Laura Abbot (11 page)

“Those are fine words, but you may change your mind after you think about what I’ve told you. Until the end of my days, I will live with what I’ve done. That is not a burden to put upon another.”

She wanted to say she would gladly accept that burden, yet how might such a sentiment be interpreted? Would she be committing to a deepening of their relationship? Her mind blocked further contemplation of that question. Now was not the time. Instead, she offered what solace she could. “Caleb, God has forgiven you. I have forgiven you. Can you forgive yourself?”

“I despair. Where was God that day? Where is He now?”

“God was present in your compassion, with the mother who so fiercely protected her child and with every man who ministered to another on that battlefield. In the same way, He is here holding our hands and healing our broken hearts.” Lily had no idea where her answer had come from. Perhaps divine inspiration?

“I’d like to believe that.” He straightened up and his voice grew stronger. “I will try to believe that.”

“We can pray for such understanding.” She studied his pale face and trembling hands. “I fear our conversation has tired you. Let me help you back to your bed.”

On the return trip, his body hunched with exhaustion and pain, and she took the full brunt of his weight. He seemed too tired to utter a single word. She eased him onto his bed and poured him a drink of water.

Finally he spoke. “You must think me a coward.”

She guided the cup to his mouth. “Quite the contrary. To have confessed what you just did is an ultimate form of bravery. It took courage to reveal yourself to another.”

He swallowed, then waved the cup aside and fell back on the pillow. “I shouldn’t have told you such a gruesome story. It is not fit for a woman’s ears.”

“Caleb, your trust in me is a gift.”

“Trust. Yes, that must be it.” He sighed again and closed his eyes.

Lily tiptoed from his side, knowing that after such an ordeal, he needed his sleep.

* * *

Caleb lay still, his eyes shut, listening to Lily’s skirt brush the floor as she moved away.
Trust?
What had he been thinking? How had she wormed that story out of him? Lily was the woman he loved, yet he had undoubtedly shocked her. From boyhood, he had been taught to honor and protect women, to treat them with gentleness, but what had he done? Spit out the venom built up within him during his years in the army and revealed his own dark nature. The weird thing was that, despite his shame, he also felt so great a relief it was scary. Like when he was a child and held his emotions in check until, finally, at night he loosed tears upon his pillow.

His lungs ached now with the breath he held. He didn’t know if he would ever breathe easily again until he next saw Lily. He didn’t want her pity, nor would he welcome any attempts she might make to heal his past. He threw an arm over his face. What did he want? He knew. He’d spent much of his recuperation thinking about it. Especially after today, though, he had little prayer of receiving it. He wanted her to look at him with unconditional love, to accept him with all his flaws and promise to be his forever.

He rolled onto his side, away from prying eyes, and, at last, asked God for forgiveness...and another chance with Lily.

When he awoke from a deep sleep a few hours later, the hospital was dimly lit. Only a few of those wounded in the recent engagement were still there, joined by one or two others with seasonal maladies. He roused himself, sat up and threw his legs over the side of the bed. One thing had become clear to him in the night. Self-pity would ill serve him; it was the resort of a coward. What had happened to him in the past was unchangeable, but perhaps the future was still in his hands. His immediate goal was to recover his strength. Then to pursue Lily with all his heart. That was a battle too important to contemplate losing.

* * *

The next afternoon Lily was surprised and pleased to find Caleb sitting at a small table reading and looking rested. She had fretted through the night about the physical and emotional strain to which he had subjected himself, both walking outside and then sharing his horrific memories. Unspeakable as his descriptions were, she knew there were many more wrenching details he could have shared, more than any woman could possibly imagine. The self-control it took for most of these battle-scarred soldiers to function as well as they did was admirable. Beneath that veneer, Lily suspected that what they most needed was understanding and tenderness.

She approached Caleb and stood over him. “What are you reading?”

When he looked up at her, she saw none of the fatigue of the previous afternoon. “I’m boning up on
Paradise Lost.
Remember, you promised me a discussion of Milton’s version of Eve’s fall.”

