Law and Disorder (13 page)

My guess is that there has been concern as to the influence which TheBoss may have been having on my training and development. They would be right to be worried.

Thursday 15 February 2007

Day 96 (week 20): Greed is good

SlipperySlope was in chambers to see TheBoss today and since he arrived early ended up spending about twenty minutes sitting in our room having coffee with me.

‘What do you think of the Inns of Court?’ he asked, making small talk. Then, before I got time to answer, he continued with, ‘It’s all a distraction, BabyB. The law’s not about ivory towers or wigs and gowns. It’s about one thing and that’s costs. Not justice. Not rights. Not defending the innocent or prosecuting the guilty. It’s cold, hard, stinking cash. Your time, literally, is money. You sign away your life, but for a price of which even Faust himself would be proud.’

‘Oh.’ I think I probably looked a little shocked at his outburst.

‘Don’t get taken in, BabyBarista. Get involved, make hay and you’ll be all right. But you know what the biggest risk is for lawyers?’

‘What?’

‘Believing their own lies. You see, they live in the land of make-believe. They tell other people’s lies and the very best of them even do it with the utmost sincerity. Deadly in court, but it’ll send you mad if you’re not careful.’

I think my mouth had probably fallen open at his outburst, but he hadn’t finished.

‘It’s a fragile beast, that little neural network sitting on your shoulders, BabyBarista. So play the game. Play it hard. But never forget that it’s just that and nothing more.’

Oh.

Friday 16 February 2007

Day 97 (week 20): SnakeEyes

Went off to court with TheBusker again today. With him, it’s not always what he says but more the tone and sincerity with which it is said. The judge seemed in a particularly bad mood and appeared to have started off set against him. TheBusker’s response? To smile at the judge and gently lift his spirits. It was almost as though he put on his snake eyes and somehow hypnotised the judge into looking favourably on his case. He started off talking about the weather and his journey to court and then went on to a bit of gossip from another court. Then he progressed to talking about his own client and a couple of quirks in his personality which had nothing to do with the case whatsoever. Eventually, he came round to mentioning the claim, but almost as an aside. His opponent just sat there getting more and more hot under the collar, as there was absolutely nothing he could do but watch TheBusker stroll slowly over the winning line. I mentioned this afterwards and he commented, ‘It’s not about the law, BabyB, and it’s often not even about the facts. Most of the time it boils down to one question: does the judge like your client or not? Is he for him or agin?’

I wouldn’t want to be against TheBusker.

Monday 19 February 2007

Day 98 (week 21): Cheaper to kill

Today we had a conference with the solicitor in a fatal accident case. Tragic accident at work when a builder was killed by machinery falling on top of him. TheBoss was representing the employer’s insurers and commented pretty early on that the case was ‘. . . a lot cheaper by virtue of his having died. Could have been worth millions in loss of earnings if he’d lived.’ As it is, the deceased was separated from his wife and had no kids and the claim is therefore worth hardly anything at all.Very strange law that makes it cheaper to kill than to maim.

In the meantime, BusyBody has gone from desolate moping to utterly hyper with no transition period in between. For her, it’s all in the hair and it’s definitely curlier when she’s at her most interfering. At the moment she’s a caricature even of her old self and the curls have taken on Medusa-like proportions. She’s become an uber-BusyBody whose words are spewing out faster than ever. Mysteriously, her quite posh middle-England accent is occasionally dropping the odd vowel in favour of a south London drawl. I’ve also heard of sightings of her working in chambers as early as 6 a.m. and as late as midnight. All very strange. I have to admit to feeling some responsibility. Yet whenever I’ve asked how she is, all I’ve got back is a staccato ‘All fine. Good. Excellent. Anyway. Very busy. Very. Lots of papers. Must get through them. Lots. Anyway. Thank you. Yes. All OK. Anyway. So. How are you?’

Wednesday 21 February 2007

Day 100 (week 21): BattleAxe

‘What were you up to last night, BabyB?’ It was Claire at lunch.

