Laura Abbot (14 page)

“You’ll be a fine rancher. After a bit, you won’t miss the army.”

Caleb nodded, but knew he would never forget where he had been and what he had done in the line of duty.

“Maybe it’s none of my business, but Fannie and I wonder how you plan to leave things with Lily.”

“I’ve laid my cards on the table. Now it’s up to her.”

Will gave him a two-finger salute. “We’re rooting for you, Cap.” Will proceeded across the parade ground toward his home, leaving Caleb standing alone, staring up at the flag flapping in the breeze. Across the way he heard a hammer clanging on an anvil in the smithy’s shop, the raucous shouts of the hostlers outside the stables and the playful whinnying of horses. Saw the line of peaceful Indians, settlers and soldiers coming and going from the sutler’s. Smelled the aroma of fresh-baked bread from the baker’s oven. All of it familiar and soon to be forever left behind.

Seth’s visit had provided an incentive to prepare himself for the next chapter. His brother’s excitement about the ranch was contagious, and being with Seth had made him long for his father and sister. In some ways he wished he were going straight to the Flint Hills, but being assigned the St. Louis trip on ranch business made him feel useful and needed.

His daydreaming came to an abrupt end when a sergeant approached, saluted and handed him an envelope with the single word
Caleb
inscribed on it. As he wandered toward the stables to check on Bucephalus, he opened the envelope and unfolded a small scrap of paper. “Please meet me tonight after supper in the cemetery. Lily.” He stopped in his tracks. The barest of messages, couched in the most neutral of tones, saying nothing to give him hope. He had no means either to make time fly or to affect her answer. The day simply had to be endured.

* * *

Lily excused herself from supper, offering no explanation. Before she met with Caleb she wanted time with her mother. The earth was still warm when Lily sank to the ground beside the grave. When the time came, how difficult it would be to leave this sacred spot. Yet more enduring than this place were the memories of her vibrant, loving mother which would accompany her wherever she went.

“Mama,” she murmured. “It’s time for me to go—either to St. Louis or to marry Caleb. How I wish you were here to advise me. I think I know what I must do. Please help me to go forth with courage and hope and live each day fully, as you taught us to do.” Her mother’s
Amen
came in the rustle of wind through the grasses and the repetitive song of a whip-poor-will.

She stood, adjusted the skirt of her best dress and waited, hands patiently folded, for Caleb to arrive. She had not spoken to him during this long week, their only communication being the exchange of notes.

Then she spotted him, striding toward her, dressed in his official “best,” his polished buttons, shiny boots and clean-shaven face a testimony to his care in preparing to meet her. He approached, stopping several feet from her. His was an arresting presence—so straight of posture, his broad shoulders a bulwark of strength. Nerves threatened to undo her. “Good evening, Caleb.”

“Lily,” was all he said, and on his lips her name sounded like a prayer.

“Shall we walk?”

He put an arm around her waist. “It’s what we do, isn’t it?”

Without a word, they made their way toward the river. Now that he was here by her side, her heart fluttered like a hummingbird’s wing. Every thought, every argument, every emotion she’d experienced in the past seven days seemed centered in the sensation of being nestled against him. “I noticed you were favoring your shoulder when you returned from the last mission.”

“Ever the nurse, aren’t you?” His smile looked forced rather than teasing. “As you’ve pointed out, healing takes time.”

“Lots of things take time.”

He stopped walking and turned to face her, his expression solemn. “Like decisions?”

“Like decisions.”

Neither of them spoke for a long while, their eyes locked in a communication beyond the power of words. Lily wished this moment would never end, because to end it would set a course from which there could be no return.

Caleb lifted his hand to her face, his fingers moving lightly as if memorizing her features. “Nothing has changed for me, Lily. I love you and pray you return that sentiment. These days of waiting have been agony.”

Her lips trembled under the butterfly-wing touch of his thumb, and her body quivered, racked by a storm of indecision. But no. She had made up her mind. Inhaling deeply, she forced out the words. “You honor me with your love and with your proposal. I have considered both long and prayerfully.”

“And...?” In his eyes she read the pain of one facing an executioner.