“Be that as it may, I’ve had quite enough of serpents lately.”

“But the one in the poem talks.”

“He talks, yes, but as a tempter. Oily he is. Can you really blame Eve for biting into the apple?”

“You women always fall for a glib tongue.”

She was about to whack him with her handkerchief when she noticed the mischievous grin on his face. “Sir, I think you are teasing me, and, in truth, that is welcome. You must be on the mend.”

“I hope so. I’ve lost too much time here.”

“Your body needed that time,” Lily reminded him.

He sobered. “As did my soul.”

It was his only reference to their conversation of the previous afternoon. She could pursue that train of thought, but that choice was best left to him. “Healing can’t be rushed.”

“I’ve heard you say that before, Miss Kellogg.”

She smiled. “It’s sound advice.”

“And I will heed it, though with a strong dose of impatience.” He pointed to the vacant chair across the table. “Do you have time to sit for a spell or is duty calling you?”

She glanced around the room to satisfy herself that there were no pressing needs among the patients. “I would like that.” She sat down. “Especially because I have received a letter that might interest you.” She reached in her apron pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. “This is from Moses.”

“Please, read.”

“‘Miss Lily, you bin good I hope. Ole Massa snake bin keepin’ in his hole?’”

Caleb winked at her. “If only Moses knew. Those snakes follow you like bees to honey.”

“Let’s not talk about it.” Lily smoothed the wrinkled page and continued.

“My post is Fort Sill in Injun Territory. It’s hot, missy. Like burning coal cinders. Officers keep us busy, but they a good lot, by and large. I hope you safe. I don’t forget how nice you be to me.”

Lily folded the letter and returned it to her pocket. “It’s signed ‘Your true friend, Moses.’”

“Your kindness and generosity of spirit obviously meant a lot to him.”

“As his bravery and selflessness did to me.” She shook her head sadly. “If God created all of us in His image, why can’t we get along?”

“I pray unity is God’s ultimate plan. Until then, we fight the devil within us, I guess.”

Rather than continue with so deep a subject, she attempted to lighten the mood. “Clever, Captain. Now you’ve brought us right back to
Paradise Lost
and Satan’s starring role.” She rose and in a mock maternal tone said, “No more, sir, of serpents. This Eve has duties to perform, and they don’t include apples.”

When she turned to leave, he grasped her by the wrist. “Before you go...Milton also said that we can make a hell of Heaven or a heaven of Hell.” His eyes sought hers. “Lily, you have helped make a heaven of my hell.” He dropped her wrist, yet she remained rooted to the spot, speechless. “You have restored my trust.”

The remainder of the day, she replayed their final exchange, reveling in his compliment, yet feeling both the full weight of the responsibility he had placed in her and her anxiety about fulfilling whatever it was he wanted from her. What had started as friendship and simple attraction had escalated into something else, something she wasn’t sure she could handle, at least not without hurting Caleb, who was already so vulnerable. Or was she fooling herself?

* * *

A week later, Fannie stood admiring herself in Effie’s full-length mirror while Lily, on hands and knees, measured the hem of the wedding dress. “You are a wiggle worm. Hold still.”

“I’m so excited. Lily, I never dared dream of such a splendid gown.”

Effie bustled into the room, bearing a small notebook and pencil. “I am off to the sutler’s to buy ingredients for the cake. I pray the man has vanilla in stock.”

Fannie laughed. “No matter. The wedding will be perfect regardless of what happens.”

“How can you say that?” Lily mumbled with pins in her mouth.

“Because I am marrying my Will. All the rest is just, oh, dear, I’m afraid I’m about to make a joke, icing on the cake.” Effie hooted and Lily spat pins all over the floor, reflecting that since Fannie’s arrival she’d laughed more than she had in a great long while.

After Effie departed, Lily helped Fannie out of the nearly completed gown and folded it carefully. While Fannie dressed, Lily poured two glasses of the lemonade Effie had left for them. They carried the drinks onto the porch where, thankfully, a breeze made the heat bearable. Fannie turned her big brown eyes on Lily. “I know we haven’t been acquainted long, but I am so very fond of you. Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?”