‘Celebrating another settlement for TheBoss. He’s cashing in as many cases as possible at the moment in case he gets struck off.’

‘Hmm. Lucky you.’

‘Well it wasn’t so bad last night as I finally got to meet the mistress.’

‘He’s getting more reckless by the day.’

‘Quite.’

‘So what was she like?’

‘Not at all what I expected. After everything I’ve heard about his high-maintenance wife, I thought she might be some meek, pouting solicitor pandering to his insecurities.’

‘And was she?’

‘Quite the opposite. Formidable would probably be the best word, and sturdy.’

‘Doesn’t sound like the type to be impressed by a Ferrari.’

‘Exactly.’

‘Why on earth does he even get the time of day from her? He’s a walking disaster area,’ said Claire.

‘But the most interesting thing was that when she opened her mouth and the clipped vowels and overbearing opinions rolled forth, I suddenly realised that she was just an older version of BusyBody.’

Thursday 22 February 2007

Day 101 (week 21): TidySum

‘Hey, BabyB, do you fancy earning a bit of extra money on the side devilling?’ it was Worrier.

‘Er, satanic cults? Not really my bag, Worrier.’ I mean, I know she’s been having a hard time, but really.

‘Don’t be silly. It’s a Bar tradition. It involves working for other barristers.’

‘But I thought we weren’t allowed to be employed by other barristers.’

‘True. But this is the loophole. Seems to slip by under the radar as “research”.’

‘Oh.’

Worrier went on to explain that there’s a barrister who I’ll call TidySum who’s taken this to a new level with thirty little devils around the Bar all being paid a third of what he bills out. Out of curiosity I went along to his chambers in Gray’s Inn which has the nickname ‘Hell’s Kitchen’ for obvious reasons. The queue of pupils outside his room looked like that for a school tuck shop. I left with an advice to do by tomorrow which will apparently earn me £50, which will certainly come in handy.

As for BusyBody, I walked in on her today as she was lying on the ground with her noticeably thick ankles held aloft. I wondered whether she’d fallen over and simply couldn’t right herself, though I thought it better not to ask.

‘Hello, BabyB,’ she said, without moving her legs. ‘I’ve officially given up all hope of getting taken on in chambers and decided instead to achieve inner peace and harmony through yoga . . .’

‘I see.’

‘. . . and bagging a rich barrister to keep me.’

‘Oh. You know TheBoss still holds a flame,’ I lied.

‘He’s a loser. I’m not tagging on to that mess. No. I’ve got my eye on a bigger prize. Much richer and, for what it’s worth, better looking. And with a wife and family at home, he’s not likely to be too demanding on my time.’

I was to get no more details from her today,although OldSmoothie springs to mind as fitting her description.

Friday 23 February 2007

Day 102 (week 21): Scandal

There’s nothing that makes a scandal more juicy than a bit of old-fashioned snobbery, and this had the snobs in a gossip frenzy this morning: BusyBody (allegedly) went home with one of chambers’ clerks last night.

About twenty members of chambers had got together in a wine bar with a few friendly solicitors to launch a book written by a particularly boring member of chambers (and that’s saying something). Not exactly the height of glamour for a so-called book launch, but nevertheless the champagne was flowing. The clerks had all been invited along as has been chambers policy now for the last two years. Before that, only HeadClerk was ever allowed out to social functions and even then only to marketing events. Last night the worries over the mixing of barristers and clerks came to fruition and BusyBody drunkenly stumbled into a taboo. So far, no one quite knows what happened but she and FanciesHimself, one of the junior clerks, were certainly seen canoodling on the street as they waited for a cab.

Poor BusyBody. Her head was bowed low today and she refused to talk to anybody. She’s already ruined any chances of getting taken on and she’s now gone and ruined her chances of bagging that rich barrister, too. Or at least one in these chambers.