“Caleb, I cannot marry you.” She watched him bite his lower lip, then stare over her head at some point on the far horizon.

“You’re going to St. Louis to live in your aunt’s world.”

On his lips, the words sounded like a renunciation of all that she held dear. “I must. Please let me explain.”

“What’s there to explain? You have the chance to move in social circles I could never offer you, with opportunities beyond my power to provide. You have been clear with me that such an adventure is what you have always yearned to experience. I suppose I can understand that life on a ranch in the middle of nowhere can hardly compete.”

Lily knotted her fingers in anguish. “It’s not that. Your offer to share your dream, even if it is vastly different from mine, touched my heart. And I know you meant to tell me all about it before Seth arrived, but, Caleb, what if I gave up my dream for yours and ultimately came to resent you? I don’t want a life where I’m constantly second-guessing my decisions.”

“Nor do I. If you cannot give yourself to me unreservedly, as I do to you, then we are doomed.” He kicked the toe of his boot into the dirt. “What kind of man would I be if I stood in the way of your dream?”

“What kind of man will you be, anyway?”

He shook his head, and she couldn’t bear to meet his eyes. “A broken one without you.” A tinge of bitterness crept into his tone. “But again, healing takes time and, somehow, I will heal.”

“It isn’t that I don’t care about you.” Even to her own ears, that sounded weak.

“I suppose there is no need to prolong this conversation. I would prefer we try to end as we began, as friends. Further talk might make that impossible. Please, though, permit me to satisfy myself by asking one more question.”

“Of course.”

Quite unexpectedly, he drew her to him, so close she could feel the heat rising from his body. “We’ve always pledged honesty. Now, Lily, tell me you don’t love me.”

Surely he must hear the crack of her heart and sense the anguish of her soul because, God help her, she could not utter those words.

* * *

Caleb never knew how he held himself together to escort Lily in silence to her home. Foolishly, he had believed that she had come to love him as he loved her. All his pipe dreams of making a home together and fathering her children had gone up in a puff of smoke. He knew he would never be the same, nor would he ever stop loving her. It had been one thing to lose Rebecca to another man, but to be rejected for himself was a hurt beyond describing. Yet, loving Lily, he could hardly stand in the way of her happiness. Reaching her porch, he took a deep breath and forced himself to say, “I shall love you till the day I die. I hope your dreams come true. I wish you only the best.”

“Thank you, Caleb. Your understanding means a great deal.” She laid the flat of her hand against his heart. “Honestly, I cannot say that I don’t love you. I very well may. What I
do
know is that when I commit to a man, it will be unconditionally and forever.”

“I appreciate your honesty.” Before he turned to go, he captured her face between his hands and kissed her with all the regret and love warring within him. “Be happy, Lily.” Then he walked swiftly away before she might hear the unmanly sobs gargling in his throat.

As he strode across the parade ground, a long-forgotten memory came to him. He and his mother in their garden, hunkering beside a bird, struggling to fly. “Oh, poor thing. Look, Caleb. Its wing is broken.”

“Can we fix it? Please, Ma. It can’t fly.”

His mother had studied his crestfallen face and then scooped the tiny creature into her apron. “All right, son, we’ll do our best, but you have to understand one thing.”

Elated that they would try to save the bird, he had scarce heard what she had said next. “We can nurse the bird, but it will never be ours. We will fix the wing so the bird can enjoy what it was born to do. Fly. We cannot keep creatures unless we give them freedom.”

Now her words came back to him like a clarion call, and he understood them as never before. Lily could never be his until she flew away to freedom. All he could do was let her go. And pray.

Chapter Fourteen

F
or Lily in the ensuing days, it was as if she was experiencing everything for the very first time—and the last. Why hadn’t she paid more notice to the sheer gold of the sunflowers as they followed the sun across the sky or to the flutelike trills of the bold meadowlark perched on a nearby post? Never before had Rose’s biscuits and honey tasted so satisfying, nor the chorus of male voices singing camp songs from the barracks sounded so hauntingly melodic. As departure approached, she gathered such memories into her heart. Bittersweet memories.