“There are no secrets between true friends. Please.”

“How do you feel about Captain Montgomery?”

“Caleb?” Lily blushed. “He is a fine man and a good friend.”

“That’s the way Will feels about him, too. He says he’s never had a better comrade.” Fannie pursed her lips as if weighing her words, then went on. “He’s in love with you, you know.”

Lily gaped. “Love?” Yet even as she expressed doubt, she was overcome by a certainty she had avoided acknowledging. “Surely you are mistaken.”

“I think not. Will came to that conclusion even before I arrived. I, too, have seen how the captain looks at you, the way his eyes follow you as you move around the hospital.” She shook her head decisively. “If Will and I are any judge of such matters, the man is totally besotted.”

Lily set the cold glass of lemonade on the porch railing and then wrapped her arms around her waist in a futile attempt to contain her emotions. “No, no.”

Fannie quirked an eyebrow. “Come now, my friend. Surely you have noticed something.”

“I fear I have no experience with matters of the heart.”

“Well, you better be getting some, because, my dear, I think that horse has already left the barn.”

Lily rocked back and forth nervously, trying to recapture her moments with Caleb. Any single one of them could be considered innocent. But taken as a whole? And then...the kiss. “What do I do?”

Fannie smiled as if at a wayward child. “What do you want to do?”

Lily had never felt so at sea. “I don’t know.”

“But you admit it is possible that Caleb could be in love with you.”

Helplessly, Lily nodded.

“What about you? Are you in love with him?”

The thought was preposterous. Granted, she had enjoyed the fluttery feelings of attraction and admiration. But love? No serpent of Milton’s had ever planted such seeds of confusion as Fannie just had. “I...I can’t be.”

“Why ever not?”

“Because I’m leaving soon.” Lily rushed on to avoid thinking about the shocked look on Fannie’s face. “I’m visiting my aunt in St. Louis. It’s my dream come true.”

Fannie folded her hands in her lap and didn’t speak for some time. “Only you know what’s best for you. I could tell you not to go, not to turn your back on love, but I won’t.”

“Perhaps I will find love in St. Louis.”

“Perhaps,” Fannie said unconvincingly. “May I ask a favor? Please consider your future carefully. Caleb is a fine man whose like you may not find again.” She rose from the chair then and came to kneel at Lily’s side. “Whatever happens, I am your friend, Lily, and I want only what makes you happy. Forgive me for upsetting you.”

“In speaking your mind, you have only done what true friends do.”

“I, too, had an important choice to make about whether to come here and marry Will. In my confusion, I learned that all I could do was turn that decision over to God.”

“You truly believe God knows what is best for us, that He will provide an answer?”

“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.”

Just then Effie came striding toward them, a huge grin on her face. “Vanilla,” she shouted triumphantly. “I have it!”

The day then became so busy that it was only that evening in bed that Lily could permit herself to consider the huge questions Fannie had raised. The more she thought about Caleb, the more wide-awake she became. Could it be? She couldn’t deny that he often had sought out her company. Protected her from danger. Offered gestures of affection. Was that love?

And what of her feelings? Others could have attended to Caleb after his wounding. The truth was that not only had she stayed by his side to nurse him, but no force, however powerful, could’ve dragged her away.

All of that aside, he had opened his soul to her, an act of such vulnerability that it had brought tears to her eyes. Yes, there was no doubt. He trusted her.

She lay awake until dawn, her conscience stabbed by the biggest question of all. Was she capable of shattering the trust of a man whom she, indeed, might love in return?

Chapter Eleven

O
ver the next few days, Lily found it difficult to act natural around Caleb. Ever since her conversation with Fannie, she was self-consciously aware of his eyes upon her, and she found herself overanalyzing everything he said to her. Her friend seemed so sure of her observations, but, then, Fannie knew about love—what it looked and sounded like. Lily, on the other hand, had no experience to guide her. She would like to believe Fannie was embellishing the situation, but deep down, Lily knew something was different about her present relationship with Caleb, and that knowledge both thrilled and troubled her.

