Laugh Lines: Conversations With Comedians (37 page)

Corey: Have you been touring?

Andy: Good couple—of weirdoes! Don’t you like them, though?

Corey: I like Lou Reed. I’m not a huge Laurie Anderson fan.

Andy: It’s just so weird. I saw her live.

Corey: What was that show like?

Andy: Weird, but I like that. That’s what I try to do with my music and my show is I try to do something that I would want to watch if I was watching it in the theatre. It’s not for everybody, but I like it. You know, within the first five minutes, I have my sponsor vomiting into my mouth. I like it.

Corey: Who’s your sponsor?

Andy: My 500-pound friend, Paul Henderson.

Corey: What is he vomiting into your mouth?

Andy: Well, people think it’s vomit. They really think the show is breaking down right before their eyes. It’s really whatever he can find at the grocery. Cream of chicken soup, cream of chunky chowder, whatever. Clam. I say, ‘Please try not to get clams or any kind of meat—like that potato creamy with chunks of potato, that’s great.

Corey: Are you a vegetarian?

Andy: No, but I just don’t like the idea of some meat that has been sitting in a can, doesn’t get cooked, goes right into his mouth and then into my mouth. I don’t like that.

Corey: Because that’s really only heating it to 98 degrees, right?

Andy: Yeah, although he is a big guy.

Corey: Let’s get back to the album. I like the song called ‘Little Brown Ring.’

Andy: You actually received the album, the whole 10 songs? And you heard all of them? That’s awesome, dude. That’s awesome. Do you ever, like you heard it once, did you ever go back to it again?

Corey: I have listened to it a couple times. There is one song that I’ve gone back to a couple times.

Andy: Can I guess?

Corey: The remix.

Andy: You gave it away. The ‘Little Brown Ring’ remix. I love that too, dude. I love that weird robotic voice. Do you remember Boney M?

Corey: No.

Andy: They were big in Europe. I lived in Europe when I was 12. They were big in Europe. It was inspired by them.

Corey: It seems to me that you might have a little fascination with the anus. Didn’t you have a talking anus on your MTV show?

Andy: Oh, I did; didn’t I? Oops, you caught me.

Corey: Is there anything you want to elaborate on there?

Andy: I think it’s right there not only in print, but on video. By the way, don’t ever videotape yourself doing anything sexual. Why would people do that?

Corey: I don’t know.

Andy: I did once years ago, and then I just freaked out. I ripped the tape up. I burned it. I destroyed it.

Corey: It hasn’t come back to haunt you?

Andy: No, it won’t. It can’t.

Corey: How many of these songs are autobiographical?

Andy: They all start with the seed of truth, and then just for the theatricals of the song, I turn it up a couple notches. Like the ‘Stalker Song,’ almost every girlfriend I’ve ever had, I wind up kind of stalking her. It’s embarrassing. I don’t even know why I talk about it.

Corey: Have you ever been on the other end of that, had a fan stalk you?

Andy: Yes, I did have one stalker once, and I got rid of her. You know how?

Corey: How?

Andy: I fucked her, 20 times.

Corey: That worked?

Andy: Yeah, I think we had both had enough. It was not even the kind of girl I’m attracted to, but it was so easy I had to do it.

Corey: Did you know at the time that she was stalking you?

Andy: Yeah, she would show up to every live gig I ever did, and I just started noticing because she’d always come up and talk to me. And she started inviting herself out with me and the band to go eat. And she literally wouldn’t leave me alone. And I turned to her one night at Jerry’s Deli and said, ‘Listen, if I fuck you, will you shut the fuck up?’ And I fucked her that night.

Corey: Did you hear from her after that?

Andy: Yeah. We fucked like 20 more times. It was good. I’m like, what did I wait for? I should have done this the first night.

Corey: Did you send a copy of your CD to Stephen Hawking?

Andy: Very good idea. You know what that song is about? It’s just quite simply about a guy who is jealous of Stephen Hawking, not because of his brain but because he is jealous of the fact that he gets pushed around, so he doesn’t have to walk. He just sits in a chair and gets pushed around. Wouldn’t you like that?

Corey: A lazy person.

Andy: You could say lazy, but I would say lucky person. Me and you could get up when we needed to. I think I would like to be pushed around in some kind of chair. I was just telling someone on the set of that new show, whenever I find a position to be in when I’m acting, I always try to be sitting. Even on the edge of a desk or something. I’m so tired. We shot the show last night, interviews all morning. Out with the cast, right to these interviews. I’m so in the mode of doing radio. I’m amped. Where are you?