It pained her to observe Caleb going about his business, never glancing in her direction. However, there was nothing more to be said. She had hurt him, and for that she was regretful. Occasionally she succumbed to second thoughts, but then chastised herself. She had charted her course and was determined to take full advantage of the journey upon which she would soon embark. Another letter had arrived from Aunt Lavinia, enclosing a beautiful invitation to an early fall garden party at the home of a neighbor. The elegant engraving abraded Lily’s finger, a tactile reminder of the wonders awaiting her.

She had been filling her days instructing Fannie concerning hospital procedures. Worried about Papa being shorthanded, she had been relieved when he solicited Fannie as her replacement. Fortunately, Fannie was proving an apt pupil.

The two sat in front of the apothecary’s chest, Lily introducing Fannie to the properties and uses of the medicines stored there—from quinine for malaria to home remedies for coughs and catarrh. “Once you begin administering these, you will have no trouble remembering their uses,” Lily reassured her friend.

Fannie looked up from the notebook in which she was inscribing Lily’s instructions. “I’m excited to have this opportunity. Besides, it will help pass the time.”

“It does do that. Daily fort life can be dull.”

“With the help of this hospital work, I have not yet been bored.”

“Spoken like a true newlywed.”

Fannie turned to Lily, her eyes sparkling. “I pray it may always be so. With my Will, I am confident it will be.”

Lily suppressed the flicker of envy that caused her to look down at the bottle of iodine she held in her hands. “You are truly blessed.”

“Indeed.”

Lily sensed Fannie had been about to speak of Caleb, but had censored herself. She stood to replace the iodine in the cabinet, but that action served for naught because the question tumbled out, anyway. “How is he?”

Fannie did not pretend ignorance. “Caleb goes through the motions of work, Will says, but mainly keeps to himself. I’ve often seen him entering the library in the evening. No doubt you would like me to say he is fine, but that would be an untruth. The man is pining.” Fannie closed her notebook. “Perhaps you would prefer that he pine, since that offers strong proof of his affection for you.”

“I need no proof of that,” Lily whispered. “I know I am walking away from a wonderful man.”

“It is not for me to judge. You are my friend, and I trust you to know what is best for yourself.”

“Can one every really know that?”

“I know. Will is best for me.” Lily saw the concern for her that Fannie could not conceal. “One day, you, too, will know beyond any doubt what makes you happy.” She snapped the notebook open. “Now then, tell me about belladonna.”

For the next hour, they applied themselves to the lesson. When they finished, Lily patted her friend on the shoulder. “Good work. I feel so much better about leaving Father.”

“You worry about him.”

“I can’t help it. Ever since my brother and then Mama died, he has aged rapidly. I think he’s tired.”

“And grieving.”

“That, too. Leaving him and Rose for so long will be hard.”

“Try not to fret. I will write frequently, keeping you posted on things, including your father’s well-being.”

“Thank you, Fannie. I am blessed to have such a friend as you.”

Fannie leaned over and hugged her. “Let us vow always to be close.”

“I am counting on that,” Lily said, suddenly envisioning the miles and miles she would soon put between herself and everyone she loved. She would need all the courage she could muster.

* * *

With only two weeks left of his army service, Caleb found himself slowly transitioning out of involvement in strategic planning. At loose ends, he often found refuge in the library, but not even
Moby Dick
with its vivid descriptions of whaling could capture his attention. More often than not, he simply sat in a chair holding his open book, wishing for the hours and days to pass until he would no longer be tortured by proximity to Lily. Yet, paradoxically, the thought of being separated from her was devastating.

Just before taps one evening, the library door opened, and he was surprised to see Ezra Kellogg. “I thought I’d find you here,” the older man said.

Caleb remembered his last conversation with Ezra. How different he had felt on that occasion when he’d been given permission to court Lily. Now he couldn’t imagine what they could possibly have to discuss. “I enjoy the quiet.” Caleb pointed to a chair. “Please. Sit.”

Ezra had the grace not to mince words. “I am sorry that Lily’s decision has probably disappointed you.”