Fortunately, as of the day before, Lily didn’t have to interact with him at the hospital. Her father had dismissed him to his quarters and ordered his duties curtailed. Now she saw Caleb only by chance across the parade ground or among other people. It seemed to her that he, too, might be experiencing the new awkwardness between them. Perhaps he regretted confiding his battle stories.

Lily, blessedly, had other thoughts to occupy her mind. Fannie and Will’s wedding was to be the next Saturday, and the women of the fort were in a frenzy of baking and decorating. The officers and their families plus the men of Will’s troop were invited guests. Among those newly assigned to Fort Larned was a violinist who would provide the service music. Other musicians among the men would play for the dancing to follow the ceremony. Caleb had agreed to move in with a couple of bachelor officers so the newlyweds could have privacy. Fannie could hardly contain her excitement, and Will walked around grinning like a well-fed puppy.

The night before the wedding, a hard rain fell, bringing pleasant temperatures the following morning and renewing the drooping vegetation. By noon, all the ladies were dressed in their Sunday best while the soldiers had donned their least threadbare uniforms. The commissary was festooned with gaily colored ribbons collected from hope chests and sewing baskets, and two vases of wildflowers decorated the front of the room.

At precisely one-thirty, the chaplain, a gnomelike man with a cherubic smile, stepped up to face the congregation. Lily waited in the back with Fannie, radiant in her new gown, and Major Hurlburt, who would stand in for her father. Effie had arranged Fannie’s hair in a ringleted upsweep, and from her sparkling eyes to the tip of her toes, the bride was, quite simply, breathtaking.

Lily smoothed her own full blue skirt, then handed Fannie the small white Bible she had chosen to carry. Just as the violinist began “Sheep May Safely Graze,” Fannie drew Lily close in an embrace. Lily had just time to say, “Much joy,” before it was her turn to process toward the chaplain—and Caleb, who stood beside Will. Fans rustled and heads turned as she made her way down the aisle. Not daring to look at Caleb, she kept her eyes lowered until she took her place at the front.

Then Fannie made her entrance on the major’s arm, and whispered exclamations filled the room. “What a beauty!” and “Lucky man, that.” Effie beamed, as if she single-handedly had produced this vision of a bride. Will had eyes only for Fannie. As Lily pivoted to face the chaplain, Caleb caught her attention and smiled. Despite her efforts to remain calm, her trip-hammer heart betrayed her.

Will earnestly repeated his vows, clutching Fannie’s hand as if he would never relinquish it. “For better for worse, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death.” What depths of love it would take to sustain such devotion. A sudden image of her parents surfaced. They had lived that promise. As her mother had known, life could be hard. How much more difficult would it have been without love?

Lost in such musing, Lily was deaf to the chaplain’s words until she roused to hear, “I now pronounce you man and wife. Those whom God hath joined together, let no man put asunder.”

Will traced a finger down Fannie’s cheek, then turned and offered her his arm. Suddenly wistful, Lily bowed her head. “Lily?” Caleb materialized at her side. “Shall we?”

They followed the bride and groom out into the sunshine. Before others departed the building, Will enfolded Fannie in his arms and kissed her with enthusiasm. The bride’s lilting laugh provided a grace note to the nuptials, Lily thought. As the newlyweds began greeting their guests, an aura of happiness enveloped them, and, looking on, Lily knew this was what Fannie’s certainty looked like.

Caleb smiled down at Lily. “I doubt my friend could be any happier.”

“Nor the bride any lovelier.”

He lowered his voice. “No lovelier than her maid of honor.”

Lily was loath to look up, afraid what his eyes might reveal...and hers. “You’ve just never seen me so dressed up.” She disengaged her arm from his and twirled about, showing off her dress.

“Your gown is pretty,” he conceded, “but I was talking about the woman wearing it.”

She had thought to deflect his admiration, but he had countered her ploy. “You flatter me, sir.”

