it, finished.
D
ID YOU KNOW
?
It was announced in 1996 that the Queen is a huge fan of the programme.
CLEGG: Aren’t you supposed to be ill first, or something?
GOFF: Oh, bother that. That gets messy and inconvenient.
BILLY: Tha can’t just die Goff, just like that.
GOFF: Who says, clever beggar? Just thee wait. Tuesday, it is.
His wife, Florrie, is sniffing sadly, in the background.
GOFF: Stop snivelling Florrie. I’ve left thee well provided for.
She leaves the room.
GOFF: Women, if they’re not shouting at you, they’re weeping.
CLEGG: Why Tuesday?
GOFF: She does Shepherd’s Pie on Monday and I’m not missing that.
Truly is watching the distant figures of Alvin and Howard through a pair of binoculars whilst Entwistle and Clegg think back to their younger days.
ENTWISTLE: Funny how life turns out. They say at school, ‘What you want to be?’ I say, ‘Multi-millionaire’!
CLEGG: Maybe they had no vacancies?
TRULY: Should have worn a tie.
CLEGG: I committed suicide on leaving school. Well, almost. I became a lino salesman, which is as close as you can get, without a gun or a rope.
ENTWISTLE: You didn’t like lino?
CLEGG: How can you like lino? It’s cold, it cracks, it smells. People used to put it in their bathrooms, which were already the coldest places on earth.
TRULY: That’s why we never had fridges. The English bathroom was just as good.
M
EMORIES
…
‘When offered the role, I thought that of all the TV shows in the world, the one that would never offer me a job was
Summer Wine
because it’s such an English show and I don’t play English! But I met Alan, the director, and we got on well. I read the scripts, thought they were lovely and jokey so agreed to do a few episodes—seven years later, I’m still doing them.
‘It’s a lovely gentle programme. Before it’s shown, we should put up a sign, saying: “This show contains no bad language, no violence and no scenes of a sexual nature.” And that’s what I like about it.’
BURT KWOUK (Entwistle)
‘Roy Clarke is a genius, a master of words. As soon as you read the scripts you know it’s quality dialogue.’
ALAN J W BELL (Producer/Director)
Hobbo, a retired milkman who believes he used to be a secret agent, is relaxing with Alvin and Entwistle, in a beauty spot by a reservoir.
HOBBO: Should you be lying on damp grass?
ENTWISTLE: Is it damp? Risk it. Give it a whirl. Live dangerously.
‘O
W DO LADS
.’ (
WESLEY
)
HOBBO: It’s funny you should say that, I keep getting these memory flashes. I have lived dangerously.
ENTWISTLE: Selling eggs and milk?
HOBBO: That must have been my cover.
Later on, Hobbo explains some of the pitfalls of working undercover.
HOBBO: A secret agent’s no good if he’s covered in Vick vapour-rub! You’d smell him for miles.
W
ith over 250 episodes, spanning 36 years, you have to be a mastermind to know the entire ins-and-outs of Roy Clarke’s classic sitcom. But try your luck on these questions.
- What was Compo’s surname?
- Actor Peter Sallis started his working life in what profession?
- Foggy Dewhurst served in which section of the armed forces?
- Which actress in the sitcom had played Miss Luke in Crossroads?
- When John Comer, who played Sid, died, who arrived at the café to help Ivy?
- What was Wesley Pegden’s usual attire?
- Frank Thornton, who played Truly, appeared as Captain Peacock in which popular sitcom?
- Name Howard’s so-called lady friend?
- Edie, who was played by Thora Hird, had a brother in the show. What was his name?
- Which actor played Nora Batty’s henpecked husband, Wally?
A
NSWERS
1) Simmonite; 2) Banking industry; 3) RAF; 4) Kathy Staff; 5) Crusher Milburn, played by Jonathan Linsey; 6) Greasy overalls; 7) Are You Being Served?; 8) Marina; 9) Seymour, played by Michael Aldridge; 10) Joe Gladwin
This book wouldn’t have been possible without Roy Clarke, who gave up valuable time to be interviewed and kindly allowed me to write about his fine sitcom and publish extracts from his many scripts. Thank you, Roy.
I’m also indebted to three walking
Summer Wine
encyclopaedias, namely Clive Eardley, Margaret Tillotson and Robert Hatton, all leading lights in the Last of the Summer Wine Appreciation Society. They have been fundamental in making this book possible, using their extensive knowledge of the sitcom to select some of the best scenes to publish in the book. Thanks for your invaluable help, especially when working to an extremely tight deadline and realising from the outset that choosing favourite scenes from over 280 shows would be excruciatingly difficult.
Then there is Alan J W Bell, the long-serving producer/ director of
Summer Wine
. Not only did he give up a lot of time
to discuss the show but he kindly allowed me to use many of his own photographs in the book. Other photos, meanwhile, were supplied by experienced photographer Malcolm Howarth, so thank you both.
Of course, there are many other people who have generously given up time to be interviewed or to help in a host of ways, such as Jimmy Gilbert and the actors - I’m indebted to you all. Last, but by no means least, thank you to my agent, Jeffrey Simmons and everyone at HarperCollins.
Finally, for further information about the Appreciation Society, formed in 1993, write to 18 Fairfield Avenue, Altofts, West Yorkshire WF6 2NH or ring 01924 893340.
I
N THE SAME SERIES:
Porridge
Dad’s Army
Only Fools and Horses
HarperCollins
Publishers
77-85 Fulham Palace Road,
Hammersmith, London W6 8JB
www.harpercollins.co.uk
First published by HarperCollins
Publishers
2009
FIRST EDITION
Scripts © Roy Clarke 2009
© Richard Webber Ltd 2009
The Author asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work
A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library
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EPub Edition © OCTOBER 2009 ISBN: 978-0-007-23730-2