Monday 26 February 2007

Day 103 (week 22): Hiring from below stairs

It’s been like an episode of
Upstairs, Downstairs
today as the details of BusyBody’s activities have emerged. It seems that FanciesHimself cracked under cross-examination and believed the assurance of complete confidence given by OldSmoothie. Which was foolish in the extreme. OldSmoothie immediately emailed about ten people in chambers with a word-for-word account of what FanciesHimself had told him. Obviously, this was then forwarded to the rest of chambers and is probably still rattling its way around cyberspace. Suffice it to say that BusyBody fell for FanciesHimself’s not-too­subtle charms and for one beautiful evening they were a couple. As OldSmoothie’s email quoted: ‘You’ll never believe it, OldSmoothie, she went wild. Like a switch had flipped in her head. Telling me she hated pompous barristers and that she just wanted the simple life . . . Then she started bossing me around. One instruction after another. Like an air hostess preparing you for take-off . . .’

Come the next morning, for once in his life, FanciesHimself was on the receiving end of the sort of rejection he was in the habit of inflicting on others. BusyBody apparently made it clear in no uncertain terms why things would be going no further. This has put FanciesHimself into unknown territory and it seems that he’s actually claiming to be quite hurt. According to OldSmoothie, this meant that he had to go on ‘a weekend bender’ just to get his mind straight. Apparently HeadClerk has said that he’s going to pretend it didn’t even happen as to do otherwise would just be too much to contemplate. HeadofChambers is also officially turning a blind eye for similar reasons.

There was a flurry of emails around chambers following OldSmoothie’s revelations. One sums up what many were saying: ‘If you hire from below stairs, you can only expect below-stairs behaviour.’ Reminded me of Alan Clark’s wife, who once said, ‘If you bed people of below-stairs class, they will go to the papers.’ The email was basically a reference to BusyBody’s working-class roots. Whilst a scholarship to a south London day school had led her to cover up her south London drawl, it has noticeably returned in recent weeks as she has become increasingly stressed. Some people had already started mimicking her accent and this has now turned into a full-on game show complete with clerk story to boot. So much for New Labour’s New Britain.

I overheard TopFirst getting stuck in, too, to another member of chambers.

‘You must have heard about BusyBody and FanciesHimself? . . . You haven’t . . . Yes, it was after the party last week. Disastrous for her, really. Still, can’t make a silk purse out of a pig’s ear. Class will always out.’

Ouch. The cruelty not only surprised me but also left me relieved to discover that he has a weakness. Like a shark with the smell of a fellow pupil’s blood in the water, his instincts took over and for the first time he showed a reckless streak.

All I have to do now is to work out how I can ultimately turn this against him.

CHAPTER 6

March: The Bait

Hold out baits to entice the enemy.

Sun Tzu,
The Art of War

Thursday 1 March 2007

Day 106 (week 22): Instincts

Spent some time with TheBoss today. He’s been asked to write a summary of his defence for the Bar Standards Board. Hmm. The question in effect boiled down to, ‘What do you have to say which can possibly mitigate your amending chambers’ records and fraudulently deceiving your solicitors that it was them and not you who had missed the limitation deadline for issuing a case?’ And the answer . . . ‘Not a lot.’ Poor Boss. If he’s found guilty, he’s extremely likely to get suspended for at least a year and maybe even permanently. It depends what he comes up with. My guess is that he’ll plead guilty and go for stress brought on by a wicked wife who had driven him into the arms of one of his instructing solicitors. The pressure was all just too much. Yeah, right. Let’s just hope there isn’t a woman sitting on the tribunal, for his sake. He will also almost certainly get kicked out of chambers. But if he keeps his sentence down, he may walk back into a lesser chambers which is desperate for the rent. He’s also likely to get the work back as solicitors are rarely aware of any barrister’s professional misconduct history. He’s even started to perk up, with the thought that a period of suspension would be a good time to sort out the divorce since any settlement would have to reflect his lack of earning capacity.

Meanwhile, BattleAxe, his sturdy instructing solicitor and mistress, has remained faithful both in her affection and, luckily for TheBoss, in the work that she continues to provide. In fact, such is the disdain of the clerks for TheBoss at the moment that she is almost his only source of work.