“Whoa. I thought we had pledged honesty to one another. Flattery is not among my weapons of choice.”

“Then I must do as my mother always taught me in the face of a compliment.”

“And what is that?”

“Say, ‘Thank you.’ So, Captain Montgomery, thank you.”

“You deserve compliments, Lily. For your beauty and for your character.”

“Surely you are still ill, and it is your feverish brain talking.”

He threw back his head and laughed. “No, I am not ill, but I think I have found a way to get you flustered. That’s an achievement. You’re not usually so flappable.”

“And you like getting me flustered?”

“Of course. I spent years teasing a younger sister. Surely I can’t let all that experience go to waste.”

She mustered a begrudging grin. “There will be food going to waste if we don’t join the bride and groom at the table.”

The post cooks had roasted a pig for the festivities. In addition to the tender pork, the serving table was laden with baked beans, potatoes, fresh vegetables, cole slaw, melon slices and a tempting assortment of desserts made by the women. Caleb, Lily and the Hurlburts sat at a table with the bride and groom. Dancing followed, and it was comical to watch some of the soldiers dancing with one another.

Lily had been concerned about Caleb’s stamina, but he insisted on dancing both with Fannie and with her. When he took her in his arms, she couldn’t look at him, but instead concentrated on the feel of his palm on her back, guiding her across the floor. Relaxing into his grip, she felt as light as a butterfly. The Hurlburts glided past, and Effie called out, “You two put the rest of us to shame.”

Caleb spun Lily around and then whispered, “We are pretty good together, don’t you think?”

Lily gazed up at him, but lost in his twinkling eyes, forgot what she had intended to say.

“I’ll take that as a ‘yes,’” he said.

Where had she lost utter control of the situation? In the romance of the wedding? The contagious joy of the celebration? Or something else altogether? The magnetism of the handsome captain?

When the music ended, Caleb escorted her to her seat, but soon relinquished her to others seeking a dance partner. Throughout the afternoon’s festivities, Lily was aware of Caleb’s beaming approval, as if they were a couple and he was merely indulging the other men.

By early evening, the party wound down, and accompanied by noise makers, applause and laughter, the guests escorted Fannie and Will to their quarters. Watching as Will lifted Fannie with his good arm and carried her over the threshold, Lily uttered a silent prayer for their happiness.

Beside her, Caleb sighed and Lily sensed melancholy come over him. She touched his arm. “Already missing your bunk mate?”

“Walk with me?” He tucked her arm in his and began strolling toward the cemetery. “Bunk mates come and go. No, I was just remembering.” They walked a few more paces before he spoke again. “I was almost married once.”

Curiosity won out over discretion. “What happened?”

He chuckled wryly. “It’s not a very original story. Rebecca and I were young, we were engaged to be married, and then the war came.”

Lily said nothing, waiting for him to continue.

“I marched off with my fellow soldiers, she promised to be true to me, and many, many months passed. More than either of us had imagined. The thought of her was part of what kept me going.”

Lily dreaded hearing the rest, even as she knew he needed to tell it. “But something happened?”

He barked bitterly. “Oh, yes. My best friend happened. It seems while I was off fighting a war, Rebecca took a fancy to Abner. After all, he was right there at home with her. A heart condition prevented him from serving the Union.”

“How hurt you must have been.”

“Hurt. Angry. Ashamed.” They had reached the cemetery bench. “Sit with me, Lily. I want to tell you something.”

As she settled on the bench, she reflected that she had never seen Caleb so serious. He picked up her hand and held it tightly. “After I lost Rebecca, I swore off women. I threw all my strength and effort into being the best army officer I could be. I enjoyed the camaraderie of my fellows and satisfied myself that happiness did not depend upon having a sweetheart. That was a lie. There comes a time for most men, I believe, when they miss the companionship and love of a woman.” He swallowed, then turned to look directly at her. “That time has come for me.”

Lily desperately wanted him to stop with those words just as she equally desperately wanted to hear what he would say next. She sensed they were teetering on a precipice in their relationship, and she wished she could halt time.