Corey: Alton, Illinois. We’re right on the border of Illinois and Missouri.

Andy: St. Louis, St. Louie. However you say it. It’s in Illinois?

Corey: No, we’re right on the border.

Andy: But you’re in St. Louis?

Corey: No, I’m in Illinois.

Andy: Is it Louie or Louis?

Corey: It’s Louis.

Andy: So you’re from Chicago or Joliet, where are you?

Corey: St. Louis is the closest major city. Chicago is about four hours from here.

Andy: It is? What city are you in again? Because I’m from Illinois.

Corey: Alton.

Andy: Alton? Is that near Champaign-Urbana? Is that where Southern Illinois University is?

Corey: Yes, one of them.

Andy: My brother went there. Big party school from what I hear. You’re partying right now! I lived in Joliet and went to Champaign-Urbana. But only for one semester at Illinois, and then I transferred to University of Illinois. But then I just dropped out.

Corey: What were you studying?

Andy: Theater. The theatricals. I made that word up. Do you like that? I think I made that word up. I like it. You know my favorite word?

Corey: What?

Andy: Beautilities.

Corey: What does that mean? (chuckling)

Andy: I think it’s like beauty supplies and what not. There’s a store on Robertson in L.A. called Robertson’s Beautilities. And it is, it’s all curlers and make-up and stuff for the industry, I think.

Corey: You recently had an E! True Hollywood Story.

Andy: I didn’t see it so there’s really nothing to talk about. All I know is they called me and said, ‘We’re doing your E! True Hollywood Story,’ which by the way I had done already on my show. I beat them to the punch because I knew they were just waiting to do it. They said, ‘Do you want to be a part of it?’ ‘If I say no, can you just not do one, please, and I’ll do something for you, but can we just not do that.’ They said, ‘Oh no, we’re doing it. We just want to know if you want to be involved or not.’

Corey: So you decided to go ahead and do it?

Andy: I had to. I had to represent.

Corey: Did anyone call you the next day who had seen it?

Andy: I got calls from my close friends. I was concerned that they were really gonna rake me across the coals but it was really a happy-ending type story, from what everybody told me. I saw the last 10 minutes or so in my dressing room today, actually.

Corey: A lot of articles I’ve read about you seem to have quotes from people who are happy that you seem stable and happy now. Are you in a happy place?

Andy: I stopped chasing happiness. I just try to get through my day. I’m happy occasionally, sad occasionally, wigged out occasionally. I’m on an emotional roller coaster.

Corey: How do you like that?

Andy: I have no choice. It just happens. I stepped onto one. I think it happened when I was adopted. You step onto an emotional roller coaster that is never-ending. I think I’d like to get off but there’s no way without like prescription drugs, which some of my friends take. I’m freaked out by those. I know a lot of people who took them, stopped taking them and died. Watch the ‘E! True Hollywood’ thing.

Corey: A lot of your songs are about sex and sexuality. Are you comfortable talking about that?

Andy: Yeah, I think I am. I think that it’s another one of my addictions.

Corey: Does that seem to be a little safer for you?

Andy: Yeah, I can’t imagine going through a rehab for sex. What would you do?

Corey: They have those.

Andy: They do, because didn’t Michael Douglas go? I think of that and maybe I’m just kind of in my prime so people are attracted to me. My sex drive went up because I’m healthier. I just love sex. It just feels good.

Corey: Do you get enough sex?

Andy: Yeah, I’m over sexed. There’s plenty to go around.

Corey: Have you ever just considered ever settling down with one person?

Andy: But I have. I have kids. I was with both of my exes for years at a time. I just broke off a relationship or she did. Let’s just say she did, after three years. We thought we were in love. It’s tough. Relationships. Yuck. I tried it. I just like to go right to the sex. Dating, I don’t even like it. I’m a little jaded right now. I’ll evolve. I’ll change.

Corey: You don’t think you’re looking for true love?

Andy: I don’t think it exists. Does it? All my true loves I think were probably obsessions, addictions. I admit it. Anything else?

Corey: Would you like to do another skit comedy show?

Andy: Are you from Canada?

Corey: No.

Andy: But you’re very close to it. When you were really young, did you take trips up there so you could drink? You probably didn’t have to. You can get it anywhere. Remember Skokie, Illinois?

Corey: I’ve never been there.

Andy: Me either. It’s one of those joke cities. In L.A., I say Rancho Cucamonga, because I want to say a city that’s stupid. I’ve never been there. It’s probably a great place.