“Thank you.” Caleb didn’t trust himself to say anything further.

“You must be wondering why I’ve sought you out.”

Caleb shrugged.

The surgeon leaned forward in his chair, pinning Caleb with his piercing blue eyes. “I have a favor to ask, one that I have no expectation you will want to fulfill. Yet please hear me out.”

Caleb sat back and folded his hands. “I’m listening.”

“If I had any other recourse, I would not presume upon your good will. From young Creekmore, am I correct in understanding that your brother has asked you to go to St. Louis on ranch business?”

Caleb had an uneasy suspicion where this conversation was headed. “Yes.”

“Difficult as it might be, I am asking you to consider accompanying Lily on her trip there.”

Caleb felt blood suffusing his cheeks. He wanted to slam his fist on a table or stalk out of the room. How dare the man suggest such a thing!

Ezra held up his hand. “Before you say anything, just listen.”

Caleb waited. He figured silence was his most gentlemanly response.

“Lily has never traveled by herself. You and I both know the possible perils for a single woman in a stagecoach or on a riverboat. I am concerned for her safety. She is headstrong enough to think she can handle the exigencies of such a journey.”

Caleb closed his eyes against images of foul-mouthed frontiersmen and coarse, beefy sailors—all of whom would salivate over a beautiful young woman.

“I have no one else to ask. Lily is precious to me, and I’d like to believe to you, as well. There is no denying the awkwardness and, dare I say, the pain of such an arrangement.” The man took off his glasses and swiped at his eyes. “It is difficult enough to let her do this thing without also wondering each hour if she is safe.”

Caleb gritted his teeth. He couldn’t imagine a worse torture than spending days on end with a woman he loved who could not return that sentiment.

“If you care about her, as I know you do, surely you see the wisdom of traveling together.”

“I’m not sure I can make such arrangements at this late date.” The minute the words came out of his mouth, Caleb knew he’d capitulated.

“I have telegraphed the steamboat line to secure your passage. Your river voyage will be at my expense, sir.” He paused. “As for the stagecoach, perhaps the ranch can cover that cost. If you agree to help Lily, you might have to spend a few extra days here after you muster out.”

“When is she leaving?”

“August 20.” Caleb half listened as Ezra outlined the plans in more specific detail. Every fiber of his being cried, “No!” Why was he even contemplating such a masochistic endeavor?

Lily. The love of his life. That was why. “Against my better judgment but out of concern for your daughter, I will accompany her to the wharf in St. Louis.”

Ezra slumped in relief. “I, sir, will be forever in your debt.”

* * *

The morning before she was scheduled to leave, Lily sewed the final button on the jacket of her new traveling costume—a serviceable blue, matching her bonnet. Her trunk was packed, despite the fact Aunt Lavinia would probably cringe at her unfashionable wardrobe, and she had made a list of the items she would carry in her reticule. Snipping the final thread, she sat back, running her hands over the bodice of the jacket. How many days would she alternate between this and her only other travel ensemble? Now that her departure was imminent, she was filled with a cascade of emotions—excitement, anxiety, nostalgia, homesickness—and a number of questions. How difficult would it prove to be on her own? To leave her beloved father and sister? To say goodbye to her mother’s grave site? She swallowed threatening tears. To travel for three or more weeks with Caleb?

She stood, shook out the jacket and moved to the ironing board. The iron heating on the stove hissed when she tested it. Spreading the jacket on the board and bending to the task, she remonstrated with herself. She had formulated her dream, and with Aunt Lavinia’s help, she was on the verge of realizing it. Now was not the time for faintheartedness. Upset as she had been when her father gave her the news that Caleb would travel with her, she acknowledged grudgingly that his presence would help secure her safety until she reached St. Louis. However, it would not ensure a relaxed trip.