“You, Lily,” he said, “you have made the difference.”

She knew he was waiting for her to comment, but for the life of her, she couldn’t think. “I...I don’t know what to say. I’m flattered, naturally, but—”

“You don’t have to say anything now. But I couldn’t continue holding in my feelings. We pledged honesty.” His voice fell to a whisper. “I’m in love with you, Lily Kellogg.”

Her breath caught in her throat. This couldn’t be happening. This was not the plan. Yet at the same time, as she gazed into his eyes, so full of both pain and love, she wanted only to make him complete. “Honesty...” She thought about the importance of what she said next. “You are dear to me, Caleb, and I am honored by your declaration. I know little of love. It would be premature for me to respond.”

He raised her hand to his lips and tenderly kissed it. “You need time.”

“I do. You have given me much to consider.” She struggled to go on. “My fear is that I will hurt you.”

He stood and pulled her to her feet. “That is a risk I am willing to take. I have said what I needed to say. Now then, may I escort you home?”

They walked in silence most of the way to her door. Never had Lily known such conflicting emotions. Worst of all, she had not been totally honest with him, and she hated herself for that. She had not told him about St. Louis.

* * *

The next day as Caleb went about his duties, he found himself second-guessing yesterday’s conversation with Lily. He hadn’t really expected her to swoon at his feet, yet he had hoped for something more promising than her careful response. While it had been a huge relief to unburden himself to her, he had been perturbed by her concern about hurting him. He didn’t need more rejection, but why had she so immediately considered that possibility?

In fairness, perhaps he was rushing things, but with his army stint drawing to a close in a month, he had little time for courtship. He grinned at the irony of that word—exactly what Will had accused him of and now here he was, knee-deep in it. He wanted to paint for Lily the vision of their home amid the beauty and sweep of the Flint Hills, of children growing up with the freedom of wide-open spaces, of a lifetime of love and devotion. The challenge was having so little time to persuade her.

He drew up short in his thinking. He didn’t want to have to persuade her of anything; he wanted her to embrace the future he hoped for them. Ultimately, however, her decision was out of his control. If they were meant to be together, then it would happen.

To that end, before supper, he made his way to the hospital. He had already observed Lily walking toward her mother’s grave site and hoped to catch Ezra Kellogg alone. The surgeon was in his office, bent over a book. Caleb tapped on the door. “Could I have a word, sir?”

Ezra closed the book and took off his spectacles. “Of course. Are you having difficulties, son?”

“I fatigue more easily and still haven’t full use of my shoulder, but that’s not why I’m here.”

Ezra pointed to a chair. “Have a seat. What can I do for you?”

Caleb sat down and considered how to phrase his request. “It surely has come to your attention that Lily and I have been spending considerable time together. She is a talented, compassionate nurse. Beyond that, I find her to be a woman of character and grace of whom I am quite fond.” He felt beads of perspiration forming on his brow and decided to cut to the chase. “I have come seeking your permission to court Lily.”

Ezra stared across the desk at him as if searching out his hidden flaws. “‘Fond,’ are you?” The word sounded somehow tainted in the surgeon’s mouth.

Caleb rubbed his palms on his thighs. “That is not quite accurate.” Lily’s father was not making this easy. “I am in love with your daughter.”

Caleb detected the suggestion of a smile in the man’s gaze. “Then why didn’t you say so in the first place?”

“What is in my heart didn’t make it to my lips, but my feelings are no less genuine for my dissembling.”

“Does she reciprocate your feelings?”

“I don’t know. I certainly hope so. I have expressed my love for her, but I didn’t feel it appropriate to ask for her hand until I spoke with you.”

“Admirable.”

Was the surgeon playing with him? Thus far Caleb had no sense of the man’s reactions. “She asked for time.”

“Time, yes. Never good to rush into these things.”

“Ordinarily I would agree. However, I will be mustering out of the army sometime around mid-August.”

“Does Lily know that?”

“Not yet. I respect her need for time. I don’t want my leaving to pressure a response from her.”