The day passed in a whirl of last-minute details. The Hurlburts were entertaining the family for her final dinner at Fort Larned. Before dressing for that occasion, she made a final visit to the cemetery. The setting sun cast burnished rays of light upon the grave, and the familiar cooing of doves produced a plaintive requiem. Lily stood, rapt, staring at the chiseled name on the stone.
Mathilda.
In a moment of clarity, she realized that no matter how far from this place life took her, her mother’s influence would accompany her. She placed a hand on top of the grave marker. “Mama, Papa told me all you ever wanted for me was to be happy. I intend to do that by taking full advantage of new opportunities. Thank you for your love and example.” Then, oddly, she found herself smiling, as if her mother had touched her in blessing.

The dinner party was a time of forced gaiety, involving the major and his wife, Fannie and Will, Ezra and Rose...and Caleb. As a result of the cavorting butterflies in her stomach, Lily picked at her food, knowing full well she would think of this sumptuous spread many times as she sampled the fare at stagecoach way stations. Adding to her nervousness were the veiled looks passing between Effie, Fannie and Rose and then redirected to her, as if she were a patient who required observation for an undetermined illness. No clairvoyant, she nevertheless knew exactly what they were thinking. How could she launch into this adventure and turn down a man as fine as Caleb? She had ultimately given up trying to explain. She was moving on to the “beat of a different drum,” as Mr. Thoreau had put it.

Before the party broke up, Effie pulled Lily aside and wrapped her in a motherly hug. “We will miss you more than you know,” she whispered. Then she pulled away, held Lily by the shoulders and added, “Whenever you find a man suitable as a husband, remember the importance of honesty.”

Lily nodded. “No secrets, right?”

“Open communication. Trust.”

Lily embraced the older woman again. “Thank you. I shall miss your counsel.”

“And I, your sunny, generous nature.”

Later, snuggled under the light sheet next to Rose, Lily realized she would probably never again share a bed with her sister. Starting the very next night, she would find herself alone for the first time in her life. Her new reality came crashing down and she moaned softly.

“Lily?” Rose turned to face her. “You can’t sleep, either?”

“No. So many thoughts are running through my mind.”

“I can’t believe the time is finally here.”

“Nor can I. Before, such a trip was a fantasy.”

“Papa and I will miss you so.”

“And I you.” Even on the eve of her trip, Lily found it difficult to imagine a life without her family.

“I’ve cried all the tears I have within me, but I want you to know that Papa and I will be fine. We will be praying for the fulfillment of your dreams.”

“When we meet again, Rose, I shall have so much to tell you.”

“I will count the days.” Rose laced her hand through Lily’s. “I love you, sister.”

“I love you, too.” Somehow in the silence, Lily managed to calm her racing heart and fall into a peaceful slumber, her fingers still entwined in Rose’s.

* * *

Caleb had been part of too many leave-takings to watch Lily bid farewell to her family. Instead, he busied himself loading their trunks on the stagecoach. Insofar as possible, he planned to keep his distance from her, staying just close enough to protect her from unwelcome attentions. Surveying the fellow passengers, he saw only one other woman, a toothless crone headed for Council Grove, and four men, from their Western dress, obviously veterans of the trail. He would need to keep his eye on them, particularly the one ogling the assembled women, spitting tobacco indiscriminately and turning the air blue with oaths.

The driver bawled out the order to leave. Lily threw herself into her father’s arms, her “Oh, Papa!” moistening every onlooker’s eyes, including, to his chagrin, his own. With the halfhearted effort of a jaunty salute, he hauled himself onto the top of the coach. If he could maintain this seat for the trip to Independence, he could avoid all but the most cursory conversation with Lily. The passengers began taking their seats, but Lily lingered until she was the last one to climb into the coach. Then, with the crack of the driver’s whip, the vehicle lumbered onto the trail, jostling passengers and careening from side to side as the horses picked up speed.

From his perch, Caleb watched the buildings of Fort Larned grow indistinct until the only landmark remaining was the towering flagpole with the colors flying in the stiff breeze. Unexpectedly he felt a lump rising in his throat with the reality that the painful first chapter of his adult life had closed. Too much conflict, too much blood, too much guilt. He had hoped to end his career with the promise of a new life with Lily. Now, somehow, he faced that next chapter even more alone than he had been when he had marched to war with his comrades from Jefferson City. He pulled the brim of his hat lower over his face, resigned to the long, challenging